


Smoke & Mirrors

by Violet_Janou



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Chicago, College AU, Endgame Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, F/M, Fluff, Football, Football Player Louis, M/M, New York City, Niall Horan & Louis Tomlinson Friendship, Smut, United States, Virgin Louis, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-17
Updated: 2015-09-11
Packaged: 2018-03-23 08:12:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 173,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3761083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violet_Janou/pseuds/Violet_Janou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis believes love was a myth. Seeing it be a lie in his life growing up he brushed it off as stupidity of weakness in a person. He vowed he would never fall in love. </p><p>Harry knew love to be alive and true. It wasn't always pretty and wrapped neatly in a bow. But love was out there for everyone. </p><p>What happens when these two worlds collide?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. autumn [l.t]

**Author's Note:**

> Dear beautiful readers,
> 
> this is my latest creation that happened when I fell down the rabbit hole of Larry Stylinson and I don't want to leave (: I'm currently in the processes of writing this fic. I try and update as regularly as I can but sometimes life happens and then I can't. The chapters bounce back and forth between the POV of Louis and Harry. I will say in the chapter title who it is at the time. 
> 
>  
> 
> **** Fic is currently being Beta'd and I'm re-posting the chapters as they are finished back up ****
> 
>  
> 
> I want to send a massive thank you to my amazing and lovely and completely brilliant Beta iwritestuffsometimes. They have been amazing to work with and once you finish reading _Smoke + Mirrors_ you should check out their work as well! 
> 
> Thank you all and hope that you enjoy 
> 
> XO Violet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I'm rarely bored alone; I am often bored in groups & crowds || Laurie Helgoe_

Nothing says fall like a college campus full of parents, siblings, and even grandparents helping their children move in. It's a rite of passage, that first day you step onto the campus and you are on your own. You can do what you want, clean when you want, even stay up all night doing homework while you sleep the day away. You’re 18 and an adult, ready to take on the world and realize that you have fucked it up more times than you want to mention. You can tell by the faces and the amount of stuff that people bring what year of college they are in.

Freshmen are deers in headlights. They have brought everything they could need and then some. They are filled with excitement as they walk around campus and try and blend in with the older students which just makes them stand out. They are fresh, wide eyes and bushy tailed. They smile and greet you with anticipation that you will respond back. They want to make as many friends as possible, sign up for as many clubs and activities as they can all while still believing they will have enough time to do all the homework that is required of them. They travel in large herds and are easily spooked.

Sophomores come with a weird attitude. They have been through one year and know they can survive another three. They still travel in large packs but they know everyone. Usually you see just the parents with them when they are moving in to help with the futons and refrigerators. They know the campus and can get around fine without looking at a map or asking for directions to buildings. They still pack a lot of shit but they know you can also get clothes sent to you if you need them. They don't attend every social event but are still involved as much as they can be.

Juniors are tricky. Some care and some don't give two fucks. They have reached the age of (legally) drinking in dorms and having flats off campus where their freedom is even greater than it was at college. They come with what they need and have a small pool of friends they have made over the past two years. Most have jobs and the attendance for social events dies down unless it's for a sporting event, or homecoming. They are chummy with professors and have an idea where they want to go in life. They call out the freshmen when they are being annoying wankers and a lot end up living on campus for a semester before going on an internship or studying abroad in Europe.

When you hit your final year of college you are usually in an apartment. You are part of certain activities and that is it. You are known by those in your major and you interact with some who aren't if you're in a class unrelated to your major for credit. When moving in, you come with a suitcase and a few boxes that hold books, an xbox, movies and what you need to live. There is no fluff in the dorm room. You know that once you are done you have to transition to full adulthood and don't want to be bogged down with crap. The seniors walk around not is a blase way but just wanting to get to class and get back to the dorm to study and make it through their final months in school. Usually a parent will help them move in but normally it's mates helping mates if they are living on campus.

I fell into the senior category. I had two suitcase and four boxes that contained my life -my life that had been downsized dramatically over four years. I didn't have the privilege of living off campus due to financial issues, which was fine, I was closer to the footie field when season began in the spring. I was ready to be done with college and hopefully get a job in the States so I could get my green card and not be here on a student visa. Although I was living on campus, I was lucky to get a single room (thanks to my coach for pulling a few strings).

Rowan parked the car with the U-HAUL on the back. Opening the boot, I grabbed my suitcase and footie duffle as she and Niall grabbed a few boxes from the back of the car. I was lucky that Rowan and her best friend Julia had moved into an apartment and had gotten some new furniture as they donated the stuff they used last year in their dorm to me.

I made my way across the car park, my new vans bright and white as I walked over to the table where the RA's for the building sat. Each with a grey shirt on that read COLUMBIA COLLEGE. I adjusted the duffle as I got in line behind a freshman. Every piece of luggage she had was Vera Bradley and she stood next to her mother and father. Keeping any comment I had to myself, I pushed my glasses up the bridge of my nose and walked over to the next open RA.

"Tomlinson, Louis." I told him as he searched for my name. Highlighting it in yellow, he reached down and handed me a key with a notecard that told me what room I was in. I forced a smile and motioned to Rowan and Niall. They followed me as we walked through the doors that were propped open. I was on the second floor so we took the steps. There was a line for the lift and I didn't want to wait.

"So we are getting food for this correct?" Niall asked his accent thick after spending the summer back at home in Ireland. "I mean I love ya Lou but this isn't free labour."

"Pizza and beer." I promised him as I walked past a family who was heading down the stairs to get more things for the room. Walking on the second floor, we weaved in and out of families and students moving in.

It was chaos on the floor and in the hallway. People arranging the furniture, boxes piled all over, and people greeting each other with cheers and hugs.

I counted the room numbers and when I found mine, unlocked the door. Walking in, there was a small common area and then it hit me; I was in a double. _Fuck_. I thought.

"So not a single..." Rowan said, walking over to a desk that was next to the window that faced out into a courtyard. "You going to complain?"

"No." I told her as I looked around. "I want to live in this complex so I will suffer through a roommate."

Rowan laughed. "I'll grab the boxes and you buff boys go get the couch and TV and junk," she said patting my in the shoulder.

I knew her comment was laced with sarcasm as both Niall and I were slenderly built. He was a golfer and me a footie player, we weren't American footballer players by any standards.  
The dorm wasn't bad. The living area was large enough to house two desk. There was a small counter with three shelves over it. There was a sink, and, behind a door were a toilet and a shower. I walked forward into the room where the beds were. As I walked in, there was a bed pressed against the wall with a dresser under it and a bedside table. I turned to my right and claimed the bed that's headboard was under the window. I had my dresser and bedside table as well. I put my suitcase on the bed along with the duffle before heading back out with Niall to get the furniture and fill the dorm up.

We passed Rowan, who made a face at us as she headed back up. Niall and I managed to bring everything in two trips, putting the bookcase on the couch and carrying them up at the same time. We then got the telly and the map I had gotten while at home. When we got back up, Rowan was arranging the furniture and emptying out my kitchen items. Niall hooked up the Xbox and I began to put my clothes away. I had what I needed to last me all three seasons in Chicago. I made my bed and hung up the few things I'd brought from home with me.

Walking out into the living area, Rowan broke down my boxes but left all my desk stuff for me to put away. The telly was hooked up and working and the couch was decorated with pillows (thanks to Rowan) and a blanket (thanks to her again). It was unpacked enough. Leaving the dorm, I was glad to get off campus and be able to breathe without feeling smothered by those still moving in. We headed down the steps and out across the grass to the car park. We had to return the U-HAUL and SUV back at Rowan's parents house and pick up her car so we could get Julia from the airport.

I sat in the back of the car. Niall fiddled with the radio as Rowan talked about her classes and the upcoming year. Yes I was thrilled to be graduating. No I didn't want to end up back in Doncaster once I did. I wasn't sure what I wanted but I knew what I didn't want. As much as I wanted to deny it, I had grown to love the States. Maybe it was people who I found tolerable and understood me that I enjoyed or maybe it was America itself. Either way I didn't want to go back to Doncaster. Not yet.

We dropped off the U-HAUL, exchanged cars and headed back towards the city. Julia had gone home for a weekend before coming back for school. Her parents had moved to Jersey once she started college. She was the youngest and last one to leave the nest and now they were free. My eyes looked out the window at the skyline of the city. There was a grey haze that seemed to cover the top of the buildings. Chicago was an odd place. From a distance as you drove in, it looked almost haunted and fake. As if, when you stretched out your hand and touched it, it would disappear into thin air. But as you grew closer, the city seemed to come alive with the sounds and colors in hues of blues, and greys and blacks.  
"You are quiet." Rowan said looking in the rear view mirror as we waited to turn. We had reached Midway Airport and Julia's flight had landed already. "What is on your mind."

I shrugged. "Nothing really."

"If your roommate sucks you can always sleep on me and Jules’ couch," she offered with a smile. I watched as the light turned green and she pressed down on the gas.

"Thank you," I told her.

I had met Rowan my freshman year. She was on my floor and I had looked lost. She walked right up to me and introduced herself and said that she was from the city and that she and her best friend would always be around if I needed to ask where to go or a place to eat. We ended up being in the same French class and History class. She always seemed like an odd duck. If you saw her walking on the street you would think she hopped in the TARDIS and came from the 60's and 70's. She called herself a 'classy hippie' and dressed in clothes that her mother wore when she was her age. She loved anything vintage and in the summer months she lived in dresses and long skirts. Her hair was long and normally in waves. She loved life and there was something about her that just got me. We ended up being partners for a project and that is when we really got to know each other.

She never tried to flirt with me. She was always a friend and I looked at her like a sister. Julia was the same way. She lived in jeans and t-shirts unless she was at work or giving a speech in class. They were opposites but yet the same person. Their souls were one and I was almost envious of them having that form of relationship with another human.

Niall had shown up a few years ago when he was a freshman and Rowan took him under her wing like she did anyone who seemed lost and needed a rock in their life. He was nice. He was a bit loud but I warmed up to him. He had a good heart and cared about Rowan which eased my mind.

"Out," Rowan told me as we parked and headed out to greet Julia. I didn't understand why I was part of this but I couldn't protest since they helped me move in. We headed into the airport, made our way up the escalators, and just as we hit the second level, we saw Julia walking towards us. She gave Rowan and then Niall a hug and poked me in the arm.

When I narrowed my eyes she just laughed and we made our way back down to the car.

"Lou is getting us dinner." Rowan told Julia who turned back and gave me a smile.

"Oi!" I hissed. "I said you and Niall because you helped me move in. She sat on a plane and probably slept the three hours," I said as Julia gave me a poor excuse of a puppy dog eyes.

"What am I doing?” Julia asked shaking her head at me as I smiled back evil at her. “That won't work on him," she laughed as Rowan opened the boot of her car and Julia tossed in her duffel and rucksack. She was right - but she also knew that I wasn't a dick and would end up buying her pizza and beer.

"Unos or Ginos?"

"Unos," I told her. "I'm paying so I bloody well get to pick," I said from the back of the car.

"Unos it is," she called out as Julia sat forward plugging in her iPod and began to play the role of DJ as she did whenever we were in a car. It was nice to have all four of us back together.

***

Walking across the campus, the sun was going down and there was a lull. The parents had left. The students had met up with their friends and had gone to get food, or check out the campus or were in their dorms watching some movies and getting to know their roommate better. My stomach was full of beer and pizza. I was ready to sit on the couch with a nice cuppa and play some Fifa before crawling into bed and sleeping in past noon tomorrow. I was going to enjoy the weekend of sleep before classes began Monday morning. Digging into my pocket, I tapped my ID on the scanner and the doors unlocked to the building. A few girls giggled as they walked past me and I headed up the steps to the second floor. I wasn't sure if my roommate would even be there. Or if he was going to move in tomorrow or Sunday. Or maybe I wouldn't have a roommate at all and I would be even happier than I felt now.

My feet walked down the hall as I heard a few tellies on behind the closed dorm doors. As I reached mine I could hear the faint sounds of music. I guess my roommate had come in today. Sticking my key into the lock I pushed the door open and the song 'Robbers' by the 1975 was echoing in the room. As soon as I shut the door I listened as the volume was turned down and out from the bedroom stood a tall thin man.

 _Sophomore_. I told myself looking at him. "Hello."

"Hello," he said. His voice was deeper than I had thought it would be for his slender frame. And he was English. Another surprise. He had dark brown hair that almost touched his shoulders. It was a bit wavy. He had on skinny black trousers with a loose fitting black t-shirt and a pair of black pointy-toed boots. "I'm Harry," he said, extending his hand. Looking at it I looked back up into his green eyes.

"Louis." I told him with a smile as I grabbed the kettle and walked over to the sink and filled it up. Putting it back on, I flipped it on before walking past him to put my shoes away and slip on some track pants and a hoodie.

"Cheers, you are English. Where are you from?" he asked me as he walked into the bedroom and went back to hanging up his shirts in the closet.

"Doncaster," I told him, slipping my jeans off and slipping on my black track pants. I knew I should ask where he was from. I could hear Rowan's voice in my head nagging me to be sociable. But the part of my brain that didn't care usually seemed to overtake the part of me that was curious and I would just toss his comment off and go and play Fifa.

"Yourself?" I asked slipping my Doncaster Rovers hoodie over my head and taking my beanie off. I ran my hands through the mess of my hair before grabbing socks from the dresser.

"Redditch, Worcestershire." He told me as I watched him hang up a shirt that had flamingo's on them. "Footie player?"

"Ta." I said nodding my head and heading into the living area. I didn't want to make small talk but part of me didn't want to stop. "Yourself?"

Harry laughed as he ran his hands through his hair. "I was rubbish at that and rugby when I was a boy. I stuck to less deadly activities. My body isn't built for sports." I looked at him over my shoulder and he was right. He had to be close to 6 foot and was thin as a fucking string bean.

He was new. I had never seen him before and I knew all the English, Scottish and Irish transplants to Chicago. We were a small group and always were around if we needed a proper breakfast, watch a footie match or have a nice cuppa. Grabbing a mug, I dropped a tea bag in it and realized I didn't get any groceries.

"Piss it," I hissed. Guess I would be having black tea tonight. As the kettle whistled, I poured the water into my cup and set the kettle back down. "Want a cuppa? I don't have milk or sugar."

Harry hesitated but smiled. He had dimples on his face making his face contorta and look like that of a child not a 19 year old University student . Nodding, I grabbed another mug dropped a tea bag in and poured the water in it. Handing him the mug, I finally sat my ass on the couch and turned on the telly and XBOX. He turned his music back up a bit as I zoned out. I needed to detox from the day but I kept being distracted as Harry would hum to the song. Or when he would walk in and out. He wasn't making any sound but he was still distracting.

"You know the telly and couch are communal. You can use them so don't be shy and if you need tea and use the kettle you can."

"Cheers." Harry told me. "Sorry I took up most of the closet space."

"I have a handful of things that are nice enough to be hung." I joked with him as I paused the game and turned to watch as he set up his toiletries in the shower. As he walked out I turned around and unpaused my game. It was several moments before Harry interrupted me again.

"Can I hang a few things on the wall..." he asked me.

I nodded a bit confused why he was asking me but didn't fuss.

"I might get a chair tomorrow. So we can have somewhere else to sit... and a coffee table."

I turned and raised a brow.

"My mum gave me some money for furniture." He explained to me with a smile. Other furniture would be nice, as would a coffee table. I kept on playing Fifa as Harry sat on the other end of the couch and pulled out a leather journal. Out of the corner of my eyes I watched as he doodled and wrote in it.

My eyes took snapshots of all the tattoos on his arms, putting them away in my memory. He was different. I wasn't sure what it was but he sat there in the silence not bothering me, sipping at his tea as I played. I didn't feel uncomfortable with him there. His presence was a calming one. There was no fuss and no awkward conversations that he was forcing me to have with him to get to know him. He even got up and made me a new cuppa when the one I was drinking grew cold.

As the night went on, I finished my tea, washing out my mug and setting it on a mat to dry. I brushed my teeth and climbed into my bed. I plugged in my mobile and replied to a few texts from my footie mates before turning my mobile over and turning off the lamp at my bedside table. Harry still had his on as I faced the wall, just listening to him change.

Listening as he brushed his teeth. The water was on longer than normal, so I knew he was washing out my mug. Maybe he was even washing his face. I laid still as I listened to him send a few texts. I listened to the bed move a bit as he got in. The sheets rustled, and soon the room was pitch black. The light from the moon crept in through the closed blinds in the bedroom. I could see his phone screen light up and he would unlock it and text back. The room would be black and then several moments later there would be another light.

"Sorry," I heard him whisper in the dark. "My sister."

"Ta," I said. I wasn't sure how to respond. I was the same way with my sisters so I couldn't fault him. Rolling over so my back was against the wall, I looked at the light from the moon that was on the tile floor. It was a slender shadow but I watched it until my eyes felt heavy. As much as I had looked forward to the days of being in a single room, I didn't think Harry would be that rubbish of a roommate.


	2. friends [l.t]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You get to define the terms of your life || Cheryl Strayed_

Mondays are always rubbish. I don't care how happy of a person you are, deep down inside everyone has a hate for Monday's. It's so far from Friday. All the shit you pushed off on the weekend is now staring at you and you know you either don't do it or never sleep until it gets done. It's the day you remember something important and you rush to get it done. It never has any good telly on and you feel miserable from being hungover or tired. Hell even both. But Monday's are worse when it's the first day of classes. 

You know in your soul that you still have to make it through Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and if your classes are rubbish you have an even longer week ahead of you. Thankfully my classes were just for credit and I was taking all 100 level - and training for footie season. Yes I had a lot of reading for I promised to take a history class with Rowan on the 1960's. But that class was fun. She knew the professor and we sat in the back and she would make feminist comments and ruffle the feathers of the first years.  
My classes started at 10 and then ended around 4. I had been talking with my coach about my room. He had been upset and told me that he would talk and see why they didn't listen to him but I told him not to worry. Harry was fine. 

Most of the weekend he kept to himself and that journal. He spend a lot of time on the phone with his sister and mum back at home and he was a bit nervous Sunday night as I watched him pack and repack his rucksack for his days ahead of him. He never asked questions to fill the silence. He never expected me to talk and ask him how his day was and I didn't expect him to ask me. He had gotten a chair and a coffee table and proper tea cups for the tea. 

As I walked across campus a few American Football players were playing frisbee. They made some comments and a few girls giggled as they walked past. I would get some tea in my body, figure out what homework I actually had to get done and then get some dinner. Niall asked me to get some food with him when Rowan had a class till 10. She was taking a gender studies class and Julia has her job getting off around 10 as well. So he suggested a guys night. 

We had so easily sunk back into the routines we had while in Uni. Balancing school, work, friends and making sure we didn't have to suffer every meal with the food they served on campus. We passed each other between classes and smiled, yelled a few choice words and would laugh. 

"Tommo!" I heard someone yell. Turning around and behind my glasses I saw Stan running towards me. His bookbag bounce has he took me hand and we gave each other a 'bro hug' as he called them. "I heard you have a roommate. That sucks man." 

I shrugged as we walked towards my dorm. 

"Well hey this weekend I'm having some soccer boys over and some ladies get a bit baked." He told me raising his brown. I smiled at him. Stan was always interesting to me. He had this need to be liked and to show off his masculinity when it was so forced. He was the 'bad boy' and he was a revolving door for females on the campus. "You will show up... come on we need a good Brit there to make things posh." 

He was an idiot. 

"I will have to see." I told him. I knew I would think of a way to get out of the party. Even if it meant Rowan having to lie for me. I was mates with the boys on the field and when Coach had us do team outings. Other than that I didn't want to be with them. Didn't want to have the connotation I was like them to the entire school. That I was a jackass to women and used my looks and status as an athlete to get away with everything and anything I could. 

"Great! I'm going to get some food. Coming?" He asked. 

I shook my head. "Plans." 

"With Rowan? Dude when are you going to just get in that." 

"She is a friend. I will see you around Stan." I told him fighting off the urge to punch him in the nose. I pulled my key from my pocket. I grabbed the door before it shut as some students left the building. Jogging up the steps I wanted to fall onto my bed and not deal with life. Whenever I had to interact with Stan it drained me more than normal people did. Maybe it was his idiotic comments of the fact I couldn't stand the sod. Unlocking the door I walked in and Harry was on the couch. The telly on and his journal in his hands. He looked up at me. Holding my hand up to let him know he could stay there watching the telly and doing whatever it was he was doing. I set my rucksack on the ground and fell face forward onto my bed. 

Toeing off my shoes I pushed them off my bed and I heard them land on the floor. Giving a moan for the hatred of Monday I rolled my tired body over onto my back and thanked the college gods I didn't have classes Tuesday and Thursday. I listened as the telly played- my stomach growled and I knew I needed something to eat. Grimacing I pushed myself up off my bed and dragged my feet to the common area. 

"Rowan watches those movies." I said as my eyes caught the telly screen. "That's ummm the sun cowboy one." 

Harry turned around with a puzzled look on his face. " _Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Yes_." 

"I was close enough." I sasses putting the kettle on and finding the tim tam I got. 

I heard Harry laugh and watched his head shake as the bun moved with him. "No you weren't." 

"Did you eat?" 

"Kinda."

"Eat." I told him walking over to my desk to grab my laptop. "I got sick when I first came to school here because I was nervous and didn't eat. That sucked more than being nervous." I explained to him as he looked up from his notebook. "But don't listen. It's whatever." 

"I'll have some biscuits and tea." 

"Actual food." I reminded him grabbing the tea cups and making a cuppa for him. As the kettle whistles I watched the tea bag turn the water a dark rich blackish brown color. I added the milk and one sugar he liked and set it by his feet on the coffee table. Harry smiled and I just nodded my head at him. I took my tea and went to the bedroom. I had a few chapters to read for this history class and then to get food. My mind was fuzzy. The entire day I sat in my classes but there was this voice - no that was the wrong word. This trigger where I would be fine and then all of a sudden I would be wondering if Harry was getting around campus all right. If he managed to make some friends and now if he was bloody eating. Climbing up onto my bed I set my tea cup on the windowsill and pulled the book out of my rucksack. 

I didn't know why I cared so much about Harry. I shouldn't. He was just another human and they all leave you and move onto other humans who can reciprocate the emotions of love and joy and empathy. All he gets from me is the occasional cup of tea and short one word comments about my day. 

_Focus Tomlinson_. I told myself as I opened up the book about the civil right movement. My ears listened to Harry on the other side of wall. His mobile went off and I knew that he was talking to his mum for he either muted the telly or paused the film. The words were muffled, shaking my head I ran my hands through my hair and looked down at the words printed on the page. 

"Fuck it." I thought closing the book and setting it next to my tea. Jumping down off my bed I shrugged off my hoodie and grabbed a black t-shirt to wear. I had no idea what was going on with my head but it needed to stop. There was no way I was going to fuck up my final year. I had a lot riding on footie, my grades and trying to find a bloody job. "Now you will talk yourself into a panic. Just calm down." I whispered to myself as I kicked my trained under my bed and began to look for my vans. 

"They are under your desk." A voice said. Looking up Harry had walked into the bedroom and grabbed a hoodie. Saying nothing I headed out into the common room and just like he had said they were in a pile under my desk. Harry was clean. 

He put his clothes away, washed his dishes right away, hell he even hovered. Getting down on my knees I grabbed my shoes and quickly slid them onto my feet. I passed Harry as he came back out and took his spot back on the couch and unpaused the film. I grabbed my billfold and mobile before sliding my jean jacket on and making sure I had my key. I debated in saying goodbye to Harry. But I just left the dorm. What are you doing Harry. Stop letting him get under your skin and care about him. 

***

I set the bag of food in the coffee table as Harry looked up at me. He hadn't moved since I left two hours ago. "It's called food. Eat it." I ordered walking over to my desk and setting my billfold, key and mobile down on my desk before shrugging off my jacket and tossing it on top of everything. 

I watched as Harry looked in the bag and pulled out the chips and burger. "It's called Portillos and it's heaven to all who eat it. I didn't know what you wanted so I asked Niall and he said that or a beef." 

Harry smiled as he pulled out a beef sandwich. "So you got both?" 

I shrugged.

"Thank you." Harry said as he popped a chip into his mouth. "Why do you care. I mean you seem the type who would just brush off my not eating and just carry on with your life as you do most days." Harry said opening up the container that held the burger and took a bite. "Not that I mind. It just seems out of character for you." 

"Rowan." 

Harry just looked at me. 

"She is the voice of human and social interaction in my life. I guess she did the same thing for me and I figured I should do it for you" I told him sitting down in the chair as my eyes looked at the Telly and he had moved onto the film _The Imitation Game_. 

"So to keep good karma." 

"I guess." I told him noncilantle. "And I wanted to." 

I saw Harry's lips curve into a smile as he took a few more bites of his burger. Unpausing the film I sat there with him and watched it in silence. Harry are finishing all his food that I had brought him. I was glad that he had eaten finally after three days of filing his stomach with tea only. I had seen this movie before since Rowan was a massive Cumberbitch or part of the Cumbercollective. She used words I knew were made up and I just stored them so if they came up in conversation I would understand the context. 

I watched Harry's face as he watched the film. He would lose himself as he watched it. His eyes seemed to move back and forth and try to collect all the date and sort it in his mind for later use. My concentration was broken as there was a knock on the dorm door. Getting up I was puzzled who it could be and my insides grew tense thinking it might be Stan.  
As I opened the door Rowan stood there with a smile on her face and sleep in her eyes. "Can I get a cup of tea to go?" She asked walking in. It always was odd when I saw her hair pulled back but today she sported a bun in the top of her head with her skinny jeans, brain straps sandals and a tank top with a kimono on. 

"Come on in. Is Niall walking you home?" 

Rowan furrowed her brow at me. "He is working the desk today at his dorm. I'll be fine I'll catch the bus and head back. Jules is waiting up for me." She said setting her bag down. "Hello Louis's roommate I'm Rowan." She said walking over to Harry. 

He stood up and shook her head. I watched her face light up as she looked at me. "Name?" 

"Harry." 

"And he is English. Look the rooming gods knew that they were going." She laughed as I put the kettle on. "Oh fantastic film." 

"It is. Although Benedict is very much like Sherlock he plays the role with such respect and care that I'm a bit sad he lost for best actor." Harry told her as Rowan took a seat next to him in the couch. "But Eddie was brilliant as Hawking and it's hard not to give the award to a man who -" 

"Became him. I know! He was like Colin Firth when he played King George VI." Rowan said in her element talking films. "But what is so brilliant about Benedict is that he does such diverse films that it's hard to pinpoint him for one type of role." 

"Agreed and with the new Marvel film... He is even expanding his acting credits further." Harry explained seeming excited to talk film with her.

Rowan turned around and looked at me her blue eyes shining at me. "Why have you been hiding this man!?" She laughed as I handed her the cuppa and Harry his. She arched her brow at me and I just grimaced and took a seat in the chair. "Afraid I'll leave you and just hang out with Harry?" 

"No." 

Rowan laughed. "Confident are we?" 

"You would miss my cynical way of looking at life. Plus you would be screwed for your final film project." I pointed out to her as she mocked me and turned back to Harry. 

"If he is a jackass just hit him." 

Harry looked confused. 

"And if Rowan annoys you just ignore her on campus." I bit back as she turned around and stuck up her middle finger at me. "Classy." 

She smiled at me and finished off her tea. Her and Harry talked a bit more before she knew that she needed to head back to her flat before she missed the last bus. She said goodbye to Harry as I grabbed not belongings and slipped my coat back on. "Lou." 

"I'm walking you home so deal." I said to her. "Be back." I said to Harry as we left the dorm. I didn't say anything about him, I knew Rowan was bursting with questions and wanted to just pick my mind but she also kept them to herself. 

"You brought him food." 

"What?" 

"Niall told me. It was nice of you." She said leaving it at that. I could be nice. I wasn't this cold hearted robot of a man who had no feeling and no compassion. I had a heart. I just kept it well protected from the day to day stupidity of the world. "It's nice." She said as we walked outside towards the bus stop to take her to her flat. 

"What?" 

"You. Being nice." 

"We still on this?" I asked shoving my hands into my jacket and searched for my cigarettes I kept in there. Pulling out the lighter I stuck the smoke in my mouth and lit the end. I had been good all day but the cool fall night called for me to endure in a bad habit that wasn't the best for my footie career. 

"Yes," she laughed at me. "Would you consider him a friend?" She asked as we walked to her flat. Rowan hated when I smoked but she stopped that battle with me and settled with the 'will yourself just don't kill me to'. 

I shrugged. 

I felt her eyes roll and her groan at my actions was loud. "I don't know. He is.... Nice." I told her as I looked down at my feet. He was nice. He had a nice smile and could make a good cuppa. He kept to himself but when I spoke he didn't shy away. 

"Nice is good." She told me linking her arm with me. "Don't push him away like you do most. He seems good for you." 

Maybe he was. 

When we got to her flat she kissed me on my forehead and thanked me as I turned around and walked back home. It was nice to live in a yuppie neighborhood and have ones college campus there. Most brownstones had gates blocking them off to people. The streets were well lit and as I walked I imagined the kinds of people lived in those and if they were happy. If the husbands and wives loved each other. If the children went to school and came home happy to see their parents and if they sat down and had dinner every night together. If the little girls did ballet and the boys would take piano. If the house wasn't a war zone where you had to brace yourself whenever your father arrive home. If you didn't have to hide at a friends when he went on a drinking bender. 

I wondered what a happy house looked like. 

Reaching the dorm I dropped my smoke on the pavement and put it out with the heel of my shoe. I made my way inside and headed back to my 'home.' Harry was in the shower. I noticed that he has washed the mugs and cleaned out the kettle. I was going to sleep my day away tomorrow. 

Toeing off my shoes I dropped my jacket on the ground and slipped off my jeans and pulled on my track pants and t-shirt. I washed my face and brushed my tether before climbing into my bed. My body was worn out but my brain wouldn't stop thinking. 

"Rowan is nice." Harry said as he crawled into his bed. 

"Yeah. I was just kidding about ignoring her. She means well." 

"I wouldn't ignored her." He assured me. "Or take her away." 

I scoffed. "We are adults and she was just being sarcastic. She has four older brothers. She had to survive some how." 

Harry laughed. "Thanks again for the food." 

"Just eat. I won't be bringing you meals everyday." I told him as the room was soon black. "But if you need someone to eat with I can always go to the cafeteria with you." 

There was a silence before I heard Harry speak. "Thanks Louis."


	3. surprise [h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _If it's both terrifying and amazing then you should definitely pursue it || Erada_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank the amazing **GaaneGinger** for helping me with all the French translations since _google translate_ was a complete fail

The alarm went off on my phone and I wanted it to be a joke. My body was drained from just one day and my brain couldn't handle another day of classes. Turning off the alarm before I woke Louis up I rolled over onto my back and pushed the hair out of my face.

 _One class Harry. You have one class and then you can come and hide back in your dorm. Or maybe you can ask Louis to have lunch with you. He said that he would. Maybe he meant it and didn't just say it because he felt bad for you. But Louis doesn't feel bad for people. No. He meant it_. I told myself. I was losing it not talking to people. Pushing the duvet off my body I lowered myself off the bed. My feet hit the cold tile on the ground as I found my clean clothes for the day and headed into the bathroom to change.

I was nervous. I always was nervous going to classes. Even back at home I would make myself so sick at times that I would vomit and then convince myself I didn't need to go to class. I wasn't going to do that. I slipped on my black skinny jeans and a loose black button up shirt and my brown boots. I shook my head and wished for the best with my hair. I put my jimjams in the drawer and finished getting ready.

I had one class today.

One class to make it through.

It was my film class that I was actually looking forward to. The professor had put up the syllabus online and the films we were going to watch weren't' the typical ones I would have assumed we would have watched. It was a three hour class but I only had it once a week. So my Thursdays were free as a bird. I wanted to wake Louis up. If he kept sleeping he would sleep his entire day away and then not be able to sleep and be tired for his classes on Wednesday.

But that wasn't my place.

It's not as if we were anything. We were roommates. And roommates let each other sleep.

Grabbing my bag I skipped the tea and headed towards class. I was having an internal battle about asking Louis to get lunch. I didn't even have his mobile number. Maybe I would just go back to the dorm and then ask him. Or maybe I would just Facebook him.... No that was stupid.

"Stop is Harry." I told myself as my shoes moved across the pavement and I had to trek across the entire opposite side of campus where the room was.

Louis puzzled me. I had been trying to figure him out since I moved in. He tried not to care, coming off in this odd standoffish way towards me. But then there was glimpses of this other Louis where he would bring me food or sit down and watch telly with me, although he didn't talk much but he would be there as if that was better than him actually speaking. He let few people into his life and I saw that how he wasn't on the phone much but there was something about Rowan (who I was still trying to figure out if he was dating her or not) he cared about her with a sarcastic rude away. He was an enigma.

A cute enigma at that.

When I got to the building I headed in. My class was up on the third floor. As classes got out I made my way through the sea of college students. Some were with friends and talked with each other about the class they were just leaving bumping into me and not saying anything. Some had their heads glued to the ground as they walked like a bullet to get out of the room. Others lingered in the hall and met up with friends who were in other classes. I just moved with the flow. Pressing up close to the wall as I walked up the stairs. Some students talked about how they were dying for a smoke while others couldn't believe they had a paper due already.

I kept to myself. Not that I didn't want to make friends. I do. I just waited to see who were in my classes. Even then I had a hard time opening my mouth and talking to them. I was out of my element and I needed to wait still I settled in.

Walking into room 38 there were a few other students who looked like film students. They had glasses, they dressed the part with artsy clothes that were second hand. I felt the eyes on me as I walked in. I had to be wise about where I chose to sit. I was just me so wherever I sat there would be other loners sitting by me. Taking a deep breath I slid into the third row two seats in. Nervously I pulled out my notebook for the class and a pen. I needed to look like I had something to do without coming off as an arrogant sod who didn't want to speak to anyone.

It was a hard line at times to walk.

A few more students walked in and greeted the ones that were already in the class. I knew this was going to happen to me. I was new to the entire country so I was I supposed to know anyone. Besides Louis.

"Harold!" I heard a voice as I looked up as Rowan walked into the room. Where she had gotten that name I had no idea but I had a relief come over my body as I saw a familiar face. Getting up she pulled me into a hug. "Before you ask, no I'm not in the class I'm a TA." She explained to me as a few students looked at her shocked that this odd man knew her.

"Brilliant," I told her as she walked to the back of the room and sat her bag down. She was sporting a dress today that was navy blue with dome sleeves that came to her knee. She had on the same sandals as yesterday and her hair was pulled half up.

"I'm so glad that you are in this class now we can talk film jibber jabber around Louis and drive him crazy." she laughed as a few more students walked in. "How were classes yesterday?"

I shrugged.

"God Lou does that same thing." She laughed. "Know if you need anything you can text me." She said reaching over to my notebook and scribbling down her number. "And this is Louis's. He probably didn't give it to you. And he didn't mean it in a rude way.... it probably never phased him to." She explained as I watched the numbers the composed his number. "So what classes are you taking?"

"I have this, an English writing class. A basic History class and French 300." I told her thinking to make sure that those were the correct ones. "And this one."

"That sounds like a good term. I'm a minor in French and so is Louis though he hates that he is. So if you need practice just start talking to us in French. If you ask Louis a questions he can't help but reply in French it's an impulse that he has."

"Noted." I laughed as another student slid into the row I was sitting in. As the professor walked in Rowan told me she would catch up with me after class and headed over to the professor. He was a man in his mid 30's. I thought we would of had an older professor by the choice of films to watch. As long as he was good that was all I cared about. The classroom soon filled up and the clock read 10 and the professor began to talk.

"I am professor Tony Ilahi. I graduated from here two years ago with a film degree and teaching. I went back and got my graduate degree in film history and here I am. This class isn't the one where we watch films that you can watch on AMC. I want to get you thinking. Expand your knowledge and understanding of the moving picture. No answer is wrong. I want you to think outside of the box and not just go with a safe answer or thought. My office hours are on the syllabus I emailed out. I can be reached by email but please allow 12 hours for me to answer some days are more crazy than the next. This term I have the privilege to have a senior film major who is double minoring in french and gender studies as my TA." Tony explained as Rowan stood up in front of the class.

"I'm Rowan and like Professor Ilahi said I'm a film major. I love almost all the films that he is going to show and could talk for hours and hours on them. My focus in film in Cinematography and I love looking at Wes Anderson and Danny Boyle. I also love theater and I could spend hours talking about that. I look forward to helping out in the class and if you guys ever have any questions you can email me or we can always meet up if you need help with a film. Also - plug. I need someone for my final film. But before you volunteer I need someone who believes in love. They think there is love out there for everyone and that the world truly is full of love and you need to explain to me why. Email me if you think you are up for the challenge." Rowan said with a smile as she made a face at me and headed to the back of the class and took a seat in the chair.

Professor Ilahi talked for a bit more as he explained how the class would be structured and what to expect and what not to expect. I was glad there was no group papers buts that we would have to choose a film from the list and watch it and write a paper about it. The topic was up to us but we had to submit a proposal for the paper in a few weeks. Rowan past out the films and we were told to rank the top five films that we wanted and he would go over with Rowan and assign them and send out an email on Thursday.

"All the films can be streamed on Netflix or I will have them up on the class page for you to be able to watch. So no there is no excuse that you didn't watch it or you couldn't find it." He told us. "Now normally we wouldn't get our early but I'm not a heartless bastard so submit me the films and then you can leave."

My eyes looked over the list and I knew that most of these people were going to be picking films that they had heard of. Which is fair in some point but I didn't want that. I wanted to push myself and if I was fucked I would call upon Rowan. I waited as students scribbled down the titles and left. I was torn.

It wasn't until I looked up and realized that I was the only one in the room besides the person who was talking to the professor. I finished with my list and handed it to Rowan as I walked back to my desk and collected my things up.

"Lunch?" Rowan asked me as she grabbed her bag and walked to the door with me. "Chrissy will be there for a while and Tony told me to head to lunch since I'm the one who gets to choose fate!" She laughed holding up the envelope. "He will approve no doubt but still. It's nice to have some power of the young lives."

"Never step in the way of some weird science experiment you would turn into a villain for sure." I told her as we took the lift down. "The class should be interesting."

"Yeah. Some of the students think this is an easy get credit class which it is if you like films." She explained to me. "I was creeping on the students after I took attendance." She explained to me as she opened up the folder and I saw that there was a roster that had our ID pictures on it. Smart. "So lunch?" She asked me again as the doors opened and we walked out.

"Food sounds good." I admitted to her as we walked out of the building. Across from us leaning against a science center was a man, he wasn't that tall dressed in black skinny jeans, a Killers shirt on, a pair of converse, a jean jacket and sunglasses on. It took me a moment to realize it was Louis. I think the cigarette in his hand threw me off. He pushed off the wall and walked towards us. His fingers dropping the smoke and he put it out with the heel of his shoe.

"Harry is joining us for food." Rowan told Louis as he smiled quickly at me before turning to Rowan. It was weird, at times I didn't know if he knew he was smiling at me and when he realized it that was when he stopped.  
Stop over thinking everything Harry. I told myself as I walked behind and between Rowan and Louis.

Louis had his mobile in his hand as he spoke to Rowan. "Nialler is at the restaurant now. He wanted to know our orders." He explained to her as he slipped the mobile into his back pocket and kept on walking. I thought we were going to the cafeteria but as we passed it I was confused.

Rowan pulled her mobile out of her bag. "Okay I will just say the usual and to surprise Harold." She said looking back at me. "Best way to try new food is to have Niall pick it out for you." She laughed as she texted on her phone and pulled out sunglasses from her bag. "Jules will just meet us there." Rowan added as she slipped her phone back into her bag.

The sun was out and it felt good on my face. If I could I would sit outside the park and do my class work there. I would soak up all the heat and warmth hell I would even take a nap in a pubic park. It was legal for the most part.... I would assume. It was rare to have days upon days of weather like this with the sun back at home. My mind was only half listening as Rowan talked to Louis about something and he would give her short answers back.

Guess I wasn't the only one he mumbled to and would say just yes or no to. I listened as the cars drove by, honked their horns. I looked up and saw the skyline of the Great White City of Chicago. I wanted to go exploring this weekend. Get lost in the city and find myself for a moment before coming back to reality with school.

"How was class?" I heard Louis ask. I half listened as Rowan responded with how it was and then there was silence again. I didn't mind the silence. Louis seemed to enjoy it more than the nose of the world. "Harold."

Breaking out of my thoughts I looked at Louis. That is where that name came from. Why he chose Harold was a mystery.

"I asked how class was."

"Yeah?" I told him feeling like an idiot. He just looked at me with his eye brown arched. I knew he was rolling his eyes at me behind his sunglasses. "It was good. Interesting." I was a bumbling twat.

Rowan poked Louis as he hit her hand. "Chatte" he said under his breathe as Rowan hit his arm. "Jesus really?"  
"Yes." She told him with a serious face.

I cleared my throat and decided to try something out. "Il est impoli de l'appeler une chatte Louis" I spoke to him as he stopped and turned towards me. "Oui, je parle français"

Snickering Rowan gave me a thumbs up as Louis sulked. I followed them the rest of the way. I had no idea where they were going, for all I knew they were going to take me to an abandoned warehouse and kill me like Al Capone would have done back in the day. But, I trusted Louis in an odd way of how a smile child trusts a stranger when they say their dog is missing but isn't. It was exciting and bloody terrifying all at the same time.

"We are almost there I promise." She told me as we turned down a street and I saw restaurant after restaurant.

"What is your film about?" I asked as Rowan turned around with excitement as she fell back and walked next to me.

"I wanted to explore the views on love and how these two people exhibit A) who believes in love and true love in the raw and most passionate sense sees love and why and then look at exhibit B) who thinks love is a joke, a false mask that people put on for it's what society wants." She explained to me. "You want to be in it?"

"Well I believe in love. I don't think I would be any use. I'm sure you need someone who thinks Love isn't real."  
Rowan bit the bottom of her lip and laughed. "Actually... I have a person who thinks that."

"What?"

"So you in?" She asked not mentioning who she got that had such a horrific outlook of love and human relationships. We stopped on the street as Louis kept on walking. "Harry?"

I nodded. "Who do you have that doesn't believe in love?"

"Louis." She told me plainly.

_What?_

"Yes I had the same reaction when he told me that four years ago. And you know what he told me?" She asked as we caught up to Louis. He took off his sunglasses and looked at us.

"I said - that's life. People take and take and will tell you all that you need to hear to believe that you are loved only to fuck you over and leave you more destitute and pathetic than before."

I was taken aback by his comment. "Haven't you been in a relationship and thought that this was it. This was as good as it was going to get and you wanted to stay in that moment for you feel happy and joyous and know that the universe is looking out for you and your heart?"

Louis shook his head as we walked into a sandwich shop called Potbelly's. "Did that relationship end with one or both of your heart broken and feeling that you would have been better off without each other and that the universe was fucked up and wanted to mock you?"

"Yes but in that moment that was all that matters." I pointed out to him as Rowan held the door open for us and we walked in. I followed him as he headed over to a table where people sat.

Louis laughed. Not meanly or in a mocking way. "But that moment now just causes you pain. So that moment of joy is now a memory that you wish you never had. It doesn't make sense to me."

"But you have to take that chance. There has to be a relationship that you thought, 'to hell with life. I'm going to fall madly in love with the person and I will be damned if anyone stopped me'."

"No."

"Liar." I said as we walked over to a table where a blonde mad sat. He had a plaid shirt on, some vans and skinny jeans. He sat next to another blonde who had short shoulder length hair that was pulled back into a ponytail as she wore skinny jeans rolled up and a tye dye shirt that read 'Woodstock' on it.

"Harry this is Niall and Julia. Niall and Julia this is Harry Louis's roommate and he is in a class I'm ta-ing for." Rowan explained sitting down as she grabbed her food. Louis took his drink and food as Niall reached across the table and handed me a sandwich, shake and a cookie and crisps. "What is this?"

"Brownie shakes, a wreck sandwich with everything on it and then a oatmeal chocolate chip cookie and crisps." His thick Irish accent explained to me as he smiled he looked like a leprechaun.

"Cheers." I told him as I felt them all watching me as I took my first bite. It was a good sandwich and they were correct in always trusting Niall with food.

"So you want to be in the film?" Rowan asked me as she broke off a piece of her cookie and popped it into her mouth. "It's all voice overs and the acting is minimal. I'm not a director but I know what a good shot looks like. I would record your thoughts and then you both separate." She explained to me.

Why not? It would be fun and I wanted to get down to why Louis was so turned off to love. Niall talked and told jokes and laughed. I watched as Louis would shake his head but there was a small smirk on his face. Julia and Rowan discussed plans for Friday.

I was asked a few questions about where I was from (Redditch. Worcestershire). If I had siblings (Yes an elder sister Gemma). Why I came to America ( I got in and thought it would be fun.) How it was living with Louis, with a glare from him to them as I spoke (Fine. He makes good tea.) If I had seen Chicago (No.) They gasped. What I was studying (Film and French). What year was I (Sophomore). Favorite food - this came from Niall (Tacos and sweetcorn) My favorite movie (Love Actually- this got an eye roll from Louis which pleased me a bit). Did I like footie (yes.) What team did I support? (Manchester United). Do I like any other sports (Golf and that pleased Niall).  
As lunch winded down Niall had a class to get to and Julia and Rowan went back to their flat and Rowan told me to text her when I was free. That left Louis and I to walk back to the dorm.

"If you don't believe in love how can you be in a relationship." I asked Louis. I was still bothered I guess by the way he brushed off love.

Louis said nothing as he walked. He stuck his hands into his coat pocket and pulled out a smoke. Cupping the end from the wind he lit it. Taking a drag he looked at me. "What do you mean?"

 _Shit_. Was I wrong about him and Rowan.

"How do you have these views when you go into a relationship do you tell the other person, 'hey I don't believe in love I just want a nice shag'?"

Louis was silent again. "I've never been in a relationship."

My entire world seemed to shake as those words left his mouth. I looked at the man standing next to me, sure he he didn't have height as an advantage he was by no means short. I didn't believe him as he told me that. He had to have had some form of relationship or at least a hook up now and again. "Piss off." I told him but as I looked at Louis I realized that he was serious. "I thought... you aren't dating Rowan?"

Louis shook his head. "No, Niall is. They aren't a couple who participates in PDA to save us- us meaning me from the moaning and eye rolling."

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed you were lying." I told him feeling like a tosser.

Louis drugged taking another drag. We walked in silence on the way back to the campus. I didn't want to put my foot in my mouth again and Louis was enjoying his smoke. I was curious. If Louis had never had a relationship that he was... no he couldn't be a virgin. He was to, the ideal match for anyone who had eyes and a good taste in men.

"People always assume that." Louis said breaking the silence. "But I don't see her like that." He told me. "She is Rowan. Ick."

I laughed covering my mouth as he nudged me. "You sound like you are five and believe in cooties."

"I do." He said as I looked up at him and he laughed. "Not going to ask me why I don't believe in love?"

"No."

"Really?"

I turned and looked at him. "Do you want me to?"

"Not particularly."

"Okay."

"Why?"

I laughed and shrugged. "Because if you don't want to make you. It seems only logical."

"Okay Spock." Louis laughed as he took a drag and I watched his mouth move as the smoke escaped his lip. He looked like poetry in motion as he walked. His hand moved up to mouth and the smoke filled the air and flew away as he walked. His face tilted towards to sun as we didn't say anything more.

"Did you tell Rowan my real name was Harold?" I asked Louis.

"No..."

"Okay then did you call me Harold."

There was a pause. "No."

I laughed. "Yes you did. You know that you are a rubbish liar." I laughed as I nudged Louis and he nudged me back with his elbow. "I don't mind."

"Good."

"It's weird that a nick name is longer than my name." I pointed out to him as we reached the campus.  
"It's not a nick name."

"Yes it is." I laughed smiling as I caught the corner of Louis's lip curve up.

Louis dropped the smoke from his hands as he stopped and put his hands back into his coat pocket. "I have a footie meeting." With that he turned and headed towards the athletic offices and field.

Well that was longer than I thought he would spend with me. Closing my eyes I lifted my head to the sun and headed back to the dorm with a smile on my face.


	4. courage [l.t]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You'll find your feet, try not to worry now. Cause you're not to proud to need someone. I bend my knees and pray to god. I bend my knees and pray to god. Oh my god I've tried to thread the needle into this old light || Thread The Needle (The Griswolds)_

It was Friday. Never had I been so happy for it to be the weekend. I grunted as I finished my run on the treadmill in the workout room. Stepping off to the side I felt my heart racing and pounding so much my head even felt it. Turning the volume down on my iPod I popped off the top of my water bottle and chugged it. My lungs burned, my eyes hurt and my knees felt as if they were going to give out if I tried to walk. Taking the back of my hand I wiped the sweat off my brow. I had a long day and this run was what I needed to clear my head and leave the shitty universe behind me. 

Taking a deep breath in I grabbed my ID card and dorm key from the cup holder and made my way through the machines to the door to leave. I had lost track of time, I had left my mobile in the dorm and if Rowan needed me she would have texted Harry. I had scribbled on the white board that hung in our dorm that I was going to the gym and would be back when I was done. I don't know why I just didn't want Harry worried when I was gone and my mobile was there. My stomach growled, I needed food but the cafeteria was closed so I was left with whatever was in the dorm. Which was cheese, crackers, tea and beer. I think I was going to skip the tea and just hit the beer tonight. I could get buzzed and sleep it off tomorrow. 

Pushing the door open from the gym the night sky was dark and the stars seemed to illuminate and brighten up the night. The crisp air felt amazing in my lungs and on my hot and sticky skin. I needed a shower for sure. I smelt and I knew that Harry wasn't going to want to be around me smelling this horrible. He always smelt good. Either it was when he would come out of the shower and smelled of coconut or when he would put on his cologne before class. My feet walked the three minutes and I was at the dorm. Reaching the door I scanned my ID and decided to take the lift. My legs were jello and I wanted to sit down. 

The floor was loud and I wanted to get away from people. My head throbbed as if there was an elephant crushing it. Using every ounce of energy to unlock the dorm door. As the door opened and I walked in it smelt weird. I smelt... tacos. I also heard some music playing. I was more confused on the tacos than I was about the music. Walking in I took out my ear buds and paused my iPod. Harry sat on the couch, his long legs coiled up like an octopus. His chin rested on his knee as he doodled away in that journal of his. 

"Tacos?" 

Harry looked up. His legs stretching out as he pushed himself up and smiled. I walked over and sat down on the chair and toed off my shoes and set my iPod on the coffee table with my ID and key. I watched him as he handed me a plate of food. "I um. I asked Rowan what you got at Chipotle... I hope that was okay."  
He acted as if I was upset. I was confused but upset wasn't even an emotion that was on my radar. 

"Yeah." I said as he handed me the burrito bowl. It was steak with white rice black beans the fajitas with mild and hot salsa, corn salsa, sour cream, cheese, guacamole and lettuce. Pulling my feet up under me I watched as Harry sat down with his bowl. "You didn't need to." 

"I know." Harry told me as he picked at his food. "I know you went out of your comfort zone to empathize with me and so I figured after you were gone all day I would return the favor." 

I nodded. I realized I never texted him back. "Harry I'm sorry I didn't text-" 

He waved his hand in the air. "I understand. It wasn't because you were being rude it just slipped your mind." 

I could tell he was hurt by those words. I hurt him. Every part of my body that triggered emotions seemed to be going off. Warning signs loud echoed through my body. "You don't slip my mind and I should use that as an excuse. I am sorry." I was. Harry wasn't like the other people who texted me and they messages were full of fluff. When he texted me it was a 'hello' and then a quwestion. Simple. No jibber jabber about things that aren't needed. 

Harry looked up from his meal and smiled. His dimples on each side of his face as I tried to suppress my own. I hated smiling but with Harry I didn't feel bad about it. I went back to my food as the music played. My mind filled with questions about the dinner and Harry. But instead of speaking I just shoved the food into my mouth and chewed. My eyes watched Harry as he carefully ate his tacos and took a sip of the beer he had opened. 

"Do you not find men or women attractive?" Harry asked me. I would have thought the conversation came out of no where but I knew that he was still thinking about the love and relationship conversation back earlier this week. "Meaning in both sexual or non sexual way." 

I shrugged as I chewed my food. "I look at them," I said swallowing and setting my bowl down to speak. "And all I see are ways they could hurt me, or use me. I see manipulation before I see love. Don't give me a pitty look either it's just how I'm programmed." I explained to him as he continued to eat. "Who is this?"

"The Griswolds. What about me?" He asked me. 

"I like them." I admitted to him. "I saw that you cared."

"There Australian. I heard of them from a mate of mine who saw them so a show in the states with another band called Young Rising Sons." Harry said as I waited for a question on my sexuality but there wasn't any.

"Have you been in many relationships?" I asked since we had already gone down the rabbit whole with the questions. I know that Rowan had us working on what we were going to say as a voice over for her film so I had an excuse to my question not that I was actually curious. 

Harry nodded his head. "Two." He told me. I wasn't going to push it. I knew where he stood on love. I just assumed he would of had more. Or maybe less. Hell I even thought he was with someone. Although now I didn't think he was. "The first one I didn't love them. I cared about them but not the way that... not the way that I should when you are with someone." I just nodded my head and finished my dinner. Setting the empty bowl on the table I leaned back and placed my hands on the food baby that was now in my stomach. Harry finished up his dinner and then grabbed my rubbish. "You never clean up." He pointed out and I just glared at him. 

I cleaned up when I wanted to. 

I sat there as the album came to an end and Harry flipped the vinyl over. The music filled the dorm as he sat back on the couch and opened up his laptop. I contemplated getting my course work out. Be a proper student but my brain was decompressing from the day still. 

"Are you expect someone?" Harry asked as we both looked at each other as there was a knock on the door. 

"It's me." I said baffled by the question he just asked me. I half chuckled as how sad that statement could be for many of the college population.

"Point." He remarked as I pushed myself up off the chair. I enjoyed when he got a bit snarky and sarcastic with me. Rowan always complained I didn't know when to turn the sass off, but I was working on it. I didn't want Harry to think I couldn't be serious. I could. My socked feet walked across the tile floor as I went to open the door my eyes grew wide and a pit was in my stomach. 

Stan stood there. 

"I came to see the hell you are living in." He laughed pushing past me and walking in. Harry looked up from his computer and smiled and then turned back. He just needed to keep his mouth shut and all would be fine. "Is he a mute?" Stan asked as I saw Harry laugh to himself and continued to type on his laptop. 

"What do you want?" I was done with pleasantries with Stan. 

He cocked his head and looked at me as if I was an idiot. 

"What?" I asked him frustrated at his lack of speech and implied wankerish ways. I hated when people just assumed I could read there mind. He could stare at me all fucking day and I still wouldn't know - or care what he was trying to tell me poorly through a look. 

"Ummmm the party tomorrow." He said as if it was a party to end all parties. _Right. How could that slip my mind_. I thought as he stood in the common area and turned back at me. "I got some freshies to join so you should come tomorrow. Team bonding and shit." 

"No." I said holding the door open for him. "I'm not going to 'team bonding' where it's you getting 18 year olds drunk so you can score with them. Now can you leave?" 

Stan rolled his eyes at me as he sat on the arm of the couch. "You act so weird Tomlinson. Just because your from fucking London doesn't mean you have the right to be an ass. You playing house here with this bitch." He pointed at Harry and I watched as his body seemed to freeze. 

I felt my blood boiling and my hands curled up into fists. 

Stan's face seemed to light up as if he was fucking Einstein and just discovered the light bulb. He turned and moved closer to Harry. I had to stop my body from jumping on him and pulling him off of Harry. If he touched a hair on him so help me god I would fucking wreck him.

"Your the new fag." The words left his lips with hate and all the intent to hurt him. 

Harry's hands stopped moving across his laptop keyboard. 

All I could do was stand there. Move fucking legs. I told them but I stood there as Stan kept on talking. 

"You were talking with the group of queers who like to-" 

"Enough!" I yelled grabbing Stan by the shirt collar and pulling him away from Harry. By body finally unfroze and I was tired of this. He had done this one too many times before and I was done. "Get the fuck out." I hissed at him. I was ready to punch him. Ready to tell Harry to call Rowan for bail money. Ready to let him know I wouldn't expect this shit. It wasn't funny. It was cruel. It was him showing dominance and control. 

Stan looked at me shocked. I had never partook in his ruthless juvenal games he played with the other team members on kids on campus. I also never stopped him. Why I grew a spine now was something I was curious about myself. My face was serious. I was done. I took a deep breath as I calmed myself down as much as I could. 

"Have fun playing house. He might try and bone you at night." Stan snarled pushing my hand off of him and leaving. "By dick." 

Slamming the door I turned around as Harry sat there. His jaw was clenched. I was never good in these kind of situations. I would normally just walk away and let whoever it was deal with there feelings. Or I would turn and look at Rowan and she would take over. Consoling the person and telling them the words they needed to hear over what they wanted to hear. She had a way with people and I just stood there like a brick wall. I had words, I could see them in my mind. Perfectly formed sentences that had just enough empathy to come off as a human. Although I knew as soon as I opened my mouth the words would get tangled up, come out backwards and sideways and I would have made the situation worse than it was. Walking back into the common area Harry sat there for a moment. I knew he was trying to hold back tears. Or not scream. My mouth opened but I shut it. I didn't want to say something that would make the situation even worse. 

"I'm going to bed." Harry said shitting his computer. He set it down and went into the room. I stood there defeated I didn't say anything. 

"Fuck!" I hissed kicking the wall. 

Fuck Stan. 

Fuck me for not having balls to stop him before. 

Fuck the universe! 

Locking the dorm door I decided to take my shower. Leaving Harry to have time in the bedroom I grabbed the clean clothes from my footie bag and hit the shower. The hot water felt good on my body but no matter how good it felt I still felt like shit. I felt like this once when a guy was harassing Rowan and I punched him. Mind you we were both pissed from the bars 

This was different. I was hurt. Or felt hurt because Harry was hurting. 

This was new. I thought to myself as I lathered my hair up with shampoo. I watched the suds fall around my feet as I rinsed my hair. Washing off my body I turned off the water. I grabbed my towel and dried off my body before putting clean clothes on. Drying my hair I shook my head. I was about to drop the towel when I hung it up. Collecting my clothes I made my way into the bedroom. 

Harry had the lights off. 

Dropping my clothes on the ground and crawled into my bed. 

"I'm sorry about Stan." I said breaking the silence in the room. 

Harry said nothing. For all I knew he was asleep and I was just talking to myself. Nothing new but it would be annoying with me trying to reach out to him. 

"I don't care." I added as I folded my hands over my chest and looked up at the ceiling. This was the truth. I didn't. 

He was taking a page out of my book and staying quiet. 

_Well here goes nothing_. I thought as I opened my mouth and let the alphabet soup of words come out. "Harry I don't give a fuck if you like men or women or dogs. I am sorry Stan was a wanker and said those things. He has issues with his masculinity and he feels if he finds the weakest link he can prove to the herd he is the bravest." I explained to him taking a deep breath. "I should have said more. I was just shocked he sad those things I guess." 

"I think having sexual relations with a dog is illegal."

"In some states." 

Harry laughed. My heart felt a bit better. 

"If anyone ever tries to do anything to you. I know you can fight your own battles just. Tell me and I'll set the right." I said pressing the palms often hands over my eyes. 

"Thank you Lou." 

"Was the first relationship you had.... I'm guessing it was with a girl?" 

"Yeah. I was 13. I didn't not like her. I just didn't like her like most boys liked girls." He explained to me. I broke up with her at the end of the summer and then her mum and dad got divorced and she went to live with him in Devon." 

"Wow you made her flee?" I joked. "And the person you fell in love with..." 

"I dated him for 2 years," he told me as I listened to him hesitate. "Before you ask me no I don't regret loving him. Would I go back and change it. No. Do I still love him, I'm not sure." He explained to me. 

We laid there for a moment in a the dark. It seemed to engulf us and strip us down to allow us to talk about this. I didn't have to see Harry's face as he talked about these things and he didn't have to see mine. We were safe. 

"Why are you friends with him?" 

"Stan?" 

"Yeah." 

"I'm not friends with him. He happens to be on the footie team." I told him. "Are you busy tomorrow?"

I heard Harry sit up. "No...." he trailed off confused about what I was asking him no doubt. 

"I don't want to go to this bloody party and I was thinking if you and Niall wanted to we could go around the city and just- I don't know do stuff that people do." I said as my words seemed to just come out in one big heap and not a fluid sentence of an educated college student. 

I heard Harry laugh. I could imagine his chest shaking as his laughter filled the room. I wanted to be mad that he was laughing at me. But he wasn't. This was a laugh I've never head come from a person. It sounded as if there was love and compassion. Sitting up I threw my pillow as I heard a 'huff' as Harry stopped laughing. 

"Is that a yes Styles?" I asked him. 

"Yes Tomlinson." He told me as I heard him lay back down. 

"Can I have my pillow?" I asked him. "Harry. Harold!" 

"You threw it at me. Now I get it." He told me and I could just see a smug smile on his face. I said nothing as I got down off my bed. "Louis... where are you. Louis I swear to god don't-" he stopped as I turned on the light as Harry closed his eyes and grabbed my pillow. Sticking my tongue out at him I turned the light off and climbed back into my bed. "Real mature there Louis." 

I laughed as I laid my head down on my pillow and turned towards Harry's bed. "Say's the man who wouldn't give me back _MY_ pillow." I laughed at him. 

"Night Louis." Harry said. 

"Night." I said. 

***

The music screamed in my ears as I ran through campus. I didn't want to be stuck in a gym. I wanted to feel the air in my lungs and the sun on my face. I had put on shorts, my sunglasses and a headband to keep my hair from my face. I had told Harry we would leave at four to go and adventure through the city. I felt my heart beating in my head every time my foot hit the pavement and I pushed myself forward to finish my run. 

I had eaten breakfast with Harry when we got up. He was feeling better after Stan was a dick last night and I had to admit it was nice to have someone there I could converse with if I wanted to. No one was really in there, it was Saturday morning before noon most of the college population was still hungover and asleep in their dorm rooms or someone else. Harry talked about the things he wanted to see and I would make a face if it was too touristy or not. Although I knew that we would do it all for him. I enjoyed seeing him this excited and happy - he even told me he was going to bring his camera and practice a bit. 

I had woken up this morning and Harry wasn't any different to me than he was before I found out he was gay. He still cleaned to much, told me to pick up my shit and wore the weirdest clothes in the world. I knew that Rowan would have guessed by now and Julia and probably Niall. I was never too keen on the social cues of people's sexual orientation. Mainly because I didn't care.

Stopping in the courtyard that was in front of my dorm I bent over, placing my hands on my knees I took a deep breath and felt the sweat dripping off my face. My back was soaked and my legs were jello. Standing up I stretched out my legs and arms as Stan came walking with Drew and Anthony from footie. They both laughed as they came closer to me. I kept my headphones in and maybe they would get the social clue to leave me the fuck alone. 

I was livid with Stan and his comment. 

I looked up and behind my sunglasses I could see his mouth saying 'Tomlinson!'. Sighing I removed one ear bud and turned the roar of the music down as he and his lackeys walked up to me. "What the fuck do you want?" I asked him crossing my arm over my chest and stretching it. 

"Last night what was that about. I was just joking with him." He told me but I knew he wasn't. He was afraid I would open my big mouth and coach would find out and then the school and he would be benched for bullying a student. "I mean has he bummed you." 

"Sod off." I said rolling my eyes and making my way to the door to get into the dorm. 

Stan laughed and I heard Drew and Anthony whispering something to each other. "Do you like him Louis?" 

"He is a friend so just go be a prick someplace else okay." I said scanning my ID but he shut the door before I could open it. 

"When did you get friends with people like him?" 

"It's the fucking 21st century Stan, stop being a bastard." I hissed at him. "I don't care who you're friends are and why the hell do you care who I am with?" I asked him. 

"I mean it Lou. The gays will hit on you until you cave and do what they want." 

Did he listen to himself when he spoke. I said nothing. Ignoring his comments I stood there just wanting to get in. 

"What does your girlfriend think?" 

"Rowan isn't my girlfriend." I spat at him. "She is with Niall and can you drop it. I'm sorry that you're mind can't comprehend the fucking fact a male and female can be friends. I'm sorry that my penis doesn't control my every fucking action. Now move I need to shower." I said as Stan stepped aside. I scanned my ID and walked in. 

I was done with his games. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little plug here for two bands that are mentioned in this chapter. 
> 
> 1) The Griswolds if you are reading this and haven't heard of them get on Spotify or iTunes and download there album BE IMPRESSIVE. It's fantastic these guys are such talented musicians and they are currently touring with WALK THE MOON. I've seen them live and they put on a kick ass show!!
> 
> 2) Young Rising Sons. Okay this is a plug for my friends *covers eyes* these four guys have worked there asses off for five years and honestly are the not only talented but the nicest guys you will ever meet hands down. They are like my older brothers so you can also check them out on Spotify or download there EP on iTunes - full length album to drop this summer!!


	5. words [hs.]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it || Henry David Thoreau_

The sun was bright and the morning air was crisp as Louis and I stood at Rowan's flat as he pressed the intercom to have her buzz us in. We had received a text stating to be at her flat at 6:45 and there would be coffee and pastries for us. My hands were in jacket as I had pulled my hair up. My eyes were heavy and my body was anxious. I hadn't slept that night due to the worry in my brain about this voice over. I was brought out of my thoughts as Rowan's voice came over the intercom and there was a buzz. 

Louis pushed the door open and looked back at me as I followed him in. The flat was an old brownstone and they had the top part. Walking up the steps the door opened and Rowan stood there with a smile on her face, she was in black leggings, a black v-neck (it had to be Niall's it was too large on her) and a black kimono that had pink and orange flowers. her hair was in a messy bun on the top of her head. 

"Coffee, tea and breakfast is in the kitchen." She told us as we headed on in. Louis toed off his trainers and I bent over and slipped off my boots. She took both of our jackets and we walked through the small living area into the kitchen where Julia sat at the table coffee in hand. 

I sat down and poured myself a cup and grabbed a scone as Rowan took a seat and began to tell us how this was going to play out today. "We will start with Harry and you will read your part. We will do it a few times and I might have you add more to it. Then we will run through Louis. I need to be done by 12 I have work at 1." She told us sipping her coffee.

I wanted to eat but my nerves began to act up. The butterflies in my stomach were turning to moths and my heart felt as if it was going to palpitate right out of my chest. I looked down into my coffee and mentally began giving myself a pep talk. I had practiced the monologue hell I had done plays back in primary school this was just me talking to a microphone. Only with Louis and Rowan in the room. 

_Stop_. I told myself shaking my head. I wasn't going to work myself up. If I did I would end up dry heaving over the toilet again. Not ideal.

"Let's get this show in the road." Louis said taking his plate of food and coffee and heading towards the bedrooms. "Are you two coming?" 

I grabbed my coffee and followed him into Rowan's room. It was small white walls a full bed, bedside table desk and two mattresses set up with a microphone. Louis sat down on the ground, his back against the wall as Rowan took a spot at her desk. I made my way cautiously over to the microphone. Setting the coffee on the dresser I was standing next to I slipped the headphone around my neck and waited for instructions. 

"Shit I will be right back." Rowan said leaving her room as she jumped over Louis plate of food. 

"Breathe." Louis told me. I turned and looked at him as he swallowed the croissant. "You will be fine. It's just me and Ro." 

I nodded. 

"Seriously Harry breathe." 

"I am." I insisted as Rowan came back into the room. She took her seat and I slid the headphone on. 

Taking a deep breath I looked down at the words that were printed on the paper and they all seemed to blur together. Rubbing my hands on my pants to get rid of the sweat I opened and closed my eyes quickly as the words still seemed to be a big blur. Maybe I was going blind by the nerves. If that was even a thing. The longer I stood there the more my chest began to tighten and I began to talk to myself upsetting my anxious nerves even more. 

"Sorry." I said as Rowan smiled patiently at me and Louis sat there. For all I knew it was going to take till noon for me just to get one bloody word out. "Sorry." 

"Take your time" she told me. 

Closing my eyes I counted to ten. On ten I would open them and starting speaking even if I couldn't see the words or keep my legs. Or my face. My entire body was almost shutting down from nerves. 

_Snap out of it_! I yelled at myself. As I reached ten I opened my eyes and I could see the words. They did seem to move a bit on the paper but if I concentrated hard enough they stopped. 

"Love is something we have seen and experienced since we were born. Growing up love would waver in and out of our lives. Sometimes there was a false sense of love with a friend or a man or a woman. No matter what love was there." As I spoke I realized how stupid I sounded. This wasn't me. This was me trying not to sound like a wanker only coming off like a giant one. "Shit." I said and I saw Louis's eyes grew wide as I swore. "Sorry. I- this is crap what I wrote." 

"No." Rowan said to be polite but I knew. 

"No it is. Sorry. Maybe you got the wrong guy." 

She shook her head. "No. I have the right guy. Just loosen up." She said as I rolled my shoulders forwards and backwards. "From where you stopped?"

Nodding I slid the headphone back onto my head. "I guess you can say I'm a romantic without the helpless part. I believe in the happy endings, but I know that sometimes those happy endings to end. But in that moment those two people were happy." I said as I looked up at Louis as he smiled at me before putting his cup up to his lips and taking a drink. "I believe that in this world romance is all around us- each couple poses a different- a different- interpretations of loves."

Moaning I slipped the headphones off and rooms deep breath. Why was this so hard. I sounded like an idiot. I wrote like an idiot. I couldn't even say sorry again. "I need the loo." I said leaving the bedroom and turning down the hall which I assumed contained the toilet. Shutting the door I put the seat down and sat down. I covered my face with my hands I took a few deep breaths. 

I would just go and tell Rowan I was sorry and I couldn't do this. I would tell her that I wasn't the right guys and that I didn't mean to put her in this situation. I just couldn't do it. I wanted to but my body was holding me back. 

"It's being used." I said as I heard the door handle rattle and Louis walked in. "I don't want to talk Louis." 

"No, but shockingly enough I do." He told me as he walked over and sat on the edge of the bathtub. "I'm not good at this so you will just have to deal." He said as I looked up and realized that he came in here to see if I was okay. Not to tell me to man up or to deal but to see what was wrong. "You don't need to get all upset. What you wrote is good." 

"How do you know?" 

"You left your laptop open and I read it the other day." He told me truthfully.

I should have been upset but oddly enough I chuckled. Leave it to the man whose emotions flip on and off like a light switch to go on my laptop and read my monologue.  


"That's not the point. The point is if it was shite, which it's not, Rowan would have told you in the nice Rowan way and she would have then told you no piss off and she would have found someone else for the film." He explained truthfully. "By you thinking it's crap it's coming off as crap. Which it's not." Louis paused as he looked at me and I saw that he was thinking before he spoke. He stood up and paced a bit before stopping, he looked down at me and spoke again. "I want to hear what you have to say. Your words hold power Harry and you need to be able to choose them wisely and know when to speak and not. Now though, you need to get out there and show me and Rowan that you believe in those words he wrote about. That you believe in love and happiness and the joy and selflessness you wrote about. People need to know that is out there - that even when the universe fucks you over so bad there will always be that one person who is standing there in the rubble extending their hand to show love to you." 

Swollowing I sat there and looked at Louis. He didn't move, his face stayed sullen as he stood there waiting for me to make the first move. I took a bit of toilet paper and blew my nose from the few tears I had let escape my eyes before Louis walked into the toilet's. I was about to stand up as Louis held out his hand. Taking it I smiled up at him and I followed him out and back into Rowan's bedroom. 

***  
When we left Rowan's it was just after noon and the sun was out and had warmed up the city. I pulled my sunglasses from my pocket as Louis and I walked in silence although I wasn't sure where. I was just following him. "Do you have plans today?" I asked him as he dug through his coat pockets and pulled out a cigarette and a lighter. 

"Hmmm." Louis mumbled as he lit the end of his smoke and took a drag. His hands slid the light back into his pocket and we continued to walk. "Lunch. I'm starving." He told me as we walked towards an L station. "You want a proper English meal?" He asked me as he tapped his card and walked through the turnstile. 

"Yes." I said almost begging as the idea of a proper meal made my stomach growl even more. 

"Okay then. That's what we are doing." He told me as I tapped my ventra card and almost ran through the turnstile and followed him up to the tracks. I didn't ask any more. He would give me the information if he felt like it. I had grown use to just trusting Louis. I ruled out that it was due to the crush I had on him. I wouldn't follow anyone blindly that was a bit pathetic. I truly trusted this man which came as a shock to me as I'm sure as just as shocking to Louis that he liked hanging out with me. 

"Do you really believe all those words you said?" I asked him as I looked up at the sky. It was a crisp blue, a few clouds that looked like cotton candy lingered in the sky as the sun shown down on us. 

"Yes." Louis said as the smoke left his lips and he looked up at the sky as well. "You believe everything you said?" 

"Yes." I told him. 

As the train pulled into the station Louis dropped his smoke and put it out with the bottom of his shoes as we got out. He made his way through the Sunday riders and founds seats for us. He slid in and sat by the window as the L-train jerked forward and we were headed to this mysterious destination. The ride was silent. Not that I had expected Louis to have idol chit chat. He sat there his eyes looking out the window as I sat next to him. The car was half full. There was a few college students there. A woman who was dressed to go to work and a couple that was in the corner sneaking kisses with each other. We rode for a good half hour before Louis tapped my knee to get up. 

As we reached Irving Park I followed Louis out and down the steps and we began to walk again. 

"So when I first came to school here Rowan introduced me to this place. I had been missing my mum's cooking and just proper food where there wasn't several thousands options to order from and where I could get a proper cuppa. It's a nice piece of home here in Chicago." Louis explained to me as he walked his hands in his jacket pocket. "They recently moved so they are now open for breakfast, lunch and dinner." 

"Fantastic." I told him as we turned down a street and we walked again in silence. "Louis." 

"Hmm," he said turning his head at me. 

"I'm sorry that you believe that about love. I don't know what happened and you don't ever need to tell me. I'm just sorry that it did and you think of love that way." I admitted to him. I watched and feared that I had upset him enough that he would tell me to fuck off and I would be in a part of Chicago I didn't know trying to get home. 

"Ta." He told me as we came to the restaurant. Spencer's Jolly Posh Foods. Louis held the door open for me as I walked in. The people there seemed to know him and and smiled, greeted him and he greeted them back as we were sat at the table by the window. The waitress handed us each a menu. Giving us a minute to look it over I felt at home in an odd way. 

"If the food is rubbish I will complain for a good month and will make you cook me a proper meal one day." I joked with Louis as my eyes read the item on the menu.  
"You don't want me to cook for you," he laughed as the waitress came back with a pot of tea and two mugs. "I almost burnt down Rowan's parents house making pasta." 

I looked up at him over the top of my menu I thought he was kidding but he looked back at me serious. "We will have to give you some cooking lessons." I laughed. 

Making a face at me where he crossed his eyes and pressed his lips together so they almost looked like a flat line I wasn't sure if I should laugh or give him a confused look back. Thankfully the waitress came before I had to make the choice. "Can we get an order of the Irish pancakes - do you want something else to drink besides tea?" Louis asked me.  
Looking up from the menu I passed. I would stick with the tea for now. The waitress wrote down the starters and then went to put it in. I wasn't sure what to get. It all sounded fantastic and if the food was as good as Lou said I might eat three meals. As she came back Louis set his menu down and ordered his English Breakfast. As much as I wanted to try something else the breakfast was calling my name and I ordered the same thing. "Also can we get an order of chips?" Louis asked her before she left. 

"Sure thing Louis." She laughed walking back to the kitchen. 

"Irish Pancakes and chips?" I asked him as Louis poured my tea for me and then himself. "Hungry much?" 

"Yes. They have the best chips. I also usually am here with Niall and they set us at a bigger table since the mad bastard orders so much food." He explained to me shaking his head. 

"How he is still so thin is amazing." I admitted to him as the starter came with the chips. Louis waited for me to get mine and then he grabbed the other one. I decided to try the chips first. As I popped it into my mouth I wanted to moan at how fantastic they tasted. "Okay I was wrong you were right to order these." I told Louis as a laugh escaped his lips.  
"I told you Styles. I won't steer you wrong." 

"Well you haven't so far." I said taking a bite of my pancake which was as equally as fantastic. 

Louis and I ate talking a bit about school and classes. He asked if Stan had bothered me and I said no. I hadn't seen him on campus and I was happy for that. As our meals came my stomach was full from tea and chips but that didn't stop me from digging into a proper breakfast. I could have closed my eyes and I would have thought I was back at home with Gemma and my mum having Sunday Brunch together. Each bite reminded me of home, but I had to admit I enjoyed the company I was sharing here in America. 

Louis got another pot of tea as he finished off his cuppa. "So join any clubs?" 

"I was thinking of joining the film club that is on campus. But I need to find a job and that comes before any clubs. Let me guess - you are anti-clubs?" I asked him.  
Louis shook his head as he finished off his breakfast. "I do footie remember." He reminded me. 

"That is a sport not a club." I corrected him. "I was thinking of working the coffee shop on campus. I worked at a bakery back at home I figured it's about the same thing."  
"I would try. I can bum coffee out of you." 

"Always thinking of others." 

"Always." He told me his eyes locking with mine as he smiled. 

When the bill came Louis paid for it and told me not to worry that it was his treat to give me a proper meal for he knew I was still homesick. We made our way back to the L as he dug in his coat pockets for a smoke again. "Shit." He hissed as he crumpled up the empty carton in his hand. 

"You know you smell better when you don't smoke." I told him as I watched my feet walk. I wanted to hit myself for those words coming out in the phrase. Think Harry. Please for the sake of everyone around you think before you open up your bloody mouth! 

Louis looked at me a bit guilty as he asked me, "how do you know how I smell?" 

"You smell of coconut and I know this due to the last week and half you have been using my shampoo thinking I wouldn't notice," I pointed out to him as we scanned our ventra cards and headed up to the tracks. 

"Why didn't you say anything?" 

I shrugged. "I don't mind." 

"Yeah?" 

"Yea." I told him as the train pulled up and we got on. Louis slid into the row and I sat down next to him. We sat in silence as we made our way back to the dorm. It was weird - never had silence ever felt so full of words and meaning than the moment with Louis I had. 

When we got back to campus Louis was a bit more chatty as he told me about a paper he had to write and was dreading. He didn't even finish the book he hated it so much. I laughed at him as he explained that he had just googled it and typed in the key words to be able to cite the novel. It was actually brilliant and I was going to do that this coming term. 

"Head back to the dorm." Louis whispered to me as I looked over and saw that Stan was walking towards us. Louis turned around almost pleading in his eyes. "Now." 

"Lou..."

He looked at me, as Stan's figure became clearer. "Harold please." He pleaded with me and I knew he was serious. I placed my hand in his shoulder and gave it a squeeze as I walked away. I listened as Louis walked towards Stan and I ducked behind a building to watch. I knew Louis was one who would get physical if need be- and I didn't want him ending up with a broken nose or and or rib. 

I was able to catch a few words that Stan said. Talking about where the hell he was the past few weekends and Louis said he was busy with homework. Which was partly true but also a lie. He had been with me. Or me and Niall. Or with all of us. 

"You were with him again?" I heard Stan asked and my heart sank as I knew he was talking about me. "So he has to be bumming you."

I closed my eyes. I didn't want Louis to feel the need to fight for me. I had been dealing with wankers all my life. 

"Fuck off Stan." I heard Louis's voice. 

"Do you like him?"

"Why do you care?" I heard Louis asks. "Is me being friends with Harry affecting your life that much? Or are you just a pin headed piss pot that has nothing better to do on a Sunday than throw around your so called masculinity?" 

"Pretty fierce words coming from a man who never fucking speaks. You know if you are seeing him your life will be fucking hell." 

"And if you harass him I will make sure pay so bad that you will never think of doing it again." Louis hissed at Stan his voice was deep and filled with anger. 

"Really?" 

I heard a yell. A gasp and as I looked around the corner I saw Stan on the ground holding his face as Louis shook his hand. He bent down and looked at him. "Fucking touch Harry and I'll fucking break you." 

I knew that was was my cue to go. I fumbled for my ID in my pocket as I waked quickly to the dorm doors. As soon as I heard the click I headed up the two flights up steps and to the floor. Making my way down the hallway as fast as I could walking (I knew that if I ran Louis would figure out I had stayed and watched). My hands shook a bit as I put the key into the door and unlocked it. Pushing it open I entered the dorm. Hanging up my coat and toeing off my shoes I placed my hands on my hips not sure what to do.  
Louis had just punched someone. For me. But had punched them none the less and that was something I didn't want. But he did. Which was flattering but wrong, which I kept repeating to myself over and over. 

_Okay Harry just collect your thoughts. Ice. He will need ice for his hand_. I told myself as I made myself walk over to the mini fridge. I grabbed a bag and dumped all the ice we had into the bag and stood there and waited for him to get into the dorm. As I heard the door open Louis hung up his jacket and sat down on the chair. My hands shook as I walked over and handed him the bag of ice for his hand. 

"Thank you." I said to him as Louis took the bag and placed it on his hand. 

"I told you to go." 

"And I told you I can fight my own battles." I told him. "Guess we both don't listen." 

He sat in the chair with a scowl on his face as he held the ice on his hand. God I hoped it wasn't broken that was one trip to the A&E I didn't want to explain. "I don't like it." 

I took a seat on the couch and placed my hand in Louis's knee. "I don't either. But those people are out there and fighting them makes you as bad as them. Thank you. I mean that." 

"Thanks for the ice." He muttered looking away from me. Pushing up from the chair my hand fell from his knee and he walked into the bedroom. 

Guess we were done talking about it.


	6. strong [h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You never realize how strong you are. Until being strong is the only choice you have || Anonymous_

Funny thing about hospitals everyone smelled the same. It was a mixture of sickness and over cleanliness. Each one seemed to shop at the same department store of fluorescent lights that turn everything around you into this dull sick color. The walls were beat up, patched up and beat up again. The floors to clean for ones own good. They all felt the same, you had people who were dying, sick, worried about a surgery or someone who was in one. People praying to hard or not enough, and then the few who sat void unsure of what was happening around them or how then ended up there. 

1:47 am.

My eyes traveled back down to Louis who was asleep (thanks to the drugs) in the bed. His face was half swollen, a brace on his broken nose and a few cracked ribs, he had five stitches on the top of his head that would end up leaving a small scar. I was having a battle of my will and what Rowan wanted. I wanted to believe the story that he had no idea who did this to him but I knew. Or I knew who had orchestrated the entire thing but was actually smart enough not to get his hands bloody with the mess. I kept telling myself that Louis would be fine. He would be fine, he would play footie. I wanted to tell her that she could go home, I would stay with him but she had the car to bring him back to the campus. 

Taking a seat in the chair by Louis's bed I watched him sleep. Today would officially have to be classified in my life as a day I wish never happened.

 **FLASHBACK: EARLY TODAY**

My body didn't want to wake up as my alarm went off. I could hear the shower running and knew that Louis must have gone for a run this morning. My hand fumbled around the bed as I turned off the alarm. Rolling over onto my back, my eyes still closed I began the process of thinking of the classes I had and if I could miss them. My 8 am was English and we were in the lab writing a paper. 

_I won't go to that one since my paper is done and I submitted it yesterday_. I thought to myself. So I can set my alarm for 8:45 as of now. My second class of the day was French and actually enjoyed going to that class plus we had a test we were prepping for so that was a must attend. My final class was just a History class. _Are we watching a movie today....If the syllabus says that we are watching a film I will skip- I can just watch it in my own. I guess it depends on the film as well_. Rolling back over to my side I reset my alarm for 8:45 and pulled the covered over my head and waited till I drifted back to sleep. 

It had only taken Louis till Tuesday to be waiting outside my class for me and Rowan to ask me to get some lunch with him. I took that as his white flag of surrender. I saw him more in the dorm and we had the nights where we music on and we both sat in the common area doing out school work and not speaking. Back to our version of normal. I was pleased. 

"Are we skipping?" I heard Louis ask me as he walked into the room. 

"Gowaways." I mumbled. So I wanted to start my Friday a bit early I had plans with myself. Go get dinner and see a movie. I had gotten a few texts from Eli about a party he was throwing. I was fond of Eli like one is fond of a puppy. I knew he had a crush on me - or maybe all he wanted was a hook up but either way I wasn't much of one to go to parties.

"Breakfast." 

"What?" I asked peaking my eye out of my duvet as I saw Louis was in proper adult clothes that humans wore that were not track pants and graphic t-shirts. He had on black skinny trousers that were rolled up to show off his ankles (and the tattoos on them). A black v-neck t-shirt and it looked like he had a suit jacket laid out on his bed. 

"If you are skipping then you can go and have breakfast with me." He told me as if I was a bit thick on his one word statement of 'breakfast'.

"The point of me skipping is so I can sleep." I pointed out to him as he rolled his eyes at me. "New topic, why are you dressed like James Bond?" 

Another eye roll as he grabbed (which I had no idea he even owned) a hairdryer and some gel. "I have this stupid presentation in that history class and Rowan told me to not dress like a footie bum," he explained to me. "Back to the original topic. Breakfast." 

Huffing I knew that he would keep asking until I went. Pushing the duvet off my body I jumped down off my bed. I gathered my clothes and walked past Louis to take a shower. He was shaving (Another thing I wasn't sure he did that often). "I'm going to shower." 

"Okay." 

"Just so you don't bang on the door telling me to hurry my ass up." I said as he chuckled. "You do it all the time so be patient. It's a virtue." 

"Just hurry up and shower Hazza." He hissed turning towards me his face half covered in shaving cream and a razor in his hand. 

Another nickname. I laughed to myself as I walked into the shower, shutting and locking (I had learned the hard way) the door. I turned the water on and waited for it to get warm as I slipped out of my jimjams. Maybe the shower would make me feel better and want to be an active student on this Friday. 

As the water hit my body I found the shampoo (Louis had pointed out why not just get a bigger bottle of the stuff I already used and we could both use it. Save money and space in the shower). Lathering up my hair I had forgotten to grab my mobile and I figured that with Louis using the hair dryer and the shower he wouldn't be able to hear me sing. 

"All the tales that have never been told. Build up fire to keep away the cold we'll sing songs that will never get old we'll be here forever!" I sang and danced a bit in the shower as I heard the music in my head. "We'll rule the world together forever with our heart of gold who needs any treasure? We'll take our time just living our lives. Our castle in the sky if I was king of the world." I hummed the rest of the song as the shampoo suds surrounded my feet and I was once again clean and smelling of coconuts. Turning off the shower I grabbed my towel and dried off before slipping on my clean clothes and running my hands through my hair. Walking out of the bathroom with my towel and clothes I stopped as Louis stood there finishing his hair. 

He had styled it and he looked like James Dean or Link Larkin in Hairspray. He looked like an entirely different person than I had known this past month. "Nice singing." 

Shit.

"I sing in there to. No audience." 

I smiled and walked into the room my face was warm from the embarrassment of him hearing me sing. Tossing my clothes and towel into the hamper I brushed my bed hair and decided to let it just dry on it's own. I slipped my brown boots on and grabbed my rucksack as Louis slipped his suit jacket on and grabbed his bag. "Is the wrath of Rowan that much that you cleaned up and look like you are going to a wedding?" I asked him as we left the dorm and headed to the cafeteria. 

"You know how the saying 'hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn' well Rowan is worse." He told me. "She is part Italian and part Russian so when you get her pissed it's mental." 

"But she is minoring in French?" 

"She is weird what can I say?" laughed Louis as we walked through the quad and made our way to the cafeteria. Thankfully it wasn't to busy and we were able to walk right up, scan our ID's and went to get our food. I went to get my normal banana and toast while Louis loaded his plate with eggs, bacon and potatoes. I grabbed us a table and flagged down Niall as he joined us. His plate was piled with food like it always was when we ate together. 

Louis came back with coffee and handed me an orange juice. "So you get to go to the banquet for Ted on Saturday?" Louis asked Niall as he looked sad and nodded his head. "Hey there will be booze and I'm sure Rowan will let you bust out a few dance moves." 

"Yes I think we are just staying at her mum and dad's and driving back on Sunday." Niall told him. "What do you have planed for this weekend?" 

"Nothing. Lottie wants to Skype so I told her when we could," He explained. I knew he was talking about his sister. Every once in a blue moon he would mention his home back in Doncaster but it was only for a split second as if it was a slip of the tongue or mind. "How about you Hazza?" 

"I think I'm going to go and see a movie with myself tonight." I admitted as I broke off a piece of the banana. "Eli is having some party thing I might stop by but I haven't decided yet." 

"What movie?" Niall asked me. 

"What kind of party?" Louis asked setting down his fork and looking at me as if he was my father and I was telling him why I was out past curfew. 

"I haven't decided yet," I said turning to Niall. "A party with people and beer and music. It's at his flat and he had invited a handful of people from his classes. I told him I would see." I said a bit defensive about why Louis was getting so worked up about my social life. "You can come if that is what is bothering you." 

"I don't want to go." Louis said shaking his head. "I hate parties." 

I cocked my head. "I said that I was invited Lou. Eli is my mate and he invited me to a party. It's not a crime." Why I even cared I had decided this morning I wasn't going to go. But I didn't want Louis to think he could dictate my goings with people. "So because you don't want to I can't?" 

"I never said you couldn't go." Louis said as he started to get defensive and annoyed. "I don't care that he is your friend and I don't give a rats ass that I wasn't invited."

"Guys..." Niall said but I ignored his plea for us to stop the row. 

"You are acting like it." I pointed out annoyed at Louis setting my fork down. I had lost my appetite. "What is wrong?" 

"Nothing." Louis hissed as he got up taking his plate. I opened my mouth and was about to get up when Niall put his hand out and shook his head. I wanted him toss his food away and leave the cafeteria. 

"Did I do something?" I asked Niall and he shook his head again. 

"Louis is - territorial is a bad term but he is careful when he makes friends and he keeps them close to him even when he seems to be distant and kind of a wanker. You just said you had plans with other people and something switched in his brain and that meant you made friends who are 'normal.' He will come around." 

"I wasn't even going to go." I said exasperated to Niall. I pushed my plate of food away from me as I now felt like the bad guy who had pushed Louis away once again. "Parties aren't my thing. Never have been." 

Niall shrugged as he took the toast off my plate. "He will come around. He is also stressed about this project. He hates public speaking and with the shit Stan has given him the past few days-" He said and then stopped as he realized he wasn't supposed to tell me that. "You heard nothing." 

"Niall." 

He shook his head and stood up. I grabbed my rucksack and plate and followed him. I tossed my food and set my plate to be washed as I almost ran after him out of the cafeteria. "Niall!" I yelled as he stopped. Running I caught up to him, I had no place to be till 9:10 so I was willing to follow him around until he told me what the hell was going on with Louis. "What do you mean the shit that Stan has been giving him?" 

"It's just him being a dick. The coach called Louis in and gave him a lecture for punching Stan and then Stan told him to watch his back for he was going to get him back for what he did." Niall said but I knew there was more. Clenching my jaw I cocked my head and looked at him, I needed him to cave. I wasn't going to let Louis take the crap of a man who was afraid I was going to bum him (which I wouldn't since Stan, even if he was gay, wasn't my type). "He can't run at night or in the gym for Stan is there so that is why he goes running in the morning. You can't tell him that I told you." 

"I won't." 

"I'm serious Harry. He has dealt with Stan being an ass before and he just ignores him till someone pisses him off more than he did and he forgets about Louis and he is back to being his friend or whatever he thinks he is with Louis." 

"He doesn't need to fight my battles." 

"He isn't." Niall told me. "Stan has hated Louis since I have been at school. Stan was the footie player in high school and then he came to college and Louis showed up and he was put back into his place. He tries to keep the status that he is the best when Louis is, but he doesn't want that sort of attention. It's been a battle and will always be until they are done and Stan is stuck in his ways and Louis moves on for he is the bigger person." 

"Why didn't he tell me this?" I asked Niall as we walked to his class. 

"It's Louis. He keeps things to himself unless they will affect someone else." Niall told me. "He doesn't want you to be afraid to walk around the campus so that is why he put Stan in his place. He won't fight your battles but he will make sure that you are prepared." 

"How did he get like this?" 

"Not my place," Niall said and I knew he was correct about this. "Just remember he has a different thought process than us and sometimes you need to explain things in a way more people would just understand." 

"Thanks Niall." 

"Ta!" he said and then stopped. "Can you help me, I need to get a suit and look nice for this banquet and I'm not the best with fashion." He looked down at his skinny jeans and graphic tea with a flannel over it. "I will buy you dinner?" 

"Done we can go after class?" 

"Cheers. I'll text you." Niall said a he jogged up the steps and to his class. Walking to my class I pulled my mobile from my pocket and sent a message to Louis. 

_iMessage  
9:00am_

**Hey I'm going to help Niall get a suit for his banquet on Saturday and then see a film. Do you want to come? - H**

**No- L**

**Okay. Are you staying at Rowan's tonight?- H**

**I don't know - L**

**I'm sorry- H**

Letting out a sigh I walked into my French class and let the issues with Louis stay outside the classroom. I had told Eli I wouldn't be able to make it to his party that I was helping a friend with something and I had a date with myself planned. Thankfully he understood, I was so use to dealing with Louis that it was nice to have some just say okay and be fine.  
I skipped my History class and Niall and I headed to Water Tower Place where he got a nice simple black suit with a tie and new shoes. The suit thankfully fit him off the rack. We paid and then grabbed a meal at The Cheesecake Factory. I enjoyed hanging out with Niall, he always was positive about life and his laugh was infectious to those around him. He thanked me again for my help and went back to change for he was taking Rowan out for some ice cream date night and was helping her pick music for her film. 

I had debated on texting Louis again but I knew it was better just to leave him be. I headed to the cinema. I got my ticket to see _Black Mass_ , indulged a bit more with a small popcorn and then found my seat. I made sure that I was far enough back that I wouldn't disturb couples or groups of people who came but I was still comfortable enough not to look like a creeper sitting alone. The theater filled up a bit as the lights dimmed and the film began. I was only half watching - my mind and my chest felt that I needed to check on Louis. My chest was tight as if something bad had happened to him. You are just thinking this because of what Niall told you, I told myself moving in my seat. 

But was I? 

_Watch the movie you just paid ten bloody dollar for_. I told myself and I put my thoughts of Louis on hold and enjoyed the rest of the film with Benedict Cumberbatch and Johnny Depp. As soon as the credits rolled and the lights came up I grabbed my empty popcorn bag to toss out. I had a few missed calls and messages. 

All from Rowan. 

"Hey Harry it's Row. Have you heard from Louis? He isn't answering his mobile which isn't new but this just doesn't feel right. I know you are in a movie and let me know how it is. But if you can see if he is at the dorm and just being an ass." 

I deleted that and listened to the next one. 

"Hey it's me again. He wasn't i his dorm and he hasn't replied back to Niall. Can you try. Thanks." 

As I walked out of the theater my heart began to race. I didn't care about the money, I threw my hand up in the air and told the taxi drive to bring me back to campus. There was three more messages and they still hadn't found him. My hands shook as I kicked myself for not fucking listening to my gut and leaving the theater. My hands quickly dialed his number as the phone rang. _Pick up. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up_. I almost prayed as it rang for the fourth time and it was his voice mail. 

"It's Louis leave a message." 

_Bullocks!_ There was a beep and I thought that I was going to vomit in the cab. 

"Louis it's Harry can you please just answer me, Rowan, Niall or Julia. We are worried and we just want to make sure that you are okay. Okay." I hung up the phone as time seemed to be at a stand still. When I finally got back to campus I paid the drive and got out. Running my heart ached as my lungs felt as if they were going to burst. The cool fall air hurt, I was never a runner but I would die before I stopped. Niall was in the dorm as Rowan and Julia were out driving to places he might be. I stopped leaning over to catch my breath as I turned my head and saw the soccer field. 

_I'm coming Louis_. I told myself as I turned and ran there. I don't know why I needed to look there but something was telling me to. Maybe it was the universe or Louis somehow telling me to. My toes hurt as they hit the tip of my boots. I felt that I was running and the pavement kept getting longer and longer. I ran and pulled on every door, each of them locked. This had to be it. Had to be. As I came to the last door I pulled expecting it to be locked that I almost fell back. Controlling my breathing I walked in, I had ever been in here so I looked up and down the hallway until I found the locker rooms. Turning to the left I ran to the men's. I prayed to whoever was listening that the door would be open. My hand shook as I grabbed the handle and pulled open the door. I didn't hear anything. "Louis." I called out and waited as I heard something. It was hard to make out what it was. I waked past the lockers and mirrors as I came to the showers. There was one that was on. Pushing back the curtain Louis was there. 

He was in his boxers. His side was bruised and his entire body shook as the cold water hit him. His face was swollen and his mouth looked as if it was bleeding from it. His nose was broken and who knew what else. I walked into the shower and turned off the water as I knelt down and helped him sit up. He flinched and then he opened his eyes to see him.  
"I'm here," I told him as I slipped off my jacket and put it on his shivering body. My trousers were getting soaked with water but I didn't care. I held Louis close as I tried to warm up his body. I reached in my pocket and pulled out my mobile and called Niall. "Athletic locker room. Yes. Bring dry clothes." I said as I ended the call and slid my phone back into my pocket. "Lou who did this to you?" I asked as he held close to me. His teeth chattered as he spoke to me. 

"Don't... know...." He opened up his eye and looked up at me. "I'm... sorry." 

"It's okay." I said I was to relieved to be pissed at him for acting like a child. "Rowan is coming and we are going to bring you to the A&E." 

"They call them emergency rooms here." He corrected me as he laid his wet head on my shoulder. I knew I needed to get him up to get to the car but I wasn't going to be able to do that by myself. I listened as the door opened again and I waited to beat someone but it was just Niall. His eyes grew wide and I told him to just help me get him up on his feet.  
Niall helped him stand as I slipped on his track pants and t-shirt with some vans he had grabbed. I kept my jacket on Louis as Niall and I walked out of the locker room to the Honda that was running outside. 

Everything seemed a blur from then on. I knew we got Louis into the car, I had found some blankets and had wrapped them around his body as Rowan drove. She was yelling and crying about the people who did this to Louis but all I could do was hold his hand and bite the inside of my cheek so I wouldn't cry. When we got to the emergency room Niall got a wheelchair and we helped Louis in as we rolled him in. They were only going to let two people in so Niall and Julia waited as me and Rowan walked in with him. 

They hooked him up to machines to check his blood pressure, they started an IV and doctor after doctor came in and out looking at him. Louis was still out of it as they set his nose back in place (I had to close my ears I didn't want to hear the bones breaking). They then took him to get some X-Rays and when he came back they had cleaned up his face, stitched up the gash on his forehead. They told us they were going to move him to a room and Rowan and I walked silently next to bed as we left the emergency wing to the hospital. Once we got to his room they hooked him back up to the machines and told us a doctor would in. 

"Our friends Niall and Julia are still in the waiting room." 

"I will get them." The nurse said leaving the room. 

In a matter of moments a doctor came into the room with a smile on his face. I knew my face was anything but cheery. My entire body was drained and my eyes were heavy with stress. He explained to us they reset his nose and he had a slight concussion. He showed us the x-Rays of his ribs and he said it would take a while for them to heals but he would be fine. 

"They will heal so he can play footie in the spring?" I asked. I knew how much footie meant to him and I didn't want him to lose it. 

"Yes," The doctor told me. "His body temperature was lows and we have given him some strong pain medication to help with the nose. He will sleep and them tomorrow we will check everything again to see if he can go home." he explained to us. "I will need to ask what happened." 

"He wasn't answering his phone and then we found him," Rowan said her voice shaking. She knew as well as I knew who did this to him. She gave my knee a squeeze as if to tell me to stay silent. I didn't want to make assumptions but I knew without any facts of evidence. I knew that It was Stan or he had told some dick headed wankers to do this to Louis. "The police won't be involved will they?" 

"Not unless you want them to." 

"No." Rowan told the doctor. "We will take it up with the college dean though." 

Like hell we were. I was going to march into his office and demand that something be done. 

The doctor nodded and left as the nurse brought Niall and Julia up to his room. They had transferred him once they knew he would be staying the night. Niall sat down next to Rowan and gave her a kiss as she buried her head into his chest. I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder and looked up at Julia who smiled back down at me. "He will be okay." 

"What about the bills?" 

"Rowan's parents put him on their insurance plan a while ago since he was an athlete and he is like another son to them." explained Jula. Yet something else I didn't know about Louis how close he was to Rowan and her entire family. "He will be okay." 

He would be fine on the outside but the inside he was just going to dig himself deeper into the hole of hate of the world and seeing it as a place without love and forgiveness and kindness. We all stayed there for a while talking off and on before Rowan told Niall to go home and to take Julia. She planned to go back to school in the morning and speak to the dean and seeing what could be done. Until then we waited to see when Louis woke up. 

Time moved by slowly. Every hour a nurse would come in and check on how he was doing. Rowan had fallen asleep on the couch, I had gotten a blanket and draped it over her as I sat up next to Louis's bed. I didn't talk - he hated idle chit chat. I just watched as his chest moved up and down. His eyes seemed to move behind his closed eyelids and his hands would twitch on and off. 

It was 1:47am. I needed to email my professors and say that I would be out of class due to a personal issue and then I needed to email Louis's professors telling them the same things and get a note from the hospital. Should I contact his mum. His sisters? Hid dad if he had one. Pulling my legs up to my chest I wrapped my arms around them and placed my chin between my kneecaps and watched Louis. I wanted him to wake up. Say some smart arse comment and me laugh and know that he would be okay. I knew the nurse would be in soon to check on him again but now the only sound that filled the room was the beeping of the machines and the oxygen that was being pumped through his nose. My eyes watched as Louis's head turned and his eyes fluttered open. 

"Why do I feel like a truck just ran me over?" He asked his voice was hoarse as he spoke. "Water?" 

Standing up I grabbed the cup with a straw and handed it to him. I wanted to say something but all the words I wanted to say were bumping into each other as they tried to leave my mouth. I wanted to get them settled so I could say something to him, something so he knew that I wasn't mad and just so damn happy he was okay. 

"Hi." 

"Hi." I said as that word came out as my voice shook. "You - you umm have a broken nose which they set for you. A few strained ribs and five stitches on your head." I told him as he moved his hand up to his head. 

"That's why I feel like shit." 

"Yeah." 

Louis turned his head back at me and stretched out his hand. "I'm fine Harry." 

"Who did this to you?" 

"They had masks on and they didn't talk." Louis said closing up. I knew he knew but unless he wanted to tell someone there was no reason for me to get involved as much as I wanted to. "I will be fine I will get up and walk out of here tomorrow and go back to the dorm. Take it easy for a few days and then be fine." 

"Yeah. I should get a nurse." I said walking over to the door. 

"I'm sorry." He said his voice was low. 

"I know." I said as I left and grabbed a nurse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay another promo for my friends and the band **Young Rising Sons** the song that Harry sings in the shower is there. It's called "King of the World" and it's off their EP which you can get on iTunes and various other outlets. 
> 
> They four guys are truly amazing and have been through hell to get where they are. If you have taste in good music then you will enjoy them. You can check out their music on youtube or their web page. But seriously their music is amazing and their full album should drop this summer (fingers crossed they pushed back to release day once lets hope they don't again). They have been on tour with _The 1975, Halsey, The Kongos_ and now they are on tour with _The Kooks_ so if you enjoy any of those artists then you will enjoy SONS (: 
> 
> Okay enough promo. If you are reading this thank you so much for reading th story and chapter (: Please leave comments or kudos 
> 
> XO V


	7. risk [l.t]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The best thing you could possibly do with your life is tackle the motherfucking shit out of love || Cheryl Strayed_

The fresh air felt good in my lungs. I had been cooped up in the dorm for 14 days. I felt like a prisoner those two weeks but with slightly better food and tea. I either had Harry babysitting me or I had Rowan. sometimes Niall would show up and even Julia did once. It's not that I wasn't grateful but I wasn't a child- I was fine after a few days but they wouldn't listen. None of them would listen to me which irked me even more.

But today I was with Rowan helping her with her film. I had been picked up by her around 7 and we took off driving in the city. She had brought me coffee and a breakfast as a thank you. That made this early morning adventure less hellish. I grimaced a bit as Rowan had tried to make the coffee how I liked it, but no one could make coffee, or tea like Harry. 

"Have you thanked Harry?" Rowan asked as she pulled into a creepy worn down building. I swear she watched a few to many mob films, and I knew she had the ability to kill me and not get caught if she truly wanted to. "And if you say no I might leave you here." She said arching her brow and looking at me as she put her car into park and popped the boot of the car open. 

Why do people think I have no social graces? Why wouldn't I thank a man who stayed up at night as I cried out in pain until I could take more pain medication. The person who helped me with my homework, made me food and tea without me asking. No I was a complete ass whole and snubbed him. "Do you want me to send him flowers or something?" I asked getting out of the car and helping her get her camera and bags. "I thank him- everyday." I reminded her as she cocked her head at me. "I'm serious I have thanked him Rowan." 

"Good." She said as she slung the bag over her shoulder and locked her car. I shut the boot and followed her into the building. "He cares about you." 

"I know."

I saw her shoulders hang as she stopped and turned around and her brown eyes looked at me as if I didn't understand what she meant. "More than a 'cheers you're my mate' care Louis and for some odd feeling I think deep down in that soul of yours you do to." She told me as we walked into a room where there was rubble on the floor and the windows were broken but the light shown in. In true Chicago fashion the building was all shades of blue. Half decrepit but still beautiful. The place used to be apartments but it was a shell of what it used to be. Oddly enough the apartment reminded me of me. Rowan began to set up her tripod and camera as I walked around. I wasn't sure what she meant. Yes I cared about Harry. He was, well he was Harry. I didn't want him hurting or upset. But it was a different feeling than I with Rowan. She was a sister feeling he was... Different type of feeling.

"You know it's okay." Rowan said as she motioned for me to sit by the window. "To feel. It's not going to make you lesser of a man." 

I rolled my eyes at her comment. 

"I know you think that you have this mysterious vibe and you play off this asexual human but I know you love. I see it and when you realize it you tend to snap back to your robotic self." She told me as she looked up from her camera. "Why don't you want to feel?"

"Can we just shoot this?" I snapped at her. This was a topic I liked to talk about and not here. Not now. I didn't want to get short. She had a point. I didn't want feeling so I did all that I could to make sure I didn't feel. I was safe from hurt and sorrow. But Harry kept messing with my head and when I tried to stop I would see his face and my walls fell. I sat there and looked at my feet, I didn't want to but if I didn't turn off the feelings then I would end up like my mother and that was something I promised myself I would never let myself go through. I stayed there as I knew Rowan was filming me. She wanted me to just sit there so I did. Maybe I was over thinking things with Harry. Maybe I was over thinking things with myself and it wasn't this complicated. 

"Look at the camera." Rowan said as I lifted my head and looked at her. I gave a smirk at the camera. Rowan looked up from the screen, her face was confused as if it had something on my face and didn't know about it. She held the camera on my face as I furrowed my brow at her. 

"What?" I asked her. 

"Why won't you love him." She asked me. "I don't want this bull shit about love being lies Louis. I've - you are so happy when you are with him and I don't want you to think that because you are happy that means you have to run." 

"I'm not." I hissed at her standing up. 

"You are! And until you tell me and him why you 'can't' love then you are just as bad as the men who hurt your mother." She said following me. She wasn't going to give this up, her feet kicked away the debris on the ground her boots clicking on the concrete. 

I stopped and spun around I knew that the words that were going to come out of my mouth were vile and meant to hurt. My jaw was clenched as Rowan set her camera back on the tripod and stood there her hands on her hips. She wasn't afraid of me or my words. She had known me long enough that I used that as a defense but she wasn't running. "I can't." 

"Why?" 

"Why do you fucking care!" I yelled as I turned around and kicked a wall. "Why does everyone fucking care if I'm this person who cares? Why!?" I yelled as I placed my hands on the side of my head and looked at her. "Why?" I whispered.

Rowan shook her head at me. "Why do you not want to feel? Is it that bad? Is it worse to feel nothing then the this euphoric feeling of love even if it does end? Is it bad that you for one time in your fucking life Louis Tomlinson that you are vulnerable and your emotions are placed in the hands of someone else? That you don't control your life and that maybe the universe is trying to tell you something?" She yelled at me as she walked over to me. "Or are you just like the rest of them. Void of true emotion. You just put on this mask of empathy for people when you don't care." 

I shook my head as my hands began to twitch. I shoved them into my pocket and pulled out my smokes. 

"Defense mechanism 101 Louis smokes." Rowan hissed at me. 

I had never seen her like this and I wasn't sure if this was a talk from love or anger. Both emotions were present in her voice. I lit the end and took a drag. But unlike most times my head didn't stop thinking. All I could see was Harry's face, the way he smiled at me when I told a joke or the way he would furrow his brow when I made a smart arse comment about life. The way he would make me tea and then clean it up, even when I didn't touch it. He always said goodnight to me ever if I was sitting up at my desk or playing the XBOX. 

"What is it Louis because I don't understand what is going on in your head." 

"I can't." 

"Why." She said. She was done asking and had moved to demanding.

I didn't want to do this. I took another drag of my smoke and let out a cry. Bending over I yelled from the top of my lung, my eyes closed as I stopped the tears from falling. 

_Are you a man or a boy!_ I heard my father's voice in my head as the world seemed to be spinning out of control. _Stop acting like a fucking pansy ass and be a man!_

I opened my eyes, turning my head to Rowan I felt a few tears sting my eyes as they fall. I didn't cry. I stopped crying when I was 13. The day I turned off my emotions and became this person. "I don't have the luxury of being able to express feelings like you." I hissed at her as I dropped the cigarette on the ground and put it out with the heel of my shoe. "You think I chose to be this shell of a human?" I asked her taking the back of my hand and wiping the snot from my nose. "I fucking hate this!" The tears fell down my face. "I fucking hate fighting and thinking that I can feel... That I have to push people away and then when I do slip up I have to correct myself by walking away. Do you think I chose this?!" 

Rowan was frozen in her steps. 

Standing up I put my hands on my hips and took a deep breath in. My heart was racing so fast I figured this is what it felt like before you die. My eye were a blur from the tears. 

_You can't hide from his Louis. I will teach you to be a man- and your mother will pay until you learn and if that's not enough I'll move to your sisters_. His voice was imprinted in my brain. I wanted him out. Out. OUT! 

"Louis..." Rowan said her voice was fully of pity and sorrow for my life that I had left in Doncaster.  
"You stop feeling when your dad beats the living shit out of your mum because he thinks you're gay. When that's not enough he attempts to sexually assault his own daughter," my voice trembled. "Then you shut down and realized it was better to be numb. Your father stops beating your mum, your sisters are safe and you feel nothing." 

Rowan's hand shook as she covered her mouth and I saw the tears falling from her eyes. I had never told her that- I kept that story buried so deep that at night it would eat me away inside. I felt lighter- a laugh escaped my lips as I looked up at the ceiling. The paint was peeling and part of it was falling down. For the first time in ten years I felt... happy. 

Was this happiness. 

"Don't give me pity I have done that for myself for long enough." I explained to Rowan. "Let's um. Finish this." 

She stood there clearing her throat she nodded and smiled at me. She gave me a few directions and even told me to light another smoke it. I gladly did, my mind was racing as my hands shook. Rowan shot different angle, took a few still shots and then grabbed her camera and made her way to the second floor where the hole was. She laid on on her stomach and hung her hands down and took a few stills before switching out her camera and filming as I smoked my third cigarette of the day. At this rate I was going to die of lung cancer before I reached 30.

"I'm sorry." My words cutting the silence that filled the room between our bodies. I don't know why but I was. 

"What?" Rowan asked as I looked up at her. 

"I shouldn't have burdened you with that."

She paused for a moment. I knew she was collecting her thoughts before she spoke. I saw her eyes going back and forth as she rearranged the sentences in her head. "I'm glad you told me." I heard a few more clicks before she disappeared. Her boots clicked as she walked down the steps and walked back over to me. "I should have what I need." She explained packing up her equipment. I helped her clean up and we carried the bags and cameras. Filling the boot I slid into the passengers seat as Rowan got into her car.

We settled into the silence in the car. I knew that Rowan wasn't sure what to say. I could tell that she was sorry, she was mad and she wanted me to move past this but she also knew that I couldn't at the same time. I was glad she didn't fling around useless words or phrases a pep talk that would lay void once we left the car and we would walk away and neither of us remembering what he said. My eyes watched as we left the abandoned building and we drove out of the city. Rowan's hands fumbled with the radio as she got to her iPod that was hooked up to her car. The music filled the silence and my chest began to relax. Tapping my fingers to the music as we got onto 55 and made our way towards Downers Grove. "More filming?" I asked. 

"Kinda." She said. 

I turned and glanced at Rowan. I had no idea what she was up to but I was going to let her do it. Grabbing the last of my smokes from my pocket I unrolled her car window and let the end. Keeping the smoke outside so not to smell up her car, I took a drag and let my body loose itself to the music. I watched as traveled and we passed semis, cars, vans and even a bus full of school children. I didn't mention to Rowan she was speeding since my track record with American police and tickets aren't the best. We took the turn off of 55 and headed to Downers Grove. "Rowan." I flicked the smoke out the window.

"I'm not taking you to see my father." She told me as we pulled into the downtown area. Finding a spot to park she turned off her car and turned towards me. "Ice cream." 

Opening her car door she got out. Puzzled I got out and quickly followed her, she locked her car and headed into the small shop. Smiling at the owner she picked out a waffle cone with toffee and chocolate ice cream. I got a small cup with vanilla ice cream and sprinkles. Rowan paid and we went for a walk down the small town streets. 

"Can't you love now?" She asked me as she took a lick. "Your mum remarried and you are free of that... That monster."

"Rowan." I said sticking the spoon in my mouth as we walked. I didn't want to go down this road.  
"No we are done with bull shit games Louis. You told me and now we talk." 

I shrugged. "I. I." The words wouldn't come out. She was right, I was free. I didn't have to fear him, I didn't have to listen to those voices. I stopped walking as my eyes fell to my shoes that has dust from the crumbling apartment building I had been in. "How?" I asked. I honestly didn't know.  
We walked for a bit. I saw Rowan love Niall and it looked nice. I noticed the way he looked at her when she wasn't watching. The small things that Rowan appreciated. I knew that Rowan would go to hell and back for him, she would give up anything to allow him to achieve his goals in life. Both of them loved selflessly towards each other. Gave up little things that didn't seem like much but was. Rowan loved me, caring for me and making sure I was safe. I cared about people but I never went past caring. That led to hurt. Although Harry was worth it all. I knew he was. 

We came to a park where a few kids were playing when we took a seat on a bench. I ate my ice cream as it melted a bit in the cup the sprinkles floating in the liquid. Maybe she had nothing to tell me. Rowan sat there and took a bite from her cone before she spoke. 

"The thing that scares you the most to do." 

"That's it?" I asked. Was this some cheep pop physiology lesson because it was shit. 

Rowan shook her head. "If you can face the thing that scares you the most then the words your father engraved in your head will go away. If you do what scares the shit out of you and nothing bad happens then he was wrong. He holds no power over you." Rowan said as she looked out into the field. Taking a deep breath in she placed a hand in my knee and smiled at me. "I know whatever you do, or say he will feel the same and reciprocate those actions." 

"Looks like growing up with a father who was a shrink paid off." I laughed as Rowan nudged me as I rolled my eyes at her. We stayed at the bench and ate our ice cream in silence as we enjoyed the fall air. 

For once I was going to take her advice. 

***

I had made up my mind as I left her car and headed up to my dorm. I was going to do it. Face my biggest fear. _Don't fuck it up Tomlinson._ I said as I headed into the dorm room. I heard Harry in the common room. "How did filming go?" He asked standing up and set his laptop down on the coffee table. "Your side okay? Do you need some pain medication?"

"Filming was eye opening." I told him as I shrugged off my jacket and tossed it on the chair. "I don't have pain." 

Harry walked over to me looking at me confused. "You okay Lou?" He asked. "You seem... Odd."  
Do what scares you.

I took a deep breath in and left my fears take over, I let go of control and for the first time let my emotions guide my thinking. "I was told when I was 13 that I needed to be a man. So I turned off my feelings. Today I was told to do the thing that scared me the most and see what happens."  
Harry cocked his head as he pushed his hair behind his ears. "Louis, you are scaring me what is wrong." 

"Nothing." I said as I took a deep breath and pressed my lips against his.


	8. dragons [h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You will love who you love if you really love them. Nothing can stop that. Not death, distance, judgement, or deceit. You will love who you love || Steve Maraboli_

My body couldn't move. I was paralyzed by shock and by Louis. My breath hitches as my mind started spinning as I looked back at Louis. I watched his eyes look into me, his lips shook a bit as he took a deep breath in. My hand shook as I touched my lips with the tip of my finger tips. My lips tasted of too many cigarettes, ice cream, and a breath mint he had gotten from Rowan no doubt. I had wanted to know what he tasted like and I finally did. 

Swallowing I smiled at Louis as he chuckled a bit. "Okay?" 

"God yes." The words escaped my lips as my hands pulled on Louis's shirt. I pressed his body against mine. My hands ran up and down his chest as our mouths collided. His lips were dry but felt as if they belonged on mine. I wrapped my arms around Louis neck and twirled my fingers in his hair by his neck. 

I felt Louis's hand on my waist, he was like a baby deer not sure what to do with his hands, hell even his mouth. My arms staying around his neck I began to walk backwards to the couch. Louis followed my steps as we didn't stop to catch our breath. The back of my leg hit the couch as I dropped my arms from around his neck I guided Louis down in the couch. Sitting down I stood between his legs, my hand braces on the armrest of the couch as I kissed Louis's neck. Kissing ever vein I saw and moving up to his jaw. Louis moved his body so he was laying down on the couch. I had one foot on the ground and my knee between his legs. My hands fell to his hips as his shirt rode up and I could feel his bare skin. 

My mouth kissed his neck, giving small love bites as I heard him try to suppress a moan. I needed to thank Rowan for making him shave for the video. Taking a deep breath in he smelled of smoke, mothballs, Rowan's Chanel Number 5 perfume and coffee. I could stay all day kissing him. Feeling his hands on me and ignoring the world around us.  
"Louis." His name escaped my lips as I came up for air. 

_What was I doing_? I looked down at Louis and a wave of horror swept over me faster than a wave on an ocean shoreline. I looked at this man and I felt wrong. Pushing myself up off the couch I began to pace. What did I do. I had let my guard down and I had. No Harry. No. I told myself as I heard Louis clear his throat. "Fuck. Fuck. Fuck." I hissed to myself as I pressed the palm of my hands on my eyes. Stopping I held the bridge of my nose as I collected my thoughts. "I'm sorry about all of that." I said motioning to Louis on the couch. 

Jesus I hope I didn't give him any hickey's. 

Louis shook his head as he pulled his shirt down and pushed the hair out of his eyes. I looked as he looked crushed. 

_Fucking hell_! I yelled at myself pressing my lips together. 

"Was I wrong? Oh shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit." He said his eyes widening as I watched Louis retreat. The white flag waving and his beautiful soul tried to find where it came out of hiding. I saw his eyes move around the flat as he thought of a way out. Just get up and leave like he always did. 

I shook my head at him. I was the one who was in the wrong and it hurt me to be. Sitting down next to Louis I placed my hands on the side of his face and pressed my forehead against his. "Lou." I told him quietly as I closed my eyes. "Don't go back into hiding. It's... it's okay. Just breath through the panic and it will be gone soon." I told him as I opened up my eyes and he had his shut tight. "Lou look at me please." He shook his head slightly. "Louis William Tomlinson open up your eyes." 

He did. His blue eyes were glazed over with tears as he looked at me, scared and worried I was going to run. 

"Don't be sorry for what you did." I told him my voice was calm as I spoke to him my eyes looking into his. "Hell," I laughed. "I'm glad you did." 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." I chuckled.

"You said 'fuck' I've never heard you curse." Louis said to me his voice was hoarse as if he had been screaming for three days straight. 

"I was caught off guard." I stuttered as he arched a brow and I wanted kiss the smirk off his face. "What. What brought on this suddenly surge of emotion?" I asked him not sure if I wanted to know the answer. He looked different. Before his eyes looked liked the eyes of an elder man, heavy with secrets and scars. Now, they looked bright as if they belonged to a child who didn't know a day of death, sorrow or pain in their life. But when he spoke it was the words of Louis. My Louis. 

"It's hard to explain when they began but it was this feeling in the pit of my stomach that was different when I saw you." Louis explained as he kept his eyes on me. "I was. I had masted how to push emotions away but this one kept clawing at my heart. It wasn't until Rowan- I have never felt this way for another human Harry. I... I don't know what these feeling are and I'm trying to sort them out and when I think that I do morer come and I don't know how to handle them." Louis's words came out precise holding the weight of the world on them. 

"It's hard." He said his voice shaking a bit. "I want to be like Rowan, Niall, you and Julia who can speak feelings and they come out how they should. Mine come out like alphabet soup and they hurt people." 

"What are you feeling right now?" I asked him. "What is going on in your head and in here." I removed one hand and paced it on his heart. "Don't think just speak."  
Louis took a deep breath in as he closed his eyes. "Scared like a bear is chasing me and I can see him but he can't get to me. That if I tried to jump off a building I might fly. I feel... light that there isn't a weight. My father's voice is gone from my head. I'm free of judgement and I'm okay." His eyes fluttered opened and looked at me. "I'm still breathing. I'm okay." 

"Good." I smiled as I kissed the tip of his nose. "Breathing is good." I let go of his head and sat back. Both our bodies relaxed and settled back into the silence. I felt my heart in my throat. I wanted to know more.I wanted to make sure that what I did was - okay. I didn't go too far. 

"I'm not the best with this." Louis told me. "I understand how it's done and why I just never thought I would need to." 

I turned and looked at him as I placed my hand on his knee and he placed his on top of mine. "I think that you just need to be Louis." I assured him. "The cocky smart ass son of a bitch Louis from Doncaster." I laughed as he narrowed his eyes at me. 

"I'm not cocky." He clarified crossing his arms over over his chest as if he was going to have a little fit. 

"I see you aren't denying the smart ass?" I laughed as Louis furrowed his brow and I sat down next to Louis. "Hungry?" 

Louis nodded his head. 

"Pizza? We have some beer we can watch telly all night and just talk." I suggested to him. "But I'm not going to let you close that door again, do you hear me Lou?" I said to him. I wasn't and even if it hurt him we were going to figure it out. 

Louis nodded. 

"Our regular order?" 

Louis nodded again as he got up. I knew he was going to change to his normal attire. I grabbed my mobile and called Giordano's pizza and placed the normal order Louis and I got. Deciding to have it delivered I would just pay the extra money. Hanging up the phone I stood by the fridge and thought about what had just transpired with Louis. Part of me was worried that I might have gone to far. I heard my mind telling me to stop but I didn't. I wanted to keep on going. I could kiss Louis forever. Give him love bites so people knew that he was spoken for. I wanted my mouth to have the hint of cigarette smoke, tea and or coffee. I wanted to smell of him engraved into my body and clothes. I wanted to trace my fingers over each tattoo that was on his body. I just didn't want to get ahead of myself and push him away, he was so fragile and for once he was being vulnerable I didn't want him to think I was taking advantage of that. 

_Okay Harry just see what happens. Just take it one second at a time with Louis and let him open up to you_. I told myself clearing my throat as Louis walked out of the bedroom. He came out with his black soccer pants, his grey Doncaster Rovers hoodie and socks. He had taken out his contacts and slipped his glasses on and pushed his hair back to his regular sweep across his forehead. 

"So Rowan took me to this abandoned flat complex and I thought she was going to kill me like Capone would kill the men who wanted to leave or spoke to much." He told me pushing his hoodie sleeves up on his arm. 

"Why?" I asked Louis as I walked back over and took a seat on the couch. Louis walked over and sat down on the couch. Laying down he set his head in my lap and rolled over onto his back as he looked up at me. "Are we a cat now?" I asked him. "Do you want me to rub your belly?" 

"That would be a dog Hazza. Know your animals." He explained as he tapped my nose. "Rowan's grandfather worked for Al Capone back in the day. Maybe she wanted to knock me off for being a dick." 

"Her what?" I asked Harry looked down at him. He spoke about her grandfather as if he was telling me the sky was blue. 

"Grandfather. Listen Harry." 

I slapped his knee. "Well if you have decided to become an animagus then don't transform into your animal of choice while in the dorm. There is a strict no pet policy." I laughed as Louis stuck his tongue out at me. I laughed at him as I laced my fingers with his and looked at his hand and arm that was covered in tattoos. "I won't tell anyone." I promised him.

"Won't tell them what?" 

I smiled at Louis as I pushed his hair it of his eyes. "I know it was Stan that beat the shit out of you. Gave you this." My finger traced the scar on the top of his head. "I won't allow them to do that to you again. Before you can argue I'm not fighting your battle- I'm fighting mine which includes keeping you safe." 

"Harry." 

I shook his head, "I was thinking. I know that this is new to you and you are worried that this is just a passing phase in your life. Why don't we give this a test run and if it doesn't work out we can go back to normal." 

"Just like that?" 

I nodded. Just like that. 

"But what if they aren't?" 

"I'm not going to leave." I told Louis truthfully. I wasn't, I didn't want to. There was something about him that drew me into him like moth to a flame. The probability of me being the one who leaves this wrecked and mangled is much higher than Louis. I also knew as I sat there, that there was the small probability we don't end up wrecked. We end up happy and forever. "It is your call Lou."

Louis pushed his lips together as he laid there, his head moved to look at the blank telly screen. I knew he usually left a difficult conversation by getting up and walking away, changing the topic or putting the telly on. I waited. He just stared at the blank screen his mind was someplace else. My hands hovered as I debated to rub his back, maybe he would relax and talk to me. Was that to forward? Would he freak with human touch? At this moment I didn't care. Taking my right hand I began to run Louis's back starting between his shoulder blades. His body was tense at first but when he realized I was going to hurt him he relaxed. 

"Do people usually feel this weird warm sensation inside there stomach when they kiss?" He asked me as I kept rubbing his back. "Like there are thousands of dragons trying to escape?" 

I chuckled. "Sometimes."

"Is that bad?" 

"No, that's good." I told him. "I had the same feeling." 

Louis rolled over onto his back and looked up at me almost relieved I had told him that. "You had the same feeling?!" He asked relieved that he wasn't the only one who had dragons in his stomach.

I nodded. 

"Okay. So warm dragon feeling is good." He said as he poked my face. 

"Oi!" 

"Your face is soft." He said as I swatted his hand away. "Rude?"

"Your face would be soft if you saved and washed it." I pointed out to him as my phone buzzed with a text that the pizza was here. Louis sat up allowing me to get up from the couch. I grabbed my billfold and went down to pay for the pizza. My heart was doing back flips as I paid for the pizza and headed back into the dorm. 

I felt as if some cheesy soundtrack to a b rated teen movie was playing as I walked back to the dorm. I was getting ahead of myself, I wasn't even sure if Louis wanted what I craved. What I deep down wanted but would never make a move unless he said the word to. Pushing the door open I shut and clocked it. Walking in I stopped as Louis had set the coffee table with plates, napkins and beer. 

This was a first. I thought smiling as Louis looked a bit tense. "This okay?"

"It's fantastic." I told him. It was. 

***

We finished off the pizza, there were a few half drunk beer bottles in the coffee table as the record player spun and music filled the dorm. Louis was back in his cat like position on the couch. His head in my lap as my feet rested on the coffee table. My fingers traced up and down his arm as he had pulled up his sweatshirt sleeve. 

"When did you get your first tattoo?" I asked him as the music played faintly in the distance from my record player. We were both a bit buzzed and in our own world. 

"17." He told me. "You?" 

"Same. I got pissed and went out with some mates." I told him. "Why else would I get a butterfly tattooed on my chest?"

"A dare?" He asked me as I poked his side and he flinched and laughed. "Stop it Harold!!" He cried out and I couldn't help but poke him some more as he wiggled on the couch.  
"Harry." His words were broken as he laughed before I stopped. He poked me and I didn't flinch. Huffing he gave up the battle. 

"What was your first one you got?" I asked him. 

"78 on my chest. It was the house number for my grandparents." He told me softly. "They were the only thing about my father I got the best grandma and grandpa." 

I laced my fingers with Louis as he placed his hand on his chest. I was starting to see a window into Louis's life. His mind was cluttered with fear and anxiety. He was getting there as he would look at me now when he spoke and when he got stuck he didn't walk away. He would wait it out and then speak when he got his words in order. 

"So I've been thinking." Louis said as his voice shook a little bit. "I want to try."

"Try what?" 

He furrowed his brow. 

"You need to say it Louis. Or it's not happening." 

"I like the warm feeling of dragons in my stomach." He explained to me. "I like the way my pulse raced and my hands shook and how my brain just stopped and the world stopped and I felt... Happy." He said smiling up at me. 

Taking my left hand I traced Louis's jaw line as he kept his face looking up at me. "We will do this on your terms Louis. We give it 30 days as a trial period and if- if the dragons go away we go back to friends." 

Louis's lips twitched as he thought about my proposition. "I don't want you to think I'm hiding."

"I know darling." I assured him. 

"Christmas break." He told me. "We decide then... if we go public or not." 

"Okay." I told him. That gave us two and a half months of us together. Untouched by the world and safe. "But we do things your speed." 

"You said that." Louis reminded me rolling his eyes. 

"I want your thick head to understand." I said to him cocking my head. "You need to tell me when I'm moving too fast. Or if I'm going to far. You just need to tell me."  
Louis nodded. 

"I mean it. Louis. When you are in a relationship you need to communicate. No matter how ugly or hard it is. Talk to me. Be open and don't let the fear of me getting upset stop you. Yes, I might get upset with your smoking and horrible sleep and hygienic routine but you need to talk. As little or as many words. Talk to me." 

Louis nodded. 

"Say it." 

"I promise to talk to you." Louis said. 

"Thank you darling." I said as I bent down as kissed him gently on his lips. My hair hung around his face as his hand cupped mine. "Still dragons?" 

Louis bit his bottom lip and nodded. 

"Good."


	9. deal  [l.t & h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _..and there's no guarantee, that this will be easy. It's not a miracle ya need, believe me. Yeah, I'm no angel, I'm just me, but I will love you endlessly. Wings aren't what you need, you need me || Endlessly (The Cab)_

**[l.t]**

The rain hit the window of the dorm with force. I heard the wind blow as it shook the trees which hit the window. I knew without looking out the window the sky was grey and the city would look almost black and white. Wanting to hide for a bit longer I faintly heard Harry in the common room. His voice was singing, "the ink may stain my skin, and my jeans may all be ripped. I'm not perfect, but I swear, I'm perfect for you." I moaned and buried my face into my pillow and pulled my duvet over my head to block out the light and the looming fact my phone was going to ring soon. 

I curled up in a ball as I focused in on Harry's voice. He should get to get together with Niall and have karaoke night. "..and there's no guarantee, that this will be easy. It's not a miracle ya need, believe me. Yeah, I'm no angel, I'm just me, but I will love you endlessly." His voice grew closer as I heard his boots make that clicking sound. I pulled the covers tighter around my body thinking he would go and let me sleep. "Time to get up you have class at nine and lord help me if Rowan gets on my arse about you missing class now that you can go." He said I felt his fingers pull down my duvet as he leaned over and kissed the back of my neck. "I brought you some breakfast to eat as we walk in the rain." 

"More reason to stay inside." I mumbled rolling over and looking at him over the top of my duvet. 

"Up." He laughed running his hands through his hair as he still had his navy rain jacket on. "I didn't skip we got out early hence the pastries and me telling you to get up." He said poking me as I flinched and he kissed my nose. "Chop chop." 

Moaning I watched Harry leave as I leaned over the side of my bed and opened a few drawers. I grabbed my Journey shirt, skinny jeans a clean pair of pants and socks. Pushing up I fell back down onto my back I quickly (and lazily) changed in my bed. Pushing my jimjams in a pile by my pillow, I arched my back I pulled up my jeans and buttoned them before adjusting my shirt. 

"Are my high top converse out there?" I yelled to Harry. Before I went searching I would ask the man who seemed to be the keeper of my shoes. 

"In your duffle." He called out as I slipped on my socks. Pulling my duffle off the ground I rummaged through it and found them. I dropped the bag back on the floor before carefully getting down off the bed and making my way into the common area. "I can't do lunch I have a group meeting for a project and paper and then I have well work at the coffee shop till 6. I can pick up dinner." 

I waved my hand in the air. I would have Niall get whatever he had a taste for and come over for some Fifa. Sitting on the couch I pulled my shoes on and tied them up before grabbing my rain jacket and slipping my rucksack across my chest and pulling the hold up over my head. "How is the job?" 

"Better now. I'm still rubbish at making coffee." He said as we walked down the hall and I heard the rain pelting the building. "I can bring you back some? Or a pastry "

"Cookies there scones are shite." I told him as I pushed open the door and watched the rain fall. It smelt like home and I loved every second of it. Harry opened up his umbrella and we walked from the dorm to our classes, tearing a piece of my muffin Harry got me and shoved it into my mouth. "I swear if anyone asks why I've been ..." 

"You will say medical issues." Harry scrolled me. "No fighting. If you know who-"

"He isn't Voldemort you can say his name." I told Harry with a laugh as he slapped me. "I know I think you and Ro each had a conversation about that as did Niall. And Julia." I said remember when she brought over froyo. "I'm not an idiot don't worry." 

Harry said nothing but as his jaw clenched I knew he was. He had been dreading the day I went back to class in case Stan tried the same shite again. But no he and the lads worked out a buddy system where I never have to be walking alone. Even Niall offered to go on my runs stating he needed to keep in shape with all the food he eats. "Seriously Hazza. I'm okay." 

"I know." He said turning his head and forcing a smile up at me. "So chocolate chip cookies?" He said changing the topic. 

"Yeah as many as you can smuggle."

"I'm not stealing them!" Harry laughed as a girl ran past us and splashed water all over us. Harry held his tongue as I let mine slip. "Welcome back to the real world where people run and you get soaked by the puddle they splash in." 

"Bloody hell." I hissed shaking my leg but what was the use I was soaking wet. "You don't need to purchase them either." 

"Okay says the man who always purchases food." Harry laughed as we reached his building. "See you tonight." He said standing there in the rain under his umbrella. I wanted to kiss him, feel the dragons in my stomach and have him tell me I can make it through my classes. But we had rules to follow. I have Harry a thumbs up as he laughed and gave me one back before turning and heading up the steps to his class. Turning on my heels I walked the few feet to mine. 

"Tomlinson!" Calvin called out with a smile. "Glad your back man! How your feeling?" He was the one not ass wank on the footie team. He minded his own business and went to class, played footie and worked to provide for his daughter. 

"Better than shite like I had been." I told him as we walked into the building. "I still have to take it easy until the ribs are better." 

"I'm glad you're alright. We would have been shit this season without you." He said and I knew it was true. "Just don't tell Stan or he will have a melt down."

"How's Ruby?"

"Amazing she is giving me a run for my money but I love her." He said pulling out his mobile and showing me a picture of her. "She loves to dance." As he pressed play I watched his daughter and her finger curls bouncing on her head as she danced around to some punk pop band Julia and Rowan listened to. 

"Thankfully she didn't get your looks." I joked as I felt Rowan standing behind me. "Hey Ro." 

"Hey caveman." She laughed giving me a hug around my neck from behind. She kissed me on the neck. "Hey Calvin how is Ruby?" 

"She is a dancing machine." He laughed. "I would show the video but I gotta get to class." He said giving us a wave and heading down the steps to his class as Rowan and I headed up. 

"Where have you been all weekend?" She asked as we headed into the classroom. The professor was already in their and had the music of the 1960's playing as we took our seat. Due to the rain she was in jeans which I still found odd to see her in. We walked over to our table desk thing that we shared as we sat down. A few other students were sitting down as they talked to their friends of we were working on other homework for other classes. 

"I took your advice and did the thing I was most scared of." I told her as I hung my rain jacket on the back of my chair and looked over at Rowan whose eyes were wide and her mouth hung to the floor. 

"Tu as embrassé Harry?" She asked switching to French guessing no one would understand her. 

"Now?" I asked her as she turned around and looked at the freshman that was in our class. 

"Do you spreak French?" 

He smiled at her awkwardly and I rolled my eyes. Unable to form words he shook his head no. 

"See." She told me with a cocky smile. "T'a-t-il embrassé en retour? Have you kissed?" 

"Yes and kind of." I told her. We had snogged a lot this weekend. I had a few love bites to prove it, but thankfully Harry knew how to cover them up. "Nous ne sortons pas ensemble et nous ne sommes pas amis avec des avantages. Nous ... je vois ehat arrive." I explained as Rowan's face went from joy to confusion. 

"What the fuck does that mean Lou?" She hissed at me. 

"It means we take things slow on my terms." Switching over to French I explained "Il peut sortir si il veut." 

"What if that happens?" 

"If the dragons stop or something else happens before holiday we go back to friends." 

"C'est de la merde," she told me. 

I shook my head. "Son idée." 

"And you are okay with that?" 

"I don't know what I'm doing- I don't know if this is me just having a fascination and then I get bored or if it's real." 

"And you don't want either party to get hurt?"

"Exactly." 

"As long as you both discussed it with level heads." 

"I burned through my pack of smokes talking about it. So yes level head." I assured her as Professor Barnet stopped the music and got ready for his lecture. 

I didn't care if Harry went out on a date, I doubt that he would since well he hadn't so far since being here. But we agreed. We would kiss and I would explore my emotions and if Harry saw the need to get relief that wasn't via a computer screen and porn then I had to allow it. So far the dragons never left when Harry and I kissed they seem to have grown and I didn't mind. 

My mind would sometimes black out when we were snogging and I just went with it. Never thinking about what could happen or go wrong it was just Harry and I. It was nice to turn off my brain and feel something that was forced with him. 

"Lunch?" Rowan whispered to me as class was about to end. 

"Yeah." I told her. 

"Make sure you are reading and the paper is due next Friday!" He called out as everyone packed up and filed out of the classroom. Slipping my rain jacket back on Rowan and I made our way to get food and meet up with Julia and Niall. 

"Don't tell them." I said to her as we walked. 

"Not my place to tell." She said linking her arm with mine. "Now tell me about these dragons."

***

**[h.s]**

French was boring me. Maybe since I was in a classroom and not laying on a couch with Louis's body wrapped with mine snogging. We had spent all weekend huddled up in our dorm drinking too much tea, eating rubbish take away and laying on the couch. Talking about our childhoods, our fears, dreams, he told me about when he got hurt playing footie when he was ten and I told him when my sister punched me and my two front teeth fell out. I felt this warmness over me when I was with him. I was safe but on this wild roller coaster at the same time with Louis. I pushed him to talk and use words that came to his mind and not rely on walking away or a shrug. I watched his eyes light up as he spoke about footie and his sisters and how much he loved about them. 

There was a window into his life and I was going to keep that in my soul forever. I saw him laugh over stupid jokes, his smile that was that of a child's and I wished that he would never stop smiling. I wanted to do everything thing that I could to keep him smiling. 

"Hey." Eli said as he waved his hand in front of me as I packed up my books. "Earth to Harry you okay?" 

"Yeah." I laughed grabbing my umbrella as we left the classroom. "Sorry a lot on my mind." 

"I get it. I wish you came to my party, it was a lot of fun." He explained to me as we walked together. I knew what he was getting at. I was the same awkward ball of nerves before I mustered up any courage to ask someone out. "How is Louis?" 

_Amazing_. I thought as I felt my lips smiling. "Better. He was getting cabin fever in the dorm and I feared one more day in there he would have gone all Johnny Torrance on me." I laughed as Eli looked at me like I was speaking Chinese. "The Shining. 'Here's Johnny?!' Nothing?"

"No sorry." 

"It's a classic film you should watch it." I said as we left the building and headed to meet our group for our paper we were writing. "Thanks for asking." 

"Most of those soccer players are homophobic ass wholes but Louis and that guy Calvin, they have always been nice." Eli told me. I was trying to figure if he was talking Louis up so I would agree when he asked me out or if he meant the words he spoke about Louis and Calvin. 

"Yeah Louis doesn't really associate with the footie players unless has to." I explained as we got to the coffee shop and our group and gotten a table already. "Coffee?" 

"Yeah." Eli said as we set out bags down and got in line. "Doing anything fun on Thursday?"

I thought about it. Louis didn't have class and neither did I. That was the day we usually went out on adventures in Chicago or area around. He wanted to go to the field museum this week and show me the dinosaurs. "Nothing set in stone." I told him. 

"Want to get dinner?" He asked. I knew my body froze as he said that and while my heart was excited to be asked out but my mind was torn on the situation. "I mean..." 

I shook my head. "No it's not. I want to. I-" God I was starting to sound like an idiot. "What time?" I pushed away Louis's voice and face looking hurt as I agreed to go out on a date. It would do me some good. I had been going just a crazy stuck in the dorm for two weeks as Louis was. The reason things went so wrong with Kevin was we didn't have time apart. I didn't do things for myself and now this was my time to change. I could still cancel. And I didn't need to tell Louis right away either. I told myself as Eli's face lit up with joy and I wasn't sure what to feel. 

"7:30?" 

"Okay," I said with a smile as we walked up to the counter to order our coffee. 

***

**[l.t]**

The dorm had become my sanctuary from the world. I walked in and I could kiss Harry as much as I want. Play with his long hippie hair. Sit and watch him sleep as we watch a movie that he dragged his feet to watch since he was a worse film snob that Rowan. I would trace his butterfly tattoo on his chest and watch as his breath would hitch. I could kiss it over and over. Play connect the dots wit his four nipples or just lay there in his arms as he talks about his home and his mum and sister. It was simple and when I didn't want to be touched or cuddle Harry would sit on the couch and let me have my space. 

“When did you know?” I asked Harry as we laid in his bed. He was half sitting up with his back pressed against the wall and a pillow behind it. My head rested on his chest by his shoulder. I never realized how tall he was until we snogged standing up or were laying in his bed. “You said that you dated that girl.” 

“Amber. Amber Tully. She is going to Uni for law.” Harry explained to me as his fingers ran up and down my arm. “I took her out on a date and it was fun. But when we kissed it felt wrong. I have kissed boys and it was weird which is different. There was something that,” Harry stopped and looked down at me. “There was no dragons.” 

“Oh.” 

“I thought I was just nervous so I went on a few more dates and I hated kissing her. I actually dreaded it.” He laughed to me. “So I told her that it wasn't working out. I didn't tell any of my mates why I broke up with her. I was scared. It wasn't until that summer when I was at my dad’s and I met Bryan. He was nice and we hung out all summer and then one night he asked if I had ever kissed a boy. I was 13 so no I hadn't. He kissed me then and there and I felt dragons.” 

“Did you date him?” I asked wanting to know everything. I needed to fill the pieces of Harry's life before me. It wasn't because of jealousy it was curiosity. I wanted to know everything about Harry from the size trousers he wears to if he would ever love me like he loved Kevin

I felt Harry shake his head. “No I went back home after the summer ended and didn't contact Bryan again. I wasn't sure what I was. It was confusing so one night when I couldn't sleep I woke up my mum and told her. I thought she was going to cry but she gave me a big hug and said that I needed to love who I loved and that even if the world said no that I was wrong I wasn't. The world was wrong.” He explained to me. “I told my sister that day and she was happy for me that I could tell her. I didn't date it was weird for me since I was still trying to figure things out but I did like boys.” 

Laughing I took my index finger and traced his butterfly tattoo. 

“It wasn't until College I decided to date someone and it was good like I said.” 

“What happened?” 

“He fell in love with the idea of being in love with me. I was safe and he didn't have to worry about me cheating on him. He met Drake and well dropped me and the next they were attached at the hip and so in love. I knew that he gave me was false love but I have him my heart.” Harry told me truthfully. "Then I came here." 

"So you slept with him?" 

"Yes. Many times." 

I didn't know what to say to that. If Harry and I went further what if I was rubbish in the shack. What if I wasn't as good as Kevin and he left me because he would be able to get someone who had more experience and wasn't well me. I felt Harry's body move as he kissed me on the top of my head. 

"Don't think that." He said as if he could read my mind. I hated it but it felt good at the same time where I didn't need to say the words I was so worried about. "I know for some sex is just sex. They will take anyone to bed with them and they can part the next day. I... I can't do that Louis. I have been with one man and I loved him. Yes I have dated a few others before Kevin but never slept with them." 

I nodded as my fingers moved to the sparrow tattoos up by his collar bones. 

"Have you ever wanted to be with anyone?" He asked as my hands stopped. Maybe, there was a few times when I saw a girl and thought it would be interesting to experience what people were talking about when I was in my A levels. Hell, I even thought about lying just so I wouldn't get the weird looks from people as soon the entire school knew I was a virgin. But it helped that I played footie for the rumors lulled after a while and I was able to go on with my education. 

"I wanted to know what it was like." I admitted to him. "But that was it. I didn't want to experience it for love, or anything. Just to see why everyone was making a big deal about it." I watched as Harry's chest moved as he chuckled. I didn't mean for it to be funny and he knew that for he laced his fingers with mine and kissed the back of my hand. 

"Well I don't see anything wrong with waiting. You want to be with - you don't want to do it just to do it Louis even now." 

"So if Eli asked you for a quick shag you would say no?" 

"Of course I would say no," Harry said a bit offended that I asked him. "I would never sleep with someone if they walked up to me and said they just wanted a shag. Nor would I just have a shag with someone because I got pissed at a pub." 

"Good." I told him. 

"I do have self respect." He joked as I looked up at him. 

"Sure." 

Making a face I poked Harry in his side and he flinched as he began to tickle me and I laughed. My body contorting on his bed as he kept tickling me. Harry's deep giggle joined mine as he stopped, his hair hung around his face as he slid down and our heads were next to each other and he kissed me on the lips gently. "I do Louis Tomlinson but for some reason you are making me forget about that." 

I smirked at him as my eyes looked up at the ceiling of the dorm. I could hear the people above us. They were having some kind of party as they feet were moving fast and it sounded like a herd of wild elephants. "You filming your part for Rowan's film on Saturday?" 

"Yes, did she talk to you about it?" 

"Yes. She is taking you to a bloody garden when she took me to a place where I could have found a dead body." I laughed. "I told her she owed me for almost giving me tetanus."  
I felt Harry roll his eyes and tilted his head at me. "I"m sure that you wouldn't get tetanus and if Rowan wanted to kill you she would just use some old mob trick." He laughed. 

My mouth moved as I mocked Harry and what he just said to me. "It's fitting. I guess you can walk around with flowers in your hair." 

"I wouldn't mind that." He said. 

"You are such a hippie." 

"And you enjoy it." 

"I do." I agreed closing my eyes as I just laid there with Harry. 

***

 **[h.s]**  
I still hadn't spoken to Louis about my date. It was Wednesday and I had put it off long enough. Something in my stomach felt wrong about telling him - that he would go off the deep end and close up. I shook my head as I walked back to the dorm from my shift at work. I had to tell him. I had to be a man and tell him. Louis is the ones who set the rules and he couldn't be upset with me following them. 

It's just one date Harry. What the hell could happen in one date. You aren't in a bloody rom-com film in Hollywood. Nor in a silly teen novel. You will get a nice dinner and then come back. Hell maybe even get a nice dessert out of it as well. Louis will be fine. Just tell him that it's just dinner and that you will spend the day together like always. Nothing will change. 

Taking a deep breathe in I unlocked the door for the dorm and walked in Louis was sitting on the couch curled up playing fifa with Niall and who I assumed was Calvin. The dorm smelt of Chipotle, beer and cigarette smoke. Rolling my eyes I was going to give it to Louis for when the fire alarms go off and it's his fault I would kill him with my bare hands. Strangle him with my own two hands. 

"Balls!" Calvin yelled as the game ended and he stood up. "I do need to get going I want to put Ruby down." He said as he smiled and extended his hand towards me. "You must be Harry, it's nice to finally meet you." 

"Cheers." I said as he shook my hand and grabbed his bag.

"I shall see you weirdos later." He laughed nodding at me as he left the dorm. I set my book bag down at my desk before shrugging off my jacket and toeing off my shoes.  
"I better get back I still have to do my bloody paper." Niall said as he grabbed his empty beer can and tossed it. At least Niall picked up after himself. "You okay H?" 

I nodded but my palms were sweating and I thought I was going to vomit. I should just text Eli and tell him that I can't. I can't and I'm sorry but I'm just not interesting. But a part of me wanted to, I wanted to be treated to a nice dinner and I knew there was nothing wrong with that. Niall grabbed his bag and left the dorm as I stood there with Louis looking at me as if I was sick. 

"What is wrong?" 

"You know Eli?" 

"He is in your French class who invited you to that party." Louis told me dryly. 

I nodded as I cleared my throat as it was dry from fear.I looked Louis in his eyes he deserved that from me. "He asked me out on a date." 

"When?" 

"Tomorrow night." I informed him. 

"Are you going?" 

"Yes." 

There was silence. Louis blinked a few times before he nodded. "Okay." 

"I don't have to." 

"No. Go we aren't together and you can date." He told me as his words came out they were cold and I knew that he didn't mean them. I could tell he didn't want me to go on this date but I didn't know if he was against it because he had feeling for me. Or if he was being Louis and didn't want to lose me as a friend. 

"Okay," 

"Okay." He said turning off the telly I watched him clean up his beer bottle and plate from his dinner. Tossing them out in the bin he went to the bedroom and shut the door. I wasn't going to allow Louis's little pouting fit stop me. I wasn't going to feel bad for living my life. Or try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) I'm sorry this took so long. My computer went in to be fixed and it took a lot longer than they told me. RAWR! But huzzah update! I will try and post the chapters that I wrote while my computer was gone as much as I can but this weekend is crazy busy with seeing my friends in **_Young Rising Sons_** this weekend preform (: But I have chapters and I will post when I can 
> 
> 2) the song used in the chapter was by **_The Cab_** and my best friend Jacq told me to use it. I go to her when I need a song or name or random things for my fics!! 
> 
>  
> 
> Hope that you enjoy 
> 
> XO Vi


	10. jealous [l.t]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The best way to find out if you trust somebody is to trust them || Earnest Hemingway_

I had gotten up around 6:30 to go on a run. Niall had insisted on going with me and as much as I wanted to fight it I knew that I was fine. Harry was still sleeping when I slipped away in my track pants, t-shirt and trainers. I had grabbed my iPod and headphones slipping my key into my pocket as I headed over to Niall's dorm. He was waiting outside for me. He smiled as I slipped my headphones into my ears. I didn't want to talk. I wanted to run and then go and pick up more smokes and smoke them all and curse this whole fucking day. I took off on the pavement and Niall kept up with me. He didn't try to talk which I was grateful for. 

I had called upon Mother Nature and begged her to make today a shite day. To rain hell even a freak snowstorm and thwart Harry's date. But no, fucking Mother Nature made it a perfect autumn day where the sun was out it was 75 and not windy. As we ran the sky was change into the colors of pinks and purples and oranges. I hated it all. My bitterness and angers was consuming me. It was hard to look at Harry without thinking he was going to end up hurting me. Those stupid rules, I shouldn't care. I really didn't. But the more I told myself that I didn't care the more I realized that I might and it scared me. When I cared about people like this they would get hurt and I would have to stop so they didn't. I didn't want to stop caring about Louis.

As my feet hit the pavement and the music screamed in my ears I tried to move past his date. Maybe it wasn't the date that bother me but it was that it was with Eli. He was perfect for Harry. Dressed nice, had money and liked to have sex. I didn't know if I ever wanted to sleep with another human. He was well educated, came from a decent family (minus his wanker of a brother) and would be as successful as his father and make a lot of money. Harry couldn't really do any better. But it didn't fit either Harry was a free spirit and he loved odd things that Eli would stick his nose up at. He danced around in a flower crown to _Florence + The Machine_ this weekend doing interpretive dances as I laughed so hard I cried on the couch. I didn't want him hurt. But I myself could hurt him down the road and that terrified me down to my core. 

We had agreed on the rules of our relationship and I had to live with those rules. As we ran my heart ached. The cool fall air hurt my lungs and I stopped leaning over I placed my hands on my knees as I gagged and turned over to the grass as the contents of my stomach came up. Niall stopped as I pulled the headphones out of my ears. "Fuck." I hissed closing my eyes and praying this would pass.

"Breath Lou." He told me. I hadn't told him about me and Harry. I wanted it to be mine to know and not be tainted. I took a deep breath in as I gagged and more tea and cookies came up. "Let's go back." 

"No." I told him. I wanted to keep running. Maybe I would just run as far as the airport and fly home. Maybe I would just run until my legs gave out and I would lie in the road and die there. Maybe I would tell Harry that he can't go on this date. But I wouldn't. I stood up and took a deep breath in as I ran my hands through my hair that was sticking to my head from the sweat. "Fuck." 

Niall placed his hand on my back and I turned to look at him. "I know you don't want to talk about it but let's go back. You smell of vomit and sweat and you don't want to push yourself to much." He told me. 

I nodded as I put my hands on my hips and we walked back towards campus. We walked slow for my side was throbbing and my lungs felt as if they were going to collapse on me. "I'm fine." I told Niall with hesitation in my voice.

"I never said you weren't." He told me as we walked. His tone was caring and I knew he had figured something was wrong but Niall being the soul that he was didn't ask and waited for me.

"You have that look." I said as he arched his brow and I shook my head. "Harry has a date." I said as the campus came into my line of vision. I felt safe to talk about Harry when we were off campus as if it was in another world. 

"Like a date date?" he asked me as I nodded my head. "Who with?"

"Eli."

I saw Niall cringe at his name. "I have a short shift today want to come over later for fifa and Thai?"I asked since I knew Rowan and Julia both had work tonight and they had some convert they were watching on yahoo that I didn't want to be around as they fangirled.

"Sure I will bring the food." He told me as we walked back towards my dorm. "Are you okay with Harry having a date?" 

"Why wouldn't I be?" I asked a bit defensive as Niall shook his head at me.

"I was just curious." Niall said. "Go shower and work. Just text me when you get off." 

I nodded as we parted ways. The dorm key felt heavy in my hand as I headed back in. Harry was still asleep, or at least pretending to be as I grabbed my clothes for work and slipped into the shower. As the warm water ran on my body I closed my eyes and drifted to another world. _It is a date Louis, this is what single people do. So you snogged lots of people just snog and then go out on dates. But is this what yo want a real relationship? Or do you just want to be a prick and keep Harry to yourself and deny him of a life like your he did to mom? No... No I didn't want that. I want Harry happy and if that meant me going along with this stupid date then so be it._

As the water began to run cold I turned it off, toweled my body dry and changed into my work clothes. I wold grab breakfast in the cafeteria and then catch the L over to the football shop and start my shift. I knew that if I was around Harry I would say words I didn't mean and it wold cause him pain before something exciting. So until then I would just stay away from the dorm which shouldn't be to hard. 

***  
When I got home from work I was beat. My mind had been anywhere but at work and I had fucked up a personalization on a jersey. I had stalled for time and went shopping at the local record store, had lunch at Whole Foods and went to Barnes and Noble and read for a bit. I finally mustered up the courage and went back to campus. When I got home the bedroom door was closed and I toed off my shoes and hung up my jacket. I saw Rowan's purse and realized Harry had called her over to help him get ready. 

I plopped down on the couch and turned the telly on. I slipped my mobile out of my back pocket and set it next to me as I found something to watch and turned up the volume. I wanted to hear nothing. Looking over my phone buzzed as Niall texted me. 

_iMessage  
7:00 pm_

**Thai food still okay?- Niall**

**Yes. Bring beer. Lots of beer - Louis**

**Scratch that bring a bottle of Jack- Louis**

**..... Louis- Niall**

**I want it- Louis**

**I'm bringing beer. I don't need a pissed Louis to take care of tonight when Harry is away (; - Niall**

**BRING THE BLOODY JACK NIALLER- Louis**

**Jesus.... Okay mate- Niall**

I set my phone on the coffee table as I heard Rowan and Harry mumbling about something as she walked out and Harry followed. He was in black skinny jeans, black sparkle boots, a black button up that was buttoned just to cover up his butterfly tattoo. He added a black suit jacket and a scarf. 

He looked amazing. 

"Hat or no hat?" He asked as he set a black hat on his head. "Lou?" 

"Hat." I said as my heart seemed to race as if I was going on the bloody date. "It's more you." 

Laughing he kept the hat on. He kissed Rowan on the cheek before slipping his billfold in his inner suit jacket pocket and his mobile in his trouser pocket. "I shouldn't be home late." 

"Okay." I said. 

Harry leaned over the couch, his face inches away from my face. "Have fun with Niall." 

"Yeah he is bringing Jack and Thai food so it will be a good night." I said to him as I kept my eyes on the telly. 

"Since when do you drink Jack Daniels?" He asked standing up as I felt Rowan's eyes on me burning holes in my skin. 

"Since tonight." I said with a quick smile as I turned the footie match up a bit. 

"Okay....." Harry said. "Thanks for the help Ro." 

"Anytime Harry." She said as I listened to him leave. I closed my eyes as Rowan got up and turned off the television and threw the remote at me. "For someone who doesn't give a shite you were pretty fucking rude!" She hissed. "You can't have it both ways Louis."

"Why not?"

Her eyes grew wide at me as if I had just run over a puppy. "Because you are messing with his heart and you denying him anything more than kissing and dragons is just as bad as when he got cheated on." She explained grabbing her jacket. "I know this is all new but use your brain to Louis. If you are this upset maybe you want to edit those rules you agreed to." 

I said nothing. 

"Be wise. I don't need a phone call from a drunk and giggling Niall telling me how you punched a hole in the wall or set off the fucking smoke alarms." She said naming a few times Niall and I got pissed together. Leaning over the back of the couch she kissed me on the cheek. "Check your emotions and see if there is more than just kissing and dragons you want Louis." 

I kept my eyes on the telly. Sighing Rowan grabbed her bag and left the dorm. I knew she was fed up with me. I was fed up with me. I had turned into this pathetic thing. Pissed off that Harry was going on a date but not sure if I myself wanted to date him. 

I enjoyed - no I loved kissing him. Talking to him. Being with him. It felt like nothing before and I know when we kissed my mind was in this euphoric state. It was a high without smoking a spliff, and it was free but even more fucking addicting. Harry tasted of mint toothpaste, flowers and black tea. His clothes reminded me of spring and his smile with those dimples made the world stop spinning. 

_iMessage  
7:30 pm_

**Open the door up your lazy arse I have food and Jack - Niall**

**Coming!- Louis**

Grabbing my ID and key I headed out of my dorm room and down to get Niall. I had debated on telling him about me and Harry and still was. Niall was my little brother, I watched out for him as much as he watched out for me. He had a good heart and would keep my conversation about Harry to himself. 

"I have the Jack, but I would like to know why we have over from beer to hard liquor in a days time?" Niall said as I took the bag with the alcohol from him. "Lou?"

"It's a long story." 

"I have all night." 

Maybe I should. Rowan had given me the 'you're stupid and one of you will get hurt but I'm going to support this because I care about both of you dumb idiots' lecture to me and I'm sure she gave one to Harry as well. Niall would either make a joke or he would get real with me. I honestly hope that he would do both. 

When we got back up to the dorm I got silverware, and glasses for us to use. Niall handed me my food and I handed him a glass of Jack Daniels before sitting down on the couch.  
"What has been one of the scariest things you have done?" I asked opening up my container of food.

Niall narrowed his eyes, he was gauging if he should be funny or serious in his comment. "A few things, moving here, asking Rowan out since she was older, singing in front of people." 

"Well I did something that scared me more than death last Saturday." I explained to him as I downed the Jack. I felt it in my throat and drop to my stomach. "I kissed Harry."  
Niall sat there for a few moments as his brain processed everything. He then smiled and suddenly looked more confused then when we began this conversation. 

Getting up I grabbed the bottle of Jack and brought it over to the coffee table. I poured myself another glass and sat back down, my hands shook a bit as I continued my story. "I'm not good with emotions or feelings for various reasons I don't wish to discuss but you can ask Ro if you are that curious. So Harry said we could try it." 

"Dating?"

I shook my head as Niall grabbed the bottle and poured more into his glass. "Kissing and talking about feelings. We aren't dating, there is no sex and no PDA outside of the dorm." I explained as I picked at my food. "I have until after Holiday to decide and if the feelings are something that passes we go back as lads. Nothing more." 

Again Niall paused pressing his lips together I watched him. I needed to know what he was going to say- it was hard to read his eyes from the bloody newsboys hat he had recently become obsessed with (this time Rowan was very pro this fashion fad phase). "How do you feel when you kiss him?" 

"Dragons." 

"Secret, I feel the same way when I'm with Rowan, and I know it will never stop. My dad still get that feeling when he kisses my mum." Niall explained a bit giddy that we could talk about relationships now. "So this date..."

"I'm fine."

Niall burst out laughing as I filled my glass again. "Mate your sitting here with me eating Thai food and drinking fucking Jack Daniel. That's not fine." 

He was right. 

"I want to be fine. But I want the date to be a disaster but Harry not feel bad about it come back and swear off dating." 

"So with that statement plus the rules of your experiment could we safely come to the conclusion you want to date Harry?" 

"No. I'm... I'm not sure if I want to date him but I have come to the conclusion I don't want him dating anyone else." 

"Mate...."

"I know." I said downing the rest small amount of Jack I had put in my glass. "I'm fucked." 

***  
The bottle was half empty by the time Niall left. We had both sobered up with coffee and ordering a pizza. Niall thanked me for telling him and that I needed to talk to Harry but not in a consoling way where he couldn't have a life of his own. The last thing I wanted was to suffocate Harry and have him leave. Plopping back down on the red couch I turned on XBOX and decided to kill time with Fifa. My mathematics class was canceled for tomorrow which left me with just three to go to. 

My phone buzzed I jumped a bit worried it was Harry and Eli did something to him. Pausing my game I looked down to see it was just my sister. Which was off since it was 4 in the morning back home.

_iMessage  
10:05 pm_

**Hey big brother. I haven't talked to you in a while and I can't sleep. How's life? - Lottie**

**Good. Playing fifa. You should be asleep you have classes tomorrow no- Tommo**

**No I've had some kinds of bug the past two days. Mum and Daniel sent me to nana's so I wouldn't get the babies sick- Lottie**

**Why does mum never tell me these things?!?- Tommo**

**Because you worry too much - Lottie**

**How is Harry?- Lottie**

**Good- Tommo**

**Any more *kiss emoji* - Lottie**

**CHARLOTTE! -Tommo**

**Hey we all want you to be happy Lou. I don't care if you like boy or girls or both. Just make sure that person you love loves you back just as much as you love them. I don't want to have to fly from Doncaster to beat up someWanker who hurt you - Lottie**

**Hahaha. I will and make sure you take your own advice sis - Tommo**

**I did. I dumped Jared and I'm single and I want to stay that way. I need to work on me. But you have done enough of that for 21 years so work on getting with Harry (; - Lottie  
You're a horrible horrible human - Tommo **

**I learned from the best big bro! - Lottie**

**Jesus.... Get some sleep and get better. Skype this weekend with Fizzy and the twins? - Tommo**

**Yes! - Lottie**

**Louis. Tell mum and Daniel. Please you will be glad you did - Lottie**

**I say it out of love and I want you to be happy. You deserve that- Lottie**

**I love you - Lottie**

**I love you to- Tommo**

What do I tell my parents. I wasn't straight, nor was I gay and I'm not bisexual. I'm.... Harry-sexual. I just wanted Harry to kiss me, poke me till I laugh, complain I don't shower enough and I dress like a footie bum. Make me tea and sit in silence as we both do class work. I wasn't even sure I wanted to have a physical relationship with Harry. I liked kissing. 

I even enjoyed talking. 

But kissing mostly. 

_FUCKKKKKKKKKK_ I hissed in my mind as I pressed the temples of my head with my hands. I needed Harry back now. I needed to figure what was going on and stop my head from feeling as if it was in a vice and every time I thought about him it got tighter and tighter until I would eventually explode. Just as I resumed the game I heard a key in the dorm door and my entire body seemed to calm down as I watched Harry walk in from the reflection in the telly screen. I wanted him to talk first. Or should I? 

I was a dick before he left. 

I kept the game paused as he unzipped his shoes and locked the door. He walked over, dropping his shoes and hat on the chair and took a seat next to me on the couch. I noticed he had buttoned up his shirt from when he left. 

"How was the date?" 

"Nice he took me to a place called RJ Grunts. Ordered rubbish wine, and we talked." Harry said as he rested his head on my shoulder. "He dressed nice, we had polite conversation and it was the ideal date for almost anyone." 

"But..." 

"Your breath smells horrible of Jack Daniels. Did Niall actually provide you with that?" 

"We didn't get pissed bottle is on the counter if you want some." I told him. Harry lifted his head and got up. I turned and watched him grab a glass and pour himself a night cap.

He made his way back over and sat back down next to me. 

"Did you sit here and brood all night?" Harry asked. 

"No. Talked with Niall. My sister texted me and we talked for a bit." I said to him. "What was wrong with your date?" I asked Harry I had been the master at diverting conversations but I also was a master at knowing when someone was doing the same thing. Turning off the telly I turned my body towards Harry. "Honesty."

I watched Harry finish his nightcap, his hands shook a bit as he set the glass down. 

"He wasn't you."


	11. wrong [h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _There I was, way off my ambitions, getting deeper in love every minute || F. Scott Fitzgerald_

I hadn't been on a date in well close to a year and I felt more guilt than nerves. Louis had been out of the dorm before the sun came up for a run with Niall. He showered and then disappeared. I had gotten a text from Niall saying he was at work and had plans to hang with him that evening. I had no idea if Louis told anyone about us. I assumed Rowan knew. She knew everything about Louis and he needed that outside of me. 

I ran the towel through my hair to dry it and let the curls dry and looks not so shaggy. _It was just dinner_. I kept telling myself that but my mind and chest was making it seem more. Walking back with a towel wrapped around my waist I hung up the towel and stood in front of the mirror. My face had some bumps- you would think once I grew out of puberty my face would have listened as well. "It's dinner." I said my hands on the side of the wink as I looked down into the wash bowl. "Dinner calm the shit down." Taking a deep breath in I headed back into the room and grabbed my mobile. 

_iMessage  
5:50 pm_

**Hey I have a date and I need help finding an outfit. I haven't done this in a while and Louis is with Niall - Harry**

**Leaving my apartment now - Ro**

**Thank you - Harry.**

I tossed my mobile back on the bed and slipped on a pair of track pants so I wasnt naked when Rowan showed up. I had pulled out items but none of them seemed right. Eli dressed nice always put together. Preppy almost. I wasn't sure where we were going but looking at my options I didn't have clean, crisp, preppy. I was as Louis put it 'a hippie'. I just dressed like me, how I felt comfortable and stopped caring about impressing people really. 

My phone buzzed and Rowan was here and headed in. I had no idea how her ID worked but she was magic. I unlocked the door and she embraced me with a hug. "Excited?" She asked as I shut the door and showed her into the room. She took a seat on my dresser as I began to show her the options I had. 

"Where are you going?" 

"RJ Grunts..." I said trying to remember the name.

"No flamingos then." She said as I hung that one up. "No cotton t-shirts either." She told me as I put those back into the drawer where her feet hung down. 

"Is Louis okay?" I asked as Rowan slid off my dresser and went into my closet. Kneeling down she began to dig through my shoe collection. 

"He is trying to be. I don't understand this whole thing you two agreed on but it's not my place- you have gold boots?" She asked as she held them up. I shrugged as she went back to looking. "But him being okay is him not being here right now." 

I felt like a prick. 

"Okay these for sure." She said pulling out my black sparkled boots. "All black and this." She stood up and grabbed my suit jacket and hat. "Skinny black jeans with the black button down." 

"Yeah? Think Eli will think I'm a hippie?"

"Eli Chambers?" Rowan asked as her eyes grew wide and I knew there was a story behind that look. Rowan smiled as walked over to Louis's side of the room and began to clean up for him like she was his mother. I cared about Louis but the man was a pig never making his bed, his clothes all over the floor but he never got my stuff messy which I found charming in a way. His side of the room would be trashed but he would make sure that none of his clothes, or shoes or even book bag cluttered up my space. Charming but annoying all at the same time but that was Louis oddly enough. 

"Why do you say it like that?" I asked worried. He was an ass. Or maybe he just wanted a shag. Shit. 

"You know he is rich. His father is a politician and his mum is a socialite." Rowan explained to me. "Not that it's a bad thing. Rich can be good. Nice you never have to pay for things." She laughed as she made his bed quickly and piled all his clothes up onto his bed with his shoes and socks and pants. Rowan came from money or that is what Louis eluded to. Not so much she was a snob but enough that she didn't need to worry. Funny you never would have thought it. She worked, budgeted and didn't wear designer. Vintage but that was preserving something that was already perfect. "But again money isn't everything." 

"Is he a prick?" 

"His brother is." She told me as she finished cleaning up Louis side of the room and wrote a note saying 'Put Away You Lazy Ass'. "He was a Junior and I was a sophomore and he asked me out. Cool I thought, we had a nice dinner he was polite and then he was bringing me back to his flat and all he wanted was a quick one night stand. I broke his nose and told him if he ever touched me I would call the police." She told me as she leaned against the door frame. "This was pre Niall." 

"Did Louis go mental?" 

"Yes. Was suspended for a week in footie." She told me. "His brother said he fell and broke his nose he was so ashamed a girl beat the shit out of him." 

I laughed as I slipped the shirt on and buttoned it up. Rowan shook her head and walked over to me and unbuttoned the top four. "Be you Harry. I don't care what Eli thinks of you can't be you then don't go at all."

"Do you give pep talks like this to Julia before her dates?"

"Sometimes but she has a thing for a singer in Jersey." She told me as I grabbed my pants and jeans and headed to the toilets to change. "I know you two have these rules and I don't need to hear them but what happens if your date goes well and you want to see this Eli again?" She asked through the door. 

I had never thought about that. Or maybe I didn't want to think about it. I cared about Louis but I wasn't sure what I was doing with my life. I didn't want to fall into the same habits with Kevin but I didn't want to use Louis and have him feel like I'm manipulating him. "I will cross that bridge when I get there," I said as I pulled my trousers up and buttoned them. Opening up the door I walked out with my track pants in hand. "Until then I'm on an island that is just a date. When it's done I can cross back over to the Louis island."

"But what if you want to move to the Eli island?" She asked following me back into my bedroom. 

"I don't know." I said grabbed black socks and slipping them onto my feet. "Whatever I do I don't want to hurt Louis." 

I heard the door open as Louis came back. The telly was quickly switched on and turned up. Rowan shut the door and we finished our conversation. 

"Do you care about him." She asked me bluntly. I knew she did and didn't want him hurt, we were in the same team with that. I wasn't sure how much she knew that we were and that this was to help Louis if anything. 

"Yes." 

"And do you get dragons?" 

I smiled as she mentioned the dragons. "Big ones like Smaug." I informed her. 

"Then why?" 

I grabbed my hat and slid it on and fixed my hair to make sure it looked decent. "I need to be in control of my life. I was so codependent on Kevin I lost me. I found me and I don't want to loose my voice." I stopped as she had her hand on the door. "And I need to be sure what I'm doing with Louis isn't just me being horny and selfish."

Rowan fought back tears as she wrapped her arms around my neck and buried her face into my shoulder. "Thank you for being honest." 

"Ta." I said as she opened the door and my night became real. Walking out I saw Louis sitting there and he turned around and seemed a bit taken aback by me. My heart fluttered as I knew the look in his eyes and watched as he tried to hide a smile. "Hat or no hat?" I asked pointing to the hat and Rowan stood there and looked at Louis. "Lou." 

"Hat," he told me as he paused for a moment. "It's more you." 

I chuckled as I kept my hat on. I'm glad that he told me to keep it on I loved my hat and it gave me a boost of confidence that Louis liked it as well. I turned around and gave Rowan a kiss on her cheek before I grabbed my billfold from my book bag and slipped it into my suit jacket along with my mobile in my trousers. "I shouldn't be home late." I told Louis as he turned back to the telly. 

"Okay." He said. 

I pushed past the frustration I had with him and leaned over my face inches away from his face as I whispered in his ear. "Have fun with Niall." 

Louis shrugged a bit as I stood up. "Yeah, he is bringing Jack and Thai food so it will be a good night." He told me as his eyes were glued on the telly. At least he didn't get up and walk away there was some progress on how he deals with emotions. 

"Since when do you drink Jack Daniels?" I asked as Rowan didn't look to pleased with Louis's choice of drink this evening. 

"Since tonight." He bit at me and I knew there was no more talking about tonight. 

"Okay..." I said taking a deep breath and turned to Rowan with a smile. "Thanks for the help Ro." 

"Anytime Harry." She said as I nodded and headed out of the dorm. Eli would be waiting for me and I didn't want to be late. My hand hovered over the door handle before I dove in and began this date. 

***

I laughed as Eli shook his head at me. "No I'm serious it was the worst night ever and Evan laughed at me as I tried to make our way to her house before my parents freaked that I was drunk and had broken my ankle." 

"I fell off my bed when I was four or so my sister told my mum. She pushed me because I was jumping to close to her and I fell and went through the wall and my arm broke." I told him as he covered his mouth and laughed at my story. The waitress came by and gave us each another beer and told us that our food would be out soon. "We love each other now and laugh about it but she was something else." 

"My brother was like that - hell he still is." He joked with me. "So is it hard being away from them?" 

I nodded taking a sip of my beer. "But they knew I wanted to do this and I get to see them over Holiday so I'm happy with that." I explained to him. 

Dinner had been fun so far. We had talked about life, his travels in Europe, his family, school as well as what he planned on doing after Uni. We had talked about movies, music but when we talked my mind kept going back to Louis. I would look up at Eli and I would picture Louis sitting there across from me. When I would give an answer I would think what Louis would think of my answer and as Eli talked and talked I laughed at myself and realized how I didn't miss filler talk. While sitting in silence was seemed to be daunting there was something you learn about yourself. 

"I really do wish that you would have come to my party." Eli said as our food was delivered and it looked fantastic. He had gotten a steak burger and I opted for a chicken sandwich. "It's not a crazy party just close friends, some drinks and music." 

I nodded cutting my sandwich in half. "I have never been a party person even back home." 

"Even if it was on a boat?" Eli asked with an arched brow. Laughing I shrugged as I took a bite of my sandwich as Eli popped a chip into his mouth. "We are going outon my dad's boat this Saturday before they put it away for the winter. Small just a few friends and drinks and we have a driver so no drunk sailing." 

"I would, but I promised Rowan we could film for her capstone film. I am, I am helping her out with it and a few weeks ago Louis and I recorded our voice overs and now she needs to film me and work her cinematographic beauty." I explained him. "It's actually amazing what she is doing her entire concept is about love and how people view love and how our experiences shape our views and if we can move on or if we stay in that mindset." 

"So it's about love?" 

"But so much more than the love we think society teaches us it's about stripping down a person from the outside and seeing that the inside might not reflect what you see."  
"Interesting. So you and Louis are helping her?" 

"Yes and it's been nice to pick her brain as a fellow film student and how she sees the pictures moving and where she draws her insperation from."  
Eli nodded. "You and Louis are close?" 

"Yeah good friends." I told him not wanting to talk to much about Louis for I wasn't on a date with him but with Eli. "But enough about him. If you could have dinner with one person alive or dead who would it be?" 

"Joseph Pulitzer. He was an amazing journalist and I would love to know his views on labour strikes and give him a few pointers how he could have done better in keeping the little people in line." Eli said as he finished off his fries. That was the second time he called people who worked 'the little people' and I wanted to correct him but he kept talking and I didn't have the chance. Louis would have told him to shut up and that he sounded like a rich idiot. "You?" 

"Wes Anderson. I would just talk shop with him all day about filming and his inspiration and the actors he works with and just get to know him and be able to understand his work even more than I already do. He has such a..." I trailed off as Eli looked at his phone again. Shutting my mouth I pushed the chips around my plate as the waitress came back to the table. I asked for a take away box as Eli was engulfed in his mobile. 

"Sorry we were talking about this weekend." He said looking up with a smile. "So what are your plans for Thanksgiving?"

"Going over to Rowan's family with her, Niall, Louis and Julia." I told him as I put my food in the container and he kept on eating his own. "Louis invited me since he has been going there for four years and Niall for three, it was to expensive to fly home so I agreed." 

"Well," Eli said as he finished off his plate. "If you want an alternative option where you can have a great dinner made by the best cook ever and it be quiet with just my parents and then brother and his fiance you can come to my house." 

I wanted to make a face and laugh at him but I smiled and decided to put my best English face on and decline. "I already told Rowan's mother I would be there and she is making a special dessert for me." 

"Well, if you want a scapegoat I can be one." 

"I will be fine." I said a bit angrily as the waitress came back with a dessert menu. I was about to take it when Eli grabbed it from me. 

"Two coffee's and then a slice of lemon and chocolate cake." He told her as he handed the menu back. "So do you always wear your shirt unbuttoned like that?" 

I looked down and saw that my chest was showing but it was just the tattoo's on the upper part. I had to make sure that butterfly was kept hidden away. "Yes." 

"Is it an English thing?" 

Was he thick. 

"No, it's a Harry thing." I told him as the waitress came back, I buttoned my shirt up as he slid me the lemon slice and he took the chocolate as he made his coffee and I took mine black. I knew at this point better than to ask if I could have a bite of his desert. Louis was never like that. We would go to this French cafe and each order two deserts and share them over coffee as we did homework or talked. He never cared if I took the last bite as I didn't care if he took the last bite either. 

"Oh, well you might not want to. In America that is a bit weird even for us." 

"Us?" I asked him as I realized I wasn't hungry anymore. I feared that this would happen it would be a great night and then Eli would start to be Eli and pick me apart. I felt rushed into meeting his parents as if he wanted to bring a puppy home and show me off as his boyfriend and then depending on their approval or lack of I would be a puppy in a cardboard box on the side of the road with the words 'FREE' scribbled on it with a permanent marker. I didn't want that. I didn't want to have to make myself look and act a different way to please a man who has the attention span of a gnat and doesn't really listen to me when I talk. 

"Gay's." He told me as if we were in a secret club. "Plus my parents wouldn't like to see the tattoos." 

"Okay..." I said to him. "So if I went on the boat I would have to put on a shirt?" 

Eli shook his head. "No, only if my father was around. I wouldn't want him to think you were a thug," he joked but it wasn't joking words like Louis would say when he was angry and wanted to deflect Eli meant what he said about tattoos and me. I didn't fit into his world like I didn't fit into Kevin's when I tried to change to fit his lifestyle and needs. I was falling back into the same rut that I had to claw and cry my way out of. Louis allowed me to be me and even though he would roll his eyes at me when I hummed around the dorm or would make come comment about the telly show he was watching he did it in love. His words never hurt and if they did he would stop and apologize for them. I had made a mistake with coming here with Eli but this date cleared up doubts I had and questions about Louis and I. I knew now what I wanted even if it killed me. 

I wanted to leave now. Thankfully the waitress came back with the bill and he paid leaving her a horrible tip Eli got up and I slipped an extra five on the table as we headed back out to the car. The beer was eating away at my stomach as I carried my uneaten dinner with me. Eli held the car door open and shut it behind me like a gentleman before he got in. The driver made his way back to the campus. 

"So will you come on the boat?" 

"I have Rowan's film," I reminded him as he looked defeated. Even if I didn't I wouldn't be going on his boat. I wouldn't be going out on another date with him either. Yes it was nice and conversation was decent but it lacked. Well it lacked him not being Louis. "Sorry." 

"After? I have my apartment and we can you know what one of those movies you talk about." He said and I knew that it was the alcohol and him wanting a shag. 

"I think I will pass on that as well." I told him as we reached the campus. I opened up the car door and got out as Eli did the same. The drive waited to take him back to his flat he lived in. "Thank you for this evening Eli it was a nice time." 

"Want me to walk you..." 

I shook my head. "No I can manage." I paused as I moved my face as he tried to kiss me. "I will see you in class tomorrow." Turning on my heals I made a b-line for the dorms. Unlocking the door I ran up the steps as if he was following me. I felt gross that he tried to kiss me. I didn't want his lips to be where Louis's had been. Pulling the key from my pocket I unlocked the dorm door to see Louis sitting there on the couch like I had left him. He turned around as I took off my shoes and walked over and dropped them, my hat and food on the chair before sitting down next to him on the couch.

"How was the date?" 

"Nice he took me to a place called RJ Grunts, ordered cheap beer and we talked." I said as I laid my head on his shoulder. "He dressed nice, we had decent conversation. It was the ideal date for almost anyone." 

"But..." Louis trailed off. 

I scrunched my nose as Louis spoke. I was going to kill Niall when i saw him tomorrow. "Your breath smells horribly of Jack Daniels. Did Niall actually provide you with that?" I asked him as I realized I should be one to talk since I was 20 and out drinking at a restaurant. 

"We didn't get pissed. The bottle is on the counter if you want some." He told me. I lifted my head and got up, why the hell not? I grabbed my food and tossed it into the fridge before I grabbed a glass and poured myself a night cap. Walking back over I sat back down next to Louis. 

"Did you sit here and brood all night?" I asked him taking a sip of the alcohol. 

"No. Talked with Niall. My sister texted me and we talked for a bit." He told me. "What was wrong with your date?" 

I knew that he was going to ask. I had diverted the question but he had to loop back around to it. I didn't want to tell him that is sucked but I wasn't upset that it sucked. I was glad for I was able to go running back over the bridge to the Island of Louis. Louis grabbed the remote and turned off the telly as he turned to me. "Honestly." I looked down at my glass and downed the last bit of it in one shot. My hand shook a bit as I set the glass down on the coffee table. "He wasn't you." I told him. 

Louis was still. I wanted to tell him he didn't laugh at the jokes I thought were funny. He wanted me to button up my shirt and he told me that I needed to make sure I was cautious about my life. He wanted me to ditch the people I loved the most to spend a holiday that I don't even know the point of with his family. He didn't look at me with the love and kindness that Louis did and that he looked at people all below him and when he didn't share his dessert I knew that we wouldn't be able to go on a second date. But the biggest thing I wanted to tell Lou was that I didn't want him to kiss me. That I cared so much for Louis and that I would rather get burned and fall in love with him than be with another man who I had no feelings for at all. 

"What?" 

Laughing I pushed my hair behind my ear and looked at Louis, cupping his face and looking into his eyes. "He wasn't you you daft git." I told him slowly. 

"Did you kiss him?" 

I shook my head no. 

"I made a new... this." He said as he handed me a napkin that had chicken scratch on it. "It says that you can't date. I don't like the way I feel when you date. I.. it didn't feel right."  
"So I can't date," I said as I read his writing. "But I can watch as much porn as I want to release my urges. Well that is kind of you." I laughed sitting back into the couch. "Louis don't think that you need to sleep with me. If you never feel ready and we go past the Holiday and you want to date me and you still don't want to sleep with me... well," I held up the napkin. "I can watch porn." 

Louis laughed a bit as he laid his head on my shoulder. "Why didn't you kiss him." 

"He wasn't you." I told him again as I took my fingers and laced them with Louis's hand. "I realized while I was out with him that I didn't want that, want someone who told me I needed to button up my shirt and change me. I went on this date not to hurt you but to make sure that what I feel isn't me being selfish but me knowing I like you." 

"I like you to." 

"I know." I laughed as he poked my side and I poked him back as he laid down on his back and I straddled him. Leaning down I kissed him gently on the lips as his arms wrapped around his neck and pulled my body on top of him. "You can't kiss any other boys either." 

"I don't want to." Louis told me as he pulled my lips onto his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who read this it means a lot for I enjoy writing and it keeps me busy with transitioning from one job to the next (: I hope that you all enjoyed with chapter and maybe Louis and Harry will get together before the end of the deadline?? Or not... who knows?? Well I do *evil smile* I love you all and thank you again 
> 
> XO Vi


	12. concerned [h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When someone else's happiness is your happiness that is love || Lana Del Rey_

As a film major I hated being on camera. It was a daunting and horribly terrifying experience and it was when I was sitting there among the trees as Rowan set up her camera I realized I didn't want this. It was bad enough I sounded like an idiot talking about love but now I was in the woods and I felt I should be smoking a joint and telling people to live and how the world goes around due to love. Deep down I knew that was me but I didn't want the entire film department to think I was a mental case and would walk around talking about peace and love and inner happiness. I still hadn't found that in my own life. Per Rowan’s request (or demand depending on how one interpreted the conversation) I had dressed in black skinny jeans, a pair of brown boots, a black cotton shirt and a red and black checked plaid shirt tied around my waist. I had my hat on my head and sunglasses on to keep the sun out of my eyes and me from squinting and looking even more of a prick on the camera. 

“How was your date with Eli?” Rowan asked as she took her camera and took a few stills of me. 

I laughed and turned my head at her. “I’m sure Louis told you.” 

She nodded as she looked up from the lens. “Yes but his version went ‘Eli is a dick like his brother and he made Harry uncomfortable. If he had hurt him I would have punched his teeth in. I hate those rich bloody wankers who think they own the world and can use their money to win the hearts of people’.” She said imitating his accent and facial expressions perfectly. “Which all I got was the date wasn't up to par and Louis has found someone he is even more protective of than me which is nice and a big step forward in life.” She told me. 

“It wasn't bad it just wasn't good either.” I explained to her as I laid down and looked up into the trees as the clouds filled the sky like cotton candy and the sun shown down on us. “He was polite and he didn't flaunt his money either. He just made comments about my appearance and wanting to meet my parents which threw me. He didn't like me as me and wanted to change things so I could be the ideal boyfriend.” I confessed. “And whenever he spoke I thought about Louis and what his answer would be and just how we could sit in a room and not and it’s enough or that he makes me tea when he knows I’m missing home and get off a Skype chat with my mum and sister.” 

“Did you kiss him?” She asked as I heard her camera snap a few more times. 

“No.” I told her taking a deep breath in as the autumn air filled my lungs and I felt the sun on my face. “I didn't want to either. I wanted the last kiss I had before I left the dorm to be Louis’s and the first one when I get back to be his.” 

Rowan’s boots crunched a bit as she walked on some grass and leaves as she walked back over to her camera. “Can you sit up and I’m just going to film you, I just need you to turn your head to the side and look off into the distance.” 

Sitting up I gave her a thumbs up before I leaned to the side and stretched out my leg and placed my hand on my hip. “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up.” I told her in my best American accent. I watched as Rowan tried to keep a serious but her lips curved up into a smile as she shook her head at me. 

“I’m serious Harry! I have to get this done.” 

I nodded as I sat crossed legged and turned my head and looked at the trees. The silence was frustrating. _Any way you want it that’s the way you need it any way you want it_. I sang in my head as I tried not to dance around. Louis had been playing Journey this morning when he was in the shower and now it was playing round and round in my head. My thumbs and fingers began to softly drum out the song that was playing in my head. “She loves to laugh, she loves to sing she does everything.” I said in barely a whisper. As I drummed a bit louder my voice began to get more audible. “She loves to move, she loves to groove, she loves the lovin’ things.” 

Making the guitar sounds with my mouth I played a bit of the old air guitar (I was a bit rusty) as I began to sing louder. “Oh, all night, all night. Oh, every night. So hold tight, hold tight. Oh, baby, hold tight!” I sang in a high pitch as I was full on air drumming and guitars sounds left my lips. I was no longer in the woods but playing a stage at Glastonbury for thousands and thousands of people. 

“Oh, she said ‘any way you want it that’s the way you need it. Any way you want it’ ANY WAY YOU WANT IT. She said, ‘any way you want it that’s the way you need it any way you want it.” Banging the drum set my head swayed back and forth as I could feel the eyes own Rowan coming down upon me. Louis had told me once the wrath of Rowan is worse than a woman’s scorn but I had my secret weapon if she did get upset. 

“Harold!” Rowan yelled at me as her eyes narrowed and her brow furrowed. I smiled as wide as I cold as my dimpled became prominent on my face. Her eyes rolled so dramatically I would have thought we were on a Spanish Soap Opera. “I’m not Louis so that,” she said taking her finger and motioning at my face as I kept a smile on my face. “That right there doesn't work on me mister.” She told me as my smile was dashed and I decided to go to phase 2. The puppy dog eyes. “Oh, my gowd you and Louis are so unbelievable. If you don’t stop now Harry Edward Styles I will tell Louis on you.” She hissed playfully at me. 

“No you wont.” I said calling her bluff as she placed her hands on her hips and cocked her head at me behind her glasses. “Okay you will. I will behave.” I took my finger and crossed my heart with an X. 

I heard her grunt as she went back behind her camera and I sat there and looked off into the distance. I was getting antsy but I had promised her that I would behave and lord knows Louis would be on my ass if I didn't. Or if he was here he would have joined me in my dicking around since he was the master at it and I had seen Rowan just leave mid conversation to let him be off in his world and then pick it up the following day with him as if nothing had ever happened. “So what is going on with you and Louis. I don’t want to be nosy but I care about both of you and I don’t want Louis to think he can have both worlds and not have to realize that he can’t.” 

“I know.” 

“I don’t want him to stop you from dating because he doesn't like it but he won’t go out for you. It’s wrong on him and not fair to you.” Rowan said as I turned to her. “I love him and I am so glad that he is exploring his feelings and that you are there to help him Harry because I never was able to. But I don’t want him to hold you back from living a life you want for fear of him not being happy with going on a date or kissing other guys.” 

“I can’t kiss guys but I can watch all the porn I want.” I told her as she stopped. “He wrote an amendment to our agreement.” I said trying not to laugh as I thought of his face, it was almost childlike as he had handed me the napkin. I pushed myself off the ground and began to pace in and out of the trees. Rowan was right I was slowly moving back into a relationship like I had with Kevin and that was unhealthy. I wasn't ashamed of my sexuality, I had realized that if I didn't stand my ground no one else was going to do it for me. My mind began to wander. Maybe Louis was ashamed of me, how I dressed, how I was confident in me even when most of the time I wanted to crumble and hide away but I didn't. “Do you think he is ashamed of me… or himself?” I asked as Rowan followed me with a camera. 

“Not of you, no.” She assured me as she stopped. “Louis is a lot of things Harry and he hasn't had the most open home to express his emotions and have a voice. When I said he cares about you more than me I didn't say that to say it Harry. He does and at times I don’t think he fully understand what his heart is saying for he has spent so long ignoring it. He has trained himself to think those feelings as a weakness while you have been breaking those ideas and walls down and emotions are no longer weakness or bad. They are scary but something he wants experience with you.” 

Rowans words hit me deep. I wanted Louis to be himself comfortable in his skin and who he was, but I had this fear that was growing in the back of my head that I was going to turn into Kevin push him to hard and too fast and he loses the grip on his life and who he has carved out to be. Something I never wished upon anyone. But I was falling and every night while he mumbled in his sleep in French about scones and Spiderman I lay there with a grin on my face just wanting to be laying next to him, watch his mouth move and kiss him when he would wake up from a night terror. Lay with my arms around him as our breathing becomes synced and we sleep until we have class everyday. Spending Sunday’s slow and lazily. 

“I just want him to be okay.” I said stopping and looking down at my shoes. “You know Eli told me that I needed to button up my shirt and cover up my tattoos. Never once did he ask what meaning they held. He didn't want his father to think I was a thug. When Louis saw them he took his fingers and traced over them and asked me questions about them and made up his own stories about them.” I felt a heaviness come over me. “I was burned once by love but is it too much of a wish to hope that if I was to get burned again it would be with Louis for I feel unlike anything and I don’t want it to stop.” 

I listened as Rowan walked close to me and stepped in front of me. “Talk okay you two have these rules but you are both guessing what the other one wants. Now my fellow flower child let’s go and get some flowers, make some crowns and pretend we are in Woodstock in 69.” She laughed taking my hand with a smile. 

***

When I got back to the door Louis had scribbled on the whiteboard that he had gone out to work and would be home with dinner for us. I couldn't help but smile for whenever he left he would text me or leave a note. Hanging up my book bag I had brought with me I toed off my boots bending down I picked them up and headed to the bedroom. I stopped as I looked in the mirror at the crown of flowers around my hat. I took my hat off and laughed, Louis was right I was the person to wear a flower crown and not look like I'm trying to hard to pull it off. 

I hung my hat on the hook by the closet with my other hats and set my boots back into the closet. I grabbed my homework and made my way to the couch. I had films to watch and questions to post and answer. I needed to talk to Louis. Plopping down on the couch I settled in for a relaxing day. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. 

_Eli Chambers  
iMessage (7)_

I wasn't going to answer. I didn't want to go on his boat and I didn't want to read his drunk text messages ragging from angers to being oh so apologetic. The date was damned to hell before he even asked me out. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't want that, the dressing like a tosser, the watching what you say, the talking that goes on and on about oneself. The boat would have been nice but I mean who doesn't want a boat which was probably a yacht. 

I knew Louis cared, as outlandish as it was to make that statement I knew he cared about me and my feelings and what I thought about decisions that needed to be made. I wasn't jumping the gun and planning our wedding together, hell I hadn't even entertained the idea of our families meeting. All I wanted was Louis to find happiness in his life like he has went playing footie. I had gone on YouTube and watched a few games he played in for the team here and he was fantastic. He was beautiful to watch and he always had a smile on his face when he was playing. Maybe... Maybe I was giving him this horrible ultimatum that would be to much and he would cave to what I wanted. 

I shook my head and laughed as I logged onto my laptop to get to the videos I had to watch for class. Louis stood his ground when he believed in something. He wasn't easily swayed by a bat of some eyes and dimples, well some thing yes but it's part of my charm.

I didn't love Louis. But I was falling for him and I could stop unfortunately no part of me wanted to pull the brakes. It was hard not to want more in the sense of just fooling around more. I had been relieving myself in the shower every morning and sometimes just thinking about Louis and kissing him I would feel myself getting hard in class. 

Shit. Just thinking about it I felt it coming on. Setting my laptop down on the other side of the couch I adjusted my pants but it didn't help. My mind was thinking of Louis and my body was in need for something. Closing my eyes I pictured my sister and mum and felt better as all sexual thoughts were suppressed. "Guess I'll need a shower tonight." I told myself picking back up my computer and getting to work. 

We always had a short film to watch. They were current and we had to explain them. We had been placed into groups and every day before classes end Professor Ilahi would draw the names of the films from a bowl and put them by either Groups 1 to 7. I was in groups 7 and since we were a man short we had Rowan to also voice her opinion on the film while having discussion. I don't know how she managed that but I'm glad she did. Since she was in our group no one slacked off and we actually watched the film a few times and discusses before we each took a turn writing the single pages summary for the class to read. This week it was my turn. 

I was thrilled when we got _The Voorman Problem_. I'm a fan of Martin Freeman from his early works up until now. The film was interesting to say the least. As it played for the third time I logged onto the Google doc I shared with my group and began to type out my summary and explanation of the film. I left room for people to add comments and then I would work them in. After watching this I questioned if I was the mental one who thought he was a doctor and was here to help Louis. 

As my fingers moved over the keyboard I heard the key in the door and Louis walked in. He was carrying a bag from Noodles & Company along with jersey's. 

"Hello." He said grinning from ear to ear. "So I didn't know what you wanted and got a few options we can share but if you like mine more than you can have it." Louis explained setting the bag in the coffee table and looking at me. "Porn?"

"No!" I yelled defensively. "Homework you mad bastard." I laughed showing him my laptop before closing it and setting it on the coffee table. "What are those?" 

"These," Louis said excitedly, "these are jersey I have a Doncaster Rovers one with your name on the back." He said holding up the jersey and showing it off before tossing it at me. 

"I'm not from Doncaster." 

"I know I'm not finished be patient." Louis said as he held up another jersey that was Manchester United. "I got this one for you as well." He showed off the jersey front and back before tossing it at me and walking over to get forks and water for dinner. 

These jerseys were amazing and I was taken back by them coming from Louis. Yes he purchased food for us. But it was for both of us. He had never stopped out and just gotten something for me to get it. No holiday or reason other than because. What struck me even more was that he had listened from back when the school year began and I had made a comment about liking Manchester. Only once did I say it but he remembered. "You didn't have to." I said as guilt came over me. "You know that right." 

Louis stopped before he reached couch. "Did I do something wrong?" He asked as I watched panic fall over his face. "they are defective jersey's and I looked to see what size you wore when you were in the shower was I not supposed to?" 

I shook my head again. It was adorable he thought enough to look. "Are you ashamed of me?"

"What? No! Did Eli say that?" Louis asked as he stood there his blood boiling. I set the jerseys in my laptops and turned around on the couch kneeling and looking up at Louis. 

"No darling. I just don't want you to feel you need to do this to plead me. I know I don't dress like most, and I'm awkward more times than not. I just don't want you to feel that you need to continue this if you don't want to be seen with me." 

I watched Louis as he walked around the couch, setting the forks and his water bottle down he sat next to me. His face was serious and he looked several years older than normal. "I think the way you dress is great. It makes me look classy." 

"Or like a bum."

Louis rolled his eyes at me. "Whatever." He said waving his hand in the air. "Don't listen to Eli I like this." His hands motioned to my body. "I find your mind fascinating and your music taste isn't bad either. I know Kevin fucked with your brain and made you feel like you couldn't be you but if you stop being you we stop being us." 

His words hit my body and seeped into my skin. He truly liked me, not the idea of me but me. His hand tested on my knee as I smiled at him. 

"Are you ashamed of yourself?" 

Louis paused. His face went from joy to frustration to confusion to pain. His said moved from side to side as his eyes dropped down to his hand. I reached out and took his and gave it a kiss. "I'm learning to know it's okay. This doesn't make me a bad person or a failure as a son." 

"It doesn't." I said as a lump began to well up in my throat and my eyes stung from holding back tears. 

"I don't want you to get hurt even if I get hurt. I want you happy all the time Harry over me being happy. I don't know what I got those jerseys the entire walk here I tried to think of a holiday or something but there is no presents at Thanksgiving and Christmas and form your Hanukkah isn't close." 

I laughed as I culled Louis's face and pushed his hair out of his eyes. "You don't need a reason." 

"Really?"

"Really." I explained with a smile. "You know you quoted Lana Del Rey and didn't even know it?" 

Louis huffed as he began to get the food out. "I don't want to talk about your drug music." He mocked playfully. 

"Oi!" I laughed trying hard to scold him but this was a weekly conversation we had that was serious and now was banter like we were an old married couple. 

"Don't 'Oi ' me that music is what you listen to when you are smoking a spliff and at a music festival. It's creepy Harry. I expect more from you." He joked as I slapped his knee. 

"I like her now deal with it Mr. Plays the same songs over and over and over and over and over and OVER again! There are bands that happened after the 80's you do know that right?" I joked as he narrowed his eyes and held his nose up in the air at me. "Oh I have to plate my own food?" 

"You get no food!" He said turning his back towards me. "No food for you!" 

Kneeling on the couch I grabbed a fork from the coffee table and reached over his shoulder and loaded the fork with pasta and shoved it into my mouth before he could hit it out of my hand. My cheeks were puffed out as I tried to chew but all I could do was laugh as Louis's face looked as if he was appalled at what I did. I covered my mouth as I felt the pasta going to come out from laughing. My jaw hurt from trying to chew but I finally swallowed it. 

"How about I put on some druggie music as we have dinner?" I asked kissing Louis on the nose before getting up and walking over to the record player. I flipped through the vinyls and settled on The Kooks. As the record began Louis held up a plate of food for me with a smile. 

"Good non druggie music." He laughed as I sat down. He leaned into my body as we are, he told me about his day and I told him about filming and that I even made a flower crown. He laughed and told me he wanted to see it once we finished eating and to try on the jerseys. "Want to see a movie or get froyo?" Louis asked as he set his plate of empty food on the table. 

"My treat to both." I said looking over his head into his eyes. "I pick the movie as well." 

"Fine." He said sass laced in the word. "There is a French film playing over in Lincoln Park... If you want to go and see that." 

I pushed my lip together as if I was debating. Louis pushed himself up and kissed me as he gave me the puppy dog eyes. 

"Please?"

God he was so hot. 

"Fine." 

"Thanks love." He said as the words left his mouth as if it was natural. I said nothing but smiled as we both cleaned up and put the leftover food in the fridge before grabbing our coats and leaving. I shoved my hands into my coat pocket so I wasn't tempted to take Louis’s hand as we walked. 

_Puppies dying. Puppies dying_. I kept telling myself as to keep my boner at bay. 

***

“Harry…. Harry I’m dying.” Louis cried out as I sat up from my bed. I rubbed my eyes and saw that it was 2 in the morning. I leaned over and turned on the lamp on my bedside table and saw him curled up in a ball crying out in pain. Jumping out of bed I headed over to him. His face was red and he looked at me. He had been crying but not loud enough for me to hear. 

“What hurts.” 

Louis didn't say anything as my mind freaked and thought that he was holding where his appendix was. The last thing I wanted to do was call Rowan to bring him to hospital because of his appendix. I also didn't want to spend more time there it was bad when the nurses knew you by name. But my eyes traced down his hands and realized that he was holding his penis. “Louis what hurts.” I said again as he moaned out in pain. 

Curling up more into a ball I pulled his blankets off of him and tried to move his hands but he wouldn't let me. He just cried out and let out a few curse words while doing so. 

“Have you,” I paused not sure what term I should use with him. “Have you wanked off recently?” I knew what was causing his pain and it was simple. 

Louis opened his eyes and gave me a puzzled look. Clearing my throat I pushed my hair behind my ears and tried again not sure if I wanted to know the answer to this question but I needed to know. “Have you relieved any of the tension that might have built up between the two of us while we were snogging since we began?” 

“I didn't know that you had to.” He whimpered. He was like a child who had a cold pathetic and your heart broke for them. I laid my hand on his hip and kissed him gently on the temples. 

“Okay, one more question,” I said almost to myself. “Have you ever masturbated?” 

Louis shook his head head no. 

This threw me for a loop. I had words to say but they all seemed to fall flat in my brain before they could leave my mouth. _Okay. sex talk with a man who was 21 shouldn't be awkward. No. It should be - god not this was horrible_. Taking a deep breath I moved Louis’s hand away from his crotch and helped him sit up. “Okay, I need you to get down off the bed and you will get into the shower and you will do everything you need to relive this.” 

He looked upset that that was the only answer. 

“It’s that or you can get it all over your sheets or be in pain forever.” I said as he mumbled in French before I helped him down off the bed and we walked slowly into the bathroom. “Not even once looking at a playboy magazine or something?” 

“No. I didn't know people did that until I was in A levels and I never had the urge so I would just agree with that they said.” He told me as he leaned against the wall as I turned the shower on for him. “I mean I've googled it but Web MD always ends up telling you that you are dying of cancer so I didn't pay much attention to it.” He said. 

I waited for the water to run cold, hopefully that would help him. “Strip and take your time. I will make some tea.” I said as I was going to walk out Louis stopped me. “What?” 

“How.” 

_No_. I told myself as I stood there. This was stepping over a line and a line that I have wanted to step over since I laid on eyes on him. But I had to behave. Be good and not do this to him. “Louis…..” 

“It’s not sex. It’s helping me not be in pain.” He doubled over and my heart broke for him. 

_Shit are you really thinking about doing this Harry? I asked myself as I looked at Louis as he was almost begging me wit his eyes. Yes you are you daft bastard you are._ “Let me get my swimming costume on. Get naked.” I told him as I left the bathroom. _Okay, you are just taking a shower together and you are in your swimming costume. There is everything wrong about this but you are in the dorm and the dorm is a safe place where you can do this and it’s okay._ I laughed as I stripped from my jimjams. “You keep telling yourself that Harry,” I said to myself slipping on my black swimming costume and heading back into the bathroom. Here goes fucking nothing. I thought as I walked in and shut the door behind me. 

***

“Thank you,” Louis said as he sat in his bed, his hair wet and in clean jimjams bottoms. It had taken all of 15 minutes to relieve the pain. He had doubled over and dug his hands into my shoulder. He hadn't said anything after he finally came, nor did I. I just washed my hands in the water and made sure that he was okay and could stand. 

I ran the towel through my hair and looked up at him. “Now you know and it’s healthy. Just don’t go wanking happy on me okay.” I joked tossing my towel in the hamper. I needed to bring it to Rowan’s and do laundry there. “No sad faces.” I said walking over to Louis’s bed and climbing in. I laid against the wall as he slid down and I wrapped my arms around him. “What is going through your mind.” 

Louis shrugged as I kissed his shoulder. 

“Lou.” 

“I feel stupid. I should have known. I mean... It just never seemed like I needed to when I was younger and even when I started happening I was good as kind of just suppressing it. But then tonight it just got to a point that I couldn't." He said his eyes focused on the wall as he spoke. "It didn't feel bad."

I kissed him again on the shoulder. He was right it didn't feel bad for both parties but I kept my thoughts to myself, I didn't want to overload him or screw myself. 

“I feel like a fucking tosser.” He said defeated. 

“Don’t.” 

“But I do. Anyone else would have laughed at me Hazza. I’m 21 and never… I feel stupid.” 

“Don’t.” I told him again as I propped myself up on my elbow. “Louis so you never did before that doesn't mean you are stupid or a tosser. It means your father did a shit job being a father and you can let it all go. Don’t think I judged you for I had no idea what I was doing my first time and i got it all over my bed that I tried to wash my sheets before my mum knew that I flooded the washing machine and she found out anyway.” 

Louis laughed as I rested my forehead on his back. “That sucks.” 

“Yes, I make another amendment. If you have any questions on issues such as this one ask me before you are in so much pain and I fear it’s your appendix that is going to burst.” 

“Deal.” Louis told me before he turned around and looked at me. “Can you stay here for the night.” 

“Yes and no amendment is needed for this one.” I told him as I kissed his lips gently as he kissed me back before laying on his back and looking up at the ceiling. 

“Can you turn the light off?” 

And the moment had passed. Laughing I got up out of bed and turned off the light in the room before climbing back into his bed. I laid on my back next to him as we let the silence engulf us. Next weekend we had Thanksgiving and it meant we were that much closer to answers. None of which I was sure I was ready for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so first off I'm sorry the chapter wasn't up yesterday things came up and I wasn't by my laptop and then a sequel to a fic I read was posted and I had a major moment of excitement and then passed out from not sleeping for the past three days. 
> 
> So in this chapter there are a lot of Easter eggs to films and stuff and I wanted to explain them. 
> 
> 1) When Harry says "All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up." this is from a 1950 classic with William Holden and Gloria Swanson _Sunset Boulevard_ Like Harry and Rowan I'm a film nerd. I love it and I will sit for hours and discuss a film I see and pick it apart and it's so much fun. This is one of my favorite films that I've seen over my 24 years of life and it's creepy and sad and beautiful all at the same time. 
> 
> 2) Shot out to Jacq again for the amazing song choice for Harry's little drum solo and jam session in the woods with Rowan. I can always count on her for a good song
> 
> 3) _The Voorman Problem_ was a short that was up for a 2013 Oscar with Martin Freeman (John Watson in _Sherlock_ and Biblo in _The Hobbit_ films. It is 13 minutes and it's something that you have to sit and think about for a while. I watched it a good several times before I began to think about the meaning of it. It's a short film that should be watched. 
> 
> 4) The conversation about Lana Del Rey resembles the ones my boyfriend and I have. He has never cared for her and when do listen to her he calls her my 'drug music' (mind you I don't do drugs). So a lot of the banter between Louis and Harry was word for word banter my boyfriend and I have. 
> 
> 5) I had to do a shout out to _The Kooks_ because they put on a fucking amazing show Saturday Night and I was blow away and realized that I should have been listening to them more than the two songs that I had on my iPod (thank the music gods for Spotify!) 
> 
> Thank you all again for reading you are the best! I love when you guys comment it makes me smile and I will always reply asap! I will be writing as much as I can the next few days between packing and washing clothes. 
> 
> XO Vi


	13. thanksgiving [l.t & h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _It's important that we share our experiences with other people. Your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else. When you tell your story, you free yourself and give other people permission to acknowledge their own story || Iyanla Vanzant_

**[l.t]**

Folding my black jeans I tossed them into my duffel as Harry walked in. He had gotten up early and promised to be back and packed before we left with Rowan around 1.We had decided to head back to her house on Wednesday that way we could help with Thanksgiving and we would miss the traffic leaving the city, we also decided to come back on Sunday and enjoy the home cooked meals as long as possible. I was thrilled, her parents were people who always seemed to have a story to tell and lived lives that I wanted to live. But more than anything I was excited that I was going to be with Harry on his first Thanksgiving. As sily as the holiday was there was always good food, sports, beer and family. The Barton family had been my family for four years and would be for the rest of my life. Niall and I were their two additional sons and treated us like that which was good on most days. I had to finish packing since I had waited till last minute and had been told to do it last night so I wanted to make sure he didn’t have the opportunity to say that he told me so. 

I heard the dorm door open and Harry come in. He had been out shopping or something, I hadn’t been listening like I should have for I was still in bed when he left. “Hello love,” he said walking into the room with a smile on his face and shopping bags in his hand. “Why didn’t you pack your nice shirt?” He asked me as he looked over into the closet and I shrugged as Harry walked over to my bed, set the bags down and looked in my duffle. “Louis all you have are jeans and t-shirts.” 

“And…” I asked arching my brows as I pulled open a bag to see what was in there. Harry slapped my hand and I snarled at him. 

Harry gave me a look as he reached into the bag and handed me a new black cotton shirt, a white one and then a jean button up shirt as well as a nice black one and grey one with a grey jumper. “I don’t want you to change Lou hence the reason I went with basics but you need to have a bit more in your clothes. I got your sizes from your shirts and… did I step over a line? Lou why are you looking at me like that?”

I bit my bottom lip and laughed. “You went shopping for me?” 

“Yeah…. your black shirt was worn out and you can re-” Harry stopped talking as I placed my hands on his hips and pressed my lips up against his. “So that’s a no your not returning right?” He asked as I pressed my head against his. 

“Thank you.” I said kissing him one last time before folding up the clothes and packing them. Harry laid his hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze as he grabbed his bag and my mobile went off. Rowan was here and waiting for us. We turned off all the lights, unplugged the kettle and grabbed our bags and jackets before locking the dorm and heading down to the car. 

The campus was at a lull. A lot of the students had gone home early today or yesterday, there were just a few international students left on campus who weren’t going to fly home for three days to return. As we walked up to her car Rowan popped the boot and Niall waved in the back as Julia had her window down and was controlling them music. I took Harry’s bag and shoved both his and mine into the boot before getting into the back of the car. He was nice enough to sit in the middle as I got in, I shut the door and buckled my seat belt. Niall had given me a look as I looked up and saw that Rowan was white knuckling the steering wheel. Shaking his head I said nothing as she pulled away from the dorm and we headed on 55 and made our way to her house. Harry relaxed in his seat as he laid his hand on mine and I gave it a squeeze. I had told Julia about me and Harry and she had the same reaction that Rowan had but I knew she already knew since rowan has a big mouth but I didn’t mind neither did Harry. We hadn't really said how we were going to act off campus away from it all - but he usually followed my cue so I wasn’t to worried. 

“So what is the plan for the weekend?” Niall asked as I dug for a cigarette pulling it out of my pocket I grabbed my lighter and lit the end as I took a drag. 

“No.” Rowan hissed as she looked at me in her rear view mirror. I shrugged at her. 

“Put it out love,” Harry whispered to me as I took another drag and held the cigarette out the window. “Lou.” 

I roll my eyes but I could tell Rowan was on edge and Harry had given me a look and I flicked the smoke out the window and blew out the last of the smoke in my chest. Harry tapped my knee as silence fell on the car and Rowan drive. I was bored. The car ride wasn't long but it was boring and I wanted someone to talk so I could listen. Leaning across Harry I flicked Niall in the face and he let out a cry. Laughing I pressed my back against the door as Niall reached around the back of Harry and hit me over and over. 

"Abuse! Abuse!" I cried as Harry leaned forward and curled into a ball almost like a turtle would hide in his shell. 

"That's what you get your instigator!" Niall laughed as I went to hit Niall back but she moved to fast and my hat hit the seat. "Ha!" He laughed as I slapped his face laughing. 

"Save me...." Harry cried as he grabbed Julia arm. I was too busy trying to dodge Niall's next hit to notice Rowan has pulled over on the side of the highway. Turning around, "stop it now!" She yelled as Niall and I froze and Harry sat back up. She turned to me. "Behave for Harry's sake he might find that cute but it's annoying as fuck and don't fucking smoke!" She yelled reaching into my pocket and throwing my pack of cigarettes out the window. She then turned to Niall. "I can go without sex for a long time so stop acting like him." She told Niall as he opened his mouth she held her finger up. "No." Turning back around she took a deep breath in. "Keep him in like Harold or you get yelled at next" 

I bit my bottom lip as I knew Rowan never lost her temper like that. She was her father's daughter even tempered, would talk before yelling. She had a quiet soul the only thing that caused her to turn into a raging psycho like this was her sister in law. 

"She owes me a pack of smokes." I told Harry as he looked at me as to tell now wasn't the time to complain about about my smokes. "Sorry." 

He smiled I knew that face he wanted to give me a kiss but didn't. The car was silent again besides the music by WALK THE MOON Julia had settled on to listen to. 

"Martin and Shannon are coming." Rowan said breaking the silence as she pulled off for the exit to Downers Grove. "Sorry." 

"When did you find out?" Niall asked speaking finally after being reprimanded and denied sex. I found funny but he didn't. 

"Today. They surprised my mom and dad."

Harry looked at me confused why he was upset to see her family. It was easy to explain Shannon hated Rowan. Hated how she was open about her sexy life, voiced her opinions on equality and women's rights and that she challenged everything she believed in with actual questions and the fact she was never disrespectful. I hated her as much as Rowan did but I was use to people in my family be wankers. She was the typical republican, Christian, gun carrying, homophobic, Fox News watching human being. While she hated most of Rowan's family they accepted her beliefs as hers and never told her she was a daft idiot. 

"So I'm sorry if she makes comments Harry." 

He nodded his head. "At this point I'm use to it in life." He looked defeated that we wouldn't be able to snuggle or hold hands or sneak kisses. No he had to hide. "I'll be me and if she wants to have a healthy grown up discussion about my lifestyle verse hers I will gladly participate if not I might just excuses self from the room." 

"And we respect that." Rowan told him as we drove through the downtown area to get to her house. "My family doesn't judge. How my brother got her still baffles and pisses me off but I'm not going to give her the joy of proving her family I'm a bitch she makes me out to be." Rowan took a deep breath and we pulled onto her street and I watched Harry's eyes grow wide and his mouth drop a bit. 

I had told Harry Rowan came from money. And she did. Both her parents parents had money and her father had a very good psychiatric practice and her mother was a professor at a college a town over. They had renovated the house from top to bottom when Rowan was seven and she learned how to do a lot of handy work and that is why she is the way that she is. I held up Harry’s hand and gave it a kiss on the back before she parked in the driveway and turned off the car. 

“You can do this darling.” Niall said as he unbuckled his seatbelt and placed his hand on her shoulder. She nodded her head as I got out of the car and Harry followed with Julia. I wanted Niall to have a pep talk with her as we grabbed our bags from the boot of the car. 

“Harry when Shannon talks don’t take it personal. She is a death eater and wants to make you feel horrible about your life, so if you just sit there and not let her win then you did good. Her brother Martin isn’t bad. At least he wasn’t when he was younger but something happened when he went to college and he came back with Shannon and it went downhill for Rowan and Martin’s relationship. They were close. But it’s weird now.” 

“That’s terrible.” Harry said as Rowan got out of the car and smiled at us as I knew she was putting on a brave face. “We are here for you Ro.” 

“Thanks.” She told him grabbing her bag and we headed on into the house. The door opened and her mother greeted us with hugs. While Rowan was her father’s child she looked like her mother and wore most of her clothes from when she was growing up as her grandmothers. “Mom this is Harry,” she said as Harry held out his hand and shook her hand. 

“Oh darling come here,” she said pulling him into a hug and Harry smiled. He was a hugger and he always enjoyed when he found another hugger. “Now you boys will be up in the attack since Shannon is here I don’t want to cause a stir so you two are in Ro’s room.” 

“Sounds good,” I told Florence as she gave me a hug. “Thank you again for having us.” 

She smiled as she pulled Niall into a hug as well. “You are always welcome. Come in, get settled Benji went to go and pick up Alice and Doug from the airport and Sam is going to rent a car since he gets in around 9.” She explained to us as we headed on into the house. 

Our feet moved across the dark hardwood floors as Rowan didn’t even think about saying hello to her brother or sister in law as she showed us up the steps and down the hallway. Julia went to her best friends old bedroom and she pointed up the steps as we headed up to the attack. As we reached the top I pushed the door open and showed a fully furnished room. It housed a bunk bed with a queen on the bottom and twin on the top. There was a small TV and chair with a bookcase along with a small desk. The window overlooked the backyard. 

“Hazza and I will take the bottom.” I told Niall as he set his bag on the couch and went to hang up his clothes in the closet. He nodded and shrugged not making a big deal about my comment which I was grateful for. I usually let my clothes in the bag bug decided to take out the new ones that Harry had gotten me and hang them up so they didn’t get wrinkled. Once that I was done I kicked my duffle under the bed and fell down on my back onto the bed. “I need to get some smokes and before you say no and give me the speech I actually need them for this weekend to survive Shannon.” 

“She is really that bad?” Harry asked as I sat up and looked up at him. He was going to get eaten alive by her is he didn’t get some walls up and was ready to be rude back to her. “I will get you some. I wanted to go and explore that downtown area I saw a bookstore.” 

“Okay let’s go.” I said as Niall held up his hands. 

“Oi! I am right here you two love birds go get the girls and we can leave I think the less time in the house will be the wisest thing for us at this point.” Niall said as he grabbed his sunglasses and billfold. We left our room and headed down to the second level as the girls were leaving their bedroom. Rowan looked like she either had been crying or had a spliff. Both were possible but she didn’t smell so I said nothing as we headed down the steps. I looked around to see where Martin and Shannon where. 

“They went to Naperville so I would leave before they get back,” Florence told us as she walked out of the kitchen. “Dinner is Chinese and will be at 7 so come back by 6:45 please.” 

“We will mom.” Rowan said as she gave her mother a hug and kissed her on the cheek. “We are just going to walk around town and possible lose ourselves at Anderson’s Bookstore.” With that we all headed on out of the house and went walking towards the downtown area. I watched as Niall laced his fingers with Rowan without asking and they kept on walking. Julia was on her phone and then slid it into her back pocket as her and Rowan talked about a few books they wanted to get to read over Christmas Holiday. Glancing down at my hand I saw that Harry had his hanging by his side as he laughed at a stupid joke Niall told. My eyes looked up as he had his hat, sunglasses and his all black outfit on. He caught my look and smiled at me, his dimples showing and I felt my stomach do a few flips. It was so easy for them to love without even thinking Rowan and Niall would hold hands. 

Reaching over I took my hand and laced my fingers with Harry’s hand as we walked. I thought he would pull away but he stepped closer to me as we walked and gave it a squeeze. I looked out of the corner of my eyes as I saw a dimple as he smiled. Such a smile action and he was happy, which made me inside happy. No one looked, pointed or made comments as we walked. No one cared. Niall opened up the door for Anderson’s and we walked in I never let go of Harry’s hand. 

***

**[h.s]**

I wanted to move but my body seemed to be pinned down on the bed. Pushing my hair away from my face I opened up my eyes to see a pair of legs tangled up with mine, a set of arms wrapped around my waist and a head of a man I cared about was almost burrowed into my chest. I slipped my left hand free and rolled over a bit to get a better look at sleeping Louis. Brushing his hair from his face I wanted to lay there and watch him sleep. My body still wanted to sleep but my brain was on full speed already and my stomach was dying for food to soak up the remaining alcohol left from playing Quidditch beer pong. 

Last night had been long for many reasons. Shannon hasn't said much but gave looks. Rowan's eldest brother was a riot and he and Louis fed off each other and I was in stitches. Doug and Alice were nice. She was quiet but had great one liners and then there was Sam who was loud and smart. Rowan's parents were the perfect example of love and I wanted that, and I understood where Rowan gotten all of her amazing traits. 

As I watched Louis sleep I had this tingle in my chest. I wanted a life with him and I had for a while. I had kept that to myself but when he took my hand it made a statement. He wasn't hiding and he felt something more than snogging in our dorm room. He looked peaceful lying there and I didn't want to wake him. Our bodies tangled up in this bed feels so natural. I moved my head and kissed him gently on his temple. I watched as his chest moved up and down. The house smelt of turkey, and stuffing and all other amazing food that I was excited to eat. 

I laid in the bed as I heard Niall moving in the bed and get down. He headed out and left me and Louis to be alone. I didn't even know what time it was. Reaching on the ground I grabbed my mobile and checked the time. It was 10:50 and I had a few texts, Twitter notifications and a few emails. Ignoring the phone I set it back down and rolled into Louis. 

“Stop moving….” Louis mumbled as he moved closer into my body. 

I kissed him as I saw his lips smile. “Do you want me to go and get tea?” 

“No. Shannon. Talking. Stay.” He said as he poked me and I laughed. “But there is doughnuts.” 

God he was like Niall at tea with food. I looked at him as I pressed my lips together. “How the bloody hell do you know that?” 

“Tradition.” Louis laughed. “But Shannon might have taken the kids and Martin to church.” 

“That is a thing?” I asked him as Louis laughed as he sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Reaching down I handed him his glasses and his mobile as he leaned over and kissed me on the lips. “Breakfast?” 

He nodded as he climbed over me and headed towards the door. He was such an ass but I couldn’t help but love him for it. I grabbed my mobile and headed on out of the room as Louis stood in the hallway for me. We headed on down and in the kitchen Rowan sat there in her leggings and Niall’s old shirt. Julia sat next to her in short and a hockey jersey. 

“We have hot water for tea,” Benjamin said as Louis and I took a seat along with her brothers and Alice. “Doughnuts and other pastries.” 

“Thank you,” I said as Benjamin smiled at me and Louis made my tea and I got us breakfast. I didn’t think anything of this, it was habit how Louis and I acted with each other. We were a well oiled machine and never had to ask questions we just knew what the other would need or want. I was worried that they would make a comment but nothing. 

“So Harry just to get the elephant out of the room before the death eater returns,” Riker, Rowan’s eldest brother said as he set down his cup of coffee. “You are gay.” 

“Yes.” 

“Cheers.” He said holding up his mug. “I didn’t want to assume like I assumed Louis had a sexaul preference.” 

“I’m sue that is what your last one night stand said.” Louis bit back with a smile as Rike held out his fist and Louis pounded it. “Do you need help with dinner?” 

“No, Shannon said she is going to help when she gets home and wants Ezra to learn.” Florence said as she leaned against the wall and held her cup of coffee. “I mean she is nine and should be enjoying the nice day and asking stupid questions about football. Plus if I need extra hands I have Benji.” 

“Thank ma,” Rowan laughed as Niall kissed the temple of her head. “Niall likes my cooking.” 

“His only other option is the cafeteria.” Riker joked as Rowan stuck up her middle finger before she rolled it back down as she heard the front door and her brother and sister in law walked in with the kids. She didn’t look at Riker as she buried her face into Niall’s shoulder and a laugh escaped from his mouth as I grabbed Louis’s knee and tried not to laugh as she walked into the kitchen. Her blonde hair was down and perfect as she wore nice trousers and a jumper. 

“Good morning.” 

“Hey sis.” Sam said as he held up his coffee. “Hey Nialler why don’t we spice this breakfast up and have coffee the Irish way?” 

I knew at this point Sam was just pushing buttons but Niall held out his mug as Rowan and Julia joined in. I kept mine alcohol free as did Louis. I felt Shannon roll her eyes as she turned to her mother in law. Florence smiled at her and said she would get dressed and they would start on pretting. Martin turned on a telly and I sat there and watched a family coping with someone who truly hated them. I finished my breakfast and helped clean up before getting another cup of coffee before going to shower and change for the day. Louis had headed on up to shower as I talked a bit with Julia as Ezra walked into the kitchen and she looked at me. I saw her eyes light up she skipped over to me and sat down next to me on the bench at the table. 

“I like your hair Mr. Harry.” 

“I like yours,” I said as she bobbed her blonde spiral curls. 

“Can I make yours pretty?” She asked and there was something about her green eyes that I couldn’t say no. I know her mother wouldn’t like it but I don’t think children should be subjected to society and how they view gender roles. I wanted kids and I wanted them to know that gender is fluid and moving and that you are never one thing or another. “Please Mr. Harry!” 

“Okay, how about I go and shower and then my hair will be nice and clean.” 

Ezra smiled and wrapped her arms around my neck giving me hug. She ran off to get her hair stuff as I got up from the table and headed up to shower finally. I was worried that Shannon was going to stop me and yell at her daughter but I don’t think Ezra told her mother her plans yet. Louis winked at me as he slapped my ass and headed up to the room in his boxers and a t-shirt. I hated this man so much at times. Following him up to the room I grabbed my bag with toiletries and clothes to change into. I knew that my shower was going to be short for other people had to as well. I just needed a good seven minutes and I would be fine. I jogged down the steps and saw Ezra in a bedroom as she looked up at me. 

“When you are done come to the kitchen and salon E will be open!” She sang out. 

“I can’t wait,” I told her as posh as I could before locking the bathroom door behind me. I turned the shower on and waited or the water to get warm - Louis was horrible with his showers and they would last over an hour and there would never be hot water left. Sometimes there was no cold water either. I stripped from my pajamas and hopped in. The water felt good on my body and I moaned as the water was lukewarm. Louis was going to pay for this…. Washing my hair I thought that maybe tonight wouldn’t be bad. Shannon hadn’t said anything, Martin kept to himself. Maybe I wouldn’t have to give my battle speech I usually give when I go places. Maybe just maybe this once the whole conversation would be saying yes that I was gay and they just leave it at that. Maybe was all good but there was something in my gut that knew different. I ran my hands through my hair as all the shampoo fell around my feet. I washed the rest of my body before turning off the water. 

Drying off my hair off and my body I put a brush through it and was about to slip on my clothes as I looked up at the mirror. It had a message on it. 

_H,_  
Keep a smile today love. I’m always here to help you but I won’t fight your fights   
L 

I tried to suppress my smile but there was something about this gesture. I knew that he had been watching ‘FRIENDS’ but these things were more than I knew he realized. Biting my bottom lip I took my towel and wiped the mirror before getting my black skinny jeans on with my white and thin black striped shirt. Tucking it in I buttoned it up halfway before gathering my things and left the shower. I made my way back up and put away my clothes and slid my socks on my feet before heading down to the kitchen. Ezra sat there as she packed up her things. 

“What happened to Salon E?” I asked her as Louis stood there pouring himself another cup of coffee. 

“Salon E is only for females.” Shannon said walking into the kitchen and looking at me. “I would mind if you respected this.” 

My blood boiled as I stood there, my hands formed into fists as I counted to ten and waited for the anger to pass but I saw the hollow look in her soul. She was a death eater. I watched as Ezra hung her head and went to put her stuff away. I stood there as Shannon smiled and went back to where she was cooking. I said nothing but grabbed a beer and headed over to where the telly was and the football game was on. I didn’t want to watch, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to I took my beer and headed out the front door and took a seat on the porch. Setting the beer down I pressed the palms of my hands over my eyes. I listened as the door opened and I watched as Louis’s bare feet and rolled up jeans sat down next to me. 

“Death Eater.” He said sipping his coffee. “I can do your hair.” 

“Piss off.” I said nudging him as he laughed. “I don’t know how a person can be like that. Her daughter wanted to do my hair not for any other reason then I have long hair and she wanted to braid it. I wont ever discourage my daughter or son from doing that when I have kids.” 

“You want kids?” Louis asked me. 

“Yeah. Once I’m done with Uni settle down with a man I love and have time the two of us and then after three years look into adoption.” I explained picking up my beer and taking a sip. “Do you want kids?” 

“If I’m with the right person. Yes.” Louis told me as he laid his head on my shoulder. “Thanks for the shirt.” 

“Thank you for wearing them.” I said as I noticed he had put on the white shirt and the jean button up on. “Dinner is going to be hell.” 

“Yep.” 

“Thank you for the note in the shower.” 

“That was okay?” 

“It was perfect love.” I said kissing the top of his head as my body froze, but Louis didn’t seem to mind. He set his coffee cup down and took the beer from my hand and took a sip before handing it back to me. “I might as well get viking drunk for tonight.” 

“I’m ahead of you. Irish coffee is the best.” 

Laughing I picked up the mug and smelt it before handing it back to Louis who was laughing as I took a sip of my beer. 

***

**[l.t]**

I feared dinner. Everyone feared dinner. Shannon was a ticking time bomb and we all danced around her hoping that weren’t the ones who stepped on her to detonate it having everyone it’s path getting hit by the shrapnel. We had spent the day laying around the couches watching football on and off while talking mostly. Rowan had her camera out and was capturing the holiday like she did every year. I laid with my legs across Harry’s lap as we sat on the couch. Riker was talking to us about his life and ridiculous stories that sounded like things Rowan and Julia would do. Around 3 Florence called for us to help set the table and get out the wine, beer and water for dinner. The food went on the island in the kitchen as we would eat buffet style which was easier with all these people. 

There was a whole turkey, steak, chicken, stuffing, mashed potatoes, corn, broccoli, salad, bread, cranberry sauce (fresh and canned) sweet potatoes, cheese potatoes and a few other types of pasta salads. I filled my plate knowing what I was going to go back for seconds before sitting down next to Harry and Julia Rowan sat at the end with Niall next to her and Rike beside him. I should see Shannon and her eyes narrowed in on me and Harry. 

"You know it's against the law to drink under 21." She commented at Harry as she took a seat and placed her napkin over her lap. “You don’t want to end up in jail.” I rolled my eyes as Rowan looked confused 

"He is fine." Benjamin said as he raised his glass. "To a wonderful holiday spent with family may we all be thankful for everything in our life and learn to cherish it before it's gone." I clinked the glass with Harry's before cutting into the steak. 

The normal dinner conversation was brought up that wasn't touched on last night. Talked about future wedding bells for Doug and Alice. Both seemed to know they would end up married it was just when he would pop the question. Martin asked if Sam had moved on from Hayley and he covered Ezra’s eyes as he flicked off his brother. They talked about Niall’s plan with his theater and business degree. He talked about maybe starting up a record label or going in with a film production company with Rowan. Ezra told us that she wanted to be a doctor when Shannon smiled and corrected her telling her that she should be a nurse that was more of what girls did. I placed my hand on Harry’s knee and he held his lip from saying anything. This is what Shannon thrived on and I had learned the hard way my first thanksgiving when I almost combusted with anger at her. 

"Voici ce qu'elle veut." I whispered to Harry as he relaxed a bit and went back to eating his chicken. I kept my hand on his knee for a few more seconds before I had to cut my steak. Benjamin was talking to us about some story about when he was younger and thanksgiving with his parents. He said that they had money but since his parents didn’t want him to be sucked into society they would spend their thanksgiving having an open house for those less fortunate where they could come and get a meal and a warm place to eat it as well as food to go. 

“People always thought that hippies were these people who wanted to say screw the establishment when my parents felt that way, they knew the only way for change was to be the start. I never knew how much money my father had in the bank that was left to him by his father who was a wealthy investor. I just thought this is what the holiday was about it wasn’t until I met Florence that I realized people did the whole sit down and say what they were thankful for. It was like I was in a movie the first time.” He laughed taking a sip of his beer. 

"Speaking of change, did you see that more states are now allowing same sex marriage. It’s appalling to think our country is going down hill and so fast.” Shannon said as she cut a piece of her turkey. She didn’t know her audience as I knew that everyone that sat around this table were pro equality be it with woman, same sex marriage and race. “Thoughts?” 

"Jesus...." Rowan said under her breathe as she grabbed her wine and downed the rest of the glass before getting up to get another one. 

"Excuse me." Shannon said looking at her. "Adult conversation." 

"If you are going to use the fact that Fox provided then no it's not and can we not. Just let us have a nice meal." Rowan said pouring her glass and sitting back down at the table. 

"What do you think Harry?" 

"Me?" He asked swallowing his food. "I think that this isn’t the best dinner conversation to have." He deflected nicely. "Have any of you been to London?" He asked as Riker shot his hand up in the air. 

"Work related and it was amazing! Every pub I went to had the best beer and French fries." He told him as Shannon stirred in her seat. "Rowan went last summer with Louis and Niall and came back a changed woman." 

"I learned to enjoy beer he means and finally got what I hear is a phrase 'Viking drunk'." She laughed. "It was a great trip Jules joined us for half of it when in London." She kept the story short and sweet since most of the night's all we had to remember was from pictures and videos that were forever hidden away and only watched when we needed a good lark. 

"Dating anyone Harry?" Shannon asked. 

I watched as his jaw clenched and he grabbed my hand under the table. "No, I went on a date but it wasn't the best. I figure I would focus on my studies and I've got an amazing group of friends so I'm never bored." 

Shannon dropped the subject as dinner went on. Sam talked about work, Doug brought up travels he had planned down south and Riker said he was planning on moving up to Seattle for a while. Rowan talked about the internship in Chicago she was applying to for the summer and Niall made a comment that sounded as if he was going to propose to her soon. I made a few comments and talked about this upcoming footie season. Joshua talked about footie and that he likes that better than American football but said he had to play football over soccer due to his mother request. She looked proud about that which made me sick. She was the female version of my father and it made me sick to my stomach to think about. 

After dinner we all pitched in to bag the food finding froom in the fridge as well as clean the dishes and load the dishwashers before Florence got out the desserts and stuff to make s’mores. Rowan started the coffee pot as her brothers went to get everything to head outside and enjoy the beautiful fall evening. Harry handed me a cup of coffee as Samuel came running into the kitchen with a beer in his hand and a mad look in his eyes.

"I Samuel Jason Barton shall now go and start the bonfire for s'mores!" Sam called out as he held up a lighter and lighter fluid. I was curious to if he himself would end up on fire but Benjamin took it away from him and walked to the in ground fire pit and the chairs around it. Rowan and Julia brought out everything for the s'mores as Niall had the basket of outdoor blankets for us to use. 

I claimed a seat as Harry sat next to me and the rest followed. Florence turned on some classic oldies as Benjamin began to build the fire. Shannon kept a close eye on is as she got the kids sticks ready and told them how to perfectly make a s'more. 

"Let them do it how they want." Martin said frustrated. Shannon pressed her lip together and looked at him as if he had just said 'fuck' "their kids." 

"One s'more so if you burn it and don't like it complain to your father." She said as Ezra shrugged and waited for the flame to begin. Shannon was my father and it pained me to see the kids slipping away from her and Marrin all due to her controlling and manipulative talk. I wanted to shake her and ask if she wanted her kids like me and if not to stop being the way she was. 

"What is a s'more?" Harry asked with a whisper as I looked over at Julia who say up tall. 

"A s'more my dear friend from England is a gramcrack like such," she said held one up. "You break it in half and then depending on your choosing you can either put chocolate, or for those of us who aren't peasants or have a peanut allergy you can put this. A peanut butter cup."

"Then," Rowan said as she took a stick and stuck a marshmallow on the end. "You place this white ball of joy on the end and you hold it over the flame, while some people, Niall-" she shot a look at him as he covered his face. "Like their marshmallow as black as the night sky the proper way is to keep rotating the marshmallow so it starts to gain this gold brown color as such." Rowan said as she pulled the stick from the fire. "Then, either by yourself or the help of a friend you slid the marshmallow off the stick and between the cracker and chocolate of your choice." She pressed down as the marshmallow flattened and handed it to Harry. 

"Welcome to America!" Riker sang out as we all laughed. 

"That was a brilliant demonstration from the both of you. Just fantastic!" Harry laughed as he took a bite and we watched as his face looked like his mouth was filled with pleasure. Swallowing he licked the marshmallow off his fingers and gave the girls a thumbs up. 

"Now everyone can have some," Doug joked as the sticks were passed around along with the ingredients. Harry finished off his and decided to go for another one with just chocolate this time around. 

"So Harry." Shannon said as her kids sat down with their one and only s'more. "Why did you choose film to study?" 

"It's one of the best forms of media to express one's opinion. You can capture a single idea and show it for the mass who might not understand a certain event, or know of it at all." 

"So political reasons?" 

"Social to. If filmmakers can open the doors and the eyes of people to people not like them so they can understand and not be so prejudice then I feel the world will be better." Harry explained to her. "It's about awareness and knowledge. If you assume you know the right way to live or the right God to worship you might be right for your own life but there are millions of people out there who feel the same way about their gods and lifestyle." 

I watched him handle himself with grace. I knew he had prepared a lot of this for today, but as he spoke I listened. He was right about everything he talked about, funny enough Rowan had said similar things to me and I thought she was daft. But she wasn't. They wanted to change the world- or a single life. Both held the same weight in their eyes and bodies. 

"What lifestyles would you portray in your films?" 

"Shannon." Martin said but she held her hand up to his face. 

"All kinds. Fictional, non-fictional. I don't see why I would need to define the way society does the lifestyles when there is more fluidity in life then box a and box b and box c." 

"But you. Where do you fall?" 

"Why do you care?" I asked before I could stop myself. "I'm sorry but all night you have made comments trying to get Harry to confirm or deny an assumption about himself. Why does it matter. Will you look less at him if he gives you one answer over the other? Does it bother you that much Shannon that you have to sit there and pass judgement on my life, Harry's, your sister in laws, your in laws? Are you that unhappy that you want others to feel the same pathetic sadness you do?" 

Everyone was silent as I spoke. I didn't yell, I wasn't going to swear I wanted to know. All the eyes fell on my as I was going to stop. I sat up straight and looked at her in the eye showing no fear as I felt that I was going to piss myself at any moment. 

"Harry... Harry is an amazing man who just wanted your daughter to play with his hair. Why? Because she sees hair she doesn't see these rules and imaginary right and wrongs you see. My sisters played with my step dads hair. I mean- hell they played with mine. You build these walls for your children it hurts them. You shove them into boxes that they might not belong in only to have them stop feeling and turn into robots almost. What Harry does in his private life is none of your business. And you need to stop treating him like a second class citizen when you are the one who looks like the uneducated person with their head stuck in the sand."

Shannon sat there and just looked at me. My chest felt as if it was going to explore and I was going to black out. I was facing the biggest demon in my life and even though she wasn’t my father I saw his face next to hers and with every word I spoke with clarity and power the hold he had on my life grew smaller and smaller and I was suddenly back in controll of my life and heart. 

"What gives you the right to speak to me like that?" She asked stuttering as she wasn’t sure how to handle an adult conversation. 

"Because I grew up in a house like yours so every bloody right." I said as Harry grabbed my hand and I sat there. I wasn't backing down. She wasn't going to win. I was sick of people like her, like my father winning. It took me 22 fucking years and I wanted my life to be mine again.   
Shannon turned and looked at Martin for help but he just looked at his wife. She looked around and saw that I was correct. She looked a fool. Getting up she headed into the house. I counted to ten I knew that Martin would follow.

"Time for bed." He said as he gathered his kids and headed into the house. I sat there not sure if I wanted to look at Harry. I feared I crossed the line but I was sick of it. He didn't need to explain himself to anyone else he wanted to. Without saying a word I was about to stand up and flee when Harry pulled me down. 

"I haven't finished my s'more and neither have you." He said smiling at me as he took a bite. I wasn't in trouble, which was new for me whenever I spoke up I usually put my foot in my mouth. 

"Okay are not going to give it up for Lou?" Riker asked as he clapped for me. "That was the best shut down ever mainly since you did it with such pazzaz." 

I didn't feel good. I felt horrible. I wanted a smoke but I promised Rowan I wouldn't. My hands twitched as the adrenaline left and I began to realize what happened. I was getting into my head and needed to stop. 

"Walk?" Harry asked me as he finished off his s'more and looked at me. I nodded as we both stood up and headed towards the front of the house. The sun was setting and I didn't know where we were going to walk to. "Would you be able to leave the front door open for us?" Harry asked Florence as she nodded and he walked next to me in silence. 

***

**[h.s]**

I watched Louis light his smoke and his body seemed to relax a bit. I had no idea where to go but he needed to walk, clear his head and smoke. I hated it but he needed it, I didn’t want him get frazzled and spinning out of control. After this pack, I would help him stop for his health and footie season coming up. Shoving my hands into my jean pockets we walked down the street in silence. I watched as a few families said goodbye and packed up their cars to head back home. The sun was setting and the sky was shades of pinks and oranges, the clouds looked as if they were painted and unreal. 

Louis flicked the butt of his smoke on the ground as he pulled out another one. Sticking it between his lips he lit the end of it and took a drag. The last thing I need was him to chain smoke the entire pack and end up taking him to hospital with nicotine poisoning. I wanted to talk to Louis or just have me talk for I didn’t want him to think he was wrong in what he did. He was far from wrong. As we came to the end of the street there was a park, I took Louis’s hand and led him over to where the picnic table was. I got on the top and laid down as my face looked up to the sky which was turning black and the stars were coming out. There was still hints of the pastel colors but it was soon engulfed into black and Louis and I were alone with no one around the voices of everyone was gone. Louis climbed up and laid down next to me on the table. He laid his head next to mine and I reached over and took his hand as he used the other to smoke. I watched as the smoke left his lips and disappeared into the sky. I needed him to speak first, I wanted Louis to know that he could talk first and talk about his feelings without me guiding him. 

“I’m sorry.” He said almost in a whisper. I turned my head and looked at him as he kept his eyes on the sky. I watched his lips curve around the cigarette and take a drag, his hand dropped to the side of the table. 

“Why are you sorry?” I asked him curious to see where his mind was at this moment. 

He took one last drag before putting the smoke out on the picnic table and clicking it to the ground. Louis turned his head as his eyes were filled with tears, he was holding back from crying. His jaw was clenched as I watched him swallow before he spoke. “I don’t want to fight your battles but I couldn’t let her say that,” his voice shook as he closed his eyes and I watched a few tears fall down the side of his face. “I had to do. I never stood up to my father and he turned me into this monster and I - I don’t want people attacking you ever Harry. I will never stand by when they are coming at you. Ever.” 

I took my right hand and wiped the tea from Louis’s eye. “What you did took a lot of courage and strength. More than I have Louis and I am proud of you. You said that from love and I know that you don’t believe in love and all the fluff but it was love and I,” I felt my own voice cracking as I cupped his face. “I want to thank you for defending me in a very respectful way. You are more of a man than your father and you are brilliant.” I laughed as I felt tears escaping my own eye. “I know when you said those words they were for your father and one day he will understand and when he does I will be there with you when you tell him.” 

Louis pressed his lips together as I watched him close his eyes to keep the tears from falling. I watched him for several moments before he opened up his eyes, there were bloodshot and his face was flushed. "I hated him for a long time. Wished him death but seeing Shannon I feel sorry for them. The fact they will never- never know that how I feel at this moment is the best I've ever felt." 

I was speechless. I pressed my head on Louis's shoulder as he kissed the top of my head. I could smell the cigarettes on him but it felt like home. I knew I was getting his new shirt wet with the tears from my eyes but I was more than proud of him. I had never been able to face those who hurt me the most in my family either. 

"You know we walked here without shoes." Louis laughed as I looked down at our feet. I hadn't even noticed or thought of to get them. Laughing I rolled into my back as my eyes looked up at the stars. "Maybe the universe isn't all that fucked up and knows what it's actually doing." 

"I agree." 

"Harry." 

"Hmm." I said as I turned my head and looked at him. Louis said nothing, he took his hand and cupped my face as he kissed me gently. My hand rested on his hip as I pressed my forehead against his. He smiled up at me and I knew we would be okay. "We should get back." 

"In a bit." Louis said as he rested his head in my chest. "I want this for a little longer." 

"We can wait as long as you need darling."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEW CHAPTER!!!!! *happy dance* 
> 
> 1) I drew on actual conversations that have happened at my aunts at thanksgiving (my family are basically the character of shannon and it drives me mental!)   
> 2) Viking drunk is a shot out to my friend Steve who explained to me the different levels of drunk while also acting them out. 
> 
>  
> 
> I want to also thank you all for reading and commenting. It means the world to me that people are enjoying what I do for therapy and relaxation. You all are the best and I wish I could give you all hugs *hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*. I hope that you all enjoy this chapter and it was hard for me to write for nothing seemed right but after watching _The Last Five years_ and then _Dirty Dancing_ helped me get my feels on and hope that it worked *covers eyes*. I'm not the biggest romantic in my own life so I had to dig deep for these type of chapters (my poor boyfriends pokes fun at me for it all the time). 
> 
> Please comment and kudo 
> 
> love you all! Keep being amazing and beautiful and embracing you! 
> 
> XO Vi


	14. alive [l.t & h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I'd burn it down, I'd light it up, For you, I'd risk it all. I'd rather crash, I'd rather crawl. Than never have your love at all. With only bricks to break my fall. For you, I'd risk it all || The Vamps (Risk It All)_

**[l.t]**

The cold winter air of Chicago filled my lungs as my feet hit the pavement as I ran across campus to get to Rowan. The sky was grey and the fog of the city covered the tops of the buildings making the city feel shorter and I felt bigger. My hands were frozen for I didn’t have time to put my gloves on, they were still sitting in Rowan’s flat when I took off running. I felt the tears from my eyes running down the side of my face and they seemed to freeze on my face from the freezing cold. My lungs felt as if they were going to collapse and my knees were going to give out but I was going to reach her. 

It had been two weeks since we got back from Thanksgiving and things with Harry had been different. Good different. When we got back to the dorm Harry knew, there was no more dancing around my father but he didn’t dwell on it either. We kissed more than we used to, touched each other but not in the perverted way. His hand would linger on my shoulder or when we sat on the couch I would put my legs across his lap and he would rest his hands on them. We slept in the same bed most nights but with finals he was up late and I would be on the couch usually fell asleep there and woke up with a blanket on me or in my bed somehow. 

I felt different. I felt closer with Harry and it didn’t frighten me, or make me want to run. I wanted to stay close to him and the fact that in eight days Harry was getting on a plane to go home for Holiday break and I was going to be going back to Downers Grove with Rowan. Niall had decided last minute that he was going to go home for the first part of break but he would come back for New Years Eve. Julia was going to be spending it with us since her mother and father would be at her brother and sister in law’s in Texas and that was anything but Christmas to her. 

I was getting close as I began to weave in and out of the students leaving their final class until finals. I pushed past a few until I saw Ro, her hair was pulled back and she had on a hat with her black pea coat which was buttoned all the way up with a scarf wrapped tight around her neck. 

“Ro!” I yelled as she stopped and turned to me. “Rowan I need you to use this.” I said my frozen hand reaching into my pocket as I pulled out a flash drive and handed it to her. “For your video.” 

“What the hell are you trying to pull?” She asked me laughing. 

“Please.” I begged her as I held up the flash drive closer to her face. “If you never do anything for me ever again do this for me.” 

Rowan took a deep breath in and her gloved hand and took the flash drive and slipped it into her coat pocket. “You are lucky I didn’t finish your part yet. That was on tonights agenda.” She remarked with an arched brown behind her glasses. “What is it.” 

“What I needed to say.” 

She stood there toe to toe with me as I watched as she tried not to smile. Shoving her hands into her coat pocket she nodded before turning on her way and heading to catch a bus back to her flat. Turning my head up I looked up at the sky as the snow fell on my face. That was done and now to walk back to the dorm. My legs hurt and hands felt tingling as if there was needles pricking them as they grew colder. Turning on my heels I headed back, I had left Harry as he practiced his speech for his final film project as well as I had been helping him with his French final and ignoring the paper I had to write still for my 1960’s class and I had a mathematics final but that wouldn’t be too hard - it was basic math that I could do in my sleep thankfully. 

I wanted to beg Harry to stay. I felt bad, I knew he missed his mum, stepfather and sister. But I had grown so use to him around everyday that I wasn’t sure how to function without him around. Without him humming in the morning, or making me tea, correcting me when I use the wrong words when trying to communicate. Kissing him whenever I wanted to. Playing with his hair, or having him draw on my back with his finger. Tracing over his tattoos and kissing them and telling him that one day we would get matching ones. 

Pulling out my ID I made my way into the dorm and headed up the steps. I had eight days to spend with Harry but we were had finals which hindered our time together - intruded in on our lunches, and dinners, talks with tea, even me playing fifa and Harry on his computer or writing in his journal. I was going to die this break. Physically die. Not to mention I was going to have to spend my birthday without him. 

The door was open for Harry knew that I would be returning, I pushed it open as Harry was taking practicing his presentation. I hung up my jacket and toed off my vans as I rubbed my hands together as they began to thaw out. I walked in as Harry stopped and looked up at me with a grin on his face. “Hey darling,” He said as I walked over and put the kettle on to help warm up my body. “Where did you go to this morning?” 

“Finals stuff,” I told him as he walked over and his warm hand touched my face. “I should have dressed warmer.” 

“Yes,” he laughed kissing my nose. “I think I’m ready for finals.” he told me as he grabbed two mugs and motioned for me to sit down. “You need to work on your paper.” 

I rolled my eyes as i saw his suitcases were out and he had started to pack. 

“It won’t be long. Just holiday break and then I will be back and you will be all moody and broody and we can have a nice snog before classes began again,” He laughed as he walked over to me and wrapped his arms around my waist and I wrapped my arms around his neck. “You know I should be furious with you.” 

“Why?” I asked furrowing my brow at him. 

“You’re birthday is the 24th and you properly failed to mention that to me.” Harry said as I looked down at my socked feet his his bare ones. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

I shrugged. “It’s just a birthday.” 

“You are turning 22 Lou and it should be celebrated,” he told me as he took his hand and lifted my chin. “Dinner, tonight. You pick the place, you drink, I don’t and we order whatever you want and get every dessert on the menu.” 

I looked at him confused. “Seriously?” 

Harry laughed as he kissed him on the lips. “Yes you mad man. Now get to working on your paper or I will revoke your birthday dinner and make you eat cafeteria food.” 

I grimaced at the thought. I kissed him once more on the lips before his hands fell and I went to grab my laptop and headed to my desk. Harry had slipped on a record as I got to work. The paper was simple, but I didn’t want to do it that was the issue. That was always the issue with me and papers. But I wanted dinner. I wanted to put on a shirt that Harry got me and dress nice and celebrate my birthday. Have Harry dress up and wear his hat. I truly loved that hat he wore. 

“Lou.” 

“Yeah.” 

“I’m going to miss you two when I’m back home.” 

My lips twitched as I looked at my computer screen and typed away. 

***

 **[h.s]**

I never thought that I wouldn’t want to go home. I mean I did. I wanted to see my mum and give her a hug and have her tell me I need to eat more. I wanted to see my sister and swap music and stay up all night talking about our latest crushes and life. I even wanted to see my stepfather and have coffee in the morning with him as we talked about my studies and even Louis. They all knew how I felt about him, I didn’t mention the agreement we had. But I did say I think he felt the same way but he had never been in a relationship. My mother didn’t ask many questions, my sister got a cheeky smile on her face and my step father laughed as he knew it was going to be a long holiday. 

Turning in my French final I left the classroom with a smile. I was free. I had finished my first term of Uni in the states and I had passed with all A’s. I was proud of myself, my hard work and knew that my mother would be just a proud. I was now ready to collapse on my bed and sleep for 24 hours before finishing packing and heading to Redditch. I had looked into coming back early just so I wouldn’t have to be away from him for that long. Just the thought of it was hard to process. Louis had someone became so engraved into my day to day life that being away from him felt wrong. Unnatural. I would miss his cocky comments about couples. The way he rolled his eyes at everything but would do it anyway. The way he kissed me when I was stressed or would show up with food when I was at work for me to have or the tea that would be made as I walked in the door. He was more than the facade he put on and I wish he would show the world that. 

Never had a human gotten under my skin in the best way possible. As much as I wanted to sleep I wanted to be awake and spend the time I had left with Louis even if he was cranky and moody and tried to distance himself since he hated goodbyes - and assumed that goodbyes were permanent. This one wasn’t, I never wanted a permanent goodbye with Louis. Ever. 

God I couldn’t keep doing this. I had two days till my life was decided. I was preparing myself that we would go back to friends. I tried to explain to my heart that it would need to stop feeling happiness when he walked out of the shower, to stop thinking about when I helped him get on so he would get rid of his blue balls. I would have to stop thinking about a life together, or even just a few months and then see what happened after that. I would have to stop loving this man who society and himself thought was so unlovable. I was in deep shit. 

The dorm was quiet when I got back, Louis had yet get back from his shift and I knew this was the time to finish packing. He hated when I packed and I tried to do it when he wasn’t around. We had decided to eat on campus since we were strapped for money due to the holidays but that was okay. Niall was going to join and we would have a lark. Grabbing my boots and the jumpers I wore I folded them up and slipped them into my suitcase. All I had left was my carry on which would be my rucksack with laptop and book to read. My toiletries were in the cases and just needed to be put in the suitcase. 

“Hazza you home?” Louis called out as I poked my head out of the room. He smiled as he held up Chick-Fil-A. “I know what you said but I wanted to have a nice meal and Rowan is stopping buy with a copy of her final video before her and Niall have sex before he goes home.” 

“Louis.” I said to him as he shrugged and set the food on the table. “The food is for Niall, Jules and Ro. They won’t stay long. They promised.” 

“Okay love,” I said walking over to him as he wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me. We had moved from standing there like a statue to pressing our bodies up together and Louis being very, very open about touching and kissing on the mouth and the neck. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled his body close to mine. There was a knock on the door and I kissed him one more time before going to open the door as Niall, Rowan and Julia walked in. Rowan had a weird look on her face but I passed it off as she was going to be doing something kinky with Niall tonight. 

“Here is the video and you are not allowed to watch them until well I'm not around.” Rowan said as she set the flash drives down on the coffee table and shrugged off her jacket and took a seat on the ground as she found her food. “Now I would like to make a toast, a toast to friends, finals being over with and the fact that we are all going to enjoy the holiday and all be joined together on New Year's Eve minus Harry who is lame.” 

I gave her the two finger salute as Rowan’s eyes grew wide and we all laughed. I wanted to know how the film turned out but I was going to watch it tomorrow on the plane. I needed something to keep me occupied on my seven hour flight along with time change. As we ate Niall talked about what he was going to do this holiday while Rowan was glad that she didn’t have to see her death eater of a sister in law. Looking around I knew I was going to miss all of this. They had become my family and I love each and everyone of them. 

“Okay when you are in England I want some tim tams,” Rowan told me. “Tea, any kind just bring me back tea.” 

I laughed. “I will add that to a list. Louis gave me a long one, all typed up with bold categories along with subcategories and even the prices of things along with money.” 

“I’m wanting them for free,” Rowan laughed. “I deserve them, he should pay with all the crap you put up with,” she said as he held up her hands as Louis tossed a chip at her. We finished our meal and Julia went back to her house and Niall and Rowan went off and I didn’t ask questions. Louis and I cleaned up as he didn’t say much. He was distant in a way by how he looked at me but he touched me like he wasn’t. 

“Bed? I’m bloody knackered and we are going to the airport early.” 

Louis nodded. 

I held out my hand as he took it. My bed was filled with my suitcase and book bag so I left it. We both changed and Louis went to washed his face before he climbed into his bed. I brushed my teeth and headed to his bed. I turned off the light and climbed in next to him. Laying on my back I looked up at the ceiling as Louis laid there next to me. His head was next to mine and we embraced the silence. 

“I’m going to miss you.” Louis said to me. “I mean it Harry.” 

“We have mobiles and facetime. We can text all the time as if we were still together.” I promised him as he rolled onto his side and looked at me. “I”m serious darling and facetime whenever you want to.” 

He smiled at me as I rolled over onto my side and kissed the tip of his nose. “Okay.” 

“And I will be back before you know it and you can be happy to see me.” 

Louis nodded. 

I wanted to know where he stood on us but I gave him till after the Holiday and I was going to suffer the entire holiday as I wait for an answer. I kissed him again on the lips as he pressed his forehead against my chest. I wrapped my arms around him as I buried my nose in his hair. He smelt of cigarette smoke, I knew he was stressed and probably went through an entire bloody pack. “Have fun please don’t let me not being here stop you.” 

“I don’t like holidays.” 

“Liar,” I laughed as he looked up at me. “You were like a child when you showed me the windows at Macy’s and the lights and the tree. Hell we had to decorate our dorm. You love, yes Louis you love Christmas and I love that you love it.” 

“So.” 

I laughed as I rolled back over onto my back. “So don’t act like you don’t. Next year.” 

“Huh?” 

“I’ll be in Uni and if you are still in Chicago we can spend the Holiday’s together.” I told him hoping that I didn’t step over the line. 

“Really?” 

“Yes we can decorate a flat and spend your entire birthday watching the best Christmas movie ever.” 

“ _Grease_.” 

I laughed. “No, _Love Actually_.” 

“ _Grease_ is better.” 

“It’s not a holiday film.” 

“It could be.” 

“In what world” 

“The proper one,” he told me with a poke. 

“A delusional one.” I said poking him back as he squirmed and gave me a kiss. 

***

**[l.t]**

I hated this. Hated it. Hated it. Hated it. The car ride to O'Hare airport had been silent. Niall sat in the front with Rowan as I sat in the back with Harry. I held his hand the entire ride and prayed to the universe that this was a joke and I would wake up and he would be in Downers Grove with me. When we arrived Rowan parked and we headed in. Her and Niall walked ahead of us. I wanted them to have time to say goodbye and I wanted to prolong Harry leaving. 

"20 days." 

"A lifetime." I said as we walked my hands shoved in my jacket pocket. "Don't loose my beanie." 

"I won't." He smiled up at me and he pulled his suitcase behind him. "One day I want you to meet them. I can show you the bakery I worked in." 

"I would like that." I told him meaning every word. As we got onto the escalator Harry looked at me and I wanted to vomit. This was all wrong and I couldn't stop it for he would be sad. As we got to the second level Harry and I walked over to get him checked in as Rowan said her goodbye to Niall. Harry's hands seemed to white knuckle his suitcase as he handed them his passport. They made a comment about him going home. But this was his home, or I wanted it to be. Or London could be our home. Even a shack in the middle of the desert would be fine. Home was with Harry. 

I knew that now. 

He gave them his suitcase as he got his ticket and slung his rucksack on his back. I took his hand as we walked over to customs. Rowan had disappeared which I was grateful for. 

"So." I said shoving my hands into my pocket as Harry stood there with my grey beanie on, his skinny jeans with a Columbia sweatshirt and his brown boots. He looked like a homeless man with a nice NorthFace rucksack. 

"It's 20 days. There are mobiles." He reminded me again. I think I had heard the term 'it's 20 days' over a thousand times. Each time got worse and not better. 

I nodded as I looked down at my vans. I felt my throat closing up as I looked up at Harry. I knew he had to get through customs and to his gate. Taking my hands or of my pockets I pulled him into a hug and held him tight. I wanted his smell all over me. I wanted to be able to close my eyes and feel his body hugging mine. As I backed away I grabbed the bottom of his sweatshirt and pulled him in, cupping his face I pressed my lips on his and kissed him passionate. I didn't care who saw, or what people said. Standing on my tip toes Harry's arms wrapped around my waist as he didn't stop kissing me. I tasted the coffee he had in the car, smelt his cologne and felt his tongue in my mouth. His hands ran up my back as he bend down a bit to allow me to stand flat foot on the ground. 

"Safe flight." I said to him as his face flushed. I pushed my glasses up as he gave my hand a squeeze and headed towards customs. I watched him leave as Rowan walked up beside me. "You saw." 

"Yes." 

"Other people."

"Didn't care much." She told me.

"I'm going to ask him out." I said as he gave me one final wave. "We he gets back from holiday I'm going to ask him out and to be my boyfriend."

Rowan turned her head towards me and smiled. "I'm glad." 

*** 

**[h.s]**

I had tried to sleep but my mind and heart were still racing from Louis kissing me. I wasn't sure if it was reality but when he texted me safe travels and Rowan sent me a pick of him looking sad and then flicking off the camera it began to settle in. I had so many questions. Where this all came from, what did this mean for us, why he suddenly thought 'fuck it' and threw caution to the wind and snogged me in the middle of the airport like we were in a movie. But I was I flying and he was probably at Rowan's house by now over analyzing everything, which is what I began to do and needed to stop. It was good. This all was good. Mental and fast but amazing and breathtaking and everything I wanted. 

Reaching down at my feet I pulled out my laptop and flash drive. I was curious and excited to see the film. With little else to do and knowing I wouldn't be able to focus on my book I opted for videos. As soon as my computer came to life I stuck the flash drive in and opened the film up. She had done well with her opening frame and then it planned to Louis. I had plugged in my headphones and listened as I waited to hear the monologue I had memorized from that day. 

There were a few stills of Louis and then it was him sitting in the creepy building smoking. He was right, he could have gotten tetanus there. The tone for him was blue and grey, it matched with what he had to say about love. Which hurt knowing that he might never love me how I love him. But he would love me the way he could and I wouldn't ask for more than that. 

"I had other words I wanted to say. I did believe love was fake, a fallacy, a hiccup in the brain. I saw a version of what I believed was love my entire life from my father beating my mother. In love for he gave her three kids. To turning to beating on me. He wanted me to be a man- like him. It was done in love. I knew no better. The love in movies were just words written in a script and acted out. I never realized that love was like that at times. I was 13 when I stopped feeling. I had no choice it was that or watch my sister get hurt. So I shut down. I turned into a machine, mindless, emotionless, my heart freezing almost to block emotions of any form. I laughed at the idea of love. Never felt anything for another human unless it was my mum or sisters. My mum divorced my father when I was 16. Met a few more men who loved her she told us. They loved us too but again it was words. My mother said she loved us but I didn't believe her. I didn't believe anyone who said they loved me. But I’m starting to. ." 

My heart stopped as Louis was sitting there in the building looking at the camera as it zoomed in. 

"It’s a weird process. I was never good with emotions. They were weakness. I was a man. So I had to be strong and emotionless. Unless it was with footie. Apparently there is a loophole for sports. I grew up never crying, or caring about my actions towards people. I played football as an escape for I could cry there, it was my sanctuary for a long time. I was confronted with situation after situation where I was acting from emotion and I didn't understand why. It wasn’t until I was beaten up so bad I could have died that I realized I wasn’t a robot and I did care about those around me in more than a surface pat on the shoulder kind of way. My life began to change as I opened my mind to the concept of love but I learned that love wasn’t what I thought. It was selfless, not selfish. It was life giving, not life taking.But more importantly it was something I realized I needed in my life."

There were a few more stills until the camera followed Louis as he walked through the building. "I do believe love is myth. Not everyone is capable of love. Some of us learn how to love later in life and others are born with love in their heart. But I also know one can change from feeling nothing to feel the entire world and embracing it. Love is messy, and wild, and thrilling but it's scary and unless you want to give it everything it's not worth it. Love has no lines, there is no one way to explain it. But when you find someone you feel it. It's a warm sensation. Almost like when you are drunk and you piss yourself but less embarrassing and smelly." 

I laughed as I wiped a tear from my eyes. 

"Sometimes people get hurt in love and they can't move on. Love leaves their life. Some are bitter while others keep going, recognizing love but never partaking in the feelings. Sometimes people get hurt in love and give it another chance. They know that they can find genuine love again. Sometimes people don't know what love is. There entire lives they see a false form of love. Love that tears others down and a love that kills is poison. I was that child. But not anymore. I am feeling love for the first time and I'm not running. Not fleeing for fear of the repercussions, the cruel words or what society says. I'm standing up for myself, my heart and life. I want to feel love and I want to give real love back. It's hard, I fight a battle everyday with my default actions, words and behavior and have to reprogram my mind to recognizing that my old ways are hurtful and not caring. I am moving forward and leaving years of pain and lies and hurt behind and look towards what my chest feels like when I'm happy, how my stomach fills with dragons when I'm not a selfish prick and opening up even when it's ugly to express thoughts and walk through everything."

The film cut to Louis standing in the middle of the street as a few cars drove by. He held his arms out and his head tilted back, his eyes closed and a smile on his face. "I am embracing love and even if I get hurt I realized I rather feel the pain of something purse and beautiful then the pain of hurt and sorrow."

I shut my laptop. I didn't care about watching me, that was irrelevant to what I was dealing with I knew the woman next to me thought I was mental. But I didn't give a flying fuck. I wanted to kiss Louis and tell him he was right and that he need not worry. But my mouth stayed shut as I looked out the window. He loved me. 

I felt a hand on me as I turned to the middle aged woman sitting beside me. "Are you okay dear?" 

I nodded as I took the back of my hand and wiped my nose and cleared my throat. "Yes." I was okay. I was ducking fantastic and I had five more hours in the air before I can call Louis and tell him how okay I really was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello my darlings, 
> 
> I have a lot on my plate this coming week with packing for vacation, washing clothes, getting things finalized before I start a new job when I get back, taking my puppy to the vet (she has another ear infection which tends to happen before I go out of town all the time). I will be writing while I'm on vacation and will try and post but I promised my boyfriend during the day I wouldn't be on my phone (unless we are by the pool) so most of the writing will be done at night when he is sleeping - I'm such a great girlfriend to keep him awake with the light of my phone lol. 
> 
> I love each and every one of you and the lovely comments you make truly make me love writing this story even more. Keep being amazing and beautiful and fantastic! 
> 
> XO Vi


	15. holiday [l.t & h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I exist in two places, here and where you are || Margaret Atwood_

_iMesaage  
December 21_

_10:05am_  
I know you're on the plane and I'm sorry to do that. We had rules but.... I kind of don't want rules. I just want us -L 

I known shouldn't be telling you this over text and shit by now you probably watched the video and are thinking I'm either mental and have no right to say those things and be thinking of you when I do or your cried and made the whole flight awkward- L 

Okay so no to texting you my feelings. Rowan just gave me a long ass lecture. Okay so delete that and we can talk about our feelings. Okay? Promise Harry. You never beak promises! - L

 _12:00pm_  
Okay so if been thinking and I should have told you before you got in the flight. It was a dick move and I'm sorry. I don't want you to think that I don't care because I do. And I kinda want to keep this going. Just not hidden- L 

I hope you got some sleep. Maybe watched some movies. Or read. Make sure you get my tea - L 

God please don't be upset with me about the kiss. I needed something to hold me for 20 days. I had to wank off in the shower when I got to Rowan's because of you - L 

Not that I minded. But still. You can't do that to me when you're not even in the same country -L 

I'm so bored Hazza - L 

Rowan wants to go caroling. I don't want to because you will land in London and I won't hear my mobile go off -L 

Sorry. That last texted sounded like a needy asshole - L 

_2:15pm_  
Okay Rowan is making me go with them or she tells her father and I have to sit down and talk about my feelings with someone not you- L 

Call when you land. Please -L 

I just want to make sure you are okay - L 

And hear your voice - L

I miss you - L

 _6:15pm_  
I've landed and it's only 6:30 there but it's a bit after midnight here darling and I'm calling - H 

Oh and darling. Everything you did I feel the same so breathe (: - H

***

 _iMessage  
24 December_

_9:00am_  
HAPPY BIRTHDAY (again) - H 

I think texting me midnight in London, the Facebook post, tweet and Instagram phot and then calling me at midnight here still haven't done my birthday justice - L 

You selfish bastard!!-H 

:) - L 

Thank you. It means a lot. The fact you beat Rowan is impressive and she was a bit hurt. She is usually the birthday committee president- L

We can share the presidency- H 

I vote for you so haha you win!- L 

You are a man child - H 

And you love it :)- L

How is home?- L

Good. My mum is trying to fatten me up. I have been enjoying time with my sister and even went to my dads house. He asked about you. - H 

What did you say??- L 

Did you say I was your boyfriend? I don't mind. I've never been someone's boyfriend before. You can call me that - L 

Okay speed racer why don't we have a date before we start using the word boyfriend - H 

I'm all for using the word but don't think we have to since Rowan calls Niall her boyfriend - H

Why? We have been in numerous dates. We have nicknames. We sleep together (and don't you say some cheeky comment you know what I mean you perv) and snog more than talking to each other. I believe that is what classifies as a boyfriend - L 

Stop reading the Internet!! Or PEOPLE or whatever crap Sam told you or Rowan or Julia lol - H 

Okay... So you are fine with me telling my family that you are my boyfriend? - H 

Yes. - L 

And you will tell who that I'm yours?- H 

Rowan, Julia and Niall don't count - H 

My sisters. My mum. Rowan's parents. The entire bloody world if you want me to - L 

That would be a bit sexy - H 

Oh shut it Hazza! - L 

So what are you doing for your birthday and Christmas Eve? - H 

Dinner. We watch a Christmas movie. I drink. I call you wanting to be spending Christmas with my Jewish boyfriend - L 

I celebrate both. My stepfather is Catholic - H 

Whatever you say Hazza. Rowan will be on Skype with Niall and his family and Jules will be talking to her almost boyfriend I'm not sure how it works - L 

Any presents?- H 

My mum sent mine to Ro's house like she does every year. I will have a few birthday ones at dinner and then Christmas will have my Christmas ones- L

Why???- L

Harold Edward Styles what did you do??????? *evil look for not telling me and you know I detest surprises*- L 

Check under your bed (: - H 

Rowan told me the beginning of the month about your birthday and since I wanted you to bring it up I began gathering things for you - H 

How did you get Jelly babies and .... Did you go and spend all your paycheck at Spencer's Jolly Posh?- L 

Not all. But I figured you never splurge and get things so I contacted Lottie on Facebook and she told me all your favorites - H 

Harry this is.... Thank you!! - L 

I'll still be getting your tea and biscuits when I'm home so don't worry - H 

And your Christmas present should be there to but you have to wait till tomorrow (; - H 

I didn't get you anything - L 

But you did - H 

What?? - L 

The video. Those words. I also get you - H 

Can that present span all holidays? - L 

No you daft git! Lol - H 

I have to go. My grandma just came over and we are about to have tea. FaceTime tonight - H 

Okay (: - L 

Harry- L 

Yes darling (: - H 

Thank you. This was the best present ever - L 

I promise next year we will celebrate together (: - H 

*** 

_iMessage  
25 December _

_2:15am_  
LOUIS IM GOING TO KILL YOU YOU BETTER ANSWER YOUR FACETIME! YOU LIED ABOUT NOT GIVING ME A PRESENT - H 

Harry is 2 am - L

Harry *banana emoji* Styles wants to FaceTime 

_12:00pm_  
I am in a food coma. If you thought thanksgiving was bad Christmas is all Italian food. I now have the Tommo tummy - L 

*picture of Louis slight belly* 

That's what you call that. You are such a weirdo - H 

I have a food baby to. Mum made my favorite and I ate and had a bit too much to drink- H 

Sam is Viking Drunk talking about his ex and how he messed it up. I head to put headphone in so I didn't hear him vomiting in the bathroom all day long- L 

It's like I'm here- H 

I wish you were. It's no fun sleeping alone. I miss your long hippie hair in my face- L 

Watch it or I'll cut the hippie hair off- H 

I'll break up with you - L 

Ouch! Is that what our relationship is superficial and about my hair?- H 

And your tea making abilities. Yes :) - L 

Wow. - H 

:) - L 

Get any good gifts?- L 

A few new records. Clothes. Basics - H

You?- H 

Clothes. Vans. Rowan got me a few movies. Gift cards to use for food - L 

You own 7 pairs of Vans already. What do these look like?- H 

Navy and I down have Navy ones smart arse :) - L 

I'm be summoned to play pictionary. FaceTime tonight? - H 

Like always :) - L 

*** 

_iMessage  
29 December_

_11:00pm_  
Rowan told me you were sick last night. I wish I was there to play nurse Harry and make you feel better. Oh wait she said you were sick b/c of nicotine poisoning so I wish I was there to slap you- H 

Shite. I didn't mean that Lou. I know it was hard to tell your mum and sisters and I just hate smoking the fact you could get cancer, it could hinder you playing football. Just it's bad for you and I want you on this earth as long as possible- H 

It just worries me Lou. I know what you did it was stressful and I didn't want you to think that I was giving you an ultimatum with telling your mum and sisters and Daniel. I wanted to just encourage you to do it for your own health so you didn't feel that you had this weight on you and fear that whenever you talked to them it would slip that we were dating and then they would ask more questions then you were wanting to answer. I'm sorry if I went all crazy boyfriend I just - I don't want you hurting and sometimes I think what is best for you and it might not be for I was being selfish. I'm sorry. God please just answer me even if you are pissed so we can hash this out. Please. - H

Lou please darling- H 

Louis, je suis désolé. S'il vous plaît réponds juste moi aime- H

 _11:30_  
I shouldn't have smoked that much- L 

That's not the point. I'm sorry - H

You were right. You didn't push me I needed to tell them they are my family - L 

How did it go?- H

My mom cried. Happy tears she was glad that I was able to tell her and she asked to see a picture and when i showed her one she started to cry all over again. Lottie had an idea and just smiled. Fizzy was excited while Daisy and Phoebe want you to come over so they can play with your hair and play dress up with you. Daniel then called me and told me that he was still my father figure and I was his son and he was proud that I was open with them and he looks forward to meeting you and giving you the talk about treating me right and safe sex - L

Jesus.... did he really say safe sex talk? - H 

No, I wanted to get back at you so I put that in there. But it was good. They were happy and not upset with me - L 

I told you they would be happy - H

I'm sure my mom will do the same as my step father rolls his eyes hands you a beer and talk football- H 

I could dig that - L 

I feel good. I wasn't hiding I just didn't know and I didn't want to hide. That's stupid and I don't want you to hide - L 

I know love - H 

So no hiding. Not even if Stan see's - L 

Harry he is a bully. He can't hurt me without the university doing an investigation. If we give in he wins. I don't want that - L 

I know. We won't let him either - H

Changing the topic. Niall is going to propose to Rowan during spring break- L 

How do you know this??- H 

He showed me the ring and he is taking her on a holiday and going to ask her - L 

Where???- H 

NYC. She has wanted to go back for a while and she thinks that they are going so Jules can see her family and then they will have time for adventures. But that is when he is going to ask her. He is trying to arrange things with a theater to let him do it after they see a musical - L 

And we will be there but she won't know. Her family and his will be there to - L 

You are freaking out about how romantic it is- L 

Yes you unromantic weirdo - H 

I can be romantic - L 

Really? When? - H 

You weren't my boyfriend so now that you are you will be blown away by how romantic I am- L 

I can't wait (: - H 

***

 _iMessage  
31 December_

_7:25am_  
Hey love I'm going to be away from my mobile for a while. Family stuff but I will text you before midnight. Don't be a downer at Rowan's party tonight at her flat or no snogging for a week. Okay maybe a day I couldn't go that long again - H 

 

 _9:05am_  
I know you don't have your mobile so I will annoy you till you answer. Rowan went to pick up Niall and I was denied being able to go. So I'm out with Julia getting stuff for the party - L 

The first time I have someone I want to kiss on New Year's Eve and you are in England. You know you suck right?- L 

Why do I have to clean an apartment that isn't mine for a party I don't want to be at? The universe hates me - L 

_11:50am_  
At least there will be alcohol. Maybe I'll get football drunk and sext you. That's a thing right- sexting?- L 

I'm eating chipotle and miss your stupid face - L 

*picture of Louis in a beanie at chipotle with headphones in looking sad and looking at his burrito bowl* 

_2:30pm_  
Dear Hazza's family I miss him to so can we please share?? Love his boyfriend who is dying and needs his ass back in America- L 

Okay. I was told to get ready. Off to shower shave and do my hair and put 'nice clothes on' - L 

Can I call you at midnight? I want to hear your voice over the phone - L 

I showered among other things in the shower thinking about you (; - L 

_6:05pm_  
You know you can't send me those cheeky texts - H 

Sorry I'm back :) and my family will share me I promise I told them I needed to text my needy adorable boyfriend who is slowly dying from not hearing from my in 8 hours - H 

Yes you can call me at midnight love:) I want to hear your voice. Only a few more days and you can complain how lonely you were and how I can never be gone for that long- H 

I will start now.... - L 

Oh lord - H 

He can't save you now Hazza. Mwahahaha- L 

***

 _iMessage  
31 December_

_11:45pm_  
Rowan cut me off an hour ago. I'm sitting on her couch like a fucking wanker missing you. WHY DOES THE UNIVERSE HATE ME?! - L 

Only you? I want to be sitting on that couch with you. Snogging :p - H 

Can you magically appear?- L 

I wish love. But hey it's almost midnight maybe you can find a picture of me on your phone and give me a kiss *kiss face emoji*- H 

Not the same. Your lips are soft and always taste like vanilla- L 

Chapstick - H 

Are mine bad?- L 

Lol no. They usually taste of cigarette or gum-H 

I haven't smoked since I got sick- L 

Good - H

It also helps that it's cold as balls out in Chicago and Rowan won't let you smoke in her flat - H 

That to - L 

You look fancy tonight. Is that a new shirt Ro got you?- H 

Is she sending you snapchats of me sulking??- L 

No I think she is in her room making out or more with Niall - H 

...- L 

Then is it Julia…??? - L

no she is making out with Andy. Harry what the fuck is going on?? - L 

You said you wanted a midnight kiss so turn around you thick idiot - H

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello loves (: 
> 
> 1) I'm going through past chapters and kind of cleaning up the crappy editing I did with grammar and such. It's things I didn't catch while writing on my phone and want to go back and fix.  
> 2) I'm legit swamped this week. I have a sick puppy, laundry, a garage sale I have to work at, have to go and see where I am going to park for my new job (it's off site parking on the weekends) ironing and being an adult which SUCKKKKKSSSSSS. I wanted to get this chapter out before I leave for a week in Sunny ORLANDO *Starts singing Book of Mormon*.  
> 3) I will be writing and when I get back I will POST POST POST! (I might post Thursday as I cry over 1D on The Late Late Show with James Corden).  
> 4) thank you for reading and commenting. I love each one of you!!! Also thanks to YenssyAyala for your comments! You honestly make me smile whenever I read them!!!! *hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs* 
> 
> Also tomorrow **Young Rising Sons** single FUCKED UP (there love song) drops and you should check it out!!! *hides face for shameless promotion of friends band*. 
> 
> XO VI 
> 
>  
> 
> Oh - and the next chapter will be New Years Eve *fangirls*


	16. midnight [h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You will love who you love if you really love them. Nothing can stop that. not death, distance, judgement or deceit. You will love who you love || Anonymous_

Being home felt amazing! I missed my bed, my massive record collection, my clothes and shoes that I sadly had to leave behind. I missed staying up late with my sister watching crap telly and playing drinking games. I missed my mum’s food and that she still insisted on doing my laundry. I missed taking my motorbike out for a spin, spending my weekends at the bakery and getting a pint with a friend at a pub. The only problem I was facing was whatever I did and whoever I was with my brain would randomly remind me how more interesting or more fun it would be if Louis was with me all through Christmas I pictured him sitting with my family and making comments out of love and enjoying the banter with Gemma. Boxing Day to stay in our jim jams all day and eat and listen to my new records. Not that I wanted to be just with him, but at his presence and wit and insight to a world I've never known would make whatever I was doing. 

Like tonight I was happy, I was out with an old mate of mine and catching up on life. I had met Liam via Kevin and when he screwed me over Liam broke off their friendship and took my side in the breakup. I was forever grateful for that and sticking by me. He had a good heart and watched over me like a little brother. He was hesitant when I told him about Uni in the State but he knew I had to do it, and he wanted me to get an education since he decided to just head to work in a factory like his dad. We had decided to meet in a pub and get dinner and drinks. I had been with my family since Landing on the 22 and I was on overload. I was trying to compensate for the months away and shoving as much family time in the past seven days that was behind possible for any human being. 

"So who is he?" Liam asked me as we sat in the pub. He was on his third pint and I was still nursing my first one. We ordered our food a while ago and I was hoping it came out soon or I was going to have a buzzed Liam which would turn into a drunk Liam which end up with a not so happy Sophie.... and I loved her but lord knows I didn't want to see her angry with me for allowing Liam to get pissed. "You have this look that you are miles away but you are still tracking with my painfully dull story about me and the misses. 

He was good. Always had been able to read me like a book. I hadn't come to dinner to talk about Louis, I had tried to watch how much I talked about his with my family for I didn't want to be that annoying person who all they talked about was their boyfriend. But it was hard not to, Louis was so interesting and brilliant and I wanted the entire world to know of him. Sure I talked in private with Gemma and gushed about him and everything he did for me. I left out the getting beaten up, (that was a day I didn't want to think about ever it was still a fresh wound and ugly). I had even talk to my dad about him which was a change from when he disliked Kevin so much. 

"Louis Tomlinson. Football player, he speaks in sarcasm, hot as hell and has never been in a relationship, business and French major with a minor in music." I told him as his eyes widened and I knew he was going to ask about the relationship and him- we'll never having one.The pub was mellow tonight which I was happy about. I didn't have to yell to talk to Liam. "I know my mum gave me the same look." 

"Harry Styles dating a jock. Who would have thought I would ever see the day," Liam said with a smile as our food arrived. Laughing I popped a chip into my mouth. They reminded me of the ones Lou and I had at Spencer's Jolly Posh. "He seems to be the opposite of Kevin."

I nodded. "Very much so. I actually thought he was dating his best friend and then for a few weeks I thought he was A- Sexual." I shook my head. "My radar was thrown off by him, I can say that was the first person to ever make me wonder if I could tell a straight man from a gay one." 

Liam covered his mouth as he laughed, I smiled and took a sip of my beer. "So you never turned on the Harry Styles charm?" Liam asked arching an eyebrow as he took a bite of his burger. I gave him a vacant expression as he cocked his head at me. Setting his burger back of the plate he cleared his throat before speaking. "A smile to show off your dimples, a shrug, pushing back your long hair, a twinkle in the eye and then BAM!" Liam clapped his hands together. "You have seduced them." 

Laughing I shook my head. "First off that is not what I do when I chat someone up. And second off he kissed me first and we haven’t stopped kissing since,” I said smiling as I thought about our last kiss we had in the airport. Just thinking about it my heart lept a bit and my breath seemed to almost stop. Louis made my head all jumbled, my breathing was heavy and my heart always raced and the dragons never stopped ever. 

"Why do I feel there is more to the story?" Asked Liam as he gave me the fatherly Liam look and I knew I had no choice but to tell him. I felt sorry for his sisters if the look made me spill my guts I’m sure had had perfected it on them. 

"We had a trial run,” I began having to chose my words wisely so I didn't’t sound like a horny wanker who just wanted a good snog. Or make Louis seem like he was using me for the same reason. “We didn't date each other but I could go out on dates. No sex. Just kissing and when holiday break came Louis decided." 

"Why him?" 

"Remember the whole never being in a relationship? I was serious. Never. He had a hard life and the way he got through was turning all emotions and feelings off." I explained to Liam as he popped a chip into his mouth. "So he wasn't sure if this was him curious or if I was just horny for a snog. But neither of us wanted to hurt the other one." 

Liam nodded his head. 

"So he made the calls and he decided he wanted to be together. It just sucks being away and not so much in the 'I need him to exist' way. He kissed me before I got on a plane and kind of confessed his love via this video a friend did for her film major final project, it was pretty much the single most romantic thing a man has ever done for me. So we never got to sit down and talk about it. I mean FaceTime is fantastic but.... It's not the same." 

“That does suck, but at least you both talk on FaceTime about it. Since he has never been in a relationship do you think he will dip when I don’t know, people say things?” 

I shook my head and looked down at my beer. Sure I had this small fear that he would more so when Football began for him but I also knew that he wouldn’t. “A few months after knowing me we got into a row. Louis doesn't have many friends and the ones he has he is very protective over and doesn’t want harm to come to them. So a guy on his football team was giving me crap and Louis punched him,” I held up my hand before Liam could speak. “This was pre-snogging and I gave him a lecture that wasn’t what he should have done. Then the guy, or the guys friends attacked Louis. He ended up in Hospital and then out of classes for two weeks.” 

“All because this asshole was harassing you?” 

I nodded. “He has a lot of demons and baggage but he talks about it more now instead of lighting a smoke and leaving.” 

“And he smokes. Wow Harry did you turn to the dark side?” Liam joked with him as I pressed my lips together and gave him a look. "Don't think I don't want you to be happy, hell after Kevin fucked you over I want you to find love and him to rot in his own feces. But how do you know for sure?" 

“When Louis talks he means the words. He chooses them with care and what he says he means. When he is happy, scared, angry or pissed off you know right then and there. So when he told me that he wanted to be my boyfriend and make us public it wasn’t a decision he came to overnight. It took him a while and he thought of everything that goes along with it. Louis shows love and care in a way that most people don’t but I think it’s beautiful. He embraces me my flaws, my hair, my style, my tattoos. He dresses like a slob most of the time with track pants and t-shirts or faded skinny jeans and his vans but I don’t want him to change and he doesn’t want me to either with my wild shirts and boots.” 

“Your boots define you as a man Harry.” 

I laughed as I finished off my chips. “When I was homesick the first week he would bring me food. I never asked but he would show up after his classes, or a workout or work with food for me. He would make sure I ate, make me tea and then we would sit in the common area of our dorm sometimes talking but most of the time my music would engulf us and it was like home. I felt comfortable with Louis and he with me.” I explained to Liam. “It’s weird and I’m not saying that he is the one or anything it’s just right.” 

“I can say Kevin never made you talk like this.” Liam said as he ordered us two more pints. “You are talking like those romance novels Sophie reads and jokes that I need to be more like the main guy.” 

“I do?” I asked not realizing that others might be thinking the same thing. “Sorry.” 

“No mate, it’s kinda of cute. I need to meet him, give him the Liam interrogation and then see if he is up to par with my standards for you.” 

“They aren’t high, after all I dated Kevin and you were friends with him.” I laughed as Liam flicked me off. I popped one of his chips into my mouth with a smile as our new pints came. We finished off our meal and he told me about him and Sophie moving in together, how his holidays were and how work in the factory was and that he was thinking about marrying Sophie. I was excited for him and that he was doing okay after Kevin. Liam had taken the breakup hard but it was just as hard with him losing a friend he had since they were in nappies. “This one's on me. It’s a Christmas present.” 

“Okay, well thank you mate,” I said to Liam as he paid the bill and we slid out jackets back on before heading out into the cold and heading out own ways. 

“I’m happy for you Harry and I hope that Louis knows how lucky he is to have you as a friend and a partner.” Liam said as he began to get all fatherly on me. “If you come back this summer we should all go out for drinks I’m sure Sophie would love to meet him and see you again.” 

“Sounds like a plan,” I said as I gave Liam a hug. “It was nice to talk to you and just tell someone not in my family about Louis and I know you would tell me if I was being stupid.” Liam nodded as I hit his arm. “Give Sophie my best and I will talk later.” 

“Cheers!” Liam said as he flagged down a cab and headed back to his flat as I enjoyed the walk home. Louis was up but I had promised not to bother him as he and Rowan and Julia were out doing shopping or seeing a movie or something, I wasn’t sure what one it was today. It was hard not texting him and asking how his day was and hearing some story about how someone did something and he was upset and then he would change the topic to something else. His mind worked in a way that I had never seen a human mind work before. It was like a bouncing ball never fully finishing a thought until it was onto the next one only to come back a few moments later to finish it and the tangents all had to do with his story. 

When I reached home I unlocked the front door. I heard my mum making tea. My sister and her friends were watching a movie and Robin was in his office doing some work. Toeing off my boots and hanging up my jacket my phone buzzed and I was happy to see it was a text from Louis. I headed on up the steps and to my bedroom as I read what he had to tell me. 

_iMessage  
29 December_

_10:05pm_  
**We just went to see a movie and Rowan went mental on a group of teenagers talking through the entire show. She got up, got a manager and then she gave them a lecture on how they were disrespectful to the people in the theater, the people who made the film and that if they wanted to be adults and see a movie without an adult they should act like that. - L**

**I wish I was there to see it - H**

***video* - L**

**The girl in the blue her mother came up and apologized to Rowan and she told her that she wanted them to know that their actions had consequences and that she understood how it was fun to see a movie without parents but there was a line of making a comments and texting, and making rude and vulgar ones about how sexy a man looks and wanting to tap that - L**

**What happened? - H**

**We got refunded our movie, the manager knows Rowan she comes here so much and he said that he was sorry and we got free coupons for popcorn and stuff which we are using now as we go and see the second movie of our double feather day - L**

**And the girls mother took our addresses and said she is going to make her girls write apology notes and that they were going to pay for our tickets with the money they earned and would send us a gift card - L**

**Two free movies and snacks. The things I miss when I’m stuck in England - H**

**How was dinner with Liam?- L**

**Did you talk about us? Not that I mind but is he going to tell Kevin? Will I have to fly there and save you?- L**

**Dinner was good talked about us and his girlfriend and life in general. No he doesn’t talk to Kevin and you can fly out if you want to even when I don’t need you to get your arse kicked for me - H**

**I will text later. The movie is about to start - L**

**Enjoy darling - H**

I set my mobile on my bed and fell onto my back on it. I missed him and wanted to be doing those things with him even though he was a pain in the ass to see a movie with it was still fun. Moaning I grabbed a pillow and held it over my face as I let out a frustrated yell as I heard a knock on my door. Sitting up and setting the pillow in my lap my mum walked into my room with a cuppa. 

“You okay Harry?” My mum asked sitting down next to me on the foot of my bed. I shrugged, I wasn't sure how to explain what I was feeling. I loved being home and I wouldn't trade the time I've head for the world but I longed to go back and hangout with Louis and finally get to be a couple. But no matter who I looked at it I felt like I was being a dick to my parents for spending to much time on my mobile with Louis - or I was being an ass to Louis as I didn't make time for him like I promised. “You know you can miss being with him. We won’t take it personally.” She joked as I took a sip of the tea. “It’s funny, when you got here there was something different about you and the more I watched you on and off you mobile I realized that it was Louis.” 

“What do you mean?” I asked worried it was a bad thing. 

“Well, you smile more. You seem happier than you did before leaving even when you were with Kevin.” My mother told me. “He brings something out in you darling that I don’t think any of us had seen before and it’s beautiful.” 

I pressed my lips together and looked down at the tea. “I”m sorry if I had been off in another world. I didn’t want to be glued to my mobile….” 

“You haven’t,” she assured me as she kissed the top of my head. “What is bothering you.” 

Taking another sip of tea I wasn’t sure if I wanted to mention I wanted to go home for New Year’s Eve. I didn’t want to be selfish. I loved my family but I wanted to be with Louis on that night as stupid and cheesy as it sounded for it was. I wanted to kiss him at midnight and listen to him make some stupid comment and then just lay in bed together all night our hands intertwined as we walked or just laid there in silence. 

“You know a mother knows her children. When Gemma is upset she tends to get emotionally and will talk and talk about nothing until she finally gets to a point where she exploded and talks about what is bothering her. You my boy are the opposite. You turn inwards and hold it in, you are there and you look as if you are paying attention to what we are saying but your eyes are a million miles away.” 

My mum's face did this thing when she had something to tell that was a surprise as her eyebrow would twitch a bit before she would break out into a smile or even start giggling. This time she pulled a ticket out of her back pocket and handed it to me. “I have loved having you home Harry and it was great but your heart is in America right now with Louis and I want you to go and see him and spend the rest of the break out there.” 

I blinked a few time worried that this was some dream but everytime I opened them the ticket was still in my hand. 

“I talked to a very nice young woman Rowan, she is going to pick you up when she picks up her boyfriend Niall… I believe your flight lands 45 minutes before his does.” My mother explained to me as I realized I was leaving in two days. 

I looked up at her as I set my tea on the ground and wrapped my arms around her neck and gave her a hug. “Thanks mum.” 

“You go and be the romantic that you are Harry. But tell Louis this means he has to come over this summer for two weeks.” She said smiling as I laughed. I’m sure he would love that as would I. “Gemma said she will bring you to the airport and see you off since I can’t get off work that day and neither can Robin." 

I gave my mum another hug as she kissed the top of my head. She got up, took the empty mug and told me to start packing. I wanted to text Rowan but Louis was with her and that would ruin the surprise so I held off. I was going to my other home. I was going to see Louis. 

*** 

I felt someone tap my face, opening my eyes I sat up as the car pulled into Rowan's parent's house. Yawning I stretched my arms and checked my phone to reply back to Louis so this entire plan wasn't ruined. We had dropped Rowan off at the train station as she headed back into the city while Niall and I took the car and headed back to Downers Grove. She had arranged for us to crash at her parents house for a few hours and then we could head back into the city and I wait until my time to appear. Thankfully a neighbor said I could sit in their flat while I wait to surprise Lou. Otherwise I would have been cold waiting outside. I left everything but my ruck sack in the car as Niall put Rory (yes, Rowan named her car) into park and turned him off. Getting out we made our way through the snow to the front door where Benjamin stood. He gave Niall a hug and greeted me with one as well.

"I will have tea up in your room in a bit once it's done heating up," he told us as we toed of our shoes and hung up our jackets. "Spare room is made up and Florence will be home shortly. I will make sure that you are up in time but get sleep. You both have had a long days." 

Niall took that and headed on up the steps to sleep. I was tired but I wanted to talk to Benji and I knew he could tell that as he motioned to the kitchen and I followed. Walking through the entry way we headed into the kitchen, I took a seat on the counter as the kettle began to whistle. "I was told by a very joyous Louis that the two of you are now dating." Benji said to me as he poured the hot water into a cup and handed it to me along with the box of tea's they had to choose from. "I figured that something was going on during Thanksgiving but I knew Louis and he isn't one to talk about person matters unless he initiates the conversation." 

"That is very true," I said as i watched the earl grey tea bag hit the water and turn it dark brown, almost black. "We had a trial run," I explained just jumping to the point I was tired and I had gotten so used to skipping all the fluff before and after a conversation with Louis. "I know Louis thinks it was to help him but it was more for me. I wanted to make sure that I was falling for him and I wasn't just... looking for someone to keep my mind off a broken heart." 

Benji smiled as he took a seat next to me at the counter. "I would have never assumed that about you Harry and don't think the worst of yourself either. It's natural that when we find someone who makes us a better person that we fall fast and hard, but it's different than the school boy crush. The feelings are there and it's scary as hell. I'm sure a lot of people gave you flack for what you and Louis did, especially my daughter but I think it's smart. Louis needed that to grow comfortable with showing affection, and learning that it's okay to be in a vulnerable state and having someone else there to help him." Benji told me. "I've known the man for four years and when he told me and Florence that the two of you were a couple I've never seen him that happy." 

I looked up from my tea. "Really?" 

Benjamin nodded his head. "You understand how his mind works and that takes a big person to do so. I just want you to know that you need to talk to him about after. You are a couple and you can't hide the hand holding, or the kissing. It's going to push him out of his comfort zone for he was safe in the dorm room. No one saw and no one had an opinion - they do now and while I know he won't leave if someone makes a comment, both of you need to be on the same page with how much PDA or how little you want and you need to talk to him about sex." 

As Benjamin spoke he was doing it out of love, everything he said came from the heart of a father and he wanted both Louis and I to be happy and not be a hot blazing fire that is put out in a few weeks. I didn't want that with Louis, he was right about when you find someone you just click with you feel it. I felt it with Louis and it scares me shitless at times. I could end up with his man in the future and he could end up with me. I wanted to talk to Louis but I hated the talk, Kevin and I never had 'the talk' we kind of just went at it like rabbits which was fun yes, but I didn't want that with Louis. "I will." I promised him as I took a sip of my tea. "I don't want to hurt him." 

"I know you don't, and he is so worried about hurting you that you both need to talk. I'm not saying today but before you both go back into the dorm and reality of college hits for you know how Louis is and he will just retreat into himself so far that sometimes it's hard to get him back." 

I knew. I had seen it and never wanted that to happen again. 

"Go get some sleep, I will have some food for you and Niall when you boys get up." 

Getting down from the seat I thanked Benjamin again grabbing my cup I headed up to the spare room. They had added blackout curtains and a noise machine to help Niall and I sleep. Finishing off my tea I plugged in my mobile charger and my mobile before crawling fully clothed into bed. I only had several more hours until I saw Louis again. Several hours till I surprised Louis and got to see his face and then hear him yell at me for doing so. 

***  
My hands were shaking as I stood in the flat. I had spent most of the night at the neighbors empty flat for they were at a party and then when Rowan texted me I left and she got me into her flat without Louis paying any attention. I was standing behind a group of people as i wanted him on the couch, I felt like a stalker and I'm sure if people weren't already buzzed of pissed they would have thought the exact same thing. Louis was on the couch like a pissed off toddler, he had his normal black skinny jeans on (new but still with holes in the knees) a nice pair of oxfords on his feet with a black button down and his hair was styled back like James Dean. 

 

 _iMessage  
31 December_

_11:45pm_  
**Rowan cut me off an hour ago. I'm sitting on her couch like a fucking wanker missing you. WHY DOES THE UNIVERSE HATE ME?! - L**

**Only you? I want to be sitting on that couch with you. Snogging :p - H**

**Can you magically appear?- L**

**I wish love. But hey it's almost midnight maybe you can find a picture of me on your phone and give me a kiss *kiss face emoji*- H**

**Not the same. Your lips are soft and always taste like vanilla- L**

**Chapstick - H**

**Are mine bad?- L**

**Lol no. They usually taste of cigarette or gum-H**

**I haven't smoked since I got sick- L**

**Good - H**

**It also helps that it's cold as balls out in Chicago and Rowan won't let you smoke in her flat - H**

**That to - L**

**You look fancy tonight. Is that a new shirt Ro got you?- H**

**Is she sending you snapchats of me sulking??- L**

**No I think she is in her room making out or more with Niall - H**

**...- L**

**Then is it Julia…. no she is making out with Andy. Harry what the fuck is going on?? - L**

**You said you wanted a midnight kiss so turn around you thick idiot - H**

Louis looked up from his mobile as his eyes scanned the room they landed on me. His entire body changed, he sat up and his face lit up, his eyes growing wide like a child's when they walk into a toy store and his lips curved up into a smile that was one the biggest and truly the most beautiful smile I had ever seen on him. His face looked several years younger and happy. He shoved his mobile into the back pocket of his trousers as he pushed through the crowded flat. As soon as he reached me his arms wrapped around my neck and my hands rested on his hips. "It is really you?" He asked as if I was just a figment of his imagination. I nodded my head as I bend down a bit and pressed my lips onto his. I cold taste the beer he had been drinking, the pizza he had for dinner and the cigarette he snuck. I would yell at him later for smoking right now my mind just wanted to snog my boyfriend Louis. 

"Surprise." I laughed as I stopped kissing and pressed my forehead against his. His hand moved from my neck and cupped my face as he wanted to make sure I was still real. "No it's not the alcohol playing tricks on your brain I am here darling." I assured him as I cupped his clean shaven face and kissed him a few more times. I never wanted to stop kissing him it was a drug. Louis was my drug and I was never going to stop. 

"Did you arrive when Niall did? That's why I was banned from the airport run?!" He asked almost upset as I nodded my head and laughed at him. "I can't trust you." 

"It was a surprise you idiot." I laughed as I reached into my back pocket and handed him his beanie. "Made it to and from England without being lost, dropped or ruined." 

Louis pushed my hand back to me. "Have it. You look cute in it." He said taking got from my hand and skidding it on my head.

"Not punk ass like you?" 

"No. You wear flamingo shirts you're not punk." He pointed out to me as I pulled him into a hug. God I missed him. 

"Champagne?" I asked as I let go of Louis and headed into the kitchen. "Andy?" I asked pointing to the tall man with nice teeth blue eyes and dimples. 

"Yep." 

"Jules did good." I laughed grabbing two glasses and poured the champagne as everyone gathered around the telly as the countdown began. Rowan gave us a wave as I handed Louis a glass and we stood in the kitchen, I wrapped my arm around his back and held him close and we began to count down. 

I was leaving this year with an amazing man in my life and starting a new one with him in my life. I had started to make a home for me with a family and friends who I cared about. I was my own person and Louis embraced that in me. 

"5, 4, 3, 2, 1! Happy New Year!" Everyone yelled as they turned and kissed there lover. I turned to Louis as he smiled as he cupped my face and kissed me. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he stood a bit on his toes as I twirled his hair around my finger. "Happy New Year," Louis whispered to me and pressed his forehead against mine. 

"Happy New Year my darling." 

As we stood there and everyone cheered, opened up the windows and yelled out time seemed to stop. Like in musicals when the people in the background freeze, the lights dim and the spotlight is on the leads as they look into each other's eyes and are so in love they hear music and starting singing. That was how I felt and I never wanted the music in my head to stop. I took Louis in, his face, his eyes, the way his lips curved as he smiled. The way his skin on his hands felt. He was mine and I didn't ever want to give him back. 

I kissed him one last time before Rowan, Niall and Julia broke the moment that so often happens. I gave them hugs and we were introduced to Andy as Louis got a beer for me (I wanted him sober the first day I was back). My body was tired but my mind was awake and taking this all in, I watched as Louis laughed, joked and was social (sassy) but social. His arm wrapped around my lower back as his hand rested on my hip. I tried not to make a big deal but it was. Louis was showing to people we were together. He was being affectionate but subtle at the same time. 

"You seem half asleep," Louis said to me as I covered my yawn with my hand. "Come on." Louis said as he took my hand as the party kept going Louis headed into Rowan's bedroom where he laid down on her bed and pulled me next to him. Curling up I laid my head on his chest as I felt Louis's fingers playing with my hair. "Your mum wasn't upset?"

I laughed as we lead right into the conversation. "She gave me the ticket." I explained as I listed to his heart. "She wanted me to be happy and since you are so needy..." I laughed as Louis poked me on the side and I flinched. "No, she wanted me to be happy and could tell my heart was here and my body was there." 

"This summer." Louis told me kissing the top of my head. "We can visit and you can show me around." 

"Only if we can do that with your mum and sisters." I told him as my eyes closed and I felt my body slowly drifting to sleep. "Otherwise... No go for my house." 

Louis kissed me gently. "Okay." 

"Yeah? I know going home is.... Hard for you." I told him. I knew he felt better after telling his mum and Robin but it was hard going to a place and not hiding. People see it as he changed when he didn't, he finally accepted himself and it was beautiful. I looked up at Louis as he smiled, he pushed my hair behind my ear and kissed me gently on the lips. I felt dragons in my stomach and all of me wanted to rip his clothes off. 

"Yep. I have you to beat the shit out of people if they bother me," he joked as I laughed and hit his arm. "I'm glad you are back Hazza. I don't mind that you went away-" 

"It was how it all happened. I know darling I was the same way." I assured him as my eyes began to close. "But you know now since we are dating we can kiss in public, hold hands."

"Like Rowan and Niall."

I nodded with a yawn. "But being our own partnership. We aren't going to emulate them, we are going to be us." 

"I only want to be that." 

"Me to darling," I told him. "Louis I want you to be comfortable when we are in public to show affection. I don't want you to pull away if I want to hold your hand, and I won't kiss you unless you feel comfortable doing so. I care a lot about you and I'm not ashamed of us but I would never want to put you in a position where your life, or your football career was in danger." 

Louis sat up and I sat up with him, he turned his body towards me and looked me in the eyes. "I don't want to hide Harry. I lo- like you a lot and maybe we can slowly get into the PDA but yes, I want to hold your hand when we walk to class, and yes I want people to know that we are together for you are so important to me and I never want you to feel that I'm hiding this part of my life. Ever." 

"So I could come running onto the field after a football game and kiss you when you win?" I asked him. 

Without hesitation he smiled and said, "Yes." 

"Good." I told him smiling back at him and pushing my hair behind my ears. "I also don't want you to think because we are dating that I will force you to have sex." I though he was going to roll his eyes but he didn't. He looked at me and I could tell that he had been thinking about it. What it would be like with me and maybe even how it would be different with someone else. "When you are ready, and when I know you are ready and you don't just say that you are so you can have sex. It's a big step darling and I want you to be confident in that choice," I explained taking his hand. "Deal?" 

He squeezed my hand and smiled. "Deal." he said as he laid back down in Rowan's bed as he pulled me with him. For being shorter than me Louis was always the bigger spoon and his arms and legs seemed to be like tenticles as they wrapped around my body and we laid there. I had missed this, my eyes felt heavy as I soon saw all black in the room and my brain turned off and it was just me and Louis starting the new year off the proper way. Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being so patient with me. I hit a block and then I went on a much needed vacation (I got tan and drank and hung out with my boyfriend & friends and was away from life). So thank you again and I will be back to writing my life away when I'm not at work (huzzah for a new job). I love you all and thank you again so much for reading!!!! 
> 
>  
> 
> XO Vi


	17. reality [l.t]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Like wildflowers; you must allow yourself to grow in all the places people thought you never would || E.V_

There was a fear about returning to that campus. Leaving the safe comforts of Rowan's parents and face society. The fear wasn't about the relationship change for Harry and I. We were a couple. A fantastic partnership of two people who cared and respected each other. No, this fear was different. It was what the outside world would say and or do. Harry had been fighting this battle with society longer than I had while he tended to opt the more peaceful like Ghandi while I was more physician like any other bloody person in history. But we had two days left, we were leaving Sunday after brunch and getting back to the city- to get settled in and go get dinner before classes began Monday. 

I had a lot this semester. Final months of Uni. Football. Harry. Harry. I had this gnawing pain I was going to fuck up what I had with Harry by focusing too much on one thing and forget about the other. My mind worked like that, it's why I didn't have a large group of friends or social circle. I was going to make an effort to change that, I cared about Harry more than a human being before and I didn't want him to leave. Ever. 

I wasn't sure if this is what people felt like when they were in love, but it was funny. The dragons seemed to have grown and gotten hotter. My mind was on him, I always wanted to touch him, or be close to him. I felt different and I liked it. He messed with my brain, my speech, I thought about how my actions would affect him and me. I was maturing in a way. Maturing emotionally. 

My fingers moved over the keyboard as I applied for coaching jobs at high schools for 'soccer' as well club 'soccer'. I had a few other jobs pulled up for other avenues but I heard my bedroom door open as Harry walked in. His hair was pulled back into a bun and he had an over sized grey jumper and skinny black jeans and purple and white polka dotted socks. 

"Knock?! I could have been naked!" I told him as he looked up from his iPad and smiled. "Dirty Harry!"

Laughing he walked over and climbed onto my bed (we had been sharing it since he got back but it was mine the holiday break). "Okay shall we compare our schedules darling?" He asked as I tilted my head back and looked at him. He kissed my jawline gently before leaning his back against the wall. "Oi come on mister." 

Rolling my eyes I pull up my work schedule for him to read over my shoulder. "I'm off Friday's from classes but it will be consumed with football and work, along with Sunday's and Monday's." 

"Brilliant. I have classes Monday and Wednesday from 10-10 basically. I have a gap from 2-6." 

"I'll pick you up when I'm done with practice," I told him as he kissed me on my neck and I couldn't help but smile. "I don't have class till noon and then we have practice." I explained. "Tuesday and Thursdays we can have lunch, Ro and Nialler and Jules are off then as well." 

"Okay. I have work Fridays from 1-5 and then Tuesday and Thursday from 5am to 10am and then class from 1-3:30." Harry explained to me as I made note. "Now before you get all you, I know you have football and I won't get upset when you have to be focused on that." 

I turned my head and snuck a kiss from his lips. "Thanks love." 

"Now that the boring stuff is done how about a snog?" Harry laughed as I shut my laptop and climbed onto my bed with Harry. I loved snogging with him, I felt alive and this rush come over me as if there was electricity. Harry giggled as I laid down on my back as he kissed my neck. My hands rested on his hips and I wanted his body closer to mine. As he kissed me his body moved in a slow rhythmic way. I moved my hands up under his jumper as my skin touched his I let out a small moan as he kissed my neck, jawline, and even nibbled on my ear. 

"Fuck me." I hissed as Harry stopped. He pushed himself up and looked down at me, his hair falling to one side of his face.

"What?" I asked as I sat up and Harry sat across from me. His right leg hung off the bed as he smiled a bit at me. "What did I do wrong?" 

Harry shook his head but he had something to say. His face grew serious and alms or like a man who was 80 years old. I hated this face, it made my stomach knot up and my heart race in fear of the news. "I want to be open with you Lou and it's been hard stopping myself when you hiss things out like 'fuck me' when we are snogging but I don't want to in the moment. I don't want to take advantage of the situation." 

What was he talking about. I know my face was confused but he wasn't lying. The more I sat there the more I realized I did say those things... Which was weird. Swallowing I looked down at my hands and my growing boner thinking about Harry. Thinking about Harry being inside of me and me being inside of him. It wasn't a weird concept I was curious about. No I wanted to feel that next step of intimacy with Harry. But not now. Not here at Rowan's parents either. "I want to. Just... Not yet." 

Harry took my hand and gave it a squeeze. "When you are ready know I will be ready and we will do it the proper and safe way." 

"What are you a walking sex Ed class?" I asked as he punched me in the arm and I fell back into the pillow. Laughing he collapsed next to me. He intertwined his fingers with mine and held them over our heads. I watched as his thin fingers covered in rings laid with mine that were bare. "Harry." 

"Yes darling?" 

"I'm scared." 

"Me too." He admitted to me as he kissed the back of my hand. "But if I've learned anything about you, and know anything about me... We can brave the storm." 

"Yeah."

"Yes darling."

"Good." I said as I laid my head on his chest and we laid there not packing but together. My favorite place to be. 

***

I hated that stupid Marimba ringtone was going off in my ear. Why Harry had that as his fucking alarm I wanted to know. But now I wanted it off so I could keep on sleeping. He didn’t have class till later but this alarm was for my football meeting. Moaning I nestled my head deeper into Harry’s side as I heard him laugh, his body rolled over as he wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. “Shower.” 

“No.” I wined like I was five. 

“Louis.” 

“I’ll shower after my workout.” I complained to him as he poked my side and I flinched. 

“You said that yesterday but you sat your ass on the couch and we watched Game of Thrones for several hours.” He pointed out. “And none of your smart arse comments either.” 

“But that’s all that comes out of my mouth,” I said lifting my head as I looked up at him. “Don’t make me go out in the cold. So cold. So warm here.” I said closing my eyes and hid my face again. Harry kissed me on the head as he ran his hands up and down my back. I could sit here for hours as he did that to me. “Stay. No go.” 

“Yes go,” Harry said to me gently. “Get ready for your meeting darling and I will make you a cuppa.” 

Moaning I rolled on my back as Harry slid off the bed, his feet his the tile floor as he grabbed a dressing gown and headed to put the kettle on. We had settled back into our domestic life at Uni. Rowan laughed and said Harry and I are more domestic than her and Niall. I told her no but I might have to retract my statement. Pulling the duvet over my head I laid there in the room as I heard Harry humming. 

“Did you turn off the alarm?” I yelled into the common room. 

“Nope!” he called out to me. “Get up.” 

“No.” 

“Yes or no tea and I go back to sleeping in my bed.” He threatened me. 

“Okay….” 

“Have it your way mate.” He told me as I pushed the duvet off my body and got out of bed. I changed into clean skinny jeans, a white vneck and then a jean shirt over it. I had no clean socks so I grabbed a pair of Harry’s (sadly the only ones he had clean were the blue ones with bananas on them I got him as a joke for Christmas). Pulling those up I grabbed my high top converse and headed out to the common room. The dorm smelt of tea and it made waking up at 6am a little less hellish. Sitting on the couch I unlaced my shoes and slid them onto my feet. “So we are clear on us.” 

“I can kiss you when I want, hold you hand when I want, pinch your ass when I want and make smart arse comments when I want,” I told him as he poured the hot water into the travel mug for me and I rolled the cuffs of my jeans up. “I am not allowed to threaten anyone who makes a comment, punch anyone or use vile language to offend them if they offend me with their words.” 

Harry patted me head and handed me my tea as he looked down and smiled. “Good boy.” 

Glaring at him Harry bent down, his teeth unbrushed, hair a mess and sleep still in his eyes he kissed me and pressed his forehead against mine. “Not a dog.” I told him as he kissed me once more on the nose. 

“I know. Have a good meeting, tell Calvin hello and say that I would love to go out to dinner the four of us.” 

Standing up I cocked my head and did the math. “Oh, Ruby to?” 

“Who did you think I was talking about?” 

“I don’t know but I forgot you have a creepy obsession with babies.” 

Harry’s eyes narrowed as he pressed his lips together. I laughed as I pulled my leather jacket and wrapped the scarf he brought home from London for me around my neck and slipped on my black beanie and grabbed my rucksack. 

"Don't even deny it!" I told him as he rolled his eyes at me. Not fighting me on the fact I was correct and he had a creepy obsession with babbles and children in general. 

"Goodbye you arse." He laughed walking over to me and slapped my ass as I left the dorm. I knew the meeting said from 6:45-8 but I knew couch and it would last till 9:45 and I would have 15 minutes to get food with Harry and walk him to a class he and Rowan had together. 

As I left the dorm the bitter chill of the Chicago winter hit me and stung. It felt as if someone with ice for nails impaled me all over my skin. When I took a breath in my lungs felt as if the were frozen. I needed warmer socks.... Or boots. Tomorrow I would barrow a pair from Harry until I could get my own. My hands were shoved deep into my pockets and my head watched my feet. The wind was so strong my eyes sting of I looked up and straight ahead when I walked. 

"Louis!" I heard someone calling my name. Turning around Calvin was walking towards me as his gloved hand tried to wave to stop me. I did, my feet growing cold on the pavement as I wanted for him to catch up to me. "How was Christmas break?" He asked me as I continued walking. 

"Good." I told him. "How was Ruby's Christmas? Did Father Christmas get her what she wanted?" 

"And more," he laughed. "It was nice being with family and her mom even called."

"How is she doing?" 

"Better, this time she was so hell bent on seeing her. I think she realized she needed the help we got her and is now going through the process of getting better." He explained as we reached the field house. My body froze for a bit, the last time I had been here was when Stan beat the shit out of me. I had known from the day it happened it was Stan. He wore his brothers dogs tags around his neck and as he was leaning over and laughing as he kicked me I ripped his shirt and saw them. "You okay man?"

I nodded letting the fear pass as we headed in and up to a class room. The team was there minus the seniors that graduated last spring. Stan watched as Calvin and I headed to the back row of tables and took our spots. 

"Okay everyone sit down we have a lot to cover and no comments till the end," Coach said as he handed out papers. "We have tryouts next week I need out captains Tomlinson and Luca to be there along with Harris, Davis and Edwards." Coach explained as I saw Calvin looked bummed but he said nothing. 

"I know a good babysitter free and will sit with Ruby in the gym," I whispered as coach explained practice. 

"Who?" 

"Harry." Calvin cocked his head I took a sip of my now semi warm tea. "I'm serious he loves kids and would do it to help you out."

"Are you sure it's not for you to show off?" 

"What?" 

"Really Lou? I've known you four years and am the only one you talk to on the team without looking like to want to chop your head off."

"Rowan told you." 

"Of course she did," he hissed at me with a smile. "I'm your ally here not the enemy. Plus I'm happy for you."

"Ta." I said with a smile as I tried to focus on the meeting. 

We had tryouts Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Practice officially began in two weeks but we were handed a workout schedule along with the games and to plan accordingly with work and other activities that consume our life. Pulling out my phone I sent a picture of the games to Harry and Rowan so they knew and then told Harry he was child sitting this week. 

"We have new uniforms for this year so write down your sizes and numbers you boys want if they are different than the past years. Also, there will be no fighting amongst the team. We are not a teeny poppers evening TV show in the CW. We are adults playing soccer. So if there is any name calling, physical assault, or disobedience to my plays to freeze out a team mate your ass will be benched the rest of the season no matter how good you are." 

I knew the speech was for Stan and I. I also knew that speech wasn't going to stop him or his minions from doing whatever he had planned. Coach usually have this speech but this time his voice sounded different. As if the words he was saying carried weight in his own life. The room was silent as he looked around at each of us. 

"I'm serious. I know colleges push sports but so help me I will bring your ass to the dean and have you expelled if you pull any of that shit.” Coach said more serious than I had seen him about any other matter in school. My eyes looked over as Stan was mocking him with his minions and then snickered. He thought he was untouchable and from where I stood he probably always would be. I didn’t have the balls to tell on him, I knew my life would be even more like hell if I did then if I kept my mouth shut. Guess that was how people like him go away with everything. The victims were terrified for their life, and those around them so they deal with the pain and have those around them free without suffering. Coaches head turned to Stan and his eyes narrowed, his face growing red in anger. “You think that's funny Luca? Out the first game."

"Coach!" Stan yelled throwing his hands up as everyone in the classroom went silent. Never had coach benched me or Stan for our behavior. He had benched kids for swearing at the refs, coming to the game hungover (after he played them, having them vomit on the field and being humiliated then he benched them). But never for being stupid. 

"Serious, I mean it Luca out the first game so tell your little cliche of trouble the same punishment will happen to them." 

Everyone in the room either was looking at someone else, or the floor. No one dared look Coach in the eye but me. I looked at him and then turned to Stan who was red and his ego shrunk about seven sizes. He was just like us and his shit wasn’t going to fly anymore. 

“Get to class, I’m not going to be your excuse why you are late.” Coach told them as everyone hurried out the door as fast as they could, Stan got up and his eyes narrowed at me and I knew I was fucked. Finishing off my tea I tossed the cup into the bin as Coach stopped me. “Louis.” 

Shit. He never used my name. 

“Rodgers can I have a moment?” 

“He can stay coach. He had been assigned to me as protection by Rowan so it doesn’t matter,” I joked as Calvin rolled his eyes at me. 

“I know what Stan did and I can’t pressure you to press charges but know that I won’t tolerate it. My son came out to me three years ago and I know the shit he got for it from his soccer team. You are an amazing player Louis, and I don’t care what you are as long as you play the game like you always have, but know if you need someone to talk to my door is always open for you and you to Harris.” 

“Thanks Coach,” I told him as he patted me on the arm. 

“I mean it Louis. I have eyes all over campus and I won’t allow him to bully you or your partner. Is it that new kid who is tall and wears hats?” 

God did everyone one fucking know. 

“Yes.” 

Coached laughed as he grabbed his leather messenger bag and we headed on out of the classroom. “Well he is lucky son of a bitch Tomlinson. I will see you both Wednesday, also Rodgers if you need you can bring Ruby she might like watching her dad show off a bit.” 

Laughing Calvin smiled. “Thanks coach, I think I will have a sitter but she will still be in the fieldhouse with us.” 

“She is always a joy to have.” he said as he headed to his office and Calvin and I headed back out into the arctic cold of Chicago. 

“I have no class till 2 so I am going to head home or do I need to still be on protection detail?” he laughed as he put on his hat and gloves before we left the field house. 

“I’m fine. I’m going to meet everyone for breakfast I think I should be okay for the walk if not I will yell really loud for help.” I joked slipping my beanie back onto my head and zipping up my jacket. “Harry said he would watch Ruby as well.” 

“Tell him I owe him dinner and beer.” He joked as he pushed open the door and headed on out into the cold. Wrapping the scarf around my neck I was about to leave when Stan came out of the loo. I had nothing to say to him so I was about to leave when my body froze as he finally spoke to me. 

“Why didn’t you rat me out?” 

Interesting first words. At least they were slurs about my sexuality I wasn’t going to say anything. This is what he wanted and there was no fucking way I was going to let him control the situation. 

“So are you a mute now?” He hissed as he walked closer to me. His eyes were hollow like the night he almost beat me to death. The color had drained from his face and he moved almost like a serpent towards me. “Or did Harry fuck you so hard that you lost your voice screaming his name? You know people like you and him don’t belong. You are freaks. Freaks who should stay in the closet and hide, you just go around and flaunt your freaky ways. Just don’t come crying to me when someone beats you up, and you lose any chance of getting a job. No one wants someone who fucks another man working for them. They will think you are a pediphile and you will never work with kids.” 

_Don’t say anything darling. Just let him talk and then walk away. That is the bravest thing you can do is walk away, show no emotion and let him stand there looking a fool._ Harry’s voice kept saying over and over in my head. 

“What do you have to say Tomlinson? ANSWER ME!” He yelled as his neck vein seemed to show as his face turned red. The rage in his voice took me back a bit. He was so concerned about my personal life that I didn’t care.

“See you on Wednesday Stan.” I said pushing the door open and walking as fast as I could up to the cafeteria. My face stung a tear fell down the side of my face and I walked. Taking my hand, half frozen I wiped the tear away as I headed into the cafeteria. I scanned my ID card and grabbed coffee and cereal. I wasn’t hungry but if I didn’t eat Harry would ask what was wrong and I didn't want to talk about it. Not now. 

“There he is, how was the meeting?” Rowan asked as I sat down next to Harry as he kissed me on the cheek. I watched as Rowan’s eyes narrowed at me and I just looked at her, I watched as she fought every urge to say something but bit her bottom lip and picked at the rest of the food on her plate. 

“Same old shit a different day,” I said as I picked a strawberry off of Harry’s plate. “But you are okay to watch Ruby?” 

Harry nodded as he swallowed his piece of toast he was eating. “Yes plus I get to see you in your football uniform so it’s a win win no?” 

I laughed but I didn’t mean it. I wanted to but I had this weight on me thanks to Stan. Niall went back for his second round of food while Julia and Rowan talked about their upcoming classes and the plan for lunch tomorrow. I sat there like normal silently picking at my food as my mind was in another world. One where Stan wasn’t real and Harry and I could be ourselves, the way we were when we were in our dorm without people being people. I hate people. I hate stupid people. I hate how I felt sitting here worried that if I walked out the door I would be attacked. I still had night terrors about Stan, my chest grew tight and I felt that I couldn’t breath, all the hair had been taken from my lungs and I was suffocating. If I turned to fast I would still have a shooting pain in my side and my head would feel as if it was in a vice at times as well. 

“Well we have to get to class, you coming Lou or are you going to stay in la la land?” Rowan asked me as I looked up and realized that they had all thrown their rubbish away and the table was clear. 

“Right, sorry.” I said clearing my throat as I got up and headed to put my stuff away as well. Rowan, Julia and Niall waited for me by the door as Harry followed, he said nothing for he was collecting his thoughts. He knew me, and if I didn’t want to talk about it I wouldn't. Even to him. “I’m fine.” 

“I know.” 

I set my tray down on the belt as it was taken back into the kitchen. “Then why do you have that look?” 

“I don’t.” 

“You have the Harry look. The look when I tell you there is nothing wrong and you say that you know but you don’t believe me for you know I’m lying and I know that you know that I’m lying but I don’t want to talk about it so we wait until we do.” 

Harry shrugged as he put my beanie on his head. “Didn’t know that was a look I had.” 

“Don’t be a tosser.” 

“Don’t be one either,” he smirked back at me. Harry held out his hand and I took it, locking out fingers together as we walked to his class. I walked close to him as so our hands didn't show. I felt a few eyes on me but I kept my head held high. "We don't have to kiss if you don't want to darling." Harry said as we stood outside the building, and I felt my stomach turn. 

"Nope." I told him as I stood on my tip toes and kissed him on his lips. "I will meet you when your class ends." 

"Look forward to it," Harry said as he grabbed my coat, pulled me in and kissed me once before walking into class. "Have a good day and don't get into to much trouble." 

I rolled my eyes but smiled. Shoving my hands back into my coat I had a few hours to kill before class so headed towards Niall's dorm he was in my music class we were taking and I didn't want to sit by myself in my dorm. 

"Hi Louis." 

I stopped as Michal smiled up at me as he walked in front of me. I never really spoke to him, we had a class together when we were freshmen I think it was math. He had hit on me and I had denied him (I also didn't realize he was hitting on me till Rowan told me). "Hello..."

"Welcome."

What was he talking about. 

"It's nice to be open about one's sexuality isn't it?" 

I stood there my face was vacant as I wasn't sure what he was implying and I didn't want to freak out. 

"I mean it's a big deal, you're a star on the soccer field and now you are with Harry."

"And the point of the conversation is...." I asked trying not to appear to ride. 

Michal looked back at me confused. I watched his body adjust and he cleared his throat several times before pushing his glasses up his nose and looking at me. "You are gay right."

"No."

"But you are dating Harry." 

"Yes." It was simpleton understand.

"So then... What are you?"

"Why does it matter?" I asked him. "My personal life is for me and the people involved to know what I am and what I'm not. It's not to be rude but that's how my life works. So you can cancel the parade and big speech for it's not me." I explained as I grabbed the door to Niall's dorm as someone walked out. "Have a good day." 

Fuck today. I hissed as I needed to find a way to get out of my classes. I was over today. 

***

"He has been here since 3," Julia told Rowan as I laid on her couch hiding. Today has been a train wreck. After Michal had approached me Eli came up to me after my music class and went off on me about taking Harry away from him and that I was just an ass who wanted everything for me and not anyone else. I then checked on Facebook before my business class and had been invited to the LGBT page for our campus. Only to have a few girls who I had never seen before ask if I was gay and they had always wanted to have sex with a gay man. I ditched the workout class with my teammates sending coach an email I was sick. I was. I hate this attention. Sure when I was out on the football field I'm almost acting. I'm playing the role of a football player. I can hide behind the uniform and sweat. This. This stuff with Harry was my life. People who I never spoke to suddenly were talking to me. I wasn't gay. I didn't know what I was. All I knew was I liked Harry. No one else and he could be a female and I would still like him. 

I heard Rowan in the kitchen. She was probably texting Harry, letting him know I was safe. I had just run away like I always do. Closing my eyes I listened as she walked from the kitchen to the couch. "Up." 

I raised my head as she sat down and laid it in her lap. 

"What happened?"

"I'm not gay." 

"Ah." She said without me even having to explain. "Have you talked to Harry about today?" She asked me. 

I shook my head. 

"I think it's important that you do. Not running and hiding in my apartment." 

I moaned as she flicked my shoulder. "Ouch."

"So you're not gay. People don't get that, they think there are boxes. Straight and Gay. There is no wiggle room. While there are so many boxes and paths that lead to boxes. Our sexuality is changing its not a statue. I know you're not gay you just love Harry. Only him. Harry is gay and loves you. Only you." 

"You think he loves me?" 

"Since the moment you two met. She said smiling down at me. "Harry understands you and that you don't fit into the two boxes. It's okay because none of us really fit in those boxes society designed. Why? There unrealistic just like most of what society tells us. It's this ideal place but very few are the ideal person or have the ideal life. It's messy and complicated and beautiful. So don't get boggled down with people placing you in a box. Sometimes that's what they need to don't understand what is going on." 

"I saw Stan today.” I explained to her. “He asked why I never told on him and I realized that I was worried about Harry. I didn’t want him to go after Harry, or you and Niall or Julia.” I told her. “I think about it everyday if I had done something would life have changed? Or would they had let it pass since he was in college and there was no proof. Just my word against his and his father’s money.” 

“Louis.” 

“No I haven’t told Harry this. I don’t want to. I don’t like to think of that day and the pain I put him in and you. I hurt him that day and he is still… he still is hurt from that day and it makes me sick that I did that to him.” 

I knew Rowan wanted me to tell him. I knew that she was dying inside that I never did anything but she wa Rowan and she would listen to me and never overstep her rights as a friend to me. "His class ends in 15 minutes get some coffee and talk don't keep it inside it will get better." 

Sitting all the way up Rowan wrapped her arms around me and gave me a hug. I hugged her back. She was right and I needed to talk to Harry before I did anything stupid. Getting up from her couch I bundled back up to get Harry. Slipping my rucksack on I headed out of her flat, down the steps and put the door as the wind hit my lungs. Shoving my hands into my pocket I walked towards campus. I had been rotten today, and I had promised myself I was going to stop running but it was hard. It's what I had done since I was 13. Runaway when I didn't know what to do, and running was only going to jeopardize me and Harry. 

The walk back was quick, I didn't want to be late, I had promised Harry I would be there when his glass let out and I intended to be. Sliding off one strap of my rucksack from my shoulder I dug for my smokes and lighter. My hands shook, I was trying to quit but fuck it all. I needed to calm my nerves I was stressed and was over today. I slipped the cigarette between my lips, cupping the end of the smoke to block the wind. I lit the end and took a long drag and I felt the smoke fill my lungs and my entire body seemed to calm down. The smoke filled the dark sky as I looked up at the stars. The universe was so vast and I was small. Nothing that important but when I was with Harry I felt important, that the universe cared about me, my life, future and my thoughts. 

"Those are going to kill you." I turned around as Harry stood outside his classroom. 

"Am I late?"

"We got out early but Rowan told me you were on your way."

"Sorry." 

Harry smiled, and as much as I wanted to hate myself Harry looked at me and I was okay. He reached out his hand and laced his fingers with mine as we walked to our dorm. "What happened?"

I shrugged as I took another drag. 

"Michal told me that he approached you and you told him basically to bugger off." 

"Yep."

"Good, he is too nosey." Harry told me as I was released and laughed as the smoke escaped my lungs. "You don't have to tell anyone what you are. It's not their business and I know what you are." 

I turned to him. "What?"

"Harrysexual."

I scoffed as I took another drag of my smoke. "That's not a real thing."

Harry shook his head as a few curls fell out of the beanie. "No it's what happens when someone named Louis William Tomlinson falls for a strapping young lad named Harry Edward Styles. It's a new discovery and there has only been one case and it happens to be here in Chicago." 

I tried not to laugh as he kept talking. 

"And it's funny because there is another case in Chicago where a man is Louissexual when a strapping young lad named Harry Edward Styles is madly and deeply taken away with a sassy ass man named Louis Edward Tomlinson. It's a rare case but both men realized that when you like someone you can fuck everyone else for they don't matter." 

"When you say fuck it's funny." I laughed as Harry nudged me. "So you aren't mad?" I asked as we reached the dorm, as Harry unlocked the door I dropped my smoke on the ground and put it out with the heel of my shoe. 

"No darling. I'm cold and would love a nice song before tea and homework." 

"That I can do," I told him as we reached the dorm and I saw Stan standing outside. I held my breath as we walked in and the door shut behind us. Shaking my head I looked back out the door and there was no one there. 

"What's wrong?"

"I need to talk to you about the night Stan beat me up.” I said as Harry froze in the hallway of the dorm. He gave my hand a squeeze and we headed on into the dorm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey readers 
> 
> Sorry it took so long to update with a new job and getting home from vacation I had a lot to get done and I would write when I could. But alas a new chapter!! While writing I added more chapters for things that are going to happen with Louis and Harry so I'm excited about that as well. Thank you all for reading and the kudos and comments they are beautiful and I love each and every one of you!!! 
> 
> So I might start posting these drabbles I guess they would be. When I think of an idea of how Harry and Louis would be as parents or if I'm in a weird situation I usually text these random and funny stories to my best friend so I might post a few (not 100% sure). 
> 
> I will try and update more regularly since I've gotten over the hump of writers block and I need something to occupy my time now that I'm not in the Florida sun. Thank you again and comments are much appreciated and loved!!! 
> 
> XO Vi


	18. explanation [l.t]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _What's comin will come and we'll meet it when it does || Hagrid_

Harry was silent as we walked into the dorm. We both shrugged off our coats, toed off our shoes and set out ruck sacks by the couch I wasn't sure how to begin this. I had buried this for a long while. I never spoke about the night not even when Benjamin asked in the every so sly way. I took a deep breath in as I pulled out my smokes and put one between my lips. Opening up the window I lit the end and took a drag. Hanging my hand out the window I closed my eyes and tilted my head back. "I don't do this. So it might take me a while to form the words." I explained as I moved to the window and took another drag. Turning my head I watched as Harry took a seat down on the couch, he pushed the sleeves up his jumper up and watched me. I took a few more drags before putting the smoke out on the side of the building and dropping it down onto the pavement. I walked the few steps as I took a seat across from Harry on the edge of the coffee table. Swallowing I felt the lump in my throat growing every second. I saw the words and phrases floating in my head but none of them stopped and made a proper sentence. They all were wrong. They would come out all wrong and I would sound an idiot. 

I opened my mouth to speak but it felt as if someone's hands were around my neck and slowly tightening their grip strangling me. There was no air to my lungs, and my heart seemed to slow down almost stopping from panic. Running my hands of my knee Harry reached forward and took my hand, giving it a squeeze he looked at me and smiled, "when you are ready darling." 

Taking a breath I closed my eyes and the words stopped, I felt air enter my lungs and I began to relive a night I had been running from since it happened. “That night when you went shopping with Niall I went to the gym and ran. I needed to think and I wasn’t sure why I was so upset,” I explained to him as I held his hand and looked down at my converse. “Umm so I just ran to the point where my legs wanted to give out and I was about to vomit and the room was spinning. So I stopped and that is when Stan came in.” I explained to him as I closed my eyes as I was brought back to that. 

_"Where is your butt buddy?" He asked snickering as I finished the water in my water bottle. I lifted my shirt and wiped off my face as I rolled my eyes at him. "Or is he bored with you since you don't like to touch other people."_

_I grabbed my ID case and walked past him as Stan put his hand out and stopped me. "I need to shower." I told him as I removed his hand from my chest and walked past him. My body shook as I knew he was looking me down as I walked away._

"When I got back to the dorm I stripped down and showered. I kept thinking about you and I was trying to figure out how to text you I was sorry. I never apologized so it was weird." I explained as Harry laughed. 

"The apologizing part is funny," he told me as I cocked my head. "You still don't." 

"Oh piss it." I sat hitting his arm as he smiled and shook his head at me. “Anyway since you can’t shut up to let me finish I went to text you and apology but Ro was at work and I had no one to well… read it over and make sure it sounded good.” 

I watched Harry bite the bottom of his lip as he tried not to smile at me. Why he thought that was cute was annoying but I would get back to that later. “Okay so what did you do since I never got a text?” 

“I had some beer left over so I thought I would order pizza. So I called in the order and was going to have it delivered. Why go out when I had fifa and beer. So I ordered the food and then put on my jeans and t-shirt nothing fancy. The pizza came and I paid and picked it up at the door and then headed back into the dorm,” I explained to him as I stood up letting go of his hand and began to pace back and forth in front of the coffee table. Harry pulled his legs up to his chest so I had a clear path to walk. “I sat there and had a beer and pizza but I couldn’t play fifa. I was really upset that you were upset with me and I kept playing what happened in the cafeteria over and over again in my head and realized that I was the one who was wrong and not you when I first thought it was you. I then was worried you were going to hate me and to spite me go out on a date with Eli.” 

“That wasn’t out of spite love,” Harry assured me. 

I nodded. I knew that now once I stopped being stupid and listened to Harry when he told me things. “So I finished my dinner and still had yet to play any fifa. Since I needed to toss the rubbish for I didn’t want you coming home and getting upset about that I just took my ID. leaving my mobile, and everything in the dorm. I unlocked the door and headed down the to bins behind the building. That is when it happened.” 

_The dark sky seemed to engulf the campus and it was peaceful. My vans walked over the pavement as I headed around the back of the building to the rubbish bins. I lifted the lid and tossed the bin liner and then my pizza box. I was going to head back to the dorm and clean it up, so when Harry came back he wouldn’t be upset with me and proud that I cleaned. I was about to turn around when a hand covered my mouth and I felt something on my back._

_“Say anything and die,” the voice said low and forced. I knew they were trying to hide who they were but I could tell it was Drew. I was going to listen to them, I didn’t want to end up hurt or have my neck snapped. He motioned for me to walk to the field house. As I walk I kept my head straight ahead as my eyes looked to see if there was anyone around. Of course there wasn’t. Why would there be when I needed someone. But then again most people wouldn't think twice about me on campus. I kept to myself._

_Harry._

_My gut dropped as I knew he would be texting me and worrying about me. I didn’t want him to worry about me. I was fine. I could handle myself but he didn’t need this extra stress. Fuck. If anything did happen he would be Harry and blame himself. It was me being stupid like always. Me. I did this and he needed to know._

_I walked into the field house as I heard the heavy door slam shut. The entire building was dark, they must have nicked a key. I still kept my mouth shut as I was motioned to walk to the locker room. “You know this is very teenage drama movie feel I would expect more from you Drew,” I said as I felt the sharp object press harder into my spine as I arched my back and his hand grabbed my shoulder I realized I should shut the fuck up. For once I was going to listen to what I was told to do. I pushed the locker room door open and there was two more men dressed in all black with masks over their faces._

_Drew kicked me knee in and I fell to the floor. My knee crashed on the concrete and I bit my lip not to cry out in pain. One of the masked men who were standing on the bench jumped down and grabbed me by the hair, lifting my head up I saw his lips curve into a smile as he laughed. Letting go of my head he took his shoe and kicked me in the stomach. I doubled over as I gasped, I knew I was going to vomit up my food and beer. I began to crawl towards the lockers, I needed some leverage to push me up and I could get away._

_The second man who was standing there just watched, his arms were crossed over his chest and he was the head of this. I looked up at him as I felt a shoe in my side, then in my stomach, one stepping down on my face as I could taste copper in my mouth and salt. Spitting down I could see the blood coming from my mouth and dripping from my nose._

_I closed my eyes as I felt a fist hit my face and I heard my nose crack. I had broken my nose a few times thanks to football but never from a fist. I laid there, maybe if I didn’t fight back they would stop. The kicking continued for several minutes as my eyes were closed I pictured Harry. I kept his face smiling, he was wearing that stupid hat as we walked through Millennium park he had some weird smoothie from Starbucks while I had straight coffee. He was happy, I was happy. I kept picturing the way his lips curved up and the dimples on the side of his face. How he would touch my arm and I never flinched or how we had to take selfies at the Bean but I didn’t mind. I kept thinking that if I made it out alive that I would have Harry and I would stop being me and open up to Harry._

_Curling into a ball as the final kick pushed my stomach to the limit and up came my pizza and beer. I could smell it and it was vile. The two men who were kicking me freaked out and jumped back. If I had known this I would have vomited sooner. I took a few deep breaths and my chest hurt, I was gasping for air as I held my side. I could feel my face swelling as I felt a hand on my shirt. I was dragged through my vomit and I felt the floor change from the concrete to the tile of the showers._

_They were going to drown me._

_This was it. I was going to die and I was never going to tell Harry how I feel about him. Us. Me. The third man sat me up against the wall of the shower as he bent down, he was inches away from my face as he patted my face he then took his fist and punched me. My head hit the wall and I remember my body slid down the man sat me back up and punched me again. The second time I fell on the ground he let me lay there as I waited for the water to turn on. I cried out as he stepped on my knee and I heard it pop._

_The three masked men laughed and I reached down to grab my knee but he took my hands and ripped them off my leg. I wanted him to talk to I could know who this ass whole was. I felt him kick me once more as I reached up and grabbed his black shirt, it ripped a bit as I opened up my eyes and saw the dog tags I heard them clink together and I knew that I had him and that was all that mattered._

“I saw those dog tags and I knew that it was Stan. He didn’t need to speak but I knew.” I stopped pacing the room as I looked at Harry. His eyes were glassed over with tears, his face was blotchy and red as he took the back of his hand and wiped his eyes. “I thought I was going to die. Once I saw the dog tags he kicked me and punched my face and turned the water on. I counted and kept telling myself that you would come and find me. You would come there and rescue me and I would be okay. I just needed to stay awake and not give up until I saw your face.” 

My hands shook. I needed another smoke. Hell I needed to chain smoke my entire pack as I stood there and waited for Harry to say something. Harry held out his hand as I walked over to him and sat down on the couch next to him. His jaw was clenched as I rested my head on his shoulder and felt him kiss me gently on the head. “Don’t cry.” 

“It’s hard not to,” he said his voice cracked a bit as I laced my fingers with his. “You got hurt so bad and it hurts me that Stan did that to you. I don’t… It’s hard for me to hear those words come from your mouth and know that I couldn’t have stopped that. I could have been in the dorm and none of that would have happened.” 

I kissed the back of his hand. "But if you were, then us might not have happened." I explained to him sitting up and looking at Harry. "I'm okay now. I have you, I have us and I'm happy." 

"You are something else Louis Tomlinson." Harry said as he kissed me. As our lips parted he pressed his forehead against mine. "Was it hard being back there?" 

I nodded. "Yes but I'm not hiding. I never turned him in for the fear of him lashing out on you and Rowan. He never spoke and his word, where his father is a big wig in Chicago politics of a harrysexual footie players there was no contest. I was losing. But I wanted you to be safe." 

"I am." 

"Good." 

Harry closed his eyes as I watched him. I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to tell Harry that I loved him. I wanted to take my hands and undress him and watch his body and tattoos. I wanted to lay here with Harry forever. I wanted to tell him that I loved him but I kept those words inside. It was hard, I never used those words unless it was family. I saw Ro as family and loved her like my sister. But Harry I loved him like my other half. I loved him where I felt safe to tell him anything. I loved him. Simple as that. If this was love, never feeling afraid and talking and having your insides always be happy then I wanted this to never go away. I always had to catch myself before I let those words slip. They were special words and once they left my mouth they would hold more weight in the world than anything else. 

"Can you make me a cuppa?" I asked trying to lighten up the mood. A laugh escaped Harry's lips as he at me and I gave him my cheekiest

"Yes to tea and no to snogging," he told me. "You have your snogging face on but I have work." 

Giving Harry the puppy dog face he got up and I turned around on the couch as he turned the kettle on. "Please."

Harry just shook his head as he got two mugs and the tea out. "Thank you for telling me Lou. I know that night was like a scene from a movie. But know that I'm here, we are a partnership and know that," Harry stopped as he turned around and walked over and took my hands. "I'm here and as shitty as the road might be with tossers like Stan, or Eli it's us against them. Don't give up on me Lou for I promise I'm never going to give up on you or us." 

Kneeling on the couch I cupped Harry's face and kissed him. "Friday we are going to an official date." I told him as he stepped back and looked at me a bit confused. "What?" 

"An official date?" 

I nodded. "Like you know fancy dress, nice dinner a kiss or hundreds." I told him smiling up at him. "Is that bad?" 

"Just be yourself my darling," he said to me. "Be Tommo." 

I could do that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello darlings! 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter (: it was a good one to write! Thanks for reading and I am on a good roll and write whenever I have wifi and can!! 
> 
> I love you all (: stay amazing!!
> 
> XO Vi


	19. trainwreck [l.t]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same || Emily Bronte_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next two chapters I decided to write Louis and Harry's POV of the date so that is why it's taken so long for I was torn on how to write this chapter but thanks to my friend she threw out some ideas for me and I the one that helped me rid myself of the writers block. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading it means the world to me. I am truly humbled by your comments. I could kiss you all and give you hugs and I would make you tea and thank you over and over in person if I could. 
> 
> XO  
> Violet

How Niall did this for Rowan as often as he did boggled my mind. I was stressed. I had been since I told Harry we were going on an official date. It was what couples did and even as abnormal as a couple that we were it felt right. Or that it should be done at least once. I had been on google and had searched for the most romantic restaurant in Chicago. I had read review after review and made call after call. I finally settled on a French restaurant called Bistro Campagne. I had even gone to the restaurant to make sure they had my name down. My head had been in the clouds with school and thankfully I was able to channel my stress with the football tryouts, which were better than I thought. We found some new men and we should have a brilliant team. But what was even better was watching Harry with Ruby. He sat with her on the bleachers as she made silly sounds and they would clap for Calvin when he would make a goal. He was so delicate with children and had a way where they saw him and fell in love. I told him it was the hair, he told me to piss off. 

I was glad to not have classes Friday. I had left early and went running in the gym, I had listened to my playlist fully through before calling it quits. Harry had to work and was off at 4. I told him I would be back at 5 to get him for our date. I had decided to keep my mind occupied which called me picking up a shift at work, and then going with Julia to the dentist as she got her teeth cleaned and then I was back sitting in their flat on the couch as Julia did her school work and Rowan came in with Niall. 

“Well you are a sight for sore eyes,” she laughed unzipping her boots and hanging up her winter jacket. “Why do you look like you just saw a ghost Lou?” 

“I’m not a person to go on a date.” I told her as I stood up and ran my hands through my hair. “I don’t get dressed up, I don’t talk fancy. I am a lazy arse who plays footie and eats too much Chipotle. Harry is wise and he talks like an educated man and I’m not. I swear to much, drink a lot at times and it’s not going to work.” I told her as I began to ramble and my hands shook and chest tightened up. “I have my heads in the clouds and have for a long while now Ro. I just. I will call it off and I will move to a different dorm and it will go back to normal” 

Rowan walked over to the container on her fireplace and pulled out a pack of smokes and tossed them to me with a lighter. I grabbed one from the carton and shoved it between my lips and lit the end. She set an ashtray on the coffee table and stood there was I gained color in my complexion. 

“Okay now that you had your melt down and I’m allowing you to smoke in my home can you tell me why you are so worried?” Rowan asked me as Niall headed into the kitchen and began to raid it for food. “You and Harry have been on more dates than I can count, from going to get food, or coffee or ice cream, movies, or sitting in your dorm while you sing along to Grease and Harry laughs at you and sings along.” Rowan told me as I took a drag and glared at her. “Yeah your boo thang told me about that when he had one too many glasses of wine.” She laughed. 

“I don’t like this.” 

“Stress?” She asked me as I flopped back on the couch, my feet propped up on the coffee table as I tapped the end of the smoke in the ashtray and took another drag. “You know what I’ve learned over my years of being with a man that I love. The stress you feel now is good.” 

I scoffed at her. 

“Louis when is the last time you put this much thought, and care into something for someone?” She asked me sitting down next to me. “Seriously.” 

I sat there and thought. 

Never.

Sure I got cards and presents for those who I was close to but I never did this. It felt right. Just going above and beyond for Harry. Pushing away my fears and anxieties to make him happy. I went out and even got new clothes for the date I had watched enough of Harry’s sappy romantic films and got an idea how to act. I know that he wanted me to be me but I wanted him to have a good time and when I am me people get hurt and things go to shit. 

“Never.” 

“I know you and you wouldn’t shave unless I threaten you but one date with Harry and you are clean shaved and showered.” Rowan joked as I put my smoke out in the ashtray and stood up. I had to get ready and get back to the dorm. 

“Am I overdoing it?” I asked stopping Niall as He took a bite out of his apple in his hand. 

Niall shook his head. “No,” he told me. “It’s the first date you are supposed to feel like you are about to pass out, that you can’t eat and you want to not go. But know that whatever happens it will what the universe wanted. So have fun, it’s Harry there is no need to be so uptight about the night.” 

People needed to stop telling me not to worry. I was horrified. My skin was crawling and I wanted to run. Grabbing my ruck sack I walked to the loo, locking the door it was time to change and start the evening. I stripped down from the casual clothes and slipped on my new black skinny trousers that came up above my ankles. I buttoned up my black button down which I tucked in and then slipped on my grey suit jacket with patches on the elbows. I sat down on the edge of the bathtub and slipped my shoes onto my feet and tied them up. Standing up I looked in the mirror. My face was shaved, my hair was styled back a bit like a modern James Dean. 

Glancing in the mirror I took a few deep breaths and smiled. I could do this. It was Harry. I just needed to tell my nerves this. 

Gathering up my clothes I tossed them in my bag and headed out, I grabbed my black pea coat and slipped that on with scarf and gloves. I had my wallet and mobile in the pockets already. “Bye.” I said as Rowan held Niall’s hand and they looked like parents watching their son go on this first date and Julia sat at the table and smiled up at me like a proud sister. “I’m not going off to war.” 

Letting go of Niall’s hands Rowan pulled me into a hug. “Be you Louis that is who Harry loves.” She reminded me as she kissed my cheek and I headed out and back to the dorm. Thankfully I had enough smokes to get me to the dorm without my nerves flaring up. They sky was grey and I had hoped that the snow held off. At least until after dinner and the lights that were still up in the city and for the carriage ride I had planned through the Zoo. 

Pulling my cigarettes out and lit the first one and placed it between my lips taking a drag I tried to push the nerves at bay. It was odd this feeling of a first date. It was excitement and terror. What if it went wrong what if he realized now that we weren’t right. What if me falling for a man who has so much to give me and I have so little to give back turns and walks away and leaves me there more shattered than I was before. I watched the smoke leave my lips and fill the sky. Was this the feeling of falling love. Not knowing if you are about to cry out in joy or crash and break into a thousands a pieces. 

Rowan had made me think and Harry was different. He had been since I saw him and even now he was still the same but different than anyone. Different in a way that I loved and wanted the world to see. I dropped the smoke to the ground as I watched it fizzled out in the snow as the campus came into view. I knew that Harry would be ready, and he would look perfect like he always did making me look like a poor ass hole standing next to him. Lighting another smoke as the crosswalk changed and I made my way towards campus. My heart seemed to slow down as everything around me seemed to walk in slow motion and every step the road seemed to grow a few more miles. 

I was barking mad. 

Why did I think this would work? Happiness was a fleeting feeling and one day I know I am going to wake up and it will be all taken away. The world doesn’t allow people like me to be happy for too long. I want to believe in love and I do. Even if it was all taken away right now I would die happy. 

I froze, my black shoes a contrast to the white snow around me. 

That was it. 

The feeling that Harry talked about in his video. True passionate and raw love. 

I shook my head and dropped the smoke into the snow before popping a mint into my mouth. I needed to focus and not think about that. Not yet. After the date. If it went well then I would tell Harry. If it went to hell then I would keep my lip. Scanning my ID and headed on into the dorm. My feet felt like cinderblocks as I walked up the two flights of steps. I heard some students laughing as some girls headed down the steps past me ready to hit the bars. Everything seemed to be a dream as I walked down the hallway. My feet felt as if they were floating on the carpet. But I somehow ended up at my dorm door. Reaching into my pocket I riffled for the key. 

This was it. 

Sticking the key into the lock I headed on into the dorm. As I walked in Harry was jumping up and down and then he stopped. He smiled up at me as I looked at him he was dressed like Harry. His hair was almost perfect with his loose curls that hung on his shoulders, he had on a pair of black trousers with a black shirt that had white hearts all over it. My eyes looked down and saw that he was wearing his black glittered boots. 

“Hello darling.” He said and as he smiled my nerves died down a bit. “You look handsome.” 

“I shaved.” I stuttered to him. 

“I can see,” Harry chuckled as I felt like an idiot. “Plus you were humming to The Eagles this morning while you shaves.” 

I furrowed my brow at him. 

“It was cute and don’t tell me that you didn’t for you did.” He said as he raised a brow and I just rolled my eyes but smiled at him as I tried to find the words to speak. I was just stumped. “So are you telling me where we are going?” 

“Nope. So stop asking,” I told him as I held out my hand and Harry linked his fingers with mine. Leaving the dorm I walked with my head held high as a few people looked but most just walked past us which I was pleased about. I pressed the lift button and we waited there. I leaned against the wall and Harry leaned into me and kissed me on the lips his hands rested on my hips as his body was pressed up against mine and I moved my hands and cupped his ass and gave it a squeeze. Harry bit my bottom lip as I held back a moan and pressed my head against Harry’s. 

“Know that I’m very excited about tonight whatever you have planned no matter how grand or how casual because we are out together.” He explained to me as the lift doors opened up and we headed on in and headed down. As we left the dorm we headed out as the cold wind hit us. Harry let go of my hand and buttoned up his long black coat as I saw the town car I had booked for the night was there. Harry raised a brow as I just smiled and opened up the back door for him. Harry got in as I walked around to the other side and got in next to him. Once the door was shut the driver Alx (who Rowan’s father used at times when he needed to go to the airport) headed to the restaurant. 

“I’m excited to.” I told him as I realized he told me that several moments ago. “How was your day?” I asked him since I hadn’t talked to him all day. “I know you had a shift at the coffee house.” 

Harry nodded. “It was decent, they are wanting to do an open mic night so Niall said he was going to play the guitar and that I would sing and he would back me so we shall see. I need to make flyers and post them around campus and hopefully people will show up. I don’t want it to be the Harry and Niall show.” He chuckled and ran his hands through his hair. 

“What song would you sing?” I asked happy that he was going to this. I loved his voice and would stop whatever I was doing to hear him sing. His voice was deep and rough but yet sweet as an angel. I also knew Niall could sing and loved to play around with that guitar of his. We had gotten drunk a few times and I knew that there were videos of me and Niall singing drunk somewhere out there on the interweb. 

“Not sure maybe Ed or Florence + The Machine.” He explained to me as I knew he would be practicing and I would be able to listen to him sing all day long which never got old. Ever. “I need to talk with Niall and then we can go from there.” 

“You can always sing that song you hum in the morning when you think I’m sleeping.” I suggested to him as Harry cocked my head a bit as if he didn't know what I was talking about. Huffing I began to hum the song but he still just looked at me. “And there’s no guarantee that this will be easy. It’s not a miracle you need, believe me. Yeah, I’m no angel, I’m just me and I will love you endlessly.” I sang to him as Harry’s eyes grew wide as he heard me sing for the first time. “Yes I can sing why does this shock you.” 

“I just thought you were doing something with music for… well lord only knows but Louis. Why didn’t you tell me you have a voice?” 

“I don’t show it off,” I shrugged. “It’s for the showers and drunk karaoke so don’t get any ideas.” I told him as I tapped his nose and Harry just smiled and I knew this wouldn’t be the last of me signing or him asking me to. As the car came to the restaurant I got out and told Harry to wait. I ran around the car and opened up the door for Harry as he took my hand and I helped him out of the car. “Google told me about this place,” I said as I felt my hands getting all clammy in the gloves as Harry and I walked into the restaurant. If google and Ro lied to me about this place I was going to kill her and Google. 

“Donc ça veut dire qu’on va parler français toute la nuit?” Harry asked me and as he spoke those words I had to bite my bottom lip. There was something about the language of love coming from his perfectly pink lips that made my knees go week and I wanted to take him then and there. 

“Peut-être.” I replied back with a cheeky smile and held the door open for him as he walked in and I followed behind. The restaurant was what I thought Harry would like it was classy like him. The hostess behind the front podium smiled as I walked next to Harry and walked up to her. “Tomlinson party of two for 6.” I told her as she smiled up at me and looked down at the list. I watched as her finger ran over the list and then I watched as she hesitated and my heart dropped. 

No. 

No. No. No. No. No. I thought to myself as she looked back up and as nicely as she could she smiled at me and I knew that they didn’t have my reservation. No. No. No. No. 

“I’m sorry Mr. Tomlinson but I don’t see your reservation.” 

_Keep calm. Just breath you will be okay_. I told myself as I took a deep breath in and looked over as Harry just smiled. I couldn't have this go wrong I had no back up plan. It was fucking Friday night in the city I was screwed. "Can you check again?" I asked her my voice shook a bit as I tried to keep my composure as she did. 

My hand twitched a bit but I kept the smokes away and my face calm. But inside I was dying. Why now? I just needed this one night of be perfect. To show I wasn't a rubbish boyfriend and that Harry didn't get the last kid picked. That I could do something romantic even though the whole concept was foreign and new to me. I wanted for once the universe to take a fucking break from fucking up my life. Just one night. 

"Louis prend une profonde inspiration et tout se passera bien." Harry told me as I stood there. I wanted to believe it but somehow in my stomach I knew tonight was going to be a disaster. I was the poster boy for everything that could go wrong would go wrong. 

"I'm sorry. I still don't see your name. I can call my manager and see if you knows anything. But we are completely booked." 

They would be. "Tout ne se passe pas bien. Tout va ma," I said under my breath as I smiled at the girl. "No thank you." I told her as I turned on my heels and walked towards the door. I heard Harry say something to the gilt but I kept walking. Pushing the glass door open I realized we didn't have a car. Not until 7:45. 

I quickly pulled out my mobile and began to try and do damage control. I didn't want pizza of American cuisine. I wanted French. I wanted to sit with Harry and talk French for hours. But that was all shot to hell. 

"Shit." I hissed as I knew all this looking was a lost cause. Shoving my mobile back into my pocket I reached for my cigarettes as I felt a hand on my lower back. Harry stood next to me and smiled, a bright and safe smile. 

"I saw a Cosí up the road why don't we eat there?" Harry said. "It's better than standing in the cold and I don't mind." He assured me and I knew he didn't. But I did. I wanted this night to be the best date ever as stupid and cliche as it sounded but all I had now was an embarrassing scene at the restaurant and us waking in the fucking cold. "Louis don't have a long face. I don’t have a long face." 

I turned my head towards him as he cupped my face as we stopped at a crosswalk. "Okay." I promised him leaning forward and kissed him. His lips cold and chapped from the wind but still tastes like vanilla. The light changed and the group of us waiting now crossed the street and I took Harry's hand as we walked toward the same Cosí we ate at our first date before we were dating. The restaurant wasn't to full which pleased me. I slid my gloves off my hand as Harry and I walked up to the counter. 

"Hi welcome to Cosí." The man behind the counter said. 

"Hi," I said being personable. "Can we get a bbq chicken pizza. And then a Cobb salad with extra avocado and the dressing on the side. Wheat flat bread in the side two of those," I told him Harry's order. "I'll have an Italian sandwich with crisps and two glasses for soda and then," I looked down and grabbed a brownie and a sugar cookie. "These." 

I handed over my card and paid for dinner as the worker handed us the cups and our order number. Harry took the deserts and number as he headed to the front of the restaurant and took the seat by the front window. I got Harry a lemonade and I got myself a coke. As I walked back to the table as I watched Harry shrug off his coat and adjust his hair. His hands were so thin and he had his rings on them. All except for his ring finger which always struck me as odd and beautiful at the same time. Setting the drinks on the table I sat down across from Harry as I shrugged off my own jacket and showed off my outfit for the first time. 

"You clean up nice Mr. Tomlinson." Harry smiled at me as I felt my face flush. "But truth be told I love however you dress." 

"Even as a footie bum?" I laughed as he nodded as our food came. 

"Yes as long as you shower." He said as he thanked the worker and I grabbed plates and set a few slices of pizza on a plate and handed it over to Harry. "And don't say you do because I have to basically shove you into the shower after your practices lately." 

"Not fair."

"Fair." He said as his dimples showed on his face as he looked down and took a bite of his pizza. "My mum was asking about you today and when she gets to meet you." 

"When we get out. I usually go home for a month and then come back and stay with Rowan on her couch, but since I'm done I'm not sure what I will be doing." I explained as I opened up the crisps. "Maybe get a flat. I'm sure Niall will be moving in with Ro after this year to save for a wedding and well to just l just need to find a job. But this summer We can go to Doncaster for a week and spend the rest of the month with your family.” I told him as Harry ate his food and agreed with me. “Maybe when we get back we found find a flat then. A two bedroom so we have room for if family wants to come or if Niall and Ro have a row. That is if you want to. Unless you want to stay in a dorm.” 

Harry set his fork down, he wiped the sides of his mouth and swallowed his salad as he sat up reaching across the table and took my hand. Rubbing his thumb over the top of my hand as his lips curved up into a smile. “I don’t think I would want to live with anyone else you mad man.” 

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah." He told me as he kissed the back of my hand. 

I felt a wave of relief come over me. I had been looking for flats and found a few that Harry and I would be able to afford and they were close to campus. While I had no jobs lined up I knew I wanted to stay in America with Harry. I hadn't spoken these thoughts to even Rowan while I loved her she would have been Rowan and gotten very excited and then asked a million questions I did not have the answers to, and I was okay with that. Maybe I needed life to just happen and not push too hard to go through one door but go through the ones that were opened already for us. “How is dinner?” I asked him as Harry gave me thumbs up and I covered my mouth as not to spit out my sandwich from laughing at him. 

We finished eating when Harry got up to get forks for the deserts. We split them in half and enjoyed them he was telling me about his classes and that he was bored in French and he was thinking of dropping the class but he needed it so he couldn’t. We talked about booking our flights to New York and Harry said that he would book the hotel room and that we had to see a musical while we were out there. I agreed. This would be his first time to the big apple and I wanted him to enjoy it. I had been a half a dozen times with Rowan and her family and loved it. Harry would fit right in, he would step off the plane and blend into the people and the world of New York. He had the ability to do that wherever he went. He was a chameleon, made friends easily and just dove into the culture and ways of a city. 

“So date master where is the next stop?” Harry asked as I pointed out the window to the Art Museum. 

“We are going to see the exhibit on Ireland.” I told him as his face lit up. He had been talking about wanting to go and seeing the exhibit but he never got around to it. Niall even said he would go but I told Niall he had to make up reasons why he couldn’t go. “I know you have wanted to go.” 

“You brilliant man,” Harry said jumping up and pulling his coat on and buttoning it up. I stood up as he pulled my waist towards him and kissed me. “Thank you for the romantic dinner.” He said and while most people would say that sarcastically Harry was genuine. He was happy and he had thought it was romantic. Maybe he was talking about the fall day we got the food and laid down in Millennium park and enjoyed the sun. I slept and he sang and took a few photographs before lying down next to me and we stay there in silence for a few hours. Listening to the world around us. Tossing the rest of the rubbish I took Harry’s hand and we crossed Michigan Avenue and headed up the steps of the museum. But it looked closed. it shouldn’t be. 

As we reached the top a museum worker smiled at us. “Unfortunately the museum is closed for a private event.” 

“What?” I asked flustered as Harry gave my hand a squeeze and kept me calm. “It didn’t say this on the website.” 

“We are sorry.” She told us but she wasn’t. Fuck her. 

Harry reached into his pocket and handed me a lighter. “I keep one on hand since you tend to lose yours,” he told me as he nodded and I pulled a smoke out. “Okay so the museum wants to be stupid. Where to next?” 

Why even bother. I should just take us back to the dorm and tell him that I’m sorry and leave it at that. As I took the drag I closed my eyes and I felt snow falling on my face. Opening my eyes I looked up to the sky and the grey brown sky as the white flakes fell. “I have one more thing planned… but we don’t have to.” 

Harry stood behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist he rested his chin on my shoulder. “Why wouldn’t we? The snow makes it romantic and the cold means we can snuggle up together.” He said kissing my cheek before letting go and holding his hand out for mine. “Are we waiting for the car or taking a cab?” 

“Car, I will text.” I told him pulling out my mobile as I held the cigarette between my fingers. It was hard to stay positive. I knew what the date was supposed to be and Harry was just along for the ride. “He will be here in a few.” I told Harry sliding my mobile back into pocket and finishing off my smoke. 

“Don’t say you are sorry for this or I will deny you any form of snogging post date,” Harry warned me as I stuck my tongue out at me and he laughed. I saw the black town car pull up and we headed back down the steps as Alx got out of the car and opened up the door. I wanted it to be perfect, I wanted to so badly for everything to go smoothly and for us to have a night where Harry walks away and realizes that I am romantic and that I do love him and show him in a weird way at times. I wanted my actions to speak and for it to convey all the words that I wasn’t able to say or articulate the proper way that normal people understood. 

Once we got into the car Alx headed over to the Zoo. I had planned this out and even got a confirmation email about it so I knew this one last event had to work. The streets were slowly becoming empty as the snow began to fall a bit harder. It was not longer the light fluffy snow but the sludge. The ride was short thankfully down Lakeshore Drive. Alx parked and said he would wait for us. Getting out Harry popped the collar of his jacket as I took his hand as he stopped when he saw the horse drawn carriage with the lights and blankets. “Louis….” 

“Come on,” I insisted to him as I held his hand as he climbed in and I got up into the carriage as I slid close to him. We wrapped the blankets around around legs and shoulders. The Zoo still had all the lights and while most of the animals were inside the grounds were beautiful. The snow fell and I could feel Harry shaking a bit from the cold. 

“I will make tea when we get home.” He told me his lips shaking a bit as he rested his head to me. “I must say these winters in Chicago are bloody cold.” 

I laughed wrapping my arms around him and holding him to keep him warm. “Yes, sadly this isn’t even as bad as it has been in the past years.” 

“Don’t say that.” Harry almost cried. “I won’t be going to class if it gets much colder than this. My fragile body can’t handle the bitter chill. I kissed the top of his head that was almost white from the snow. It was cold, my feet were even starting to freeze up and I had to call it quits early. I knew if it kept snowing like this we would be snowed in and driving would be horrible. As the driver brought us back to the start Harry took his shaking hand out of his pocket and took a photo of us, cold and looking like wet puppies from the snow melting on our heads. 

“Go to the car I will be there in a minute.” I told Harry as he headed to the car, running as best as he could so not to fall on the snow but wanting to feel the warmth of the car. I tipped the driver and thanked him. I knew he was happy to get out of the snow just as we were. Walking back to the car I pulled out my mobile. 

_iMessage  
8:30 pm_

**The date was a disaster. I fucked it all up. The universe hates me and I’m sure that harry does too. I almost Elsa’ed him on a fucking carriage ride. What was I thinking. I told you this isn’t what I do. I fucked it all up. - L**

**Calm down. Smile and don’t be a child. I’m sure that Harry had a great time. You need to give him more credit and he isn’t going to hate you drama queen - R**

**I’m not being dramatic - L**

**Read what you just sent me and then tell me you're not - R**

Hissing I shoved my phone back into my pocket as I opened up the car door and got in. Harry had color in his face which was a good sign. Alx smiled at me in the rear view mirror and headed back to campus. I kept my gaze out the window. I had fucked it up. I had tried to be romantic and it was the universe's way of telling me that I would never be. I would always be a loveless, heartless, knows nothing about romance tosser. That was me and there was no way to change that. Tonight was proof. I didn’t speak on the car ride home, I didn't know what to say. Keep apologizing but it would mean nothing. So Harry and I sat in comfortable silence. A silence we had grown use to and I appreciated when I was kicking myself for a horrible date and didn’t want to take it out on those around me. 

As Alx pulled up to campus I paid and tipped for his services as Harry and I got out and ran back into the dorm. Our bodies were still cold from the carriage ride and we wanted to crank the heat up and get some warm tea in our bodies. Harry unlocked the door as I pushed it open. We kept our coats on as he put the kettle on and I headed into the bedroom. Grabbing my pajamas I shrugged off my coat and set it on my bed and toed off my shoes. I was going to shower and then go to bed. I was over this night and I didn’t want to look at Harry. 

“Tea will be ready soon,” Harry told me as he had finally taken off his coat and stood there perfect. “Showering? You know I didn’t mean what I said to be mean.” 

“No. I need to get the junk out of my hair. And then I’m going to sleep. Long day.” I said looking down at my bare feet before cowardly walking into the bathroom. It was better than saying I was sorry, I’m sure Harry was tired of hearing those words come from my mouth. Who would have thought those would have been the magic words of the night when I wanted them to be ‘I love you.’


	20. flawless [h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I got lost in him and it's the kind of lost that's exactly like being found || Claire LaZebnik_

I had been on dates. Some were bad while others were magical but there was something about this date that had my insides in a vice and I felt as if I was going to be sick. Sick in a good way, I had spent all morning trying to find the right outfit for this evening. I had no idea what Lou had planned and didn’t want to go to one extreme or the next. So I settled with a black shirt with white hearts along with black skinny trousers and for fun my glittered boots. I needed something that said me and so my outfit wasn’t to drab. I had laid my clothes out before I showered and got ready for my shift at the coffee house. I was grateful for it, it was going to keep me occupied until I came back to get ready. I stood in the bedroom, my pants on and my hands on my hips as I looked down at my clothes. 

“It’s a date Harry.” I told my nerves more so than myself. Running my hands through my hair I fluffed it up a bit. I grabbed my trousers and pulled them up my skinny giraffe legs. Buttoning them I pulled my shirt on and buttoned up the shirt tucking it into my trousers. Pulling out the sock drawer I ground a pair of green and black and grey polka dot socks. Once they were one I slipped my boots on and zipped them up. “Breathe.” I reminded my lungs as I left the room and stood in front of the mirror by the sink. I looked like myself and that is who Louis liked. 

I felt my heart race and my stomach was filled with dragons but there was something else. There was an ease about it as well. Louis had been hushed about this evening as if everything he had he wanted it to be a surprise. I had noticed that my romantic films had been seen and not all been put back in the right place. Louis had been watching them and I found it cute. He was pulling out all the stops and it meant a lot. He wasn’t romantic but that didn’t matter. None of that mattered really I just wanted to be with Louis and his cheeky smile. His smart ass comments and the way I felt truly amazing and free being with him. I truly had never felt this way with any other man, I felt as if it was a play and it was just us. The background was black all around us and the spotlight followed Louis and I. One where the world didn’t matter as much as I knew that it did when I was with Lou none of it mattered. 

Checking my mobile I knew Louis would be back in any moment. Grabbing my coat I slipped it on, buttoning it I made sure that my leather gloves were in the pocket with my billfold and mobile. I shook my hands and jumped up and down as to get the anxious nerves out of my body. It was a date. It was going to be a fun date if I knew Louis or he was going to try to hard and be what he thought I wanted. I stopped as Louis walked into the dorm, I stopped jumping as he looked me up and down and I saw a smile as he looked at my boots. 

“Hello darling.” I told him smiling up at the man who was more handsome every day I saw him than the first.. “You look handsome.” I had noticed that he had shaved, styled his hair and showered. 

“I shaved.” He stuttered a bit. 

“I can see,” I chuckled. “Plus you were humming to The Eagles this morning while you shaves.” 

Louis furrowed his brow at me and all I could do was laugh. 

“It was cute and don’t tell me that you didn’t for you did.” I said as he raised a brow. He was like a puppy when he was upset with me he never was pissed just brooding. “So are you telling me where we are going?” 

“Nope. So stop asking,” Louis told me as he held out his hand. Taking it I laced my fingers with his and we headed on out of the dorm. Louis was fickle with affection but today he didn’t mind who saw us. We walked down the hallway of the dorm with his head held high and a smile on his lips. I tried hard to suppress a smile but I wanted to jump for joy. As we reached the lift Louis leaned against the wall as we waited for the lift. There was something about the way he looked that I turned around and kissed him gently on the lips, I rested my hands on his hips and pressed my body up against his. I jumped a bit as Louis’s hand moved and he cupped my arse and grabbed it. Biting his bottom lip I wondered what would happen if someone walked by but the thrill was to much and I never wanted to press on the breaks. Ever. 

“Know that I’m very excited about tonight whatever you have planned no matter how grand or how casual because we are out together,” I whispered to him as our foreheads were pressed together and I heard the ding as the lift opened up. I took hold of his hand as we walked in and went down the two floors. As the doors opened as headed out and pushed open the dorm doors and were hit with the cold wind of Chicago. I dropped his hand as I finished buttoning up my jacket and then my eyes looked at the black town car that was waiting for someone and then I realized it was waiting for us. It was all for our date. Louis would be getting a nice long snog after this evening for sure. Louis opened up the car door for me as I got in, the man was pulling out all the stops and he was truly shocking me. Soon Harry slipped into the car and sat next to me as the driver took off to our mystery destination. 

“I’m excited to,” Louis told me after a few moments. “How was your day?” He asked me since we hadn’t talked most o the day I was glad that he had asked. “I know you had a shift at the coffee house.” 

I nodded. “It was decent, they are wanting to do an open mic night so Niall said he was going to play the guitar and that I would sing and he would back me so we shall see. I need to make flyers and post them around campus and hopefully people will show up. I don’t want it to be the Harry and Niall show.” I chuckled running my hand through my hair nervously. I knew it was a nervous tick and Louis would have picked that up by now but he didn’t say anything. 

“What song would you sing?” Louis asked truly interested in this. He never talked about when I sung around the dorm but I could tell he enjoyed it, he would stop whatever he was doing and listen which while it gave me confidence it was nice to know it wasn’t horrible for he wold have told me so right away and have me stop. 

“Not sure maybe Ed or Florence + The Machine.” I explained to him while I hadn’t even thought about it but those were my go to artist when I did karaoke or an open mic night like this. “I need to talk with Niall and then we can go from there.” 

“You can always sing that song you hum in the morning when you think I’m sleeping.” Louis suggested to him as I cocked my head a bit I wasn’t sure what song Louis was talking about. Huffing Louis began to hum the song but he still just looked at me. “And there’s no guarantee that this will be easy. It’s not a miracle you need, believe me. Yeah, I’m no angel, I’m just me and I will love you endlessly.” He sang to him as my eyes grew wide and I was shocked. Louis could sing. Not just hum a tune but if he wanted to get on a stage and belt out a song and get a standing ovation.. “Yes I can sing why does this shock you.” 

“I just thought you were doing something with music for… well lord only knows but Louis. Why didn’t you tell me you have a voice?” 

“I don’t show it off,” Louis shrugged. “It’s for the showers and drunk karaoke so don’t get any ideas.” Louis told him as he tapped my nose and I just smiled. He knew that this wasn’t going to be the last time I was going to ask him to sing. I looked out the window as the car pulled up the restaurant. Louis told me to wait as he jumped out of the car and walked around and soon the door was open, his hand extended to me and I took it as i got out of the car. “Google told me about this place,” Louis explained to me as the thoughts of how expensive this night was going to be and I tried not to allow that to weigh me down. Louis opened up the door for me as I realized it was a French restaurant so I took advantage of this to hear this amazing man speak a language that made me want to press him up against a wall and take him right then and there. 

 

“Donc ça veut dire qu’on va parler français toute la nuit?” I asked Louis as I saw his lips curve up a bt. Louis loved when I talked in French, I knew that he grew anxious and was a bit turned on and I did it not out of cruelty but the fact that when he spoke it back to me I felt the same way. 

 

“Peut-être.” Louis replied to me with a cheeky smile as we walked to the hostess desk. I wasn’t sure how Lou got a reservation but I wasn’t going to ask. I promised myself not to ask to many questions and just enjoy this night. Enjoy the hard work that Louis put into this and at the end of the night tell him that I loved him. I did. I had loved this bastard since the video, no I had loved him before but the video was the last sign and I knew that it wasn’t just me wanting it to happen but it was love. Raw. Passionate. Awkward and clumsy and beautiful. Just like Louis. The hostess was a pretty blonde who smiled up at us and blinked a few times before Louis spoke. “Tomlinson party of two for 6.” He explained as I watched her look at the list and then a few more times. My heart dropped. 

Not now. Not today. No. Please universe. I pleaded as I saw the color in Louis’s face leave in a blink of an eye. His hands began to twitch and I knew that he was itching for a smoke. It happened whenever he was stressed and I hated it but it helped oddly enough. I kept my mouth shut as I let him do the talking, I knew that he would keep his calm.

“I’m sorry Mr. Tomlinson but I don’t see your reservation.” 

My heart broke I knew what was going through Louis's mind. He was internalizing everything and his build up for this evening was slowly crashing to the ground and in his eyes it was a disaster. Which it wasn't, this was just a hiccup and this didn't matter as much as he thought this. This nonsense of me being this fancy posh English man. I wasn't, I longed for a beer and pizza or the simple dates we had at Cosí before he built up this fantasy about first dates. 

"Can you check again?" Louis asked as his voice shook as I knew he was trying to keep his calm as she did. 

"Louis prend une profonde inspiration et tout se passera bien." I told Louis as I stood there besides him as I placed my hand on his lower back and he leaned into it. I had my fingers crossed as I hoped the girl would find his name. Oh please restaurant gods let his name show up. 

"I'm sorry. I still don't see your name. I can call my manager and see if you knows anything. But we are completely booked." 

"Tout ne se passe pas bien. Tout va ma," Louis said under his breath as he smiled at the girl and switched back to English. "No thank you." He told her as he turned around and left. 

"Sorry, first date nerves." I told her as I smiled and turned in my own feels and followed Louis out of the restaurant. I could see Louis outside his hands moving over his mobile screen as I knew he was trying to find a place for us to go. It was Friday and in the city, I knew it was going to be all full up. But there was a Cosí down the street which sounded fantastic. I was famished and as the cold hit my bones I knew I didn't want to wait outside in the cold while Louis tried to decide. I watched Louis's hand reach into his pocket as I placed my hand in the small of his back and he pulled his hand out and looked at me. 

"I saw a Cosí up the road why don't we eat there?" I told him. "It's better than standing in the cold and I don't mind." I assured him as I took his hand and we headed down towards a restaurant that meant more that a fancy one. Cosí was the frst time Louis and I went out we had picked up food and then walked across to Millennium park where we ate and talked for a bit. He then took a nap while I tried out my new camera for a class and then we just laid there in the grass. Silent but not fully. I could hear my heart racing and that moment was when I knew I was falling fo this man. As we waked I could tell that Louis was sulking, he was trying to hide it but he was horrible at it but I couldn’t tell him over and over that it was okay for they would be lost words on him. I meant it it was okay I wasn’t upset and nor could I be. We stopped at a crosswalk as I looked over at him and he looked like he had just sucked on a lemon. "Louis don't have a long face. I don’t have a long face." 

Louis turned towards me as I let go of his hand and cupped his face and looked into his eyes. “OKay.” He promised me as I leaned forward and kissed him gently on the lips. They were cold, tasted of cigarettes and mint. As soon as the light changed we headed across the street, I could see the sign for Cosí up ahead. As we reached the restaurant Louis grabbed the door for me and the heat felt amazing on my frigid body. Looking around the place wasn’t crowded which was a relief to me as I followed Louis up to the counter to order our dinner. 

"Hi welcome to Cosí." The man behind the counter said. 

"Hi,"Louis told her as I knew he was forcing himself to be pleasant. If we weren’t on a date I would be the one doing the ordering and he would have found a table and sat there looking pissed off at the world. He was a grown toddler at times but he was trying today and it showed.. "Can we get a bbq chicken pizza. And then a Cobb salad with extra avocado and the dressing on the side. Wheat flat bread in the side two of those,"He told them my order as I stood there and tried not to smile. it was little things that Louis knew about me, or heard me talk about and then did them that made me love this man. He wasn’t one for show about the romance but I find it just as romantic to find the tea you miss from home sitting in the dorm as writing I love you on a picture on instagram. "I'll have an Italian sandwich with crisps and two glasses for soda and then," he looked down and grabbed a brownie and a sugar cookie. "These." 

Louis paid and once the worker behind the counter handed him the cups I took the number for our order and the deserts and headed to the front to the window. I wanted to have a view of the city and the Art Institute. I shrugged off my coat and hung it on the back of my chair as Louis walked towards me. My stomach got all tight and my chest felt heavy as I watched this man who I had no idea what he saw in me I was to tall and lanky for my own good and dressed funny according to most. All my insecurities I did have about myself were nothing when I was with Louis, he looked at me with such love and admiration and wanted me to be this weird hippie flower child. He handed me my lemonade as he set his drink down and shrugged off his jacket. My jaw dropped a bit as I looked at him looking like a cross between Indiana Jones and The Doctor. 

Settle down Styles. I told myself adjusting myself under the table as Louis sat down across from me. He needed to get more suit jackets and wear them all the time. All the fucking time. "You clean up nice Mr. Tomlinson." I smiled as I watched his face flush with my compliment. "But truth be told I love however you dress." 

"Even as a footie bum?" he laughed as I nodded my head to him as our food was brought to our table. 

"Yes as long as you shower." I told him with a smile. “Thank you,” I told the worker as Louis grabbed the plates and put some pizza on it for me and handed it across the table. “And don’t say you do because I have to basically shove you into the shower after your practices lately.”

"Not fair." He tried to debate with me. 

"Fair." I told him with a smile as I took a bit of the pizza we were sharing. "My mum was asking about you today and when she gets to meet you." 

"When we get out. I usually go home for a month and then come back and stay with Rowan on her couch, but since I'm done I'm not sure what I will be doing." He explained as he opened up the crisps that came with his sandwich. "Maybe get a flat. I'm sure Niall will be moving in with Ro after this year to save for a wedding and well to just l just need to find a job. But this summer We can go to Doncaster for a week and spend the rest of the month with your family.” Louis told me as I began to eat my salad and I was in agreement with this plan for the summer. “Maybe when we get back we found find a flat then. A two bedroom so we have room for if family wants to come or if Niall and Ro have a row. That is if you want to. Unless you want to stay in a dorm.” 

Louis spoke about getting a flat as if it was a marriage proposal which was charming. Setting the fork down and taking my napkin and wiping off my mouth I sat up in my chair and reached across and took his hand. Rubbing my thumb on the top of his hand as I smiled up at the mad man. “I don’t think I would want to live with anyone else you mad man.”

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah." I told him as I kissed the back of his hand. 

I wasn’t going to lie I had thought about moving in with Louis and it being more domestic than a dorm room would allow. My mom had even asked if we planned on moving in together and I didn’t know. Louis moved at his own pace and for certain things he was ready to take of running while other parts of the relationship he took his time which I appreciated. This was a whole new world for him and he was handling it better than I originally thought that he would. It was the step towards maybe a forever. Louis would be out of school and have a decent job and I would just be a few years behind him and then the world was ours. We could go wherever we wanted to and make memories, love each other and be happy. I knew this was true happiness. It wasn't forced and whenever I saw Louis sneaking a glance at me while we were eating I knew he was genuinely happy as well. Something both of us weren’t used to but I was going to love every minute of it. 

“How is dinner?” Louis asked me as I gave him a thumbs up and a cheeky smile as he covered his mouth and laughed. I thought I was going to end up with sandwich all over me which even then it still would be the perfect date. As soon as our plates and bowls were empty I got up and grabbed two new forks for our deserts which looked amazing. In true Harry and Louis fashion we split them in half and ended up stealing bites from the other. I told Louis about my classes and how I was bored in French and wanted to drop out but needed to class so I would have to just muddle through. Louis then brought up the Spring Break trip and I had ideas. I told him that I wanted to see a musical and all the sights that New York had to offer me. I had never been and it had been a dream of mine to see the city and just dive in. Louis laughed a bit as he told me the good placed to see and the ones that were just traps for me to waist my money. He had been there a half a dozen times with Rowan and I envied him. But it didn’t matter, my first trip would be the best one, I would be with my darling Louis and my two amazing friends would be getting engaged there is nothing more romantic than that in the world. As we finished the deserts I sat back and felt full and happy. 

“So date master where is the next stop?” I asked Louis as he pointed out the window to the Art Institute. 

“We are going to see the exhibit on Ireland.” he told me as my face lit up. I had been wanting to go but Niall had been unable to go with me and now I knew why, yet another surprise of him listening to me as I talked and shaved in the morning. “I know you have wanted to go.” 

“You brilliant man!” I said jumping up and pulling my coat on buttoning it up Louis got up and slipped his coat on before I walked over to him, pulling his waist towards mine I kissed him roughly on the lips. “Thank you for the romantic dinner.” I told him and I hope he knew I was serious. Louis grabbed the rubbish from the table and tossed it before he took my hand and we left the restaurant and headed across Michigan Avenue and up the steps of the museum. We were halfway up the steps and I realized that it was closed. I blinked a few times hoping that I was seeing things but I wasn’t. 

Crap. I thought as I knew Louis was going to blame himself. I needed to be able to deflect his emotions of freaking out internally and giving up on the date. Sliding my hand into my pocket I had a lighter in there from when Louis and I were in Downers Grove and didn’t have any more room in his pockets and gave it to me to hold. As we reached the top of the steps there was a museum worker standing there she smiled at us and she looked like the grim reaper. I knew what she was going to say and I looked at Louis as he looked like he was just kicked in the stomach. 

“Unfortunately the museum is closed for a private event.” 

“What?” Louis asked flustered as I gave my hand a squeeze and kept me calm. “It didn’t say this on the website.” 

“We are sorry.” She told us but I could tell she didn’t really care either way which just frustrated Louis even more. 

I hated to enable him but I dug into my pocket and handed him a lighter, giving him the okay to smoke for I knew this was the final blow of the night. “I keep one on hand since you tend to lose yours,” I told him as Louis pulled out his cigarettes and lit one. “Okay so the museum wants to be stupid. Where to next?” I watched him as he was thinking to give up. For a split second he had a defetus look on his face and he wanted to throw in the towel. Go back to the dorm and just chalk this up as the universe hating him. Which wasn’t it at all. Yes, the universe was telling him something. Not to be something you aren’t. We ended up at Cosí which was us. So the museum didn’t work out that was life at times and nothing we can do about it now. I watched him close his eyes and look peaceful, almost like poetry in motion as he exhaled and the smoke left his thin lips and filled the brownish black sky. As we stood there the sky seemed to open up as snow began to fall to the ground. It was the light snow that looked almost like cotton balls or cotton candy. 

“I have one more thing planned… but we don’t have to.” Louis told me as if he had already made up his mind. But I hadn’t, I wanted to finish this date that was full of adventure. 

I walked behind Lou wrapping my arms around his waist I rested my chin on his shoulder and closed my own eyes as I smelt his cigarette smoke and felt the snow hitting my face. “Why wouldn’t we? The snow makes it romantic and the cold means we can snuggle up together.” I said kissing Louis’s cheek before letting go and holding my hand out for his. “Are we waiting for the car or taking a cab?” 

“Car, I will text.” he told me as he pulled out his mobile and held the cigarette between his fingers.“He will be here in a few.” He told me as he slid his mobile back into his pocket and finished off his smoke as we waited. I knew what he was thinking about telling me and I didn’t want to hear it. 

“Don’t say you are sorry for this or I will deny you any form of snogging post date,” I warned him as Louis stuck his tongue out at me and we both broke into a fit of giggles. Louis saw the black town car pull up and we headed hand and hand down the steps as Alx got out of the car and held the door open for us. I was grateful to get out of the cold but knew that Louis kept thinking this was a disaster when I was having the time of my life. He had put so much thought into this that it made up for anything that went wrong. Once we were all in the car we went on our way. I had no idea where we were going but we were leaving the loop area and towards Lincoln Park. 

The zoo. Turning my head to the window I watched as the snow changed and I knew we were going to be wanting to get back as soon as we finished at the zoo. The cotton snow was now sludge and it was wet. A horrible combination and even worse to drive and walk in around the city. The car pulled into the car park and Louis and I got out of the car. He took my hand as we walked in and I saw it. My body stopped as I saw the white horse and the carriage with the lights and blankets and the snow falling around it. “Louis…” I said not sure what else to say and I tried not to cry. 

“Come on,” he insisted to me as he held his hand out and I climbed into the carriage. Louis climbed in and slid close to me, we wrapped the blankets around our feet and shoulders. The zoo still had all the lights and while most of the animals were inside the grounds were something else. You didn’t realize you were in the middle of the city unless you looked up and saw the buildings and even then it was romantic. As we rode around my body began to feel the cold and shake. I didn’t want to say anything to Louis for I loved this but I wasn’t dressed for this and I was losing feeling in my feet. Louis’s arms held me right under the blankets as I felt my lips gong blue. 

“I will make tea when we get home.” I told Lou as my lips shook as I laid my head on his shoulder and tried to think of a warm beach in Florida. “I must say these winters in Chicago are bloody cold.” 

Louis laughed and I wasn’t sure if what I said was funny or not. “Yes, sadly this isn’t even as bad as it has been in the past years.” 

“Don’t say that.” I almost cried. “I won’t be going to class if it gets much colder than this. My fragile body can’t handle the bitter chill.” Louis kissed the top of my head but I couldn’t feel it. All I felt was wet from the snow melting and I knew I had to look like a wet puppy. Louis’s hair was even falling out of place from the snow. The driver brought us back to the start and I knew Louis had made the call to cut the ride short the snow was falling faster and heavier and it wasn’t fair to the horse or to us to test fate anymore than we already had. Before climbing out of the carriage my frozen hand pulled out my mobile and I took a selfie of both Louis and I. I laughed as we looked ridiculous but I loved it. All of it. 

“Go to the car I will be there in a minute.” Louis told me. I kissed him on the nose and ran the best that I could in boots to the car. Once I got in I grabbed my mobile and slowly texted Rowan with stiff fingers. 

_iMessage  
8:30 pm_

**The date was perfect. chaotically perfect and I know Louis thinks it went all wrong but it was perfect - H**

**Are you going to tell him? - R**

**I have been trying to all night but he is Louis and has gone into his head and I need him to calm down before I tell him or he will think it’s out of sympathy of the day- H**

**He won’t. Just tell him - R**

I put my mobile back into my pocket as Louis got into the car. He looked half frozen and I wanted to help him warm up but he didn't want to talk. His lips were pressed flat and his gaze was straight ahead. I wanted to just tell him there and call him out on his dramatic ways and ask what made this night so bad? I wanted to kiss him and tell him that he didn’t need to be romantic like the movies, or how he sees other people. We had our own version of romance and I loved that far more than having a carbon copy of someone else's. He didn’t need to go above and beyond he just needed to be the man I fell in love with. That was what I wanted Louis Tomlinson. Lou. Biting my bottom lip I turned and watched the snow fall. Maybe tomorrow we would be snowed in and we could watch movies, drink tea and order food. Snuggle on the couch and I would steal kisses from him and tell him over and over how much I love him. For those three words can be used over and over and never will they lose the meaning to them. Not when I was talking to Louis. 

As the car pulled up to campus Louis paid as we got out and ran to the dorm. Our bodies were still cold from the carriage ride and I wanted to get out of the clothes, my boots were wet along with my trousers and jacket. I scanned my ID and we took the lift up the steps our legs to cold and sore to walk up the steps. We practically ran down the wall to get to the dorm. I unlocked the door and we headed on in. I went to put the kettle on as Louis turned up the heat and disappeared into his bedroom. I wanted to sit him down and talk to him and just have him get everything bottled up out. Hanging up my wet jacket I slipped off my shoes and grabbed two mugs as Louis came out of the bedroom he was carrying his pajamas and was heading towards the shower.

“Tea will be ready soon,” I told him. “Showering? You know I didn’t mean what I said to be mean.” 

“No. I need to get the junk out of my hair. And then I’m going to sleep. Long day.” He told me looking down at his feet and then going into the shower. I listened as the water turned on and I knew Louis and I hated seeing him like this. Turning off the kettle and putting the milk back in the fridge I unbuttoned my shirt and slipped my trousers and socks off and laid them on the back of the couch and walked into the bathroom. I made sure to open the door slowly as Louis didn’t have music on this time. I stood there, the room was filled with steam from the hot water he was using as I pulled my hair back into a bun and slid into the shower behind Louis. “What the hell?” 

“I have my pants on.” I told him as he turned around and looked at me. His hair was wet and plastered against his head as I looked down at his chest all red rom the water hitting it. “You are running away.” 

“Not now Harry.” Louis said a bit lippy with me. 

“Yes now.” I told him sternly. I was done with his child like behavior he was an adult and so help all that is good in the world he was going to talk to me if I had to pin him down in the shower and wait until he did. “Don't run away it's not worth it. So you planned a date and it didn't go like you wanted. Welcome to life! But you know what I loved it no matter what. I loved sitting in that Cosi and knowing that was the first meal we ate when I realized that I was falling for you. I loved that you listened to me when I wanted to see that exhibit at the Art Institute and you would go even thought you find it boring a hell, you would go and listen to me and enjoy it for me. That carriage ride it took my breath away and it hit me finally that I was so in love with you and no matter what we do would be perfect for if you put effort and love into it Louis then that is all that matters. We could sit in our jimjams and watch bloody Netflix drinking warm beer and eating cold pizza and I wold be okay with that and do yo know why?" I asked him as my voice cracked. Why I was getting so emotional was beyond me but I wanted Louis to understand this. Understand where I stood and that it wasn't all about the glitz and glitter. I wanted him and only him no matter what way he was packaged. I wanted Louis William Tomlinson.

Louis seemed to freeze as his eyes grew wide. “You said that you loved me.” He said in a whisper. 

I stopped. “No.” I told him sure that I didn’t. Did I? Oh lord I did. No that wasn’t the time. No it was to soon and Louis was going to freak out. No. No Why Harry? 

Louis nodded his head as his lips curved up into a smile. “You mean it? You love me?” He asked cupping my face as the water hit our bodies. 

Chuckling I pressed my forehead against his and looked him in the eyes as I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed him on the nose. “Yes I love you and it only seems unconventional to tell you in a shower while you are naked and I’m in skin tight wet pants.” 

Louis’s laugh filled the shower and I couldn’t help but laugh with him. “I love you to," he said as the words left his mouth I knew he meant them. Each one of those three words he meant from the bottom of his heart of he wouldn't have said them to me. "I wanted to tell you tonight but it was wrong. Or I thought it was wrong.” 

I shook my head. “It was perfect.” I promised him as I kissed his lips. Pressing his back against the wet tile wall. Louis’s hands ran up and down my chest and my breath hitched as I kissed his neck. His legs wrapped around me as I lifted him up on the wall so I could get a better angle. His back was pressed up against the wall as I pressed my body against his to keep him up on the wall and almost hovering over the floor of the shower. My lips kissed Louis as I left love bite all over his neck. I wanted him now and there in the shower but I had to wait and I knew it would be worth it. Louis’s hands took the tie out of my hair as it fell on my back I felt his hand pull it back so my neck was exposed. 

“My turn Mr. Styles,” he said breathlessly as his lips kissed my neck I just hoped my legs would be able to hold us for much longer of if our naked bodies would end up on the floor tangled up with the other’s.


	21. boundaries [h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _My love has concrete feet. My love's an iron ball. Wrapped around your ankles. Over the waterfall. I'm so heavy, heavy. Heavy in your arms. I'm so heavy, heavy. Heavy in your arms || Heavy In Your Arms (Florence + The Machine)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was pointed out to me that my best friend doesn't read French (neither do I but I'm the author so I know that it means lol) so in order to help those who aren't as lucky as those who can read and understand and speak French I will be putting the English translations in parenthesis after the translation.

Second semester the honeymoon was over, Louis was never around and it wasn’t his fault he was going to class and then he had football at night or in the morning and sometimes both and he was running on coffee and red bull which I hated but he needed them to stay awake and alert for lectures and practice. We saw each other a few times when I would be coming home from a shift and he had a few moments before practice. We would sneak a few kisses and whisper ‘I love you’ to each other when handing him a cuppa or bringing home dinner. Most of the time we felt like two ships passing in the night when I would be asleep in his bed and I would feel Louis climb in and wrap his arms around me. He would kiss me in the morning on the back of my neck before slipping back out of bed and getting ready for the day. I’ve been making him snack bags and setting them out for him to have and munch on while in class. We had started this sticky note thing.

It's began when I had to tell him his mum called me to have him call her and then I added another note saying I loved him. He then responded with an okay and another note on the back of the dorm door that said 'I love you more.' I then came home to find a tower of sticky notes to be used and a few all over the dorm explaining why. I would stick them around the dorm before I went to bed and he would write some and stick them around the dorm before he left for the day. Sometimes it was just one and it would say ‘I love you’ and sometimes there would be 30 and they would be all over and I would have to find them and they would have stupid jokes or a picture of a penis (since I’m dating a mature adult). 

I wanted to complain but I knew this was how it was going to be. I knew that our lives were going to be more complicated and the calm would fade away and life would kick in. I rather us to live in a real world and know how to handle our lives and communicate and for Louis to understand that even when one is busy they need to have time for the ones they love. I stayed away from the football field that was his world and when games began I would be there sitting with Ro, Niall and Julia cheering him on like a proper boyfriend and friend. 

It was Friday and Louis was at work and then he had practice. I had made some food for him, just some wraps with lunch meat and cheese. I added some carrots a banana and then a Gatorade with biscuits I made thanks to Rowan’s kitchen. Folding the top of the bag down I shoved it into my messenger bag and headed out into the snow. Thankfully the snow stopped, and the sun was out. It was just cold. So cold the penguins would be inside with a fire trying to keep warm. But the bus would be here in a few minutes and I would be at his work in a half hour. Enough time to see him and then walk around for a while and do some shopping to kill some time with my free Friday night. I slipped my earbuds in and braced myself for the cold. The sun was bright and with the snow it was even brighter so I slipped my sunglasses on and headed to the bus stop. 

For being here for less than a year I have started to learn Chicago. By no means was I a native but I didn’t look like a lost boy anymore. I still used my apps for the L and the buses but so did Lou though he would deny it till his face turned blue. Yet something else cute that he does and he hates when I point it out. As the bus pulled up I scanned my ticket and got on. It was pretty full so I moved toward the back and stood, holding to the bar above my head as we took off. I had left a sticky note inside the lunch bag for Louis and I hope it would make him smile since when I woke up there was one of a dick stuck to my head and then a trail of them that said 'Ha' on them. I watched as we made a few stops and I counted down till mine. I knew the store wasn't busy since Lou kept texting me that he was bored and snap chatting me random things from jerseys to Mark who was working with him and even one of him singing to James Bay in the store. I replied with my usually laughs and even snapped a photo of my feet for him. 

_iMessage  
2:30pm _

**Where are you going??- L**

**Out I'm bored in the dorm and my mum sent me some cash for winter clothes I want to see what Macy's has and H &M and Topshop-H**

**Jumpers??- L**

**Yes if I got any more button ups my mother will scold me. Jumpers and jeans mine have a hole in the crotch ):-H**

**Hey easy access-L**

**I'm always easy access for you ;) - H**

**I just had to go and adjust myself in the back. Why is it when you talk dirty its dirty but when I try it's stupid?- L**

**Practice my grasshopper soon you will send me to the bathroom with a boner with a single text-H**

Looking up from my mobile I saw my stop was next and headed to the side door. As the bus stopped I exited with a few others and made my way in the pavement to the store. I replied to Louis so he wouldn't feel emasculated and laughed slipping my mobile into my pocket as my boots clicked on the pavement. I kept my hands buried inside my coat pockets as my hair was partially tucked up into Louis (now my) grey beanie. As I came to the store I pulled my earbuds out and pulled the door open. A small bell went off as Louis looked up and was about to greet the customer when he saw it was me. 

His face was shocked as he saw me and then his eyes narrowed as if he was upset but I knew he wasn't by the way he ran towards me. "You lied?" He laughed walking from behind the counter and giving me a hug and a kiss. "What are you doing here?" He asked shocked but happy to see me. The store as dead which was easy to blame on the weather we were having and that very specific type of people shop at this store. Mark walked from the back, gave me a wave and smile and took a seat and got on his computer. 

Digging into my bag I pulled out the Gatorade and bag of food. "I got groceries for the dorm and picked up a few things for you to have at practice since you ate the snacks at lunch time today.” 

“Niall wasn’t supposed to tell you.” Louis said as he took the bag and Gatorade and we headed to the back of the store. “I’m going on my 15,” Louis told Mark as he nodded and I followed. The door shut behind us and Louis and I headed into the break room. The room was no bigger than an over sized coat closet. It had four hooks on the wall for employees bags and coats. They had shelves that held their stock, a small computer in the corner and in the middle of the room was a card table with four chairs that didn't match and one looked broken while the other three were held together by duct tape. Louis locked the door behind us as I cocked my head I wasn’t sure what he was up to. I slipped my bag off and unbuttoned my coat and set it down on a chair as Louis set the food and Gatorade down, he had the look in the eyes and I knew that he had something going on in his brain. "Hey." He said as if we were in some cheesy play or he didn't know how to talk to me. 

"Hi," I laughed back. "I wasn't sure if it was okay to come but I missed you." I admitted as Louis opened up the bag and look through the food. "You need to be in shape for football." 

"So you send my biscuits." He laughed sitting down on a chair. "I get gone at- screw this come here," Louis told me as he stopped back up and grabbed my shirt pulling my body down and his lips pressed against mine with force. I could take the stale coffee on his lips but I didn't care. He walked me backwards until I felt my legs hit a chair and he had me sit down. Climbing on top of me his hands ran through my mess of a head of hair and he pulled it ever so slightly so he could get to my neck. 

My hands moved up and under his shirt and jumper as his body seemed freeze for a moment as I took this as an opportunity to leaned forward and kiss his stomach. Over the break Louis got what I called the Tommo Tummy and while he hated it (and why he was working out as much as he was) I found it adorable and made me love him that much more for he didn't try and hide it around me. My hands supported his back as I kissed him on his bare skin right about his pants. I wanted to just unbutton his trousers pull them down with his pants to his ankles and give him a blow job. I wanted to feel his body orgasm and be there to watch as his face went into the state of bliss after. I wanted Louis to surrender his need to control. 

Louis fingers wrapped around my hair as he played with it. He loved to play with it and even when it was get in his face when sleeping he still would find a reason to play with it after telling my to put it in a bun. I felt my trousers growing tighter as Louis's hands ran down my chest and I kissed him a few more times on his stomach. I knew I needed to stop, both of us needed to adjust ourselves but I didn't want to. I missed kissing his skin and having him touch my chest or face. I missed begin intimate like this with each other. 

"So this is why you locked the door?" I asked him as he pressed his forehead against mine. He had the look. I had only seen it a few times but it was never directed towards me. It was a look Rowan and Julia told me to watch out for and one Niall said he was suckered into getting the tattoo he regrets because of that look. He looks like a man genius his eyes full of passion but his smile was one Hannibal Lecter would have before cooking a part of a human before feeding it to himself and said human. "Louis." 

"I locked the door because of this." He told me as he slipped down off my lap and his hands made quick work of my trousers. "I want to do this. I swear on my love for you." He said as I lifted my butt and he slipped my trousers and pants off. I had never been fully naked in front of Louis and I didn't think I would be naked showing off my very erect cock to him in the employee break room in the middle of January. 

"Louis..." I said as I tried to talk but my entire body was in a paralyzed state. I felt his hands run up my legs and it only cause me a bit more pain. As unclassy and unrefined to say I just needed a good wank and I would be fine. He smiled that smile and I knew as I felt his lips kissing up my leg I was going to be leaving the store with stains on my trousers, a flushed face and weak knees and he would be leaving with swollen lips and a flushed face as well. 

***

There was no hiding the fact I just received the worlds best blow job from Louis and had given him one that let him unable to stand for ten minutes. "You look a mess," I told him as he walked out of the loo. His lips were red and swollen and I kissed them gently. "Imagine if he had a long break." 

"Would you have taken me?" He asked finishing off his Gatorade. "See I've been watching too much Downton with you." He laughed as I slipped my jacket on. 

"No, I want to. But as great as it was to get sucked off in a break room I feel when we do have sex it will be in a normal place like a bedroom. Or car."

"We can use Rowan's." He said a bit to eager but if I wasn't In my right mind I would have taken him to Rowan's car.

"Jesus and have her come after us with a knife no thank you!" I laughed as Louis grabbed his grey beanie and slid it onto my head adjust my hair to frame my face but to keep my ears warm still. "It will happen naturally so don't worry my love. No need to rush." 

Louis nodded as he kissed me. "I've missed this," Louis said to me. 

"You googling blow jobs is new to me unless you have before and never told me." I laughed as he playfully punched my arm. "What? No calling me a wanker?" I asked as he smiled. 

"You just did it for me so no." He explained as he handed me my messenger bag. "Tomorrow." 

"Is Saturday." I said as my ability to be a sassy ass hole like Louis had improved the past few months thanks to him. 

Rolling his eyes he walked over to his bag and slipped the food in there. "No you daft git I'm off. No football. No work. Nothing. So we can stay in bed and you can be the little spoon you love so much and we can be together." His voice was sincere and his eyes longed for the simple days we had only a few weeks ago. He was worn out, I was burnt out as well from this week back. "Deal?" 

I nodded kissing him in the lips. "I don't want to keep you from work and I don't need people think that I'm easy." I told Louis as he laughed as we left the employee break room and headed back out into the store. I pulled Louis shirt down over his ass he had. How a boy as white as him as an ass as nice as the one he had is truly a gift from the gods above. "I'm actually going shopping for clothes since my mum did yell at me and my trousers as you can see have holes in them." I laughed as Louis held the door open for me and we headed back into the store that looked the same but a few girls were looking at Chicago Fire jerseys. Louis rolled his eyes as Mark got up to help them. "Do you need anything for New York? I don't want you shopping the night before our flight in a panic."

Louis shrugged. 

"I can go pick you up some emo tops if that is what you want." I joked as I checked my phone and he looked at me. "Even Niall has taken my fashion advice. You aren't selling your soul to the devil." I laughed as we came to the front door. 

"No just a hippie farmer." She fired back as I laughed. He had been saving that one for the proper time to use it. "Je t’aime." 

"Je t’aime aussi." I whispered back to him. "So yes to a new shirt?" 

Louis shrugged. Rolling my eyes I placed my hand on the door to leave when Louis stopped and stood up tall he had a sassy comment to say. I knew that face that was his face 98% of the time. "Surprise me sugar daddy." 

My eyes grew wide and I laughed, double over laughed as Louis stood tall proud of himself for that comment. Calming myself down is too up and smiled at him, "I'm okay with that title which I feel that I shouldn't be. Have a good practice tonight and I will have dinner for you to warm up." 

"Sugar daddy and a housewife." 

This man was something else today. "I aim to please my darling!" I leaned down a bit and kissed him on the lips. "Chap-stick will help the lips." I whispered to him as I pushed the door open and was hit with a cold wind. I hopped back onto the bus that would take me to Michigan Avenue and I would be able to get my shopping done and get dinner and be back to the dorm before the sun went down and it turned to cold to function like a human outside. I didn't realize where the bus was stopping as I pulled my coat collar up around my neck I knew the love bites Louis gave me were visible to the human eye and I already looked like a disheveled mess thanks to his surprise willingness to pleasure me. I had an idea when I wanted to as Louis so nicely out it "take him." 

Valentine's Day. It was cliche but that seemed to fit our relationship and it would be in our dorm with no pressure. I had purchased a box of condoms when I was out and the woman behind the counter raised a brow and I just handed her the milks to scan after. I wanted to be prepared for no matter how much I loved him I wasn't going to do anything that would put us at a health risk. But I had them for when they were needed and after today I wasn't sure what Louis had up his sleeve but he was taking it slow which is all I asked him to do. As my bus came to the stop I got off and headed into Water Tower Plaza to look at Macy's first for jumpers and Louis. 

When I got into Macy's I went to the jumpers. I wanted to get a few over sized ones but I knew me and would want a fitted one as well. Browsing through the jumpers I grabbed a few to try on. My eyes caught a few tops for Louis to wear. I was in and out of Macy's in a half hour with jumpers and clothes for Louis. I grabbed some Starbucks and headed back out finding some trousers at H&M and a button up shirt that I would need to hide until a later date to wear. My arms were full of bags and I felt less tresses after my three hours spoiling me and Louis as I did stop and got him a new pair of Vans. I was excited to use these clothes in England this summer and in New York in a month and a half. The sun was setting as I was making my way to the bus when I saw Rowan leaving Whole Foods. 

"Harold!" She called out with a smile on her face and her entire body was bundled up for winter. "I was going to call and say you are coming over for dinner. It's my homemade meatballs and gravy and then pasta." She told me as we walked to her car. "Niall is at home watching the stove- I know I'm leaving him alone with food but he knows I'll castrate him if he eats anything before dinner." 

Laughing I covered my mouth as we walked into the parking garage. "I can see how that conversation went." I said shaking my head. "I was out shopping I needed proper winter clothes and decided to spoil Lou a bit not that he needs new shoes or more shirts but there I was purchasing them for him." 

"And he is trying to fatten you up with food god you two are so cute it makes me sick," Rowan joked as she opened the boot and I shoved my bags along with her food bags that had wine, and other goodies I'm sure. "But it's nice that he is all grossly romantic in his own Louis way." 

That was my favorite part of Louis to. We got into the car and Rowan headed back to her flat. The traffic was rush hour and she turned onto a side street and if I didn't know her I would have thought she was going to kill me. "You and Louis have been hermits and I know it's due to how busy but you aren't married to him so you can enjoy a home cooked Italian dinner by me and wine and Niall getting drunk off it. He claims to be Irish but he is an easy drunk off wine." 

"So is Louis which is funny he gets all cuddly and kiss when he is drunk on wine." I laughed shaking my head. The last time we had wine Louis ended up slowly stripping down to his pants and singing 5 Seconds of Summer and playing the air guitar and head banged. "So now we stick with beer for him." 

"God to be a fly on the wall in that dorm at times." Rowan told me as we reached her flat. Parking in the garage I helped her carry the grocery bags into the building and up the steps as Niall buzzed us in. 

"So Louis and I are going to England for a month this summer and I know he is nervous and has already began to worry so I figured the most cliche thing to do is get new clothes." I laughed as she parked around the back of her flat. Getting out I helped her with the groceries as we headed on in. 

"He is going home?" Rowan asked as I nodded. Her mouth dropped as I laughed. 

"That is what I said." I told her as we trudged up the steps the snow falling off our feet. "But it's a big step and I'm proud of him but we don't talk about it since it stressed him out more than watch football."

"Me to," Rowan explained to me still shocked. As we reached the door she kicked the door and Niall came to open it up with his laptop in his hand. I smelt the meatballs cooking and the garlic bread cooling as well. My stomach growled and I was glad I was here for dinner as much as I enjoyed chipotle a home cooked meal would always win."Wine and pasta," she told Niall handing him the bags she grabbed the pasta and walked to the kitchen. "Harold is joining us!"

"Wicked." Niall laughed as we headed into the kitchen to put the food away. "How was Lou?" 

"He texted didn't he?" I asked as we sat the bags on the kitchen table and helped put the food away in the fridge as Rowan went back to cooking dinner. 

"To yell at me for telling you about him eating his food for football." Niall laughed as I saw Rowan give a look as she tossed her green jacket on the chair and stirred the pasta. "Harry was domestic and brought Lou food at work," Niall raised a brow and I knew he was looking at my lips and face. God I was horrible at hiding things I was a giddy school boy. If I could I would have gone running down the streets of Chicago telling everyone I had the best blow job by Louis. 

"What?!" Rowan yelled spinning around and looking at me as if I just told her I was the queen of England. I set my bag on the couch and unbuttoned my jacket and slipped the grey beanie off my head and shook my head to help with the hat hair. "He didn't put up a fuss?"

"Judging by the hickey no." Niall said as my hand clasped my neck. That bastard was dead when I saw him tonight. "I get them at times."

Rowan slapped Niall's arm as he made a face and walked over to the couch and flopped down and went back to his school work. "I miss him and it sucks but I knew this going into this semester." I explained sitting down at the kitchen table. 

"Yes he gets a bit," Rowan paused as she pressed her lips together and thought about what she was saying. "Louis. So if he gets snippy, or short with you and not all cuddly and well I would say romantic but he looks like he turned into a vampire and tried to suck your blood." She laughed as I felt my face turning red and I grew way too self conscious of my neck. I guess I'll be wearing a scarf for a week. "He gets in his head and puts a lot of pressure on himself. He wants the team to be the best and he has to deal with Stan." 

"Yeah." 

"But he has had to deal with him for four years now so he knows how to better. He takes it his responsibility to help those a bit behind, and he really loves the game and when he is playing he feels free. He actually has the same look on his face when he is in that field when he is with you."

My face flushed again. "I just want him to know that I'm okay and he doesn't have to worry about me." 

"But you still want to have a few moments with him." Rowan added as she grabbed bowls from the cabinet. "He does. He was telling me today he was worried that you were upset that he left before you woke up." 

"I woke up to some lovely sticky notes." I chuckled to myself as Rowan arched her brow again and I laughed. "Don't ask." 

"I'm not." She assured me. "I'm glad you two met." Rowan told me as I got up to open the wine and get glasses. "Louis needed you and the fact he didn't get pissed with visiting at work is a step up for him." 

I laughed. "Well I will need to bring food back for him. I promised him dinner since I am the housewife." Niall laughed from the couch and all I could do was join in. "And a sugar daddy." I added as Rowan even laughed. Oddly enough I was okay with being both those things. As the oven beeped Niall set the table and the cozy flat that Rowan and Julia had made home felt like home to me. She had put on some Frank Sinatra as we ate dinner. I watched as her and Niall talked about their trip to New York for Spring Break and that they were lucky to be able to crash with Julia's parents to save some money. 

"A week in a city that stole my heart I can't wait." Rowan said taking a sip of her wine. "But enough about that what is this summer trip to England?" She asked me as Niall got up for his second plate of food. "Save some for Lou." 

"Will do." Niall told her as he put some pasta back into the pot. 

Pushing my empty plate away from me I set my napkin on the table and took my wine it finish my glass. "We will go to Doncaster for a week roughly I have a few days we could add to it so he can enjoy being home then we will take the train to Worcestershire and head to my house for three weeks and then we will go to London. I have a mate who will be out of town that week and he is letting us stay at his flat for free. So Lou and I can just enjoy the city and see a musical or three." I joked as Niall grabbed my plate and set it by the sink as he then sat down with his plate. "I'm glad he is willing to go home and see his family and that he is taking me with. I know my mum and sister and step father are thrilled to finally meet him." I explained as I could see us sitting in the words and watching the stars at night me bundled up in one of his old hoodies and Louis dressed as Louis. Stealing kisses and even camping out there a night or two. 

I didn't want to look to far into the future for fear of it crumbling but it was hard not to. I saw a life with Louis either married or in a partnership that would last till we were old and can't walk. I wanted to talk to his step dad and mum about marriage when I met them and get their approval and my parents to give blessing to Louis but I knew they would. He would charm them like he charmed me. As of now I needed to focus on making it through this semester without Louis getting to lost inside himself with football and me being a bit to me. 

***

9:15 pm and practice was over. 

I hadn't gotten a text from Louis but it was Louis. He would text some nights and others not. I knew Calvin was with him so my fears of Stan were lessened. I had come home from dinner and hung up my new clothes and laid out the ones I had gotten for Louis on my bed. I hadn't slept in my bed in months and since Louis never and I mean never made his bed that was were we set bags and laid out clothes. I had used the dead time between me coming home and Louis arriving home to do my film homework and do the French homework online. I had finished watching the two films for the class Rowan and I were in together. I knew I was going to be having weird Alfred Hitchcock inspired dreams. Taking my empty mug I got up to wash it out and waited for Louis to get home. I would force him to shower, heat up his dinner and then either snog all night or watch Telly or a bit of both. There was a knock on the door as I figured Louis left his key, something he has done multiple times. 

"Do I need to write you a check list?" I asked opening the door as I saw Calvin standing there. His face was frustrated and worried. "Sorry I thought you were Louis." 

"No worries." He said stepping into the dorm. "I shouldn't be doing this or get involved but practice wasn't good today." He explained as I shut the door and stood there. "Stan was a bastard. No that word doesn't even describe his actions. He talked to the team and the entire practice Louis stops there with no one passing to him and Stan took a cheap shot to his knee. Coach pulled him benched him again for three games and Louis got his knee looked at. Coach then went on to yell at the team and a few players had not so nice words to say." Calvin walked towards the couch and looked at me. He hated doing this but I got why. He was having Louis's back and letting me know as a friend. 

My heart fell and my body shook as my blood began to boil. I felt my dinner turning in my stomach I wanted to vomit, cry, hell punch a wall. I hated this, this was what is wrong with our society and when those who are open with who they are only to wish they never were. "What did they say?" 

Calvin shook his head. "It doesn't matter it was said." 

"Calvin this matters. To me." I told him through my teeth as I tried not to fly off the handle. 

"They called him a faggot." Calvin paused, closing his eyes he took a deep breath in and continued. "They asked how he likes it in the ass and one said not to touch him for he didn't want to get the homo bug and aids."

Fuck.

"Harry you didn't do this."

No I knew that and I kept telling myself that. "No it was Stan and society and me being naive thinking it would be different." I said as my throat felt like it was closing. I felt my eyes filling my tears and my hands shook. "Can he walk?" 

"Yeah. It was the knee that Stan hurt before so he fell and cried out in pain and he might and pulled him down with him. He told him something when he rose his hand to punch him but stopped as coach got him off the field and to be looked at." 

I felt like I had just been kicked in the stomach. 

"I know that it's not my place but if I didn't tell you I would feel like I failed Louis and you as a friend and he needs to talk to you and I know him and he won't want to burden-" Calvin stopped as the door flew open and Louis stormed in his face was red and I saw his knee was swollen and tapped up with ice. He stopped his bags and looked up at Calvin. "Louis." 

"Jesus are you telling on me to? It's not your fucking place Calvin! Stop sticking your fucking nose in my fucking business okay!" He yelled his voice echoing in the dorm as I knew people walking past and those next to us could hear us. "I'm not a child! So why don't you go home and take care of your own and leave me alone!" Louis yelled as he turned to me his face was red and his eyes were bloodshot from crying. "Don't fucking talk to me. You could have asked and not have a spy!" 

"Louis." I stuttered as he hung his head and pushed past me. Slamming the bedroom door I knew he locked it. "I better...." I told Calvin as he nodded his head. "Thank you." 

"Sorry." 

I shrugged. I knew this would happen. Just not this bad. I locked the door behind Calvin and walked over to the bedroom door. Using my knuckle I knocked. "I have dinner. I had it with Rowan and Niall it's homemade meatballs and pasta." 

Nothing. 

"Do you want to talk about what happened?" I asked. 

"Fuck off."

"Louis don't speak to me like that." I yelled raising my voice. 

"Don't have Calvin be a fucking spy! You think I won't tell you when shit happens we'll now I won't! Don't you trust me Harry? And it's none of your damn business!" 

My jaw dropped as I laughed. "You are so thick! It is my business you wanker I care about you and when you push people away as a defense it's stupid! Maybe if you weren't such an ass to everyone around who cared about you you might have more friends!" I yelled as the words let my mouth I felt like scum. 

"Fuck you!" Louis yelled as I knew he was crying. I kicked the back of the couch as I pounded in the door. 

"Open this up Louis!" I yelled as my hands grew raw from the pain. I stopped as I knew he was smoking. "Don't smoke in there!" I yelled as I heard Louis slam a drawer and he swore a few times. 

"I'm not a fucking child!" He yelled through the door. 

"Then don't act like one Louis! Be an adult and why don't you talk about this and not yell through a door?!" I yelled at him as he went silent. "Oh, great. Going back to being silent and just walking away. Fine." I hissed grabbing my coat and billfold and slipped my trainers on. I was done with this and when he grew up I would leave, "I'm going out."

Silence.

"Bastard." I said loud enough for him to hear. Leaving the dorm I stood outside and felt the tears pooling up in my eyes as my chin quivered and the tears stung as they rolled down the side of my face. I was helpless. I wanted to help Louis, to be there with him but he closed me off. The fear I had he would do when something went to hell. Life was hell and if you are dealing with tossers like Stan that was a daily occurrence. I knew Louis was Louis and he would still be in the bedroom. Forgetting about food or anything just to prove me wrong since he is a stubborn dick. 

Shaking my hands I took a deep breath in. I felt like a wanker for yelling at him. He didn't need that from me. I was supposed to be on his side and I just acted as bad as Stan. I let the cold air fill my lungs and my anger slowly left as I realized I was being just as bad as he was. "Good job Styles." I told myself turning on my heels and heading back into the dorm. As I reached the room I was right that Louis was still in the bedroom. I hung up my jacket and took off my trainers. Locking up the dorm I walked acr I sat down my back against the dorm as I listened to Louis. He was still in the bedroom sulking like a child. 

"Louis, qu’est ce qu’il s’est passé?" (Louis what happened) I asked him speaking French maybe he would talk to me that way. I waited a few moments and was about to give up and sit on the couch and wait till tomorrow when I heard him move off the bed and sit against the door. 

"Rien." (nothing)

He was lying. Nothing was a lie and he was just being a smart ass now. "Calvin pensait bien faire. Il voulait que je sois au courant pour que je puisse être la pour to." (Calvin meant well. He wanted me to know so I can be there for you). I pleaded with him. My heart ached as he was being a stubborn bastard. 

" C’était rien." (it's nothing)

"You got kicked in the knee and the team turned their backs on you for fear of a man who is trying to show off his masculinity. That's not nothing." I said ranting to him. "Je suis désolé." (I'm sorry) I said back in French. I want to break this door down and look at him and let him know I was sorry. I spoke from anger and I was a version of myself I hated when it came out. 

"Je ne pensais pas ce que j’ai dit." (I didn't mean what I said.) He told me his voice was soft and apologetic. "Je ne veux pas que tu t’inquiètes." (I don't want you to worry).

I laughed as I closed my eyes and smiled. "Louis, je m’inquiète tout le temps pour toi. Je t’aime et je m’inquiète et je veux ce qu’il y a de meilleur." (Louis I worry about you all the time. I love you and i worry and want the best). I explained to him as I heard him move in the dorm. "Je ne veux pas que tu penses que tu as à faire ça seul" (I don't want you to think that you have to do this alone.)

"Je sais." (I know). 

"mais ce ne sont pas juste des mots, Lou." (But it's not just words Lou). I insisted to him, "Je suis là, tu peux rentrer énervé comme jamais mais je veux que tu me parles, hurles, cris, mais ne m’en veux pas et plus important, ne te blâme pas. Temps que tu es sincère avec toi même, tu ne peux pas te tromper" (I am here, you can home home pissed as hell but I want you to talk to me, yell and vent don't blame me and more importantly don't blame yourself. As long as you are being try to yourself then you aren't wrong.)

"Je suis désolé." (I'm sorry)

"Je suis aussi désolé." (I'm sorry to). I apologized to him. "I reacted and." I stopped taking a deep breath in. "I want you to be open with me. I love you and darling don't shut me out. I have been where you are and I don't want you to do this alone. I am here but I'm not your punching bag. You can't lash out when people are stupid of the entire world would be even more fucked up. I love you and don't get in your head. Just- just open the door Louis please." 

I heard the lock click and I sat back as the door to the bedroom opened. Pushing myself up off the floor and walked in as Louis sat on the ground his face red and puffy from crying. I sat down next to him as he laid his head in my lap and I rubbed his back. "I didn't think. I do that. I'm sorry." He told me as his eyes looked straight ahead. 

"Learn. You have a right to be upset but you need to call Calvin and apologize to him to." 

"I know." He said like a child. "It's not the names. It's the names they associate with you and it's not true. I can deal with crap, I have all my life but they get me when they make comments about you and that is when I lose it. No one needs to come after you when Stan has an issue with me." 

"Did you punch anyone." 

"No." He said as he took a deep breath in. "I wanted to but I heard your voice and I stopped." 

"Good." 

"I was my father." He said scared of himself. "I saw his anger in me as I yelled at you. I couldn't stop and I wanted to. With every word I cringed. I didn't want to hurt you in my heart but my head wanted to lash out at anything that moved around me." Louis sat up and looked at me. "I don't want to be him but it just- I hurt you and I keep hurting you."

Taking his hand I gave it a squeeze and kissed the back of his. "All our dark sides come out when people start to take away what we love but I am always going to be here and when you need to tap out I'll be ready to go." 

Louis buried his head on my shoulder. "Can we go to bed?" He asked me. "I don't want tea or food I just. I need to escape for a while and be happy again." 

"Shower, I'll heat up your dinner and then we can go to sleep." I said lifting his head and looking into his eyes. "Need more ice for your knee?" 

Louis shook his head. "I could use a smoke." 

"Out the window." I said pointing to the window as he grabbed his pack and lighter and slowly got up off the floor. 

"I won't stop caring about you." Louis spoke as he lit his smoke and took a drag. He hunched down by the window as the cold wind entered the dorm. "I realized it makes me fight harder and know that I'm where I should be." I paused as he looked out the window and he spoke, as if it was easier to do that then look at my face. "I'm not good with emotions if any kind they tend to explode out of me and it's not right. I will work on it and not hurt you. I don't do it on purpose. I never want. I'm an idiot and I'm learning how to be less of one." 

I walked over and knelt down, turning Louis head towards mine I brushed the hair out of his eyes and kissed him as some of the cigarette smoke entered my lungs. I didn't need to tell him again that I was sorry, he knew and I knew he was sorry. I kissed him before getting up and going to heat up his dinner. Our lives falling back into the pattern it was before and as we left the two behind us and moved on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it took a while to update! I was almost in a car accident Saturday and it's thrown me off my game and my body has been trying to recover (which has sucked....) 
> 
> So thank you all again for reading and the glorious comments(: I love you all 
> 
> XO  
> Vi


	22. valentine [l.t & h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _you're so fucked up and I love it. You're so obtuse, but I love you anyway || F**ked Up (Young Rising Sons)_

**[l.t]**

"I get the concept and the drive behind the holiday. I just feel that society has made it such an important part of who couples are and if you don't have someone then you are a pathetic fucker who will forever be alone," I told Harry as I slipped into my pajamas and kicked my clothes in a ball in the corner of the room. "I don't see anything wrong with the, and I use this term loosely 'holiday' but I don't see anything right with it either." 

Harry shook his head as he hung up his dressing gown and pulled his hair back before walking over and picking up my clothes. "You still got a card didn't you?" He asked folding my trousers and tossing my shirt in the hamper we shared. 

"Yes and a present because I wanted to. But I give you things that have nothing to do with a day society made up. You know the true history of Valentine's Day?" I asked Harry climbing into bed and moving against the wall as he walked to the bed and climbed in as well. Turning his head he smile and looked at me, interested in what I had to say or he was being a true ass hole and just was doing this to be a dick. 

"Go on history book Louis. Tell this uneducated soul what he day is about." Harry said as the sarcasm left his lips and my eyes narrowed at him as he smiled his dimples making me want to kiss him and not get angry. 

"Nope not if you are going to be rude." I said sitting up and crossing my arms over my chest. Harry laughed as he laid his head in my lap and looked up at me. God he was so hard to stay fake mad at. "It was about a Saint." I finally told him. 

"Valentine?" 

"Watch it wise arse." I said narrowing my eyes down at him. "He was jailed for basically going against the Roman Empire because they were dicks and then they burned him. Yes. Death! It wasn't until the Middle Ages when some idiot decided to use this time of courtship and to send flowers and handwritten notes and then we hit the 20th century when people realized they could profit from these poor souls and thus the hallmark or all Hallmark holidays was born!" I explained remembering what I read on Wikipedia but acted as if I was an expert. 

"But you got a card and gift and I got us a reservation for dinner and other surprises tomorrow so are we the pathetic naive fuckers you were talking about?" Harry asked me as he poked my cheek and acting as if he was seven.

I nodded my head. "Yes we are." 

Laughing he sat up and kissed me. "I am okay with it and don't think you need to be extra romantic tomorrow." 

"I don't plan to be." I admitted bluntly to him setting the alarm on my mobile and plugging it in and rested it on the ledge by the head of the bed. 

Shaking his head he laid back down on his side of the bed. "Your lucky I like you." 

"I could say the same for you." I said as I laid down on my back. "I just have practice and then I'm all yours tomorrow." 

Harry turned and looked at me. His green eyes were big and bright, I tried not losing myself in them but it was so hard. "I'm holding you to that darling. Now we sleep since we haven't been to bed before 2 it will be nice." Kissing me Harry reached over and turned off the tall floor lamp and the room went dark. I was tired I had two practices today and I finished a paper so I would be free all weekend. My eyes felt heavy as I soon heard Harry's rhythmic breathing next to me and I knew he was asleep. My stomach felt off but I blamed the sketchy tacos I ate that Harry told me not to. Shrugging I rolled over, buried my face into Harry's back and listening to him breath as I felt myself falling asleep. 

I didn't feel like I was asleep for long when I woke up and felt sick. Not the sick where I just needed to poo. A true sick which made my even more worried. "Shit." I hissed sitting up as my stomach was in full swing of acting up. Covering my mouth I got out of bed. I wasn't sure how long I was asleep but I woke up, my body was clammy and I was sweating. Heading into the bathroom I didn't want to wake Harry so I just felt around the dorm until I opened the bathroom door. Shutting and locking it I took a seat on the cold tile and felt all the inside of my stomach turning. Moving closer to the toilet I hung my head down as my entire stomach decides to show itself to me again. I closed my eyes as I hated when I vomited, I hated the smell, the look and if I could I would have plugged my ears so not to listen to it either. 

My back hunched over as I felt my insides dying. As I took a break from vomiting I rested my head on the rim of the toilet and my eyes closed as I took a weak hand and flushed the toilet. I had about ten minutes between vomiting to red. My body was sticky. It hurt. My hands shook and my back hurt. I wiped the sweat from my brow and leaned against the wall as my body gave me a break from vomiting. There was nothing left but my organs and at the rate I was going I would see my spleen come out of my mouth. 

I sat there, wishing it would stop as I felt another wave coming on. It was February 14 and I yet again single handedly ruined another date. A big important date to Harry and me. 

Fuck.

***  
 **[h.s]**

Rolling over I was going to kill Louis for not turning off his alarm for football this wasn't the first time this had happened and I could kill him if I didn't love him. As I rolled over his side of the bed was almost cold. Shooting up in bed I unlocked his mobile and turned off the alarm I frantically began turning on all the lights as I climbed out of bed and grabbed my dressing gown. Walking out of the room I saw the bathroom door was locked and he sounded as if he was dying. 

Shit. 

"Lou." I said as I heard him moan. "Tacos?" 

"I'm fine," he moaned. He was anything but fine. I heard the toilet flush and the door opened. There he stood, his eyes were sunken in, his face whiter than normal and his lips seemed to blend into his face. He staggered out of the loo as I helped him stand up. His face was flushed in his cheeks and I could tell he had a temperature by the way his entire body was shaking but there was still sweet on his brow. "Practice." He mumbled and I held back a laugh. 

"Is for people not slowly dying," I told him as he turned around and shut the door in my face so I couldn't see him vomit. "Louis."

"No." He said as I heard him prop something against the door. 

"Louis I need to take your temperature," I told him as I grabbed the first aid kit that was in the closet that I got and Louis complained about. Grabbing the thermometer out of it I knocked on the door. "Louis William Tomlinson now." I said as I turned the door handle and pushed the door open. "Okay," I said looking down at him, his clothes were wet from the sweat and where now making his body shiver. "Strip I'm going to wash your clothes and we will get new ones on." I told him as I got the thermometer out, turning it on I stuck it in his mouth. "I will call your coach." I promised as I helped him out of his sweat soaked pajamas. As the thermometer beeped I saw it was 102.4

"I'm fine." He assured him unable to keep his eyes opened. "I will be a-okay for-" he stopped as he stuck his head into the toilet. 

"Right." I told him letting him be. I walked back into the bedroom and stripped our bed from the sheets and duvet I would be washing them all. Rummaging through a drawer I got him a clean shirt and shorts and grabbed his mobile and left the room. I took the dirty sheets and clothes and headed to the washer and dryer on our floor. Paying I put the load in and set the timer before calling his coach. 

"Hi, Coach Flagda this is Harry Louis's roommate." 

"Oh the guy he is also dating I'm assuming you're calling for a reason since it's 5:40 in the morning and we have practice in 20 minutes." 

"He has the stomach flu. He woke up and has been sick since I'm not even sure but he looks like death and I know he is going to hate me for keeping him back but he couldn't leave the bathroom before getting sick again." I explained. 

"I believe you son. Have him get better I expect his ass on the field Monday." Coach told me. 

"I will make sure of that." I promised hanging up the mobile and heading back into the dorm. I grabbed the shirt and walked back into the loo where Louis laid in a ball on the ground. "No practice for you," I said kneeling down and helping him sit up. "Put this on and once you stop vomiting we can get you showered and then on the couch." 

"I'm sorry." He said delusional. "I ruin everything." 

"Hush. I said putting his head through his shirt and helping him with his arms. I took the back of my hand and could feel he was still burning up. Getting up I found a washcloth, soaking it in cool water I folded it and wrapped it around his neck. "I'm going to get some blankets on the couch and put new sheets on the bed okay darling?"

Louis said nothing he leaned his head into my chest. 

"It will pass I promise." I told him rubbing his back. I kissed the top of his head as he sat up and he got a funny look in his eyes and I knew he was going to be sick. Getting up off the floor and let him be as I made the bed with new sheets and then got a bin and put his pillows on the couch and got a charger and a few blankets for when we moved from the bathroom to couch. 

We had nothing here, and I was hesitant to leave him alone so the next best thing I could do was text Rowan. But it was just 6:40 and there was no way I was calling anyone this early. Running my hand over my face I yawned. My mind was on red alert with Louis but my body was tired. 

_Shit. Dinner. The flowers. desert._ I thought to myself as it dawned on me it was Valentine's Day. Louis never seemed to catch a break and knowing him he was going to be kicking himself for ruining the day. That's life and I rather him stay and get better than force him to go out. I heard the toilet flush and the door opened as Louis stood there, his body pressed against the door frame. "Couch?" 

He nodded as I wrapped his arm around me and helped him make it over to the couch. He was half asleep by the time he laid down and I wrapped a blanket around his body. "If you get sick vomit in here," I said holding the bucket up. Louis moaned and rolled over. I brushed the wet hair that was stuck to his forehead away and went to check on the sheets and toss them into the dryer. Leaning against it I tried to figure out what to do. I couldn’t cancel the flowers and I needed to pick up the pastries but there was no way in hell Louis would be eating them and I didn’t want to eat them without him. 

The universe was testing me. I knew that I shouldn’t have purchased the box of condoms it was a bad omen and now they sat in my sock drawer collecting dust for this was the fifth time, yes the fifth time I wasn’t going to take Louis and make him scream my name. Shaking my head I needed to get myself under control. I felt bad about Louis and I knew he was dying missing practice and it was giving Stan the time of his life that Lou was sick. I needed to focus on Louis and getting him better, and getting cleaning supplies to make sure I didn’t get whatever he got for it wasn’t food poisoning which I thought he would have gotten from the tacos from the back of that man's truck. Leaving the laundry room I headed back to the dorm where Louis was snoring and I had time to clean up and text Rowan. 

_iMessage  
7:05pm_

**Hey sorry to text so early and I want to start off and tell you that there is nothing wrong but I woke up today and Louis was sick. I mean flu and everything. With that being said I feel horrible leaving him alone but I need things to help him feel better and can’t get them. I will transfer you the money or pay you if you can get them for me - H**

**The list:  
Gatorade (clear or light blue)   
Crackers   
Lysol spray   
Chicken broth   
Chicken soup   
Milk   
Motron   
Sprite or Ginger Ale - H **

**HARRY I AM SO SORRY! - R**

**I will get ready and head out and get those things and coffee for you. Do you want me to pick up the cookies…. - R**

**Yeah you and Niall can have them - H**

**You okay? I know you had this day planned - R**

**Yeah…. it is what it is. I think it’s all the crap he gave about the actual day that I am laughing about it now. We can’t be a normal couple so this doesn't phase me anymore - H**

**Well I will let nurse Harry get back to work. If he bitches about you taking care of him just ignore him. He gets like that and it’s just him being Louis so don’t take it personal - R**

**Lol I won’t. he doesn’t have a choice if he hates it then he hates it - H**

**That a boy! I will text when I’m heading to your dorm - R**

**Thanks again Rowan- H**

**Anytime Harold - R**

Setting my mobile down I went to check on Louis, his head was still hot and I knew his fever had yet gone away but I didn't want to wake him just yet to take it again. No I was going to let him sleep and pray that he stopped vomiting for I knew it was going to make his side act up from when he got kicked. His muscles tended to tense up there a lot from the attack and it pained me to see that he would be fighting through the pain when working out or at practice. 

*** 

**[l.t]**

This is what death felt like. I am 100 percent true that I am dying while lying on this couch. This was the end. I was going to dye a virgin and Harry was going to go into full mourning and never move on from his loss and he would end up dying a sad lonely man with too many cats. I could see it. Rowan and Niall would go and visit him but he would want to be alone. Still wishing I was alive. I didn’t not him to be lonely or have cats to be frank. No. But there was no escape I could feel my life slipping away from me and the pain in my side shot down my bed as I doubled over and vomited into the bin. 

Death. 

I Louis William Tomlinson was going to die on fucking Valentines Day. 

I felt Harry’s hand on my back rubbing it as I coughed and gagged before having nothing come out. My stomach was empty god dammit body stop making me feel like I need to vomit. Leaning back onto the couch arm Harry took the bin from my hand and sat down. He took a cool towel and i felt him pat my face before he brushed my hair back and I opened an eye to see him putting an alice band in my hair. 

“You wear them when you work out so hush. It will help keep your body cool,” he told him not giving me much of a choice. I closed my eye again as I heard a knock on the door. Really. Company at this time? I was dying and he invited people over to watch.I sat up a bit as I saw him walked to the door, he was still in his dressing gown. Guess it was an informal occasion. 

“Thanks Ro,” I heard him say as he set something down. “No, I owe you. Fine I will make you dinner one night. Okay have fun today with Niall. Thanks again.” He said as I listened to the door shut and watched Harry walk back towards me carrying bags from Target and a box from Spencer’s Jolly Posh. 

“I can eat those.” I lied. I didn’t want to eat anything. I wanted to rip my stomach out so that I didn’t dry heave anymore. Harry just arched a brow as he put the milk and the bag into the fridge as he grabbed a glass and poured some sprite in it and got some red liquid stuff in a cup. “No.” 

“Yes, you have a fever and I don’t need to take you to hospital,” he told me extending his hand out. The stuff smelt like shit. I pouted but he pressed his lips together and extended his hand out even further. 

“I hate you.” I snarled at him. 

“I know.” He told me pushing his hair behind his ears as I took the medicine and gagged as I handed the cup back. Closing my eyes I wanted to scrape the taste off my mouth. 

“Why the fuck didn’t you get me the pills?” 

“Ask Rowan,” He told me as he set the sprite on the table next to my iPad and mobile. “We will wait and when your temperature goes down we will get you into the shower or you will since you are an adult and then we can move back to the bed or say on the couch.” 

“No shower.” 

“Louis.” 

“Nope. To. Sick.” I told him as I pulled the blanket up to my chin. “Just spray me down with Lysol.” 

I heard Harry snort as I knew he was shaking his head at me and trying hard not to laugh. I was funny. Even when I was sick I was a witty bastard who he loved. Sitting up I turned my body and watched him as he began to clean the entire dorm. “I’m sorry.” I told him as I pulled my legs to my chest as a pain in my side passed. “You had today planned perfect didn’t you?” 

“No, but we can do it when you are better.” He told me truthfully. There was no hint of anger in his tone or that he was upset that we had to cancel. I could go. I would shower for that and get all ready and go with him. But Harry had made it clear I was to stay in the dorm. “”What is that look?" He asked me. He knew my looks and as much as I hated it it helped when I was stumped on what to say. "Louis I swear on my record collection, my mother's life and my sperm to make babies I'm not mad." 

"If you swear on your sperm then we know it's serious." I said as he shook his head as he stood in the bathroom door. "I just feel I let you down." 

"Is this the fever talking?" Harry asked placing his hands on his hips. "Are you not held accountable for what comes out of your mouth?" 

Flicking him off I rolled over and put the Telly on. 

"Fine, be a man child." He joked as I listened to him clean the shower. I began to flip through the channels and there was nothing on. I wasn't going to watch a chick flick. I didn't want to watch NCIS and morning cartoons (unless it's Spider-Man) wasn't up my alley either. "I can put in a movie." Harry said as I flipped the Telly off. "Grease?" 

"No." 

"No?! Are you dying? Did an alien take over your body?" He asked and I laughed. "Want me to watch it with you?" 

"Yes." I said smiling as I got my way without asking. "Crackers?"

"Give it another hour." Harry told me as he grabbed the DVD from the shelf and put it in as I turned the telly on and changed it. I sat up so Harry could sit down and I could lay my head in his lap. I loved when we watched movies he would always run his hands up and down my arms I would get goosebumps and then he would kiss me. He put the Rockin Rydell Edition on. Sitting up Harry sat down and I laid my head in his lap and pulled the blanket up to my chin as Harry rubbed my back. 

“You didn’t change today.” 

“Nope.” 

“Why not?” 

I watched him shrugged and then smile as he looked down at me. “Didn’t want to." He told me. "How are you feeling darling?" 

I shrugged as Harry pressed play and the movie began. I felt better but at the same time worse. I knew Harry he would have had the entire day planned from start to finish, the fine details and all. Everything. But here we were, me vomiting and him taking care of me like I was a pathetic piece of shit. I wanted to much to be normal. A normal couple. A couple that can go out and have a nice dinner and dessert and not have the food be bad, or one of us get sick. To go to a museum and enjoy it and not have the exhibit be closed or crowded with small children. Normal. But whatever we seemed to do was thwarted or fucked up. Most of the time it was me. I either was in a mood, couldn't figure out what to say. I had thought today was the day. The day I finally did it (for lack of better words and there was no reason to sound poetic about it). I had wanted to for some time but I wanted to be sure and I am. But my body decided to betray me yet again. 

I was going to tell him at dinner. Try and be romancing but I was sure there was a romantic way to tell your boyfriend you want to do more than sleep in the same bed. I knew it was crude to say 'I want you to fuck me'. Sure in the movies it's all fine but in actual life you can't. Or I didn't think so. I wanted to and now it was another night of me being a virgin and Harry wanking off in the shower to Ed Sheeran or James Bay. 

"I know you're sick but this whole feeling sorry for you is annoying Lou. If I was upset would you be able to tell?" 

"Yes." 

"So we can move on?" He asked. 

"Yes." I said as I felt my eyes getting heavy. "Don't let me fall asleep." 

"Okay." Harry laughed as he kissed my forehead as I watched 'Summer Nights'. 

***

**[h.s]**

I watched Louis sleep as I asked Rowan for another favor hopefully to help turn this day around. The flowers had come while he was asleep and I decided to make this the best Valentine's Day that I could. Setting the flower arrangement on the coffee table. I got some candles out and set them around the dorm and make it feel less like a dorm and more romantic I would say. My mobile buzzed and I knew Rowan was here again, walking to the door I opened it up and she held a bag from Cosí. She had fixed her hair hair and put on make from when I first saw her this morning but yet she wasn’t dressed up for a dinner out with Niall. Which I had assumed he had planned for them. 

"He must be doing better if you ordered food," she told me as she handed me over the bags. I had ordered the food on the phone and she was just my legs to pick them up for me. "Is he asleep?" 

I nodded, "yes he fell asleep through most of Grease and then I put on Love Actually and he went back to sleep," I chuckled. "Thank you again I just- I wanted to do something for I know Louis feels horrible and I don't want him to. So I'll take the carrots and celery out and have him eat the broth, noodles and chicken." 

Rowan smiled at me as she put her gloves back on. "Enjoy your day, and I'm sorry you won't be enjoying the day the way you wanted to." 

I stopped and looked at her. What did Louis tell her? What did she assume? Was I that obvious? I probably was after all it's me and what else do I want to after dating this man for two months. God I was pathetic. 

"Calm down Louis was telling me how he wanted to do it today as well." She assured me laughing at my panic and realizing how desperate I was for Louis. "I'm guessing you have been ready longer than he has." 

"Possibly." I said feeling my face flush and I realized I was a horny twat. “That makes me sound horrible. Please I’m running on no sleep and - I have no excuse I want to sleep with Louis but I promised to not ask until he was ready and I guess today his body wasn’t.” 

“Don’t worry the first time Niall and I slept together I was just getting over bronchitis so it was cut short by my coughing,” Rowan assured me. “It will happen I promise Harry and when it does we will be able to tell on both of your faces and I’m sure Louis is going to have a hard time walking which he will deny. Be gentle and don’t do it before a game that might not be the best.” I felt my face turning bright red and part of me wanted to crawl into a hole as Rowan pulled me into a hug and laughed. “I’m just giving you a hard time,” she told me as I tried to smile but felt dirty in a way. “I would stay and chat but I have to go pick up dinner for me and Nialler.” 

“What is that?” 

“KFC.” She told me straight faced. “He has been missing Nando’s so I told him we could have that and then I made desert and he promised to clean up and he got a new box of condoms and I will have my treat tonight while Jules is out at work.” She told me open about her sex life. “So I get a very Niall and Rowan dinner of KFC but it’s to the point where it’s just another day and why go out when we are content with being at home and saving money. It’s just a day.” 

“God you sound like Louis. I don’t think I’ve ever gotten such a detailed version of what the day is actually about. I mean he is like a bloody history book.” 

“That is Lou,” Rowan told me as she slipped her hat back on her head and her gloves on and pulled her keys out of her bag. “Enjoy.” She smirked as I shooed her away and shut the door. How she and Niall seemed to fit while they were so different it was beautiful. I carried the bag in, setting it on the counter I pulled out Louis’s soup and tried my best to take out the carrots and celery so he couldn’t complain and I would feel better with him staying with chicken, noodles and broth. I then added the dressing to my salad and got my glass of champagne and his sprite. Setting the foot on the tray I walked around and lit the candles around the dorm before turning off the lights. I turned off the telly and put on Ed on the record player and then brought the food over to the coffee table as Louis moved a bit and sat up slowly on the couch. He rubbed his eyes and grabbed his glasses from the coffee table and slipped them on as he looked at me as I kissed his forehead. 

"Soup and sprite for you and salad and champagne for me," I said grabbing my food and sitting next to him in the couch. "Sleep okay?" 

"Too much," he admitted as he leaned over and grabbed his soup. "Are you sure I can eat it?" I had never seen Louis afraid to eat food. I could mark this as a first for him. 

"It's been almost 12 hours since you last were sick so I would say yes just take it slow." I advised as he did. "I want to have a toast,” I told him as I held up my glass of champagne and Louis held up his glass of sprite. “To a Valentine's day the only way Louis and Harry know how to do it. I love you had thank you for spending the day with me even though you kinda had to.” I told Louis as a laugh escaped his lips and he tapped his glass with mine. 

We ate in silence as Ed played. Louis slowly at his soup and I was proud that he ate more than I had thought which was better than nothing at all. I ate my salad for it was the only food I really had all day and I never realized how hungry I had gotten. The silence was nice, it was normal and for a moment I didn't think Louis had just been vomiting up in stomach a few hours ago. Unable to eat any more of his soup Louis set it back down on the coffee table before resting his head on my shoulder. I finished off my salad and set the empty bowl on the coffee table along with my empty glass that had champagne in it. I wrapped my arm around Louis’s back and ran my fingers up and down his arm. 

“We can use them in New York.” Louis said as he broke the silence we had been sitting in. I looked down at him. 

“Use what?” I asked not sure what he was talking about for I hadn't told him about the condoms and I had hid them. 

“The condoms Harold.” He told me matter of factly. 

The little shit. “Why were you in my sock drawer?” I asked him not mad but curious why he was going into my things. Besides the fact he was Louis and he did that. 

“I was looking for socks if you want to get defensive. I was out and you hadn't done laundry so I was waiting and I went in there and saw them. It's a pretty big box are you assuming we will use them all by the end of the year?" He asked now just being a git. I poked his side as he let out a yell and I leaned over his as his back pressed up against the arm of the couch. "I mean we could. I'm very athletic." 

"Arse."

"Is what you want." Louis laughed as I kissed his nose. "You're not mad?"

"I just know if I need to hide things don't put them in my sock drawer," I laughed. "I know it was a shitty day but I honestly wouldn't give it up for the world." 

"No."

I shook my head. "I love you Louis and no matter what holiday, non holiday, sickness or anger or joy I love being with you."

"Sappy much?" 

"Arse much?" I asked getting up to clean the dishes. 

"Thanks. It's nice here. Romantic and make- thanks." He said stopping from using filler words. He was grateful and I was glad he appreciated it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading (: Sorry it took so long work has been mental and I've been having to do things that adults must do which is boring. But alas if I want to have a fun time during a concert in July and then 1D in August I need to make the green! I will be working on the chapters coming up and will be waiting to post them for I'm trying to figure out what I want to do but I will be working on them and they should be up by next week. I have a few more days off coming up and I will be dog sitting so I will be in a house with coffee and snacks and my iTunes and able to write without distractions. 
> 
> Thank you all again! I love you all 
> 
> XO Vi


	23. lifeboat [h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I'll be your compass, I'll guide you where you need to go. When you feel lost hold on to me and I will lead you home || Compass (Oh Honey)_

_An Affair to Remember. Sleepless in Seattle. On The Town. Breakfast at Tiffany's. The Way We a Were. Rent._ All gave me a look at New York but as I rode in the cab the city seemed to engulf me and I felt larger than life. The building seemed to have souls, each person we passed was a living piece of the puzzle that was New York and so was I. There was a rush I felt like an electrical shock through my system that this place could be my future home one day if the cards were dealt and played right.

Louis slid over and rested his chin on my shoulder as my eyes were glued to the window as we drove through Time Square to reach our hotel. "Breathe love." He reminded me as I took a deep breath in and exhaled. His lips kissed my neck as the cabbie pulled up to The Double Tree right in Time Square. I handed over the fare as Louis got out and grabbed my small rolling suitcase and slung his duffel over his shoulder. His rucksack was on his back and I slipped my leather messenger bag over my body as we headed to check in. The doorman smiled as he got the lift for us along with a family and another couple. They all looked tired from their day out and about while I was wide eyed and bushy tailed.

As the doors opened with a ding I got out as Louis followed- I wanted to take this all in, if I had a memory palace I would store all of this in there the smells, the way I felt and Louis looking half asleep and hungry. Digging into my bag I grabbed my camera and snapped a picture of Louis, his hair hidden under a beanie I had made him wear actual trousers with his blue Nikes and one of my white t-shirts under his tan pull over sweatshirt he narrowed his eyes and flicked off the camera as he tried not to laugh as we walked up to the desk to check in. The lobby was grand with white walls, a few deep blue sofas and grey chairs for guest to sit on. We walked over the marble floors and to the long marble front desk where three workers stood with smiles on their faces willing to help. 

"Welcome." The man in the middle said smiling as Louis set the duffle bag on my suitcase. 

"Harry Styles." I said to the man as he typed in his computer. "I have a confirmation number if you need it," I said sliding my mobile from my pocket and pulling up the email. 

"That's not necessary Mr. Styles. A corner king for you and a Mr. Tomlinson?" He confirmed with me as I nodded digging in my bag and pulling out my card. "Have you been to New York before?" 

"I have but tourist over here hasn't," Louis smirked as I snapped another picture at him as the guy behind the desk took my card. "Can we get extra towels sent up he uses a lot with his long hair." 

"Be nice," I laughed as he kissed the back of my neck. I had pulled my hair up in a bun for the flight and the fact I was going to shower when we got here before we went to dinner. 

The man laughed. "It's nice to see people so in love. Turndown service is around 8 and then here is breakfast vouchers for your stay." He said handing us two room cards and the vouchers. "You will be on the 12th floor and if you need anything just dial 0 on the phone in the room." 

Taking the card Louis took the keys and vouchers as he began to head to the other set of lifts. 

"Thanks." I told him as I placed a hand on Louis's lower back and we head to another set of lifts and made our way to the room for the next four days. The lift dinged as we reach our floor, walking out we took a left and walked all the way down to the end of the hall where our room was. Louis slipped the card in the door and pushed the door open with his food. Walking in our mouths dropped a bit. 

It was a dark brown carpet on the floor, the walls were a light tan. The view overlooked the red steps and Time Square. There was a dresser where the TV hung over it, a closet made of the same wood and then a large king sized bed with white sheet and a duvet. The bathroom had a shower and separate soaking tub, a double vanity. 

"This is.... Wow Hazza." Louis said as he set his bag down and looked out the row of windows. Walking over I wrapped my arms around his waist and kissed him on his neck where a hickeys had given him a few weeks ago was finally fading. 

"It a holiday. Our first one and its New York!" I laughed kissing his cheek by his ear. "Let's unpack and get settled." 

Turning around Louis wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me softly before he buried his head into my shoulder and we stood there for a moment. It was nice this. We had been so wrapped up with Uni and football we lost touch for a few days the days leading up to the holiday. It wasn't on purpose but we were adults and this was part of being adults. We still said I love you and kissed each other but we never took a moment to say it with passion. 

"I love you." His voice was muffled but that didn't matter. 

"I love you to. But I'm not unpacking for you:" I laughed as his head shot up and he pushed me away from him as we laughed. I grabbed my suitcase and lifted it on the bed, unzipping it I hung up my dress trousers, shirts and suit jacket for tonight while I slid my jeans and other shirts and pants and socks in the dresser. I lined my shoes up in the bottom of the closet before putting my toiletries on the bathroom. The box of condoms remaining in my bag. Louis mumbled as he set his duffel on the bed and shoved his clothes into a drawer and hung up the few nice items he brought before dropping the bag on the ground. 

"I unpacked." He said to me as he plugged the charger into the wall and plunged his mobile in.

 

Doing the same with my mobile I checked the time and decided we better make a plan for the day before dinner. "So I was thinking we can do the double decker bus tours and see all the sights and get on and off and then we get something to tide us over for lunch. Come back change and I made dinner... What?" I asked Louis as he sat on the bed and smiled at me. "What?" 

"I want to." He said cryptically with a smirk on his face. He had been brooding on and off since we left the dorm at 3am via taxi from the airport. He wasn't a morning person but even the flight he sat there brooding or what I saw when I wasn't sleep. 

"Want to what?" I asked crossing my arms over my chest as his weird mysterious brooding. "Have you been watching One Tree Hill again. You know you aren't Lucas-" I said as Louis got up off the bed, his hands cupped my face as he pressed his lips against mine. I was caught off guard as my hands flapped around a bit before they rested on his hips. I pulled his body close to mine as my mind processed what he meant and my lower body agreed with his statement. 

"One Tree Hill is a classic Mr. 'Let's watch Love Actually' every time you want a nice snog and a hand job." Louis said between kisses. I laughed as Louis moved backwards guiding me towards the bed. Bending down Louis's back hit the bed as I put the weight of my body on my hand that was pressed on the bed. I kissed Louis's neck as my hand ran up his leg and his hands grabbed my ass as he pulled my body down on top of his. 

"That is a classic." I corrected him as my hand ran up his sweater and shirt. His skin cool to the touch. 

"So is OTH." He laughed. "I'm ready Hazza." He said to me breathless as I paused. Why was I pausing I had no idea my mind was several steps ahead of my boys but it just stopped. Frozen. "What?"

Rolling over on the bed I sat up running my hands over my knees I took a deep breath in. "I want to darling but- but I want it to be perfect and yes I will need to fix the ever growing problem in my pants I don't want you to think that just because I got a box of condoms doesn't mean we have to rush." 

Louis sat up, running his hands through his hair he pushed his bottom lips together. "So."

Shaking my head I took his hand. Lifting it up I kissed the back of his hand. "I want it more than you know but I don't want you to think just because we landed in New York I need to rip your clothes off, tie you up and eat you." I admitted to him as Louis's face flushed turning away not to see me. A cackle escaped my lips as I covered my mouth. "Sorry, you are adorable when you get flustered." 

"Not funny." 

I took my hand and turned us head back towards me. "Why are you such an eager beaver?" 

Scrunching his face he looked at me before laying down on his back. "It's just- why don't you now? You are the one who got the condoms." He said exasperated with me. Huffing I laid down next to him. "I want to because I love you Harry and there is something inside of me that every time I see you I want to be closer to you. I want our bodies so close that we are one person. Our breathing the same our movements synchronized as the world stops and the voices die down and it's just me and you. Our breath the only sound and our hearts keeping time to the world around us." He explained to me. 

My heart skipped a beat as I wanted to same thing. I waited as Louis took a deep breath and started talking again. 

"I get nasty, rude, stubborn and I'm just a fucking ass you still love me. Know that I love you and it's not just sex it's- it's me loving someone fully for the first time and I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid because I'm with you and I know that it's all okay." 

I felt the tears in my eyes as I took my pointer finger and wiped the ones that escaped from my eyes. Closing them I swallowed as I tried to think of the words to say to Louis but they were trapped. My heart was racing and I felt for a moment I was going to have a heart attack. It wasn't just sex. Louis was right it was a hell of a lot more and I felt that way with Louis. Rolling on my side I rested my head on my hand as I put my weight on my elbow. "You know something." I said as my lips curved up into a smile. "I love you so fucking much." I said kissing him with passion and fire. "Screw the sights we have tomorrow." I said as as I propped myself up on my knee and hovered over him my hands unbuttoning his jeans. He was toeing off his shoes as I grabbed the bottom of my black v-neck and tossed it in the floor. I slid Louis's jeans off his legs and tossed them someplace as his hands ran up and down my chest before he leaned up, kissing the tattoos on my stomach as I pushed his shirt up in his torsos. His hands made fast work of my trousers before I stopped, getting up I grabbed the box of condoms, tearing it open with my shaking hands a few flew out and landed in my empty bag. Grabbing a handful I tossed them and the lube on the bed as Louis scooted up further on the bed. I pulled my jeans down with my pants and smiled as he laid there in his black boxer briefs. His shirt half on the bed from taking it off. 

He was perfect. His tattoos seemed to melt into his body as I climbed on the bed and kissed his stomach up his chest to his neck. Giving him a few love bites as he grabbed onto the duvet. "I can't promise this will be magical. The first time is always... Could be..." I couldn't even form words as Louis opened the condom and slid it on me. 

"You have little faith." He said his voice seemed to drop a few octaves as my hands grabbed the band around his hips and slid off his pants. My hand grabbed the bottle of line as I kissed him again on his jawline. 

"I can promise you that you will beg for mercy when I'm done with you." I whispered to him as his eyes lit up and I kissed him once more before he could say anything. 

***

"Lou it's fine," I told him as we laid under the sheets his back turned toward me as he looked at the wall. "I told you the first time is... Messy." 

Louis said nothing as I kissed his back. My hands ran up and down his arms. I knew what he was feeling. I felt that way when I first had see it was awkward and hurt and God I was so self conscious about everything I stopped breathing for a bit. 

"Lou." I said kissing him again. "It wasn't bad."

"Yes it was horrible and embarrassing and I wish not to speak of it ever again Harold."

I knew he was going to hate me for this but I had to talk him down off this ledge he had climbed up onto. And if he was calling me Harold it was a very tall cliff he was about to jump off of. "So you climaxed early it happens a lot of the time whe-"

Louis covered his ears and held his eyes shut. "Stop." 

"Oi," I said sitting up and turning him towards me in the bed. "It takes time. We need to learn how to be with each other and for it being your official first time it was a hell of a lot better than mine." I assured him as I pushed the fringe from his eyes kissing his nose I pressed my sweaty forehead against his. "I love you."

"I was. I didn't know what to do with my hands and," he stopped talking as I placed my fingers on his lips. He furrowed his brow at me as I leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. 

"I love you. You started to get the hang of it at the end." I joked as he kissed me back, his hands running through my hair as he wrapped it around his fingers, our bodies wrapped up in the high thread count white cotton sheets. I could stay here all day and wanted to with every inch of my body. 

"Maybe we can try again?" He asked as he raised a brow and smiled like a child as he reached over me to the bedside table where the bottle lay in a pile of unused condoms. I kissed his arm as he tore one open, sliding his hands under the sheets his hands slid it onto me as my arms wrapped around his neck and kissed him slowly as his fingers ran up my sides. 

My hand reached for the bottle as my phone went off. I pressed my forehead against Louis chest letting out a sigh. 

"Who the fucking hell is it?!" He hissed as I kissed him before grabbing my phone and showing him it was Julia. Pressing the green circle I answered a call not by choice but necessity.

"Hi Julia." 

"Louis didn't answer his phone. I'm out and about and wanted to remind you we are meeting at the theater at 7:50. Niall will have her seated and we are on the opposite side... Why do I hear James Bay playing." Julia paused as I head a few car horns honk before she let out a cry of disgust. "Oh Jesus not what I wanted to know. Shit! Andy and I will see you. Bye." She hung up as I looked at Louis as he held his phone up and smiled. 

"Now where were we?" He asked happy he had just won and the phone call was over before a minute's time.

Closing my eyes I sat up. "Sadly we should shower and get ready for dinner. Plus you might want to wait."

"Why?" Louis pouted a bit.

"We have dinner and a close to 3 hour musical. I don't need you unable to sit down for that." I laughed kissing him on his lips as I pushed the duvet off of me. I took the condom off and tossed it in the bin as I slowly walked to the bathroom. "Look nice we will have pictures after." 

"Fine." Louis said as he laid in bed. "What I have to Brooke myself." 

Rolling my eyes I laughed as I stood in the bathroom door. "No more One Tree Hill binge watching." I told him shutting the door and turning the shower on. This holiday might just kill me. 

***

Louis held my hand as we waited outside the theater for Julia and Andy. They had texted us that they were almost there and Louis was getting antsy and I wanted to pee. Our dinner was what I expected me and Louis are more than we had anticipated and then fought over who was paying. It was a normal day for us and even after a few go around a Louis was able to sit through dinner and he didn't look to awkward as he walked. Thankfully he had cleaned up and after his shower curled and styled his hair back adding his black ankle dress skinny trousers with black oxfords with a white cotton shirt with a black suit jacket. "We are going to be late." 

I kissed his lips as he stopped pacing. He wasn't going to admit he was anxious about tonight. His best friend was getting engaged. She was going to be with Niall and things were going to change. Change was scary for Louis more so than most and while he was excited he had complained at dinner about my grey button up that he had originally picked out over a leopard print shirt and my suit jacket. 

"It is okay." I assured him but I knew the words went in one ear and out the other at this point. He was nervous and everything was going to upset him even if a bunny ran past and sat on his foot he would tell the bunny to fuck off. 

"We can't be late." He said as he stopped and looked at me. While Louis mind was usually doing 15 things at once as he looked at me I knew his entire attention was on this night and Rowan being happy for the rest of her life. "And I'm fine so don't ask again." He said as I was relieved to see Julia and Andy coming down the street. "Where the fuck where you?" Louis asked as he gave Julia a hug and then Andy. "Come on." He pulled the tickets from the inside of his suit jacket and walked ahead of us. 

"Someone is antsy." Andy said as Julia shook her head and Louis rolled his eyes at him. Handing all four tickets to user she scanned them and counted us handing the tickets to me as I was the last one in the group. I made my way and hooked my pinky with Louis as we headed into the theater and to our seats. The user handed us the playbills as we walked down the aisle to find our row. 

I held Louis playbill as we walked to our seats, the theater was almost full and just a few stragglers like ourselves were making there way in. "I need a drink." He said dropping my hand and walking out of the theater to the bar. I stood there and had Julia and Andy took the seats further down the row and I went after Louis. My black boots clicked on the marble floors as I walked up to the bar. Louis shows his ID as the bartender poured him a Budweiser. Placing my hand in his back he leaned into a bit as he handed over a 10$ and told her to keep the change as he took the beer and his ID back. 

I said nothing as he stopped and looked at me. I gave him a smile as he smiled back and held out his hand. Taking it we walked back to our seats and made it as the house lights dimmed and Aladdin began. Louis just needed to know I was here. I was and I knew he would be able to survive tonight. 

The magical things about plays is they make you forget what is going to happen after. I sat and watched the entire first act and didn't much think about after. I had been secretly listening to the soundtrack on Spotify so I knew the songs and I read a few synopsis which were close to the original Disney animated film. I looked over at Louis a few times as he seemed to melt into the world of Aladdin and he laughed and even sang along to a few songs. As the Act I finished the house lights returned and people went to the loo, get another drink or just stretch their legs.

"Tired?" I asked Louis as he covered a yawn and looked at me. "I'm being serious your dirty man." 

"I am tired but for other reasons." He said as I elbowed him and saw Julia cringe a bit. Both of us covered our mouths and giggled. We had been up since 3am and would be up late going to a bar of Niall had his way to celebrate or at the hotel. Hell the way that mad Irish man drank it would be both! The lights flickered to tell us Act II was about to begin. 

"If I told you I wasn't fine you wouldn't make a big deal correct?" Louis whispered as the music began. I turned, cupping his face I gave him a soft kiss. 

"I am here. Stability. Even with this changing I'm not." 

I saw a smile out of the corner of his mouth as he turned his head and watched the second act. While nothing surprises me in the show it was brilliant. A lot was ad libbed and the singing, costumes and comedy was spot on. It wasn't until they were doing the curtain call my heart stopped. 

James Monroe Iglehart came to the stage. "Normally this is the part of the show where we talk about broadway cares and this night we will still be taking donations we have another treat for everyone in the theater. It's funny the show is about love, and following your heart and staying true to who you are to find that love you want to be with for the rest of your life," he said as he walking across the stage and stopped as he smiled. "We have fictional characters like Al and Jasmine but we also have real couples like Niall and Rowan." 

I grabbed Louis's hand as there was a spotlight on Rowan as Niall. I stood up as did Harry, Julia and Andy as we watched. We had no idea how Niall pulled this off but if I knew Rowan he would be one lucky man tonight.

"Our friend Niall brought his lovely girlfriend Rowan out from Chicago to come to the great city of New York but to also do something more important and life changing. Come on up." 

We watched as Niall took Rowan's hand and lead her up into the stage. Her entire body was shaking as everyone has their cell phone out recording this. Dropping to his knee Rowan's hands shot up to her face as I knew she was sobbing. 

James held a mic to his mouth as he held the ring out. "Rowan the first thing you said to me was 'you look like you could use a home cooked meal' and I knew then you were the woman for me. One who loves food. Laughing. Listens to me talk about derby." Rowan rolled her eyes and laughed as Niall cleared his throat as he tried not to cry. "I love you more than Nandos. I have loved you from the first date we had at the taste of Chicago and laid on the beach and watched the stars turn to a sun rise. I know that my life would be nothing without your joy and laughter so please don't make me look like a prick and agree to marry me?" 

Rowan nodded her head as her voice shook out the word "yes." Niall slipped the ring on her finger as he stood up she wrapped her arms around his neck as they kissed his hands wrapping around her waist as he spun her around. The entire theater erupted in cheers and clapping as the cast all congratulated her and many were crying as well as the audience around us.

"Tommo she said yes!" He yelled as Louis wiped away the tears from his eyes as a spot light landed on is. "I had to have the gang watch."

"Of course," laughed Rowan as they stayed on the stage and an usher lead us up there to congratulate them. Julia pulled her best friend into a hug as Louis stood there, his hand locked with mine as Rowan broke free he let go of my hand and gave his best friend a hug. He then gave Niall a hug as well patting him on the back. 

"You sure you want to marry her?" He asked as Rowan slapped Louis. "Oi!" He yelled as we then went to meet the cast of the show. The stage director came out and took photos for us. I felt like I was in a dream and I wasn't going to wake up from. After an hour we thanked the theater again, our phones filled with photos of the cast, hands full of merchandise we headed back onto the streets of New York. Niall was now on another mission. Find a bar. He wasn't even aiming high for a pub. No he wanted a bar or anyplace where we could celebrate. As we all walked down the street drunk on love and joy He ducked into the first bar he found. He went to the bar and ordered the usual round of shots and then Guinness for all. 

We all piled into a round booth, each couple full of romance and joy as the shots were sat down in front of us six arms reached out and grabbed one. Niall held his hand high as he spoke loudly and proudly. 

"Huzzah to marriage, Rowan and sex that can be even kinkier once we are married." 

We all cheered and down the shot of Jack, flipping the glasses over Niall pounded the table and turned and kissed Rowan. 

"Next round is on me!" Louis yelled and I knew it was going to be a long night and I was going to enjoy it with the rest of them. 

***

Louis pressed my back up against the hotel wall in the hallway as his lips covered with whiskey and beer kissed my neck. The smell of two cigarettes smoked on the walk back strong in his clothes but I wanted that smell on me. His hands ran up my legs and slowly moved over the front of me as I felt my trousers getting tighter as I tried to get the door to our room open. Turning the handles the door opened and both me and Louis lost our balance and fell onto the ground with a loud thump as the door hit our side as we blocked it from closing all the way. Louis's eyes squinted as he laughed and kissed my neck. "I'm getting breakfast with Ro tomorrow." He said kissing my neck as I unbuttoned his trousers and felt the heat in his pants. 

"Cheers." I said breathlessly as he stood up, pulling me to my feet I quickly slipped the do not disturb sign on the door and locked, bolted and even moved the desk chair in front of it. "Shall we get back to work on the mega box I got?" I asked as he ripped off my suit jacket and unbuttoned the three buttons of my grey shirt before sliding it down my arms. It fell to the ground as he bent down and kissed my navel as his bare hands ran up my sides and he kissed me until he lightly bit the bottom of my lip before kissing me. "Fuck." I huffed as my knees went a bit weak and he smiled. He was good at this and I wanted to strangle him for it. 

"Can I try." He asked me as I ripped off my shoes and stood there. Everything in my mind was screaming at me to have him wait. Make sure he knew what he was going but as I stood there in a semi pissed state of mind I just want Louis. I want all of him. I needed him.

"Yes. god yes." I said breathlessly to him not sure if it was the alcohol mixes with my emotions from the proposal but I stripped from my trousers as did Louis, our lips moving over each other's necks and torsos as we stepped out of our trousers our clothes scattered around the room. When my back finally hit the bed I looked up at Louis and hoped that one day he would be proposing to me. "Shit we left that out for turn down arrive." I laughed as Louis grabbed a condom and the lube. 

"At least they didn't find sex toys." He pointed out as a laugh escaped my lips. My hands met his as I took the condom and smiled. 

"Let me assist." I told him as I tore the packaging open and slid it onto him. "No I-" but he pressed his lips against mine as his hand did something on his mobile. 

"I know what I'm doing now." He said deeply into my throat as he set his mobile on the bedside table by the condoms and James Bay began to play softly and I knew I was going to get wrecked by Louis Tomlinson. 

*** 

"Harry are you awake." I heard Louis ask me as he played with my hair. I wanted to be asleep the man was determined to get it right and after several goes we were amazing. My entire body never felt this tired nor has it ever had such an intense workout. I mumbled to let him know I was awake and I snuggled in closer to his body. The only thing wrapped around us were the sheets and our limbs. "Do you still want to do the Bus tour?" 

"Well we have dinner all six of us tomorrow so we can be lazy and just go to Central Park, I know you have seen the sights." I said sleepily to Louis as I felt him kiss the top of my head.

"Well I thought we could do the Empire State Building and then a bike ride over the Brooklyn bridge and lunch in Central Park?" 

I opened an eye and looked at Louis. His fringe was stuck to his forehead from the sweat but the rest of his hair was sticking out all over the place from my hands pulling and running through it. "You are being serious correct?" 

"Yes. I just have this breakfast with Ro we always do when we come to New York and Julia is off to Jersey with Andy to meet his parents and you and Niall can alway go and get some breakfast." He offered me as I propped up on my elbow. My hand resting on his chest. "Plan?"

"Sounds like the perfect plan for us."

"Good since I made the reservations for the bikes and got tickets for the Empire State Building." He told me as I looked over and saw it was 4:36 am. "Now we can sleep." 

I wanted to talk more. I wanted to know how he was feeling how it was for him. I wanted to have him open up about the proposal and his feelings not just ignore them with sex. Kissing his bare chest I got up to use to toilet before going back to bed. "What time is your breakfast?" I asked him walking into the bathroom and leaving the door open. 

"9:45 she is picking me up." Louis said as I heard his phone clicking as he texted. "She said Niall will come with and you two can get breakfast and we will meet at 11:30 in Central Park." 

Flushing the toilet and washing my hands I walked back out as Louis watched me with a smile. It was nice to finally be fully naked around him and it would be nice in the dorm as well- not that I was run around nude but having the option is always nice. "Okay so lunch for us and then-" 

"Empire State and off to rent bikes and we can have a snack before come back shower and get ready for this celebration dinner and then Niall wants to go to a piano bar." 

"Smashing." I said sliding under the duvet and sheets as Louis set his mobile down and wrapped his arms around me. 

"Set an alarm for 8 for you and 8:45 for me." 

"Brilliant." I chuckled sleepily as he kissed the back of my neck. "We better sleep if we have a long day of physical activity ahead of us." I joked with a yawn. 

"I was worried," Louis told me. I wasn't sure what topic we were discussing so I waited for him to finish. "Rowan getting married. I love Nialler but she was... Rowan my lifeboat. But it's funny how one doesn't even know they moved from one lifeboat to a bigger one. I am happy but it will take time to get use to it- all of it. We graduate and Ro will be living with Niall. Julia might be here might be back in Jersey or hell California for all we know. And you'll be-"

"With a man I care a lot about finishing up Uni as he takes on the world doing whatever it is he does." I assured Louis. "I'm always your lifeboat Lou. That's never going to change. I'm not running or leaving you even if you are a man child." I laughed as he poked my side. "I love you and sex aside I have loved you before and will love you long after." 

His lips kissed the back of my neck as a chill went down my spine. "I love you to Hazza." He said almost to himself as I felt his head burry into my back as my eyes felt heavy. I have a few hours to sleep before a new day began. I just hoped we both could ride a bike across the Brooklyn bridge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUZZAH AN UPDATE! This is part 1/2 for NYC. So the second one is being written today and hopefully up by Sunday (but I work crazy hours this weekend thanks to companies having sales on a holiday that was about America gaining independence *steps down from soap box*) 
> 
> 1) I'm sorry I've been in a writing write and life rut but figured things out and fingers crossed Plan Z for my life works  
> 2) I love you all and thank you for the comments, kudos and reading it means the world to me and if I could I would take you all out for drinks to say how thankful I am.  
> 3) I'm see 1D in less than 2 months with my best friend and I realized I'm going to be so wrecked by pretty boys and I'm okay with it (: 
> 
> Love you all  
> XO  
> Vi


	24. tiffany's [l.t]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Falling in love could be achieved in a single word- a glance || Ian McGwan (Atonement)_

God it was early. I hate everything about this morning as Harry's alarm went off. Moaning I pulled the sheet over my head as Harry's hands wrapped around my body and kissed my neck. I didn't want to do anything but stay in the bed with Harry but no. The world was waiting for us and I wasn't sure if my body would be able to move after all the activity last night. "No." I mumbled as I felt Harry laugh against my skin as he kissed me a few more times. His lips were soft on my skin.

"Yes." He said his voice was deep with sleep. "Niall and Ro will be here within the hour and I know how long it takes you to shower and get ready so go." He kissed me again as I moaned, turning head I opened up my eye and looked at him as he chuckled. Slapping my ass I snarled and slowly got out of bed and made my way to the shower. I needed a shower and the cold water felt good on my stiff muscles all over my body. Running my hands through my wet hair I hummed as my chest felt happy. My entire being felt happy, I felt lighter. I had felt happy when Harry and I kissed, and when we became official. This was different he was a part of Harry now and Harry was a part of him. He had loved sex and every moment of it but it was so much more and he couldn't put his finger on it. 

"Hurry up I would like to shower as well," Harry laughed as he stood in the bathroom and I turned off the water grabbing the towel I wrapped it around my waist and shook my hair as Harry slapped my arm and I laughed, covering my face as a cackle escaped my lips. "I love you." Harry told me as he kissed me before I slapped his bare ass as he narrowed his eyes at me before heading into the shower as I went back into the room to get ready for the day and my breakfast with Rowan. Slipping on a pair of jeans with a baseball shirt with black sleeves. Sliding on my white converse on I added my jean jacket as it was still a bit cold outside. I heard the shower turn off as Harry was humming to that Cab song he always did when he was happy. Sliding my billfold into my pocket I grabbed my phone off the charger. 

"They are in the lobby I'm going to send Nialler up while Ro and I catch a subway. See you in Central park for lunch." I told Harry as he walked out of the bathroom with a white towel around his waist and another trying his long caveman looking hair. I kissed him on the lips as I flicked the towel and watched it fall as Harry took the one in his hand and slapped me with it. "Be nice." I told him giving him one more kiss as I headed on out of the hotel room and down to the lobby. Rowan stood in her black ankle capris with a black button down chambray shirt and black flats. Her hair pulled back in a bun as she smiled her lips curving up into a smile as her ring looked natural on her hand. "Hello engaged friend." 

"Hello," Rowan paused as she looked me up and down as she smirked at me, her brows arched as I widened my eyes at her my lips pressed together as I knew that she knew. "My dear Louis." 

"Let's go." I said as I grabbed her arm and pulled her out of the hotel as we stood on the street as she smiled at me while I huffed and she made her way down the street and I walked after her biting my bottom lip I followed her. 

"Hurry up Tomlinson." She called out as I flicked her off and walked as fast as I could over to her. Scanning our subway cards we caught the orange line over to Manhattan. "Sbux when we arrive."

I nodded to her as she nudged me. We remained silent as we rode and I watched people come and go from our car. There lives for a moment crossing paths with mine. It's amazing how one interaction with a stranger can change someone's entire life. How a small act would cause a ripple and would lead me here with Harry. I held onto the bar above my head as we passed stop after stop and I wondered if this feeling was ever going to leave. I didn't want it to leave ever. I wanted to stay in this bliss. I loved being happy and head over heels in love and I liked being happy and for once in my entire life I didn't want to fuck it all up. Once we reached our stop Rowan took my hand and we headed off the subway, her shoes clicking on the concrete as my white converse seemed to stand out. 

"Coffee and breakfast please I'm starving and I'm guessing that you are to."

"Meaning?!" I asked her as she turned around. I still had decided if I was going to tell her about the first time or just lie and skip to when we mastered it around the 4th go around.

"Meaning we didn't have any. I don't know what you are referring to." She said as we made it above ground and Manhattan surrounded us and it oddly felt like another home. Maybe it was the numerous trips with Rowan's family or maybe New York will be like Paris was to Rick and Lisa. Maybe it will be more for us one day. Rowan held open the glass door to Starbucks as I got in line. Thankfully it was a Saturday so it wasn't as busy as it could have been. "So how was showing Harry around New York yesterday? She asked me as I tried to fight back rolling my eyes at her. "What? Julia told me nothing. Niall that is a different story." 

"No." I said as we got up to the barista. "Can I have grande dark roast and then a grande pike with three pumps of white mocha and two bacon and gouda sandwiches." I told the barista Emillie as I handed over my gold card and Rowan went down to the end to pick up our drinks. "Thank you." I told her slipping the card back into my billfold as I slipped it back into my jacket pocket inside and made my way down over to Ro. Rowan handed me my coffee as she held hers close to her body smelling it as if just doing that was going to wake her up. 

"I told you about when Niall and I did it for the first time and how bad it went. Now tell me Louis William Tomlinson or I will ask Harry." 

"You wouldn't..." I said but I knew that she smiled. Smiling without showing anything teeth she handed me my breakfast sandwich and we walked towards Tiffany's. "Your first time wasn't as bad as mine." 

Scoffing Rowan swallowed her coffee as the calmness of a Saturday morning in New York came over us. "He was talking and his accent was so thick when he was about to come that I didn't know what he was saying and I started to laugh and then a goddamn Backstreet Boys song came on the iPod. Beat that." She told me as I didn't want to relived that moment. I wasn't proud but Harry didn't mind or he said he didn't I still wasn't sure if he was lying for I wasn't able to look at his face. "Lou come on we all have horrible first times." 

"I didn't know what to do with my hands." 

Rowan looked at me and I could tell from the corner of my eye she was trying not to laugh. 

"So I laid there and my hands were by my side like if I was a fucking starfish." 

Covering her mouth she laughed as I nudged her towards the buildings we were walking past. "But I'm sure that Harry was Harry and talked you down from your nerves thoughts and fears that he was going to leave." 

"We just kept going at it till we got better." I told her proud now that in no time I knew what made Harry tick and I could have him coming undone in a matter of moments he had me within a few seconds. "Does this feeling stop? This blissed feeling that you could climb to the top of Mount Everest, swim with sharks and maybe even capture big foot?" I stopped as I leaned against the brick wall of Tiffany's. 

"Truthfully?" Rowan asked me as she stood next to me her head turned as she pushed her sunglasses up on her head. "Sometimes it waines and then Niall or even I do something or remember something and there it is again. It leaves when you become complacent. But I feel it every day still with Niall, engagement aside. I think the first time I felt like this I knew that he was the one for me and it was hard work and yes we had fights, we talked them through and we moved on and learned. I love that Irish bastard so much that I want his dreams to come before mine. It's funny how you think you know what you want in life and then one day you wake up and realize that if that person isn't with you the dreams don't seem to matter at all." 

I nodded. "I love Harry." I told her as I watched people walk past us. Some were natives to the other while some were families or friends on vacation. All of them happy and experiencing New York and having this place hold a spot in their heart like it did mine. "It is weird. A good weird where you don't know what the feeling is but you don't want it to go away for it somehow has made you better." 

"Make sure that Harry knows when footie starts to control your life. He is human to and sometimes we need a reminder that is more than a five second kiss," Rowan reminded me as she finished off her breakfast sandwich and took the last sip of her coffee. "He loves you to Lou and it makes me so happy as your best friend to see you this way. But you know you will get shit at the games from Stan when Harry is in the stands." 

"I know." 

"It's how you react to the vile words that will show Harry you care and while sometimes it's hard for them to just be brushed off it's just words of one man who is afraid of anything not like him and that is sad. I feel sad for Stan that he isn't happy. Don't let him take that joy and bliss from you or Harry. He shouldn't have that kind of power. No one should." 

Tossing my emptied coffee and crumbs for the breakfast sandwich into the bin I gave Rowan a hug. She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me as I knew this change was going to be okay. Niall was a good man and I was still going to be in Chicago with Harry for at least a year. "Now where to?" Rowan asked as I smiled and headed into Tiffany's. "Louis..." She asked walking behind me. I smiled at the security guard as I headed to the ring I had been looking at online for the past month when Harry was at work and then for precaution I would clear the browser history so he wouldn't be nosey. 

I motioned for Rowan to follow me into the lift. While whenever we came to New York we always had breakfast in front of Tiffany's (and she dressed like Audrey Hepburn) we never went in. Rowan wasn't a jewelry person and if she did it was from an antique store that cost her 3 dollars not 300. Getting into the lift she looked at me a bit confused and I just smiled. I wasn't going to ask Harry to marry me. Not yet. I wasn't even sure what this ring was for but I needed to purchase it for him. 

As the lift doors opened I walked out with a purpose. While I dressed like a poor Uni student I had been saving for this, working extra hours, not eating out as much but not enough for Harry to think that something was wrong with me. He figured that I was saving for our trip to London which I was in a way but this was on the list of money to spend before London and Cheshire and Doncaster. The sales associate dressed in all black smiled at us. Her bottle blonde hair was perfectly straight and she wore a nice Tiffany's bracelet around her wrist. She approached Rowan instead of me which was common in places like this. 

"How can I assist you?" she asked as Rowan smiled at her and then turned to me. 

"My friend is looking for what is it again Lou?" 

"I need the double milgrain wedding band." I told her as she stood up a bit taller and smiled at me. "I need a size seven." I explained as she walked ahead of us to the case where the ring laid. It was a 6mm thick band that had almost a rope look around the bottom and top that was engraved. "I would also like it engraved and I would like to take it home with me today." I told Emillie as she unlocked the glass case and held the ring out for me to look at. 

"Lou it's beautiful." 

"He wears all silver so I figured to keep with that," I told her as I inspected the ring. "He has such slender fingers it's annoying most of the time." I laughed as I could see this on his hand. "That can be done correct Emillie?" 

She nodded to me as she took the ring back. "What. What would you like on the ring Sir?" 

"Toujours et à jamais." (Always and forever) I said as I wrote it down on the paper for Emillie double checking the spelling I handed the paper to her. Harry and I whenever we were stressed, horny or wanting to have a private conversation we always spoke French to each other and it only seemed fitting that I carry that tradition of ours with the ring. Emillie headed her way to get hte ring engraved as we waited. I had a few moments until I had to meet with Harry anyway and he was picking up lunch so that would keep him busy while I waited. 

"Okay what the fuck?" Rowan hissed to me as we sat down on the two chair that were off to the side. "What is doing on?" 

"I got Harry a ring." 

"Yes I get that... are you proposing?" she asked in a whisper at me as a few people walked past. I had no idea why she was whispering but I was going with it. I got a ring so I Paul's be proposing eventually to Harry.

"No. Not yet at least. I want to be with Harry forever Rowan and as much as I hated commitment and laughed at the idea of love I was... and I will only say this once." I told her as she pressed her lips together her brown eyes growing wide as she leaned forward towards me. "I was wrong. I want everything with Harry. I want to be there when he reaches his goals. I want to take care of him when he is sick and maybe oneday even have a family with him." 

Rowan sat back in her chair as she put her hand on her chest. "Sorry. I'm either dying of a heart attack or dreaming." 

"Jesus don't be so melodramatic." I huffed at her. "I love him Ro and I get it. I get why you and Niall do things the way you do. I get the feeling of being happy when someone else is. I'm not a tin man any more and I don't want to ever be that man again." 

Reaching her hand out she grabbed my and gave it a squeeze. "I always knew you had a heart it just took the right person to break down those walls around it. I won't tell Harry or Niall since he is a big mouth when it comes to romantic gestures." 

I laughed as I kissed her hand. "I don't think I am going to ask him soon but I wanted to get the ring here for he loves the movie and New York is more than a city to us and now I'm turning in a fucking romance movie I need a beer and a football." I smiled at Rowan as she shook her head at me as we waited for the ring to be finished. 

***

I couldn't sit down but my legs hurt so much that I wanted to sit down as we walked into the hotel room. The bike ride has started off as a brilliant idea but about 10 minutes in I realized that I had made the biggest mistake of my life and I wanted to die. Walking forward I fell face first on the bed as I let out a moan as Harry flopped down next to me as he winced in pain and rolled over onto his stomach. Grabbing a pillow he balled it up under his head his hair pulled up in a bun and his face a bit red from the wind and the sun. "Why?" 

"We thought it would be fun. I was wrong. I'm so sorry." Harry said closing his eyes. "I mean it was. Then it wasn't. Then I realized I rather ride off the Brooklyn bridge then ride back." I watched as his entire body seemed to relax next to me as I never was going to get up from this bed.

"Me to. Can we ditch dinner?" I asked him as Harry closed his eyes and I knew he was thinking about it. I wanted him to because I wouldn't be able to sit through dinner. Hell I couldn't sit through a two minute taxi ride. "I love the, but can't do it. I can't sit. I can't stand." I paused as it hit me. "I'll break a finger so we can't go." 

Harry opened up his left eye and muffled and laugh. "So you can still play footie?" 

Tapping his nose I smiled. "Bingo." Harry stretched his arms above him and pointed his toes as I laid my head on the small of his back. "Do you ever think about moving after Uni?" I asked Harry as my head moved up and down with his breathing. 

"Like to London?" 

"Anywhere really." I offered him. 

"After the past two days I want to any New York but I'm in a blissful state of mind where I would scale the Empire State Building and declare my love for you." Admitted Harry. "I love Chicago, I love New York and I love London. Whatever happens we decide together okay. I want wherever we end up its together and we are in this blissful state." 

"Really?" 

I sat up as Harry sat up and looked at me, taking my hand he kissed it. "Yes Louis and in a non cliche, over Hollywood hyped way I love you all of you and I know we haven't talked about it and with the year coming to an end for you I know it's been weighing on my heart and mind. I want what is best for us Louis and I want us forever." 

I felt a lump in my throat as I leaned forward and pressed my forehead against his chest. "Yeah..." 

"I don't have engagement fever Louis after all of this but I just want to make sure that we are thinking the same thing."

"We are." I said cupping his face and kissing his lips. I loved kissing Harry I could kiss him all day long. My hands ran up his legs as my lips kissed his neck as Harry gave a slight moan as I stopped placing a hand on his chest I looked up at Harry and couldn't help but smile. "And no I don't have engagement fever either but someday." 

"I look forward to that day."

"Me too." 

***

"You two okay?" Andy asked as I sat, or tried to sit down at dinner. I had tried to use my powers of persuasion to get Harry to ditch but he was Harry and there we were. Dressed nice, hair done, faced shaved and me dying slowly at dinner. The restaurant was close to the hotel thankfully so the walk was short and painful. Rowan and I had eaten at this place multiple times and it felt normal being in a small space, the warn out wood floors, the tans and reds on the walls. The wooden tables with white places and napkins. 

Looking up from my half eaten pasta I smiled at Andy who sat looking like a Ken doll next to Julia. "Long bike ride." 

Niall choked on his beer as he spat it back into his glass. Harry's face turned as red as a tomato as Julia covered her mouth from laughing and Rowan snorted a bit as everyone at the table was a child and I huffed. 

"Okay you nasty minded wanker," I said to him. "We actually went on a bike ride across the Brooklyn Bridge." 

Rowan bit the inside of his cheek and tried not to laugh. I kicked her under he table as she kicked me back. As I winced as I needed to not be sitting down or standing up. If I could I would lay down on the floor and complain how my body hurt me more than it ever had. Past any conditioning for footie, any all nighters I've pulled or couch crashing with Rowan. 

"Moving on," Harry said clearing his throat. "Have you set a date for a wedding or an idea?" Harry asked as he finished off his glass of wine and seemed to be fine sitting there in the chair. I wanted to kiss the smug look off his sexy face. 

"After Niall graduates." Rowan told the table as she set her fork down and pushed her plate away. "We can save and plan and not worry. I graduate soon and that is enough stress to send me to my grave." 

"Plus gives us time since we will be getting married in Chicago." Niall told Rowan as she had tears in her eyes leaning over she kissed him. "We can then go back home and have a small thing for my family who can't make it." 

I wanted to visit by how cute they were, I was about to open my mouth to say something when Harry squeezed my knee. "Can we enjoy both? Give us excuse for another holiday." 

"Don't be so sappy." I laughed as Harry took my hand and squeezed my face as he kissed my lips. I wasn't much for PDA but something about this didn't matter. Poking Harry he flinched as I laughed and poked him in his side as our waiter came to clean up the plates and bring the desert menus for us. "Chocolate?" 

"And Lemon." Harry said kissing my cheek. "Like always." 

We sat around and talked the rest of the night enjoying our deserts and talking about our days. The plans for the rest of the trip and Julia and Rowan joked about her dream wedding she had planned when she was eight. My arm was wrapped around Harry's back as he leaned back, his hand across his chest as he laced his fingers with mine. When the check finally came we fought Niall but he paid for it all. Leaving a tip we all got up and left as the restaurant had thinned out and it was close to 11 am. 

I swung my arm as I watched my hand and Harry's swing. His bracelets clinking together as I pulled him closer to my side. "You know the film Casablanca?" 

Harry looked at me. "I'm a film major." 

"Do you think it's possible that a place like a city can hold so much meaning to a person that they... That it means as much as that person." 

Harry stopped as we stood amongst brown stone homes, and a few coupes and groups of people walking back from dinner and off to the bars. "New York is our Paris and forever will be darling. Only in this movie no one gets on the plane at the end." Wrapping my arms around his neck I stood on my tiptoes and pressed my lips against his as his hands rested on my hips. My dress shirt coming untucked from my skinny jeans as I felt his Hans slip down, cup my ass and pull me close to him. 

"I love you." 

Harry smiled his dimples making my heart melt as he kissed me again. "I love you to." 

I shook my head. "I mean it. With football coming up I- I love you and always will even when I'm a bastard and stressed." 

"I know darling. I will remind you when I feel down and I'll remind you when you need it to." Harry said kissing me again. "How about we hit Walgreens and get horrible junk food and rent over priced movies and stay up all night." 

"Sounds perfect." I told him as I grabbed his hand and we headed to Walgreens. No matter what was ahead of me and Harry we would always have New York.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to thank my best friend for pushing my to write this chapter and helping me when I asked her random questions. 
> 
> Second I'm sorry again it's taking so long I've been dealing with personal issues and getting over this block in my brain with writing and life. 
> 
> Thank you all for reading and commenting and I love you all (: I'm trying to get another few chapters out of this brain of mine this week. 
> 
> XO  
> Vi


	25. complicated [h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _find a heart that love you at your worst, and arms that will hold you at your weakest || anonymous_

Football games were a rush. While most people at university preferred the American type I loved the original form. Sitting bundled up during chilly spring nights watching my sexy boyfriend play. Things had been amazing since New York even though Louis had been gone with footie and I had been keeping myself occupied with work and helping Rowan and Julia do pre wedding stuff and even make plans for our future. Marking flats for us to look at for our future. 

The future which was so hazy now there was this clarity and joy. It was a lot of unspoken words but Louis had this look in his eyes and it filled my chest and there was something pushing him to take time for us. He would wake up early and make me tea and share in breakfast before practice. Or he would come on his break and bring me dinner or just sit in the coffee shop and do his homework and while I worked. 

Standing in the dorm I slipped on the t-shirt Louis had gotten me that was grey and had yellow and purple on it that said 'Columbia Soccer' and it had Louis's number on the back. While I wanted to show it off I slipped a flannel shirt on. Buttoning the sleeves I grabbed my bandana keeping my hair out of my face and grabbing my white converse slipping them on my feet and looked in the mirror. 

"Okay Styles you can do this." 

I was always nervous before a game. I knew that Stan was giving Louis shit at practice but he was benched at least until this game was done so I felt better. Taking Louis’s jean jacket off his bed and I slipped it on and made my way to the field. Checking for my billfold, mobile and dorm key and went on my way to meet up with Rowan, Niall and Julia. They were already on their way from her apartment to the field. Louis had been anxious about this game and I had packed him an extra few snacks and a dirty note to get him excited. The team was great and they were winning games and after Louis would get home god the sex was even better. I don't know if he has been googling stuff, or what but whatever he was doing I wasn't going to stop him. It was better than ever and there was love with it. True raw love and when we finished we would lay there and even in the silence there was words. Words that knew all the shit we faced was for this and we had what it takes to face the rest of our demons. 

The wind blew as the sun hung up in the sky as the blue sky turned the pink and orange hues as the night was soon going to engulf us all and Louis would walk out onto that field and created magic. Reaching the field I saw Rowan standing there her hair pulled off her face as she waved me down as her ring bounced off the setting sun. "Ready to see your boo thang be sexy?"

I laughed and shook my head at her. “Boo thang?” 

“Yeah all the hip people are saying it.” She said as all I could do was roll my eyes at her. “Hey you have to love football.” 

"Oh I do, but not for the sake of football but for the sake of seeing Louis’s ass in those white shorts.." I laughed as she pushed me and laughed handing me a ticket we headed on in. The crowd was cheering as the team warmed up. The bleachers squeezed as we headed up, sitting away from the intense fan section. Moving down a row we moved down and took our seats. We had claimed a bench unofficially as we all traveled in a herd to these games cheering on Louis when he needed it and even when it gave him a big ass head.

"How has Louis been?" Rowan asked me as I watched Stan out on the field. "Hey." She placed her hand on my knee. "What's wrong?" 

"I don't know. I got this weird feeling." I admitted to her as I tore my eyes away from the field. "You ever get that. Where you can't explain but you feel like something bad is going to happen."

Rowan nodded her head. 

"I'm sure it's nothing. Maybe it’s just game day nerves. Can a boyfriend get those?” I laughed nervously as I went to play with my hair but it was pushed back. I hated my nervous habits but they were hard to stop. 

Squeezing my knee she kissed my temple. "Yes I get the same feeling when Niall plays golf..” She tried to offer me as Julia laughed next to her. “What… he doesn’t play footie.” She told her as Julia nodded in agreement as she clapped and cheered as Louis flicked him off and his leprechaun laugh erupted and I knew it was going to be a good game night. 

The game started off like any other game. The team got the ball and they ran down the field as Louis scored a goal. The entire stadium erupted in cheers as I hugged Rowan as I cheered for my man. Louis pointed up at me and I gave him a thumbs up back. Sitting back down I knew I was being stupid for fearing the worst. I watched as Louis looked like poetry in motion on the soccer field. I saw the stress leave his body as he ran up and down. He was free fully himself and happy. Louis was a team player as I watched Stan squirm in his seat that he was on the sidelines. I’m glad that Coach kept to his deal and that he had benched Stan but it was only for this last game and then it was going to be back to him on the field and Louis’s life would be more hellish than it was with him at practice. 

“Your boy looks fine out there,” Niall said as I rolled my eyes and tried not to laugh for he was my boy. He did look fine. “I”m going to snacks anyone want any?” 

“Popcorn and a coco,” Julia said. 

“Water and a soft pretzel.” Rowan told him. 

“Coke.” I said as everyone looked at me. “What. I drink soda, I’m not some weird ass health freak.” 

“That’s my boy.” Niall said getting up and heading to the snack bar to get the goodies for us as we turned back to the game. 

I still had this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and it began to grow Calvin was tripped and walked off the field with a limp. I felt my heart stop and for a moment I prayed that they wouldn’t but I knew the coach and he wanted to win like any coach would he tapped Stan on the shoulder and he got up and headed out onto the field. 

“Breath.” Rowan said to me as I tried. Watching as Stan got out on the field and everything went to hell. Louis ran up and down the field but was never passed the ball. He stopped as he stood there as the rest of his team ran down the court and they never passed to him. I saw the coaching yelling and Louis was Louis and he kept on playing and running with his team until they second quarter ended and it was 12-12. 

“What is that shit?” I hissed as the cheerleaders came out and I watched Louis trying to hold his head high as they headed back into the locker room. I wanted to run down these bleachers and hop the fence and give him a hug. I wanted to kiss him and tell him that he would be okay and that this was just a game and that everything will work out and I then turn to Stan and punch his fucking face. Breaking his nose and then kneeing him in his balls and watching him not be able to play in the game. 

“It will be okay.” 

“It fucking better be.” I hissed. 

As the halftime game show went on I headed down the bleachers and made my way over to the locker room. The hallways was empty the grey painted brick seemed to just echo as I could hear the faint muffled sound of the coach’s voice as he spoke to the boys about their performance and the game and what needed to change and what needed to change and then he told the guys to take a breather before they got back out their. Leaning against the wall I waited as there was a rustling of players and the door opened opened and a sext man with brown hair popped his head out. Pushing my body off the wall the door shut as I took Louis’s hand and pulled him close to my body kissing him gently on the lips. “Hey baby.” I said whispering to him as I felt him relax in my arms. “You are playing great.” 

“No.” He said shaking his head. 

“Stop and you are. Don’t let Stan win. He is dick during practice and you block him out now you just need to block him out now in the game okay. Just be Louis an amazing man who make football look like poetry in motion.” I cupped his face and kissed him gently on the lips as his arms wrapped around my neck and he pressed his lips against mine again. “Now go out there and shake that fine ass for me.” I said slapping his ass as he flicked me off and headed back into the locker room and I made my way back out to the stadium. 

“Nice jacket.” 

I turned around and Louis had a smirk on his face. 

“Thanks its my hot boyfriends.” I smirked back waving as I pushing open the door and walked into the cool spring night. 

***

“Well that was a good game.” Niall said as we stood up and headed on down the bleachers. We had won but barely. My hands were shoved into the pockets of Louis’s jean jacket as I told everyone to wait for me as I headed out the field where Louis walked out onto the field his bag slung over his shoulder in one of my Green Bay Packers hoodie and his normal black adidas track pants and ratty blue trainers. 

“Hey.” I said as I looked around and hopped the fence as I walked over next to Louis. He said nothing as he kept walking and I saw a few other players walking past him. “Lou.” 

“It was shit.” Louis snarled at me as he looked up at me. “I was shit and when. I don’t want to talk about it.” He said as he held the strap on his bag. “I have a team meeting and I don’t want to talk now. Just go back to the dorm.” 

I placed my hand on his shoulder as Louis shrugged it off. Not this again. “Louis.” 

Louis shook his head as we walked over the green grass on the field. “Stop.” His face was still as he looked at me. “Go back to the dorm.” 

I stopped as Louis stopped and turned to me. “I’m not a bloody dog who gets told to sit and obey when the master wants me to. You had a bad game I get that and you can’t.” I stopped as Stan walked past us laughing as I gritted my teeth and balled my hands into a fist. “What do you want?” I asked him as he shrugged. 

“So you can speak. You two wearing each others clothes how homo.” She spat at me. 

“Go away.” Louis said as he didn’t fight too much as Stan’s laughed pierced my soul. I wanted to shove him, punch him, kick him. Put him in his place but I stood there like a good boy I am. 

“Whatever fags.” 

Closing my eyes I looked up at the black sky and knew I should bite my tongue but fuck it all. “Fuck off Stan.” 

He stopped as he looked at me. I stared at him in the eyes and stood my ground. “Fuck off.” I told him again. “I will see you back in the dorm.” I said to Louis as I kissed his cheek and he stood there. Biting my bottom lip I headed off the field and towards the dorm. My blood boiling from Stand. From Louis.From today. “Shit.” I hissed as I took the back of my hand and wiped away the tears that fell from my eyes. Why was it whenever something good happened to me and Louis a rainfall of shit happens on us. 

Swallowing back my anger I headed back into the dorm, dragged my body up the steps and entered back into the dorm. The door shut and I stood in the dark. It was easier this way. It was easier when we were removed from reality and where it was easy. My hand flipped the light on as I went to the bedroom toeing off my shoes I set them in the closet I hung up Louis’s jacket and crawled into our bed. I wasn’t sure if he would come home and sit on the couch or if he would get into bed with me. My eyes felt heavy as I laid in there silence hoping that he would come home and be okay. 

It felt as if I had been asleep for only a few minutes when the bed sunk in and I felt arms wrap around me and lips press against my neck. “I’m sorry.” His voice was a whisper and child like. “I was a dick.” 

“Yes.” 

“Stan got the best of me and the game and- I shouldn’t have acted like that or said those things and I was wrong. I’m sorry.” 

Turning around I looked at Louis, pushing his hair out of his eyes. “Shower.” 

“Harry.” 

Leaning forward I kissed him on his lips. “Shower.” 

I patted him on his knee as I crawled over him and jumped down off the bed and walked towards the door. Louis sat up and I saw his brow arch at me. “Shower?” 

“Shower and then we can have a cuppa and talk. We need to talk and it’s not a bad talk either Louis. I just - I want to talk.” I said as he jumped down off the bed. Walking over to me Louis wrapped his arms around my waist and I pressed my head against his chest. “I miss talking.” 

“I would like that to.” He said kissing me. “I’m sorry again Harry.” 

“I forgive you.” I explained kissing him back. “Now shower and if you go in the next 30 seconds I might join you. I need a shower as well.” I whispered into his ear as he kissed my neck and headed straight towards the shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. Today has been a horrible day and the only reason I got this chapter done was to get out all my anger and sadness that I'm dealing with. A good friend of mines father passed away today and the only way I know how to heal is through music and writing. I'm sorry if the editing sucks. or the chapter sucks I just didn't know how to cope with a lot today and it's sucked all around and I have to go to work tomorrow and I don't feel like doing much but I can't sit still either. 
> 
> Love you all  
> Thank you for reading and comments 
> 
> xo  
> Violet


	26. habits [h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _You were a risk, a mystery, and the most certain thing I'd ever known || Beau Taplin ('A Certainly')_

Birds. That was the first thing I heard as I woke up from my deep sleep. Opening my right eye, I could see the sun peeking through the closed blinds in the bedroom. It was Saturday and the world outside was awake and so was I. My alarm buzzed. Reaching over my head, I turned it off and rolled over to Louis' side of the bed. It was cold, which wasn't abnormal- he had workout with the team, work, and then practice; normal Saturday in out books what was odd was the crunching on his pillow. Opening up my eyes, I saw torn notebook paper lying on his pillow. Pushing my hair out of my face and sitting up, I took hold of the paper and read it over. 

_Harold,  
I wanted to say how sorry I am for my behavior yesterday. It was horrible and I feel like a fucking wanker. I appreciate you and everything you do for me so while you are the one always pampering me, I have made you lunch. It's in the fridge all ready for your shift at the coffee house. I also have breakfast for you, you just need to heat up the scones (I would have made tea but it would have been rotten when you woke up.) I also cleaned up the dorm (to your standards). I'm not trying to buy myself out of the hole I so nicely dug for myself but I wanted you to know I appreciate all you do for me and our partnership._

_I have a couple-hour break between work and practice so I'll be bothering your sexy arse at work (;_

_Love you_   
_Lou_

He was something else. Smiling, I folded the note and slipped down from the bed. I wasn't sure if he knew my standard of cleaning but he tried and that was what counted. My bare feet walked over the tile and I was shocked. He had cleaned. Like a true cleaning, which made me realize he was just a lazy arse and I was most definitely going to hold his lazy arse to a higher standard starting right now. Stretching, I felt my shirt rise as I leaned back and felt my back crack. My eyes glanced over and saw the bag which held my scones. 

"If there is one thing I know, it's that these had to be some ridiculously melt-in-your-mouth good kind of scones for Louis to deem them worthy of even being in our dorm. I had never met a man who was more particular about his scones than I was. Until Lou. Opening the paper bag, I could smell the blueberries and if I closed my eyes, I could almost picture myself back in Cheshire with my family. 

"He sure is sorry," I told myself as I saw a sticky note. 

**Enjoy. New milk is in the fridge - L**

Bending down, I opened the fridge and saw he had gotten a new carton of milk. Turning the kettle on,I grabbed the milk, the tea from the tin, and a clean mug. I had an hour till work and I was going to enjoy my breakfast which was something I never really enjoyed with me either running off to class or work. Luckily all that work required of me was to put on a pair of jeans, a school themed shirts and a pair of Louis’ trainers. My body was tired from spending most of last night talking with Louis. I refused to go to bed mad, or without at least talking, so I had him walk me through what was going on in his mind and we talked everything out. I loved the man, but he was stubborn. I understood now how his mind worked and I was going to keep that in mind going forward, before I said or did anything while he was around his teammates - especially Stan. 

As the kettle whistled, I pulled it off the stove and poured the water into my mug watching as the tea filled and mixed with the milk. I grabbed the scones, setting them on a plate and popping them into the microwave, heating them up for a few seconds just to get them warm like they were when Lou purchased them for me. 

"Spoon....." I mumbled to myself as I looked through the silverware and grabbed the only clean spoon. I used it to fish out the teabag, binning it, then giving my tea a stir. I headed over to the couch, setting the plate and cup down on the coffee and curling my body up in the cushions, enjoying the stillness. "You can do it Harry. You will see Lou at 2:30 and even get to spend some time with him. The coffee house isn't even that busy on Saturdays," I told himself, which was fact. Saturday was always more quiet; everyone was out and about. Sunday was the day that you'd have everyone packed in there doing homework before their Monday classes.

Biting into the second scone my mobile lit up with a text from Calvin. 

**Hey is there any way you would be able to watch Ruby while I'm at practice? I can bring her to the dorm or you can go out with her - Calvin**

**YESSS!! I'm done work at 3:30 you can bring her to the coffee house- Harry**

**Okay just don't run away with her. Lou told me you have a baby fetish- Calvin**

**I'm going to kill him - Harry**

**And I don't - Harry**

**I just like kids - Harry**

**Well if Ruby goes missing remember I will tell them you stole her - Calvin**

**Ha. Ha. -_- - Harry**

**Blame your boyfriend, he is the one who informed me of your ways lol. Thanks again Harry - Calvin**

**You might need a new captain on your footie team tomorrow and any time Calvin - Harry**

**We will find one no worries- Calvin**

Laughing, I set my phone down and finished up my breakfast. I was tempted to lick the crumbs off the plate but I needed to be somewhat civilized. I washed and dried the dished, setting them back in the shelves and in the drawer before heading back into the bedroom. Every inch of my body wanted to stay one with my jimjams and just have a lazy day. It felt that my life had been set in fast forward and I would climb into my bed at night with the entire day having been a bur. I shimmied out of Louis' Doncaster Rovers shirt I had used last night and tossed it into the hamper as I slowly slid on my black skinny jeans and a grey "Columbia College" shirt. While I wish it had more pzazz to it, I would live. 

"There you are," I said as I took Louis's black vans from the pile and set them on the bed. I grabbed a pair of my socks- today would be grey with alligators on them. I scooped up my rucksack with homework I could do when I had downtime, and grabbed my green jacket, which happened to be one of Lou's new favorite clothing items of mine to steal. Walking back into the living area, I took a seat in the chair, slipping my socks over my bare feet, and then Lou's shoes. I grabbed my mobile off the coffee table and slipped it into my front pocket as I got up and took my lunch from the fridge. He had doodled on the bag and scribbled my name- or the name he called me- on it. The paper bag crunched as I opened it up and looked inside. 

Sandwich (looked like it was Nutella)   
Cut-up banana   
Water bottle   
Cookies   
Crisps

Reaching in, I pulled out the napkin and felt my lips curving up and I couldn't stop them. 

_You are reading this before your lunch if I know you (and I do). Have a good day Hazza and know I love you. Make coffee and have a nice cup ready for me when I walk in. Or else. *insert me glaring at you*_   
_Love, your Tommo_

He was a wanker. But he was trying harder than he had been. He was sort of out of his comfort zone, but, at the same time, it came naturally to him. This wasn't the same Louis who thought grand gestures were the only way to show love; the Louis who had thought he's fucked up my birthday just because he hadn't flown me in a private jet to celebrate with the Queen of bloody England. Of course he was the same person, but he started learning ways to be romantic and care for me every day (putting in my favorite film, making me tea, listening to me complain about my day, giving me love bites which I loved so much. I believe that Louis was realizing that when you care for someone the romance just happens. Putting the napkin back into the bag I folded the top and set it in my rucksack before slipping my jacket on and my rucksack over my shoulder. I turned off all the lights, wiggling the door handle to make sure it was locked before shutting the door and heading down the hallway and toward the coffee house.

There were few people out in the halls. Most were still asleep in the dorms, although I did hear a few bodies up and about. Part of me thought I was missing out on the college experience by not going out and enjoying it the way those around me do, but then again, I get to come back home to Louis every night, and I see that as much more of a win than going out and getting pissed at a bar. 

As soon as I got out of the dorm, the spring air smelled of freshly mowed grass and the flowers that were planted around the campus. Color was seeping back into the campus, and it seemed to have had new life breathed into it. The campus was pulsing with students who had finally come out of hiding. The campus was no longer a vacant, barren, winter hell, but one filled with the hustle and bustle of life. Taking a deep breath in, I pushed back the sleepiness and headed on towards the coffee house. My black shoes looked out of place as I walked over the tan pavement the grass emerald green, the birds chirping. If I were in an animated film, I would be signing with a bird on my shoulder, about the seasons changing, and the birds, and squirrels, even the bugs would be singing along with me, and everyone I passed would know the dance moves and they'd join in

Just as I predicted the coffee house was empty for the most part. There were a few local who lived around the area enjoying a morning cup of coffee before the rush of Uni students filled it up. Pushing open the glass down I smiled as Ami stood behind the bar. We weren't exactly 'friends,' per se, as we never really hung out outside of work, but here, inside the coffee house, we've always kind of kept each other sane, making jokes to cheer each other up when a particularly rude customer came around, or just doing homework in companionable silence on days when we got no customers at all. Her long blonde hair was pulled back and in a baseball cap as she wore her normal skinny jeans with the required school shirt. “Hey Harry,” she said smiling, and her brown eyes grew wide as I walked around, setting my bag down by hers. “You look chipper, how was your night?” 

“Very good. Woke up to a clean dorm room and a lunch already made for me,” I told her as I took the apron, wrapping the strings around my waist two times before tying the ends in a neat bow. “Been busy?” 

“Oh yes, I managed to finish reading the chapter needed for my Modern China class and started to outline my paper when someone came and ordered coffee. So hard to make it, then I finally went back to my homework,” she joked as I decided to make myself a flat white. “You look chipper. Someone get morning sex?” 

I narrowed my eyes as Ami laughed, taking a seat. She opened her laptop and the screen lit up as she logged back in and pulled up her outline. “No he had an early workout and then work,” I admitted. “You would think he was dating footie and not me.” 

Ami pushed out her bottom lip, giving me puppy-dog eyes as she took her pointer finger and traced from her eye down her cheek as if she was crying. I rolled my eyes I cleaned off the machine and nursed my coffee. “At least he isn’t an ass like, well, the entire team.” 

“True,” I agreed with her, leaning against the counter. “He is coming by after work before he has practice to do homework, and I promised Calvin I would babysit for him while they have practice," I said, mentioning Calvin to observe Ami’s reaction. I watched as Ami moved in her seat. I had a guess that she fancied Calvin but never admitted it to me, or anyone. 

“He is coming here?” 

“Yes,” I said, arching a brow as she looked back at her laptop. “You know it’s not wrong to fancy him.” 

Ami's mouth opened a bit as she tried to protest but all that came out were odd sounds that reminded me of a cat being drowned in a bathtub. Leaving her to sort out her thoughts, I set my coffee on the counter as I smiled and decided to do the job I was getting paid for and waited at the person in line for coffee. My eyes gazed up at the clock to the left of me. 

9:37. 

Only 6 hours till Louis comes. 

***

"Does he normally pack your lunches?" Ami asked as she leaned against the wall and moved her hand in slow motion to stir up the ice tea lemonade she had made for herself. "I've seen Louis Tomlinson from afar for three years and all I've gotten is that he keeps to himself, plays footie, and is kind of a hermit," Ami explained as I shrugged. It was all true. 

"Yes but he isn't a hermit. More like a... well, a gypsy." 

Ami's blonde brow rose as her eyes squinted to see if I was lying. "That's an odd description of your boyfriend, but oddly enough I can see it." 

"I can put in a good word with Calvin," I told her as she went to take a sip of her ice tea drink and choked. The drink bubbled up in the cup as some spilt out of her mouth. "Not in a bad way. He isn't a man who won't date but he might not due to Ruby. Just don't feel the need to not fancy him."

"You saying 'fancy him' in your posh little accent doesn't make it sound any better," she argued, setting her glass down as she took her left hand and removed the cap from her head. "It's weird. I haven't told anyone this and so help me-" 

"I will tell no one," I interrupted, already knowing where she was going with this, and trying to spare myself a lecture.

"Not even your booty call of a boyfriend,” she pointed a finger at me as to make herself more authoritative. 

"He is a bit oblivious when it comes to that stuff, so you are in the clear," I joked. "Just talk to him and see what happens. You're an educated, talented woman who can make a smashing cup of coffee."

"Heeey, my tea isn't THAT bad," she grimaced, slapping my knee as I let out a laugh.

"You're American, I'll let it pass."

"Wow," she deadpanned back.

I flashed her a smile as she just shook her head at me. "It's in our blood to know how to swear and make tea. We are born and before we can talk or walk our bodies already know how to make a proper cuppa," I explained half joking, “seriously though, talk to him. Trust me, it will work."

"Thanks for the advice, I never realized that in order to get a guy to ask you out you had to talk to him," Ami sarcastically snapped at me. "I'm so awkward Harry, you know this when we first met I spilt milk on you. I'm not the one to smoothly speak to a guy that I," she stopped and held up her hands.Miming air quotes as she spoke. "Fancy. So I can smile from afar and speak when I have to." 

"Ami," I said, putting the rest of my uneaten food back in my bag. This was now a serious talk as I looked at her in the eyes. Yes, she was a bit awkward but so was Calvin. If she had more self confidence she would be running the college campus with the men she dated. "Don't let people and society tell you that you can't get anyone because of who you are. So you are awkward. The only reason Louis was nice to me in the first place is because I was so homesick I wasn't eating, and now look where we are You are an amazing person with wit and a heart of gold. Be confident and know that Calvin is just as awkward as you, in his own special ways." 

"You should charge by the hour," Ami joked as she bent down and wrapped her arms around my neck giving me a hug. "Louis does know how lucky he is right?" 

"I do," came Louis's voice. My body seemed to spring up from the chair as he smiled at me, nice and big. He was dressed in a Manchester United jersey, his rucksack slung on his back and his duffle packed with practice gear hanging from his shoulder. "Hi," he said. 

This had become our way of saying “I love you.” A simple “Hi”. It was stupid to most, but to us, the word meant a lot more than a hello. 

"Hi," I said back as Ami gave me a sideways look and shook her head at the two of us. "Grab a table. I'll make the tea," I told him as I opened up the cabinet and pulled out the Yorkshire tea he loved (I had taken to hiding a tin behind the counter just for him). I heated up the water - this place really needed to get a proper kettle, and soon -, and dropped the tea into the cups, adding milk and sugar to Louis', and milk to mine. I added the water and let the tea steep as I headed over to the table he had claimed as his own. I set the cups down and headed back to get my own rucksack as I clocked out and snuck a few of the cookies Louis loved so much, carrying them back over to the table. "How was work?" 

"Decent," he said, as I sat down across him him, "So you are watching Ruby?" he asked, and I was taken aback as I hadn't told him of my plans. But then I realized Calvin must have called or texted Louis. “Calvin called me to see if it was okay to ask you. I told him yes since you have this weird ability to calm a crying baby with only a smile.” 

I smiled as Louis glared at me. “Does my talent work on Louis' too, or just babies?" I asked playfully as he shook his head at me and tried not to laugh.

“How was the lunch?” 

“You know it was pretty good. The note was the best part,” I admitted as Louis looked up from his History book and I saw a child-like glee in his eyes. “Is there practice tomorrow?” 

Louis shook his head. “No, Coach is giving us the day off but I think Rowan’s parents want us all to come out for brunch or something. She said we have no choice and to be dressed in brunch clothes at 9, which is when she will be picking us up.” 

I laughed, cupping my tea in my hands and taking a sip. At least she didn’t give him an option or Louis would have said no and then gotten upset when I told him when I told her yes. “So I might take Ruby to get some dinner possibly at Ro’s and then bring her to the end of the practice if that is okay?” I asked him. I had learned to ask before just showing up so Louis knew and he could prepare for the slurs Stan would throw at him. 

“Perfect,” he told me as my body froze as he looked up at me and shrugged. “What?” He asked pushing the fringe out of his eyes. His eyes narrowed as his mouth seemed to bunch together as if he was thinking to hard. “What?” 

“Nothing,” I admitted to him as he sat back in his chair. “Your mum texted me asking when we think we will be in Doncaster.” 

“Why not me?” 

“You haven’t replied back.” I informed him, opening up my laptop to get a few more lines written for the screenplay class I was taking. “I told her that we would talk about it Sunday and then send out an email to her and my mum outlining the details so they will know that our plans are and if we are adding travel days to go to other parts of Europe, or what not.” 

Louis nodded. “Greece,” he said, not looking up from the book he was highlighting. “We could get a small flat and have a week on the beach. I'll get brown as a nut, and we can just enjoy the food, the sand, and each other.” 

I wasn’t sure if I was going into cardiac arrest or not. London was a big step, and so was going back to his hometown to -well - show me off to everyone, and then doing the same in Cheshire. But Greece was, well... Greece it was like several big leaps at once. I longed for holidays like this; laying together on the beach as Louis played with a football; tangled up in sheets as the cool ocean air breezes in through the open window; our pale English skin growing brow, Louis' features deepening and making him even more handsome than he is; shopping at crowded markets; just getting away from the world... I thought about it almost every day in class but I kept the thoughts to myself. I thought about it almost every day in class but I kept the thoughts to myself. Louis had to work up to a lot of aspects of our relationship, and while some things took long, other concepts he would want to jump right in and go all out. It was all or nothing.

“Greece sounds brilliant to me darling,” I finally said, imagining him in his swimming costume, and remembering that I had my yellow shorts I hadn’t used since my holiday with my family in Spain a few years back. 

“Good,” Louis said. I knew he was elated about that idea of traveling together, but we were in public, where he tended to keep his emotions to himself. "We can go someplace else." 

Reaching across the table, I took his hand and gave it three squeezes. "Greece is brilliant idea and I honestly want to go anywhere and everywhere with you love. Greece will just be the start." Louis squeezed my hand back four times as we both let it go and went back to our school work. 

We sat there nursing our teas and doing our school work for a while before I heard Ami greet someone and I knew that it had to be Calvin. I looked up he was pushing the buggy with Ruby, she was bundled up, a beanie covering her blonde hair, with a little jean jacket on and a blanket over her lap. She smiled and I melted. As much as Louis mocked me, I did love kids and would definitely be the stay-at-home father who just spent everyday with them. I would be over-the-moon happy with that life. 

“Thanks again Harry, this is a massive help for me and my mom,” Calvin told me as he took a seat, and I couldn’t help but get Ruby out of the buggy and into my lap. She was two, and while she had started walking and talking, could still be held without wanting to get up and walk everywhere. She was easy to entertain.

“No worries, I’m glad to spend my evening with the most beautiful young woman I know,” I said as Ruby smiled up at me. 

“Harry,” Ruby gurgled up at me from my lap, poking a tiny finger into my nose. 

“And brilliant too,"I said as she laughed. I shut my laptop and slipped it back into my rucksack before anything got accidentally deleted by little hands. “I was going to bring her to Rowan’s for dinner if that is okay with you and then we will be back to watch the tail end of practice.” I told Calvin my plays as Ruby looked at me and I wanted to just keep her forever. “Or we can eat icky campus food.” 

Ruby made a face by scrunching up her nose and shook her head. I laughed as her hat slid off. “Good food.” 

I kissed her nose. “Then it is settled; we get good food while dad goes and plays footie with Mr. Louis,” I told her as Calvin reached over and took her while Louis packed up his things. They had to make it to the stadium with enough time to change before practice, and I had a decent walk to Rowan’s ahead of me, which I was actually looking forward to after being cramped in a building on such a beautiful spring day. “Oh Calvin, if you get a chance, you should talk to Ami,” I told him as I stood up, slipping my jacket on and then putting my rucksack under the buggy. 

Calvin tried to look confused, but he knew exactly what I was talking about. “Get a water or something to-go,” I told him as I took Ruby, strapping her into the buggy and pulling the blanket over her lap as Louis and I headed out to give him some space. I flashed a thumbs up to Ami as she shook her head at me. Louis held the door open as I pushed Ruby out and waited. 

The sun was beginning to set and the sky was blue with a mixture of yellows, oranges and pinks brushed through the clouds over our heads. “I will bring some leftovers home for you,” I promised Louis as he smiled and looked through the door at Calvin laughed and flirted. He was just as bad as Ami but it worked for them. Clearing his throat, Louis looked up at the sky as the glass door opened and Calvin walked out with a water in his hand. 

“Okay, practice?” Calvin asked Louis and he nodded his head. He took one step before turning and walking towards me. He walked over, stood on his tip toes and kissed me on the lips. My hands laid on his hips as I took it all in. He had smoked on his walk over here, but I had grown to love the smell (though I would never tell him this or he would never try and quit). He had traces of tea still on his lips, and I could smell the Chipotle he had for lunch. “I love you,” he whispered so softly that I would be the only one to hear him. He slapped my ass, ending the romantic moment of PDA. In return, I reached out one of my long arms and poked his side as he jerked away. “See you in a few hours, love.” 

Ruby and I waved goodbye as we headed the opposite direction to Rowan’s flat. I had told Rowan I was coming for dinner and she had set a place for me and Ruby. I had declined the ride she had offered when I accepted her dinner offer. I was glad that I did, my head was still spinning from Louis and his talk of the holiday in Greece. New York had been a tipping point for him in a good way. He was himself, fully, no facade, no preconceived ideas about him (or us). Free. Fully free from the eyes of those on the University campus, the whispers and most of all free from Stan. He had been affectionate in public, kissed me (hell the man would have shagged me in the back of a taxi if I hadn’t stopped him). We were just us. There was something so freeing about seeing Louis happy and carefree. It was nice to know that he could be free after years of not knowing who he was, let alone how he could show it.

“What do you think, Ruby?” I asked as she tilted her head back and looked up at me. “Do you think I should go on holiday with Mr. Louis to Greece? Is it odd I’m thinking that I could marry this man who I’ve only known for,” pausing I counted and stopped there in the street. “Nine months. Is that right?” I asked, talking to myself. “August, September, October, November, December, January, February, March.. April. Shit.” I looked down. “Don’t repeat that word,” I told Ruby as she giggled at me and I knew I was going to have to tell Calvin where she learned that word.

Walking through the city landscape, the building towered over us as Ruby and I blended into the sea of people during rush hour, the sidewalks, streets, trains and bus all full of people coming and going giving the city it's steady rhythmic heartbeat. 

“I mean, I love him, and it’s silly but it doesn’t seem silly to me. It always just… felt right, straight from day one, which is what scared me even more,” I confessed to the two year old. “I am just overthinking this all, like I do with about hundred percent of my life.” Pausing, I broke free of the flow of commuters and turned down the street to Rowan’s flat. “But it’s right, so right, Ruby, and one day when you are older you will have this feeling and, well, use protection, but don’t let this feeling go. It’s the best high you could have and the best drug to be addicted to, well, love,I’m just being silly,” I admitted to her as we walked down the street lined with the street lined trees whose leaves were the brightest of greens, their flower buds in full bloom. 

“Silly Harry,” she laughed back at me reaching out to catch a flower that was falling from the tree above her head as we walked. The wheels of the buggy seemed to be hitting every bump in the pavement, causing Ruby to laugh and cry out as if she were on a roller coaster. 

“Silly Harry indeed,” I agreed. “Now Ruby what we talked about it just between me and you. I don’t want to bring it up to Rowan until Louis does. He is a bit odd when it comes to sharing travel plans,” I explained, opening up the gate and pulling the buggy through. I unbuckled her from her seat, and grabbed my rucksack and diaper bag from the bottom of the buggy. I quickly folded it up, throwing the diaper bag and my own bag over my shoulder and held onto Ruby’s hand as she lead the way up the steps. I followed close behind, lugging the buggy behind me. “Ro Ro!” Ruby yelled as the glass door opened and Rowan walked out. Rowan scooped her up, holding the door open for me as I left the buggy in the entryway and followed Rowan and Ruby up the steps to the flat.

***

“Thank you again,” I told Rowan as Ruby took my hand and motioned to head to the field. 

“Make sure he behaves, Ruby,” Rowan yelled out of the open car window as Ruby turned,her face scrunching up as she flashed Rowan the biggest smile and a thumbs up. I waved to Rowan as Ruby called out a goodbye before grabbing my coat to head out to her dad's footie practice. I scooped her up and set her in the seat in the buggy, making my way to the bleachers. It was nice enough for them to practice out in the field and not in the hot and run-down field house. I parked the buggy on the side of the bleachers before I gave Ruby the okay to take off towards the the field, her little legs trying to climb up without my help. We made it up to about the fourth row, sliding over into the middle where we had a good view of her father and I had a nice view of Louis and his arse in those shorts. Once we found the perfect spot, I sat down and plopped Ruby on my knee, pointing out her father as he ran down the field with Louis, who was dribbling the ball expertly with his feet. The sun had gone down and the lights on the field were on. It was as if we were watching a private match. I saw the coach yelling at them, and Stan turned and looked at me.

I saw his eyes scan over me, then Ruby, as a smile appeared on his face. It wasn't a kind smile; it was the sort of smile you see villains in movies put on before they do something very bad, or hurt the hero. I kept my eyes on the field and cheered with Ruby as Calvin scored a goal just before Coach blew his whistle signaling the end of practice. The boys all headed to the showers while Calvin and Louis stayed behind to collect the balls left on the field.

Ruby slid off my leg and reached up for my hand. I stood up, taking it as her way of letting me know she wanted to go down to the field, which was fine with me. Her hand held my index and pointer finger as we walked slowly down the steps of the metal bleachers toward the field. While one of my eyes was on her, the other was on the field, where Stan still lingered with his sidekicks, Drew and Nathaniel. 

“Rogers, heads up!” Stan yelled as he took a running start and kicked the football on the field with his toe. But he wasn’t aiming at Calvin. No, my entire body froze as I watched the ball (in slow motion nonetheless) soar in the air and soar in the air and make impact with Louis' leg, causing his knee to bend back, and him to crash to the ground in pain. 

“Fuck!” he yelled as he doubled over onto the field, landing on his hip. “Shit. Fooking hell. Jesus fucking Christ!” he cried out as he rocked back and forth in pain on the field. My body snapped into fight mode. I scooped Ruby up in my arms as I ran down the rest of the steps. My arms reached over the fence and I set her down on the track that surrounded the field. Without even thinking, I jumped the fence. As soon as my feet hit the ground, my legs took off running. I didn’t even think about it, I just began to run. I wasn't sure who I was running to. I could reach Stan and punch him, breaking his nose and face, but my body turned in the direction of my Louis who was telling people to get the fuck away as he bit down on his bottom lip in pain. My heart was racing and I could hear in in my ears as I reached Louis and dropped down next to his body. 

"Can you move it?" I asked as Louis buried his head into my shoulder. "Breathe." I knew this wasn’t going to do any good so I switched over to French. "Louis écoutes-moi, tout ira bien. On ira à l'hôpital," (Louis listen to me, you will be okay. We will go to the hospital) I told him as I felt a hand pulling me away. 

"Come to rescue the baby?" Stan asked, talking to me as if I was a child. Laughing, he kicked the last football over to the side where the rest of them laid. "Get off the field, fag." 

"Harry, non!" (Harry, no!) Louis yelled at me as I got up and stood toe to toe with Stan. "Harold," he pleaded with me. The blood in my body was boiling and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to hold true to my peaceful way of dealing with dumb fucks like Stan. 

"Yeah Harold," he mocked Louis as he shoved me while I held my ground with him. I had dealt with my fair share of bullies; Stan was at the bottom of the list. He was just a small man trying to make himself feel better. "What,” he snarled at me. “You all peace and love, you fucking hippie?"

"You're a sad man who lives in this idea that if someone is different they are wrong. I hope that one day your kid will ask _you_ about the gay rights movement and you can tell them what side of history you stood on. That you were not different than the white men and women down south who didn't want equality for the African Americans. No different than the Nazis and Hitler. That you were so afraid of change you had to hate everyone around you," I told him calmly. "I could fight you but then I would be lowering myself down to your pathetic excuse of a human existence and I'm better than that." 

Stan laughed. He looked me in my eyes and began to laugh as everyone on the field was silent. His laugh echoed in the stadium and it was the kind that would make your gut tremble with fear. He mocked me as I stood there, poking me and mimicking what I had said. "God you are a fucking idiot," he laughed as he shoved me and I stumbled a bit. "You know you have ruined Louis. He can never play soccer again if they know he likes it up the ass. You ruined him and now when you are done, you can let him rot. Isn't that what you do; move on to the next sexy man that walks past?" 

I felt my hands forming into fists as I stood there, my blood boiling as I looked at the rat that stood in front of me. I could punch him. Punch him for attacking Louis. Punch him for calling me names. Punch him for fucking up Louis's knee. 

"Il n'en vaut pas la peine. Crois-moi, Hazza. Il ne mérite ni ton temps, ni tes efforts,"(He isn't worth it. Trust me, Hazza. He's worth neither your time nor your effort) Louis said. My head turned to Louis, as he sat there holding his knee. "Laisse-le être un con. Ça ne vaut pas la peine." (Just let him be a wanker. It's not worth it).

He was right. I knew this deep down but I wanted to put him in his place. But what good would hitting him do? Nothing. He would use it against me and hurt Louis even more. "Sod off," I told him,turning back to Louis. As I did,I felt two hands shove me so hard I fell knees-first onto the ground. 

"Don't act surprised. I thought you would be use to being on your knees," Stan laughed as I closed my eyes and counted to ten. "What's the matter, pretty boy. Am I too hot to punch?"

Ignoring him, I tried to get up, but he pushed me down again. 

"What, you going to ignore me now?" he asked as I felt him getting closer, but before he could hit or kick me, I heard an air horn echo through the stadium. I closed my eyes harder, praying to whoever would listen that this was real and that someone had come to stop him. 

"Stan, office, now!" Coach yelled, and that was all I needed. "You as well, minions," he said, referring to Drew and Nathaniel. I caught my breath and turned to Louis who smiled, but I saw his knee was swelling and he wanted to get up but was afraid to. There was a panic in his eyes and, in my heart, I knew he was worried that if his knee was shot, then he was done with footie. 

"Can you walk?" I asked, taking a pause on my own fears and focusing on Louis, trying to be strong for him. 

"I don't know," Louis said, his words broken as he held back the tears. I pushed myself up off the grass and walked back over to him. Bending down, I wrapped his arm around my shoulder and helped him stand up. "A&E?"

"Yes, we are going to the A&E," I informed him as we walked slowly to the bleachers. My eyes looked up to where Calvin stood with Ruby. He had been the one to get Coach as everyone stood paralyzed with fear. 

"Want me to call Rowan and have her drive us?"

Louis nodded as I set him down on a bench the players sat on. He closed his eyes and shivered a bit as I sat next to him, pulling out my mobile and calling Rowan. I slid my jacket off and I wrapped it around his body before he rested his head on my shoulder. 

"Hey Rowan, can we use you as a taxi service? The A&E. Ruby is fine, it's Lou. Just his knee. No, don't freak," I told her, but I was too late; she was being the best friend/sister and having the necessary panic attack. "He is okay, just get here as soon as possible. No, it's just a bad sprain but he wants it to be looked at. Ice is good. Thanks." I ended the call Louis opened his eyes at me. "She is coming."

"With Niall and Jules?"

"Niall has a class till 10 so just Jules and me," I laughed. "Where is your bag?" I asked him as he pointed towards the locker room. I still had to get my rucksack out of the buggy, grab Louis' bag, and get him to the car. 

"Bookbag and all of Lou's shit," Calvin said, setting the bags at my feet as I noticed Ruby was once again buckled in her buggy. "Ruby wants to give your knee a get-well kiss." 

Louis lifted his head, his face soft as Calvin unbuckled his daughter and she walked carefully over to Louis. Leaning forward, she kissed his knee, her eyes tilted up to him. "All better now." 

"Much better. Thank you angel," Louis said, smiling at her as she ran back to her buggy and climbed in.

Ian (a new member of the team playing second-string) came out with a bag of ice."I got some ice," Ian said, handing the ice to Louis who thanked him before placing it on his swollen knee. Louis kept his head on my shoulder as I wrapped my arm around the small of his back and tapped on his hip three times, using our secret signal to say that I love him. 

Calvin buckled Ruby back into her buggy and helped me carry Louis's things as I got him to stand up and hobble to the front of the field house, where I was grateful Rowan was already waiting in her famous blue car. "If there is anything I can do, please let me know," Calvin said as the boot opened and he set Louis's rucksack and gym bag in the back. I shrugged off mine and handed it to Calvin before I got Louis into the backseat of the car. 

"Thanks," I said to him as I walked around to the other side. "Be safe walking to your car," I told him getting in. As soon as I sat down on the grey cloth Louis, laid his head in my lap and Rowan put the car into gear. 

"Tout ira bien," (Everything will be fine) I promised Louis, running my hands up and down his back. "Tout ira bien."

***

Four hours and twenty eight minutes later, we were finally home. The swelling has gone down. X-Rays had been taken. No bones broken, but his knee was sprained. He would be out of practice for three weeks and four games. He now sported a very bulky and oh-so-sexy knee brace for the first two weeks and then he could switch to an ace bandage wrap after. 

"No crutches, so that’s a plus," I said, dropping our bags on the couch as Louis huffed and walked towards the bedroom. The dorm was dark but it was so late there was no need to turn on the lights. Darkness was welcomed after the bright florescent lights of the A&E. "Tea? Dinner?" I offered him, but he kept walking. 

Louis just shook his head as he stopped, leaning against the doorframe leading to the bedroom. "Bed," he said and looked back at me. I took the leftovers from Rowan and tossed them into the fridge before dragging my tired body to the bedroom with Louis. Louis stood there as I found his pajamas on the floor, setting them on the bed. I helped him slip out of his shorts and shirt, tossing both in the hamper as Louis put his pajama shirt on and took off the brace, slowly slipping his red plaid pajama bottoms on too.I knelt down and wrapped the brace back around his knee for him. I grabbed the step stool we had in the room (Louis used it to put crap on top of the bedroom closet, even though he assured me he was 5'9 but this was just easier). I held his hand as he used my body to push himself up onto the bed. Scooting back on his ass, he lay down with a huff. I kicked the stool back into the corner as I grabbed the extra pillows off my bed. I slipped the two under his knee to keep his leg elevated.

As soon as Louis was settled, I peeled off my own clothes, tossing all items into the hamper before slipping the same Rovers shirt onto my body then grabbing the blanket off my bed for Louis to use. Pulling the duvet back I jumped up into bed and slid under the covers, my body decompressing from the stress of the day as soon as my head hit the pillow. 

"I'm sorry about how I acted," I admitted, replaying the moment I was about to punch Stan in the face. Part of me wished I had, still, while the other was glad I hadn't. 

"It was kind of sexy, seeing you like that. Not the whole going-to-kill-him thing, just... No one has ever had that look in their eye for me. No one has ever protected me like that. You didn't care who was around... you saw I was hurt, and wanted to help."

I swallowed and pushed the lump in my throat away as I took Louis's hand and gave it a squeeze. "I love you, and when you are hurt, so am I. Stan - he is an ass, and he deserves to rot in the deepest layer of hell."

"We could always make a voodoo doll. I've seen enough Supernatural to make a decent one," Louis chuckled as I felt a laugh escape my own lips. "I'm sorry he came after you." 

"He will lash out at anyone. I am sorry that he will have to face Rowan tomorrow. I've never seen her so upset or swearing as much as she did in the room." 

Louis laughed and my chest and heart felt lighter. "She will put him in his place. She might even kill him at this point, who knows," Louis joked before pausing for a moment, his tone changing. "I should have gone to the police."

"Stop," I told him, cutting him off before he could go down ' the should-have-would-have' road. Pity wasn't going to help us now. 

"I mean it, then he wouldn't have."

Sitting up, I placed a finger on Louis's lips. "We can't think about the what-if's. We move on, and if Stan doesn't change this time, we go to the Dean. Now sleep; we have the brunch tomorrow and, even as a gimp, you're still going." Bending down, I kissed Louis gently on the lips. "I love you." 

I laid back down and Louis rested his head on my shoulder as the silence swallowed us into the darkness My body was exhausted but my mind wouldn't stop thinking. 

"You didn't ruin my future," Louis said, breaking the silence. "You made it worth living." He took his fingers and tapped three times on my arm. 

_I.love.you._

"I love you too," I said, my voice hoarse as a tear escaped from my eye and fell down my cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long but we are coming to an end and I want to make sure that I'm taking just as much time with the final chapters as I did for the rest of the story. Thank you for all who have made this fic to almost 2000 hits. Like HOLY CRAP ON A CRACKER! *hugs to all* 
> 
> I want to thank my amazing, outstanding, patient and hands down best beta in the entire world. Legit love ya *kisses*. 
> 
> I have a busy week coming up with work and then going out of town but I will be working on the final few chapters when I can between my hours of sleep and work. I also have been having mental breakdowns with the boys literally being 45 minutes away from me in Chicago, they stress me out so much it's actually unhealthy I think but thus is the life of a fangirl. 
> 
> I love each and every one of you beautiful readers and thank you again for your comments and kudos. You all make it fun to write. *kisses* 
> 
> Hope that you enjoyed 
> 
> XO  
> Vi


	27. aftershock [l.t]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I'm so afraid of losing something I love that I refuse to love anything... || Jonathan Safran Foer_

It was safe to say that my senioritis had kicked in. While the countdown to graduation was looming over my head, I had a list a mile long of things to get done, from finishing up the three papers for my classes, packing up the dorm, finding a flat for Harry and I, and finalizing the holiday plans to Greece (I decided we were going to Mykonos). Then to top it all off, I was still on the bench due to my bloody knee when the scouts were coming to the games and taking note of the senior players. I love footie and, when I was a child, I had a pipe dream of playing professionally. While that dream was still in me, over the past several months, other dreams began to surface for my future, and they all involved Harry being right by my side. I carried the ring from Tiffany's with me every day. It was a reminder of the man I was and the man I wanted to be for Harry and myself. It caused me to always try a bit harder in the relationship and, on my shittiest days, it was the beacon of hope that,when uni was done, I’d have my anchor in my life, still.

Sadly, none of that mattered of I didn't finish this goddamn paper. It was meant to be  five to seven pages but all I had gotten on the page so far was;

**Title Goes Here**

By:  
Louis Tomlinson

I huffed internally as I sat in the library. I was finally mobile with a wrap on my knee, and while it still hur,t I needed out of the dorm. Harry was also binge-watching all these weird German films for a class and, well, to be frank, him sitting in front of the telly in pants, a pair of wool socks, and one of my t-shirts, his brown curls pulled back with this weird bandana thing he was now slightly obsessed with, was a massive distraction to me. So my answer was, the library. Not that it was much better, with all the silent distractions with no one to keep me on track with my, well - lack of writing.

_This is the last paper you will ever have to write, Tomlinson, so get that stick outta your ass and write. The paper can be complete shite and you will still pass the class with a B, and that isn't too shabby given you don't give a flying fuck about Colonial American History,_ I told myself as my hands hovered over the keys of my Mac.

"Fuck it," I hissed under my breath, shutting my Mac and haphazardly stuffing my belonging into my rucksack. New plan: I would get some coffee, and then maybe change locations to help me write. I gathered up the notes, shoving them into a folder before I tossed the folder into my rucksack, along with some loose papers, some rubbish, and other miscellaneous items. I pushed back from the table, standing up, and stopped in my tracks as a sophomore stood in front of me.

He had this smile plastered on his face like it was painted there. My eyes scanned him up and down, and he looked like an extra from the film Newsies had raided Niall's closet and stolen one of his many ridiculous hats (the ones Niall always insisted were "cool," but that, in reality, were far from it).

“Hello,” a cheery voice rang out from the body of the person in front of me.

“Hello….” I said, cautious of how much I spoke, in case he he decided to follow me around like a lost puppy.

“I’m Hubert and I am on the school paper. I’m a sophomore,” he said, he looked alarmingly eager, like he was going to uncover the next big news-story any moment now and had to be ready to sprint back to his typewriter to type and publish it before anyone else could gets their hands on it. “I was wondering if it would be alright to do an interview with you,” he asked as I slung my rucksack onto my back and walked slowly out of the library, Humphrey, or whatever his name was, falling in step with me. “I was going to highlight your soccer - er sorry - football career with the school.”

This had to be a nightmare or a sick twisted prank Rowan was playing on me. “I’m currently on the bench due to an injury,” I explained, pushing the doors to the library open and heading out into the sunny spring afternoon. “Why not interview Calvin, or Olli, or someone who is playing,” I tried to hint nicely, but I’m sure it came off as me being a dick.

Henry shook his head at me. “No, I want to look at it from your eyes, to see what it’s like to be a homosexual in the sports world, and whether you see yourself as a pioneer for the sport or not.”

I stopped in my tracks. “You are fucking kidding right?” I snorted, but looking at his face, I feared the words that were going to come out his mouth.

“Nope,” he said as he held a tape recorder in my face. “You are a soccer player with a 3.5 GPA and are dating the newest hottie on campus?”

I pushed the recorder out of my face before turning on my heels and walking towards the coffee shop. I could hear the ridiculous-looking oxford shoes Harvey (was that his name?) was wearing clicking on the pavement as he jogged to catch up to me.

“You are dating Harry Styles, correct?” he asked me while I tried my best to walk fast, but my knee wasn’t going to allow me to, so I was stuck with junior Joseph Pulitzer talking my ear off.

“Why do you care?” I asked him, annoyed, and this time I hoped that he understood that I wanted him gone. Hell, I wanted him gone the moment his tacky ass appeared out of nowhere, blocking my exit out of the library. “Why does anyone care?”

“So is that an ‘it’s complicated’?” he questioned as he pulled out a little notebook and scribbled in it.

I huffed, stopping in the front of the coffee house. “It’s a ‘don’t write an article about me because my relationship is none of your fucking business and please for the love of all that is holy in the world leave me alone.’ If you want a story, Harris-”

“Hubert.”

“Yeah, Hubert, then go and talk to someone else. It’s not me you want, and if you do print anything about me that isn't 'Team Captain is Benched Due to Horrible Knee Injury But Team Still Looking Good to Go to State,' then I better not be in that bloody paper of yours.”

I turned, heading towards the coffee shop, listening to make sure I didn’t hear Hubert following me. As I reached for the door. Hubert's voice called out after me; "You know a lot of people look up to you Louis, don’t be a dick about it.”

“I’m not someone to look up to, Hubert. “Sorry, you have the wrong man,” I informed him, turning my head and giving him a fake but believable smile. “Find another hero.” I walked into the coffee house and got in line to get a basic black coffee. Something about the conversation had thrown me off, and I had already scratched the idea of trying to work on my paper. I would just head to the stadium and attend practice, even though I was only allowed to do the warm ups. My mind was focused on my coffee, and it was playing back the conversation with Hubert frame by frame when I walked out of the coffee house and almost immediately ran into someone wearing gold boots.

“Oops," said gold-boots, who had so rudely bumped into me. But I looked up, and Harry was smiling back at me. "Hi."

“Hi,” I stuttered, upset that my coffee was half on the ground now.

“I went to find you in the library but you weren't in your usual spot so I came to.. get coffee…” Harry trailed off, a worried look on his face. “You alright, darling?”

I nodded, setting the cup on the table and shaking some spilled coffee off my hand before rubbing it on my jeans. “I have to get to practice,” I lied - I hadn’t been to practice since the accident or since Stan was put on probation.

Harry reached his arm out and took my hand, giving it three squeezes. I forced a smile but he was Harry and knew when I was being fake. I gave three gentle squeezes back before I picked up my coffee up and hurried past him. I didn’t want to talk about what happened. I didn’t want him to get all Harry and tell me it was okay and then say it was up to me and that I was a hero. I wasn’t, and I didn’t need people like Hubert - or anyone, for that matter - painting me in this light.

I drank what was left of my coffee as I made my way across the campus to the field house. I still wasn’t sure whether I’d change into my kit, or if I would even end up going to practice at all. Coach had come around, pulling me out of a class to have a sit-down with me last week, which was thoughtful of him to do. But I knew my chances of having a career in footie were pretty much nonexistent now, and I just wanted to get back on the field and be able to play if we made it to State.

“Tommo is back!” Ian called out as I flashed him a weak smile heading through the locker room to Coach’s office. A few guys patted me on the back as I mumbled a few ‘ta’s and ‘cheer’s in acknowledgement. Sadly, there was no part of me that wanted to be here. Some captain I was. I knocked on Coach’s door and he lifted his head slightly, motioning for me to come in.

“Shut the door, son,” he told me, his smile genuine but his eyes sad. I shut the wooden door before taking a seat in the chair that sat in front of his wooden desk. “How is the knee?”

“Good,” I told him, rubbing it unconsciously through my black adidas joggers. There was still a dull throbbing pain when I over-worked it, and I feared I had, with all the walking I had done today.

“Good,” he said, folding his hands and placing them on his desk. “Now, how are you?” His tone changed and I knew this wasn’t a question I could just say ‘fine’ to. I took a deep breath in and shrugged. I wasn’t sure how to answer his question; I was fine physically now and my knee was healing like it should. It was inside that there was something off and I didn’t know how to describe it. I wasn’t mad at the world, nor was I depressed - I was just off. Nothing I did seemed to be right, and when I looked at Harry, part of me knew that I was causing him more pain than I was worth. “Louis.”

“I’m stressed,” I lied. I was good at lying about my emotions and Coach took it. “With finals and the State game both coming up, and having to worry about work and my knee, there is just a lot on my plate and I’m trying not to lose my head.”

He nodded his head and smiled at me. “I understand. It’s good to have you back. Now I still have to keep you on the bench for another week, so you can help me plan for our upcoming games while they run drills.”

“Ta,” I replied standing up off the chair as Coach got up from behind his desk. I followed him out of his office and towards the field as the rest of the team finished suiting up for practice. I felt like I was an animal in a zoo the way that I was being watched and talked about in hushed murmurs as I made my way through the lockers and towards the field.

“Is your boyfriend here to make sure you don’t get hurt again?” Drew cackled at me as I walked past him and Nathaniel. “Since little Louis needs a bodyguard.”

“It’s so cute. You aren’t even man enough to protect yourself,” Nathaniel said as he elbowed me. I bit my tongue and kept walking, keeping my head held high as a few more players whispered to each other. I felt the eyes on me, knew the whispers were about me. Stan had used Drew and Nathaniel to influence the player’s opinions of me. I was a walking plague now - if you touched Louis, he would make you gay.

I could feel a panic attack coming on. Before I made it out to the field, I turned and walked out of the room as fast as my leg would let me. I could hear a few teammates laughing as someone yelled, “Good, we need a captain who _has_ balls, not one who _likes_ them! ” My feet moved as fast as they would go as I shoved the locker room door open and kept walking. I wanted to run, run and just get away from it all. I shoved my hand into the pocket of my jean jacket and found the last cigarette I had and my lighter.I pulled them out, slipping the end of the smoke between my lips as I cupped the end of the cigarette to protect it from the wind and pushed down on the lighter. I watched the flame light up the end and took a long drag. Exhaling, I watched the smoke fill the space around me and I put the lighter back into my pocket as my feet made their way back to the dorm. I wasn’t sure whether Harry was back or not. I needed to sit in silence and just _be_.. I needed to be away from everyone and everything.

_“I’m done with footie. I will just email Coach and say that I’m done. Look at yourself Tomlinson, you are just like your dead-beat father. When shit happens, you pack up and leave,”_ I told myself, taking another drag. But it was easy, and by walking away, i’d give the team what they want, Calvin would have better chances of being scouter, and I would just go back to being the recluse I was. Maybe I wouldn’t even need to show my face until graduation. Wouldn’t that be nice.

Reaching the dorm I dropped the smoke on the pavement and put it out with the heel of my white converse high-tops. I scanned my ID, opening the door and taking the lift up a few floors. I knew I was going to need to ice my knee, hell, maybe even nap. That was Rowan’s trick; when she was too stressed she just took a nap. I took the key out of my back pocket and unlocked the door to me and Harry’s dorm room and heading in.

Harry was back on the couch, watching some movie with a cookie and coffee from the coffee house “Hey love,” he said, smiling as he turned his head around and looked at me. “No practice?”

“No,” I replied bluntly, walking towards the bedroom.

Harry leaned forward, paused the film and turned his body to me as I stood in the doorway to the bedroom. “Lou, what is going on?” he asked, and I knew he meant well, but I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to do nothing.

“Nothing,” I said, walking into the bedroom and shutting the door. I dropped my rucksack by the door and used the step stool to climb into bed, when I lay face down in the pillow, closed my eyes, and tried to get my mind off the day. I welcomed the silence. Or the shor, precious few seconds of it that I got - before I knew it, the telly was back on and I could hear the muffled sounds of people talking German. Of all the languages, Harry had to pick fucking German. The films were boring and the characters sounded pissed off, which translated to me feeling pissed off.

_“Close your eyes. Count to ten. Go to sleep,”_ I told myself, turning my face away from the wall. But I could still hear the muffled grunts and sounds that were being emitted by the crappy actors in the crappy films. "You are mad, just relax," I tried to tell myself. The sounds seemed to die down and I finally felt my body decompressing from the day. I drifted to my Mind-Palace of Thoughts as I began to outline my paper in head, even getting the opening paragraph mentally written out before I heard a loud bang and realized it was from the film Harry was watching. My body jolted and I sat up, getting down off the bed and heading back out to the common room.

“Do you need to watch those now?” I asked Harry, angry, but I wasn’t sure why. “I need silence. I can’t fucking thinking with all this,” I tapered off, moving my hands around in front of me frantically to finish my sentence, not quite sure what was bothering me anymore - the movie, or the fact that Harry was sitting right there and I couldn't talk to him about my day. I watched his face contort in confusion as he paused the DVD once again, kneeling on the couch and turning to look at me.

“I can go watch them on my laptop with headphones,” he offered, but it was too late. My mind was made and I was acting before thinking; something I did best. I threw my hands in the air as I walked back into the bedroom, grabbed my rucksack and headed towards the door. “Louis! Where are you going?”

“I can’t be here.”

“Why not?” Harry asked me.

“I don’t know,” I said more to myself than to him. “Don’t wait up for me.”

I left the door, shutting the door behind me before Harry could say anything. I felt a lump forming in my throat as my eyes began to sting from the tears I was holding back. I took the back of my hand and wiped under my nose before pulling out my mobile. Unlocking my mobile, I quickly dialed Rowan’s number. “Can you pick me up? Jesus, no, I don’t want to fucking talk about it. Can you pick me up or am I walking? No I’m not hostile. Fine. Yes,” I said, ending the call as the lift opened and I got in. “Fuck,” I said on an exhale as the door shut and I went down to the ground level.

***

“What the actual fuck is wrong with you?” Rowan asked me. I was sitting on her couch, had been denied any sort of food that wasn’t water or bread, and was now on the two-hour mark of her long and semi-redundant yelling about my behaviour. “I have cut you a lot of slack over the years with dumb shit you have done, Louis, but, _this_ … This? Like, really!?” She placed her hands on her hips as her gaze moved down to meet with my eyes. She let out a deep breath and resorted to sitting down on the ground, where she had been pacing for the past two hours. She placed her hands on my knees and just looked at me. The anger and frustration had left her eyes, and now she was the Rowan I knew; the one who gave me a worried glance and a squeeze on my knee. She rested her chin on my good knee, cocking her head in a way that made her look like a sad puppy. “Why.”

It was more of a statement than a question.

“I’m not made for this.”

“Bullshit.”

“I’m serious. I - I just-” I stuttered, trying to use my words properly.  “I’m holding Harry back and hurting him. This way, Stan will leave him alone, the team will start working together, and Harry can go and get on with his life. Be with someone who isn’t… well shit, who isn’t _me_.”

Rowan pressed her thin lips together. They almost seemed to disappear as her brown eyes grew heavy. “What about the ring?”

I bent down, unzipping the front pocket of my rucksack. I pulled out the blue box and set it on the coffee table. Shit - I hadn't even thought about the ring. "Can I not talk about this?” I asked her, feeling the weird lump in my throat and the stinging in my eyes. I wasn’t going to cry in front of her. Nope. I wasn’t that kind of person.I was making the right choice, even though my insides were being torn apart, my entire world grey and crumbling in front of my eyes.

I pulled my legs up off the ground, curling up into a ball on the couch, turning my back towards Rowan. I listened as she stood up and made her way into the kitchen. I heard her turn on the water and fill up her kettle before putting it back down. I listened to the clinking of glasses, the sound of the fridge door opening as she got milk out for the tea. With my eyes closed, I kept seeing Harry’s face when I left. It was hurt, confused, pained. Rowan set a hot cup of tea on the small side table for me before going back to writing her paper in her bedroom.

I sat up, took the tea, had a sip, grimacing a bit. It wasn’t how Harry made it. I finished it anyway, not wanting to piss Rowan off even more, before setting the cup back on the coaster. I pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped it around my body, deciding I was just going to become one with the couch until graduation

_“Yes. Sounds good to me,"_ I told myself despite the tightness in my chest, reminding myself to breathe as I stared at the blue box that I wasn't so sure held my future anymore

***

_iMessage  
_ _5:30pm_

**Louis, I talked to Rowan and she told me you are there. Can you please just call or text me to let me know that you are okay - Hazza**

_7:05pm_

**Lou please, I’m worried - Hazza**

**I love you. Please just answer me back- Hazza**

**Louis - H**

_10:30pm_

**I’m going to sleep. I love you and I am here if you need to talk to me. Please just… don’t shut me out Louis. Please don’t do that. I’m not mad, I just want to know what is going on. I love you - H**

_iMessage_   
_April 23 8:10am_

**Good morning darling. I'll be between the dorms and the campus all day when you want to talk. I miss you and hope that you come back soon. I won’t bother you today with my messages, but I am here when you want to talk. I love you. Please know that I love you and I won’t ever stop loving you - Hazza**

_iMessage_   
_April 24 10:30pm_

**I heard from Rowan you haven’t moved from the couch. I gave her some cookies from the coffee house for you. I hope that you ate something. We don’t need you sick. We need you better for the rest of the football season, and for graduation. I love you. I miss you. I hope you come home soon. Have a good night - Hazza**

***

Everytime my phone lit up, my heart hurt seeing it was from Harry. I had spent the past three days in the same clothes, never leaving the couch unless I had to piss. I had emailed my professors saying I was going to be out of class due to my knee and had finished up that paper and emailed it in. They had wished me the best, telling me that I didn’t have to come to class as my grades were in high standing and they were just going over material that I didn’t need to worry about. I smelt. I needed a shower, to brush my teeth, and I needed more cigarettes as I had run out and Rowan had told both Julia and Niall they were not allowed to buy me any. She also made it clear that this weekend, she was going to kick me off her couch and I either had to find someplace to live or go back to the dorm with Harry.

I had no one since Niall already told me that Rowan had told him he couldn’t let me crash with him and he was going to listen to her. I couldn’t go back to the dorm. I couldn’t look at Harry. I knew if I did I would break down in front of him. Rolling over, I reached for my mobile and grabbed it from the coffee table, pressing my thumb on the fingerprint scanner to unlock it. My hand was heavy as I pressed the Messages app. I clicked on Harry's name; I was going to reply for the first time in three days. My heart and fingers were heavy as I typed out the message that was going to change our lives.

**Harry,**

**I know this is the most cowardly thing, and the most cowardly way to do it, but that's what I am. I am my father's son; a coward who isn't built for a relationships. My brain and emotions were never wired for a relationship like this one. I wasn't meant to get close to someone like I got close to you - I'd only put them in danger. And that's what I did, with Stan. You shouldn't have to fear walking around campus because of me. You deserve so much more than that, so much more than me; you deserve someone who will kiss you in public, who brings you flowers, compliments you, someone who's more skilled in bed... The world should be yours, Harry, and I can't give you that, I can't give you anything.**

**I'm doing this because I love you, and I know I will never love anyone else in my life like I love you. I'm sorry for putting you through nine months of pain and suffering with me being the robot that I am. I'm sorry I can't give you back the love and affection you give me. I'm sorry for every time I caused you pain and anger. And finally, I'm sorry if I'm hurting you again telling you this, but this is the only way to make sure I'll never hurt you again.**

**Je t'aime, Harry, pour toujours et à jamais, mais maintenant tu peux être libre d'aimer comme tu es censé aimer, d'être aimé comme tu mérites d'être aimé... Tu seras toujours dans mon coeur et mon esprit, et je n'oublierai ou ne regretterai jamais ce qu'on avais entre nous**. _(I love you, Harry, forever and always, but now you can be free to love how you should love, to be loved like you deserve to be loved... You will always be in my heart and spirit, and I will never forget or regret what we had between us_ )

**\- Louis**

My thumb pressed send as the long blue bubble sent. My eyes read the words delivered under it. I didn't want to wait for an answer, that might actually kill me so I did myself a favor and turned off my mobile. I set it next to the blue box and looked at, not sure what I should do next.

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to say a thank you to everyone. The fic has reached over 2000 hits and that's like. WOW. I might have started to tear up in my car before I went to work yesterday. You all make this process so much fun and challenge me to write each chapter better than the last. So *hugs* 
> 
> I won't be post for a week or so. I'm swamped with work and planning/prepping/packing for a road trip with my cousin. So this is why I got this chapter out and since you all waited so long for the last one. I will be slowly finishing up the story and it makes me sad to think that I only have a few chapters left. This is my Larry baby and I will always love this fic. 
> 
> Thank you all. Stay beautiful. 
> 
> XO  
> Vi


	28. gone [h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I have blisters on my feet from dancing alone with your ghosts || Tyler Knott Gregson_

Heartbreak [hahrt-breyk]   
_Noun;_  
great sorrow, grief, or anguish. 

That is how the dictionary describes heartbreak. They lay it out in six short words. Six words that do nothing to describe the complexity and pain one experiences. Those words are the sugar coated, PG version of the gnawing ache in your chest, the constant reminder that you fucked up, the way your body shuts down and everything you do seems pointless. They have shut the doors and went on vacation. The world around you is stripped of color and all that you are left with are the black and white hues of sorrow and loneliness. 

That’s what it felt like for me. 

I had been at work when my phone buzzed and I was glad to see that Louis had texted me - maybe I was naive to think that he was coming back to the dorm. Or that I was that hopeless of a romantic that he would want to. Deep in the back of my head and heart I knew, I had this feeling that you can't describe but you just know something is going to go wrong. I had that feeling, and when I unlocked my phone those fears and waves of feeling came over me. 

I had tried to breath, I opened my mouth but no air was coming in our out. My hand fell limp as my mobile crashed to the ground and my knees gave out under the weight of my body and I ended up on the tiled floor behind the counter of the coffee house. The world around me seemed to spin - everything getting closer and closer to me as if my world was literally caving in on me. My eyes looked up at Ami who had a look of fear and confusion on her face. I saw her lips move but I heard nothing. 

There was an eerie silence that surrounded me before everything went black. 

I woke up at Niall’s. The dorm was dark but I heard his telly on, my eyes took everything in as I sat up on the futon. I was still in my work clothes, my boots and rucksack at the foot of the futon and Niall was sitting in his bed with a bag of crisps and a water. 

“Evening,” he said popping a few more crisps into his mouth and chewing. Running my hands over my eyes I looked around and realized that it was night. Fuck. “You okay?” I heard the telly turn off as Niall flipped on a flight and the entire room wa illuminated, my eyes shutting as they took time to adjust. 

Was I okay? I wasn’t sure how Niall wanted me to answer that question. No. Did he want me to lie like Louis, put a smile on my face and say ‘yeah I’m fine’ and then leave and head back to my dorm where my future was so uncertain I was ever worried. Or did he want me to tell him the truth. Tell him that my insides felt as if they were on fire, that every time I took a breath it hurt. Or that no matter how hard I tried not to think about the words that I read in that fucking text message were forever imprinted in my eyes and mind. That I wanted to vomit and I wanted to go on a binge eating fest. Or that everything looked wrong, my body felt as if I was living someone else’s life. That I wasn’t sure if I tood up that my legs would work and that my heart felt as if someone ripped through my chest, broke my ribs, tore it from my chest and set it on fire and it was burning on a pile of broken glass. 

“I don’t know,” is what I settled on telling him. 

“Ami called me and I brought you back here… you were rambling and seemed as if you were high as a kite. You passed out a few hours ago and I let you sleep… do you need tea, coffee, beer, food?” He asked as he took a seat on his desk chair. I shook my head no laying back down on the futon and took a deep breath in. “You need to eat something mate.” 

No I needed Louis.

“I don’t know.” 

“Okay well I will get you soup, crackers and then I can make you tea. Unless you want to go out and get pissed and I carry your drunk arse back here.” 

I shook my head. That sounded more hellish than the one I was currently living in. “Soup and tea,” I told Niall closing my eyes and rolling so my face faced the back of the futon. I didn't think I would be able to eat but I didn’t want to be a dick to Niall for he was trying to help and he had come to get me when I lost it back at work. “Can I stay here this weekend?” I mumbled as I heard the jingle of his dorm keys. 

“Of course mate, I will be back and if I text answer okay? Also a bloke named Liam called…. I would call him back he seemed to be worried about you.” 

I mumbled something else as the door shut and I was alone in Niall’s dorm. The only thing that was on my mind was where had I fucked up to make Louis run?

***

Three days. 72 hours. 4320 minutes I had been on Niall's futon. I had picked at the food he left for me when he would leave and be a human in society, while I wasted away. I tried moving, but my body saw no use. There wasn't anything for me to do. Yeah, I had to prep for finals but I was doing fine that I didn't need to worry all that much and I didn't much care. It was Sunday afternoon when I heard Niall to return home. He had gone to brunches with Rowan and her parents. He had left me lying there like the pathetic piece of trash that I was.

I heard the dorm door opened up and Niall came in. Knowing him he had food to eat later. I listened as the mini fridge door opened and Niall walked past me towards the window. I had been enjoying the black abyss that resembled my life. "No," I cried as I heard the curtains being pulled and I felt the light on my body. "The sun hurts." 

"it's good for you, you are starting to look like a vampire," Niall told me as he walked towards me, I pulled the blanket over my head and tried to stay hidden. “You smell and not the good smile like normal Harry. You smell worse than my dirty socks and that is bad mate,” Niall explained as he kicked my leg and I sat up on the futon. He pulled his desk chair over to me, sitting down he leaned forward. he looked like a father about to give their child a serious talk about life. Had I become that depressing I needed a real talk about how to get a move on with my life? “I love you," he started and I knew right then and there Rowan had spoken to him, while I had been hiding away at Niall's I knew Louis was probably doing the same thing on Rowan's sofa.

"But...." I asked him rolling on my side my body still curled up like a burrito in the blanket I had been using the past weekend to sleep with. I knew there was more to what Niall had to tell me. 

"But you can’t hide out here. I have a strict no one can crash in my dorm after Sunday, which is today,” he explained to him. “Rowan’s orders and I’m not an idiot so I’m listening to her,” Niall paused. "You have to face each other and it seems a bit harsh but Rowan is giving Lou a shove and a much harsher, and foul language talk than I am with you."

He was right. Rowan was right. I needed to grow up and go back to my dorm and face Louis. I wasn’t sure if my body would move, I had become one with the black futon and while I’m sure my back was not shot from it, I didn’t think my legs would walk. I also wasn't sure that when I left the dorm if I would just take off the other way and never face Louis or actually go back to my home for the next few weeks. 

“Hey,” Niall said his voice was now calm and comforting. “Rowan, Julia and I are here. We aren’t taking sides. Hell I’m pissed at Louis for how fucked up he is being. So know that we are here for you Harry, but you need to be there for yourself to. Now up, shower, brush your teeth, change clothes and get some sun on your skin.”

For the first time in what seemed years a laugh escaped my lips. Niall leaned back in his chair a smile spread across his face - proud that he was able to make me laugh still. Gathering all the strength I had I moved my feet, planting them firmly on the ground I pushed up from the futon. My head was a bit light headed since I didn’t stand or walk for much longer than a few seconds twice a day. 

I slipped my feet into my boots, slipping the rucksack onto my back and scooping up my jacket and smiled at Niall. It felt weird for my lips to curve up for I didn't feel happy. Niall just looked at me, wrapped his arms around me and gave me a much needed hug. 

"It will be okay Harry, I believe that."

"Thanks again for everything Niall," I told him as I headed in out of the dorm. His room was on the first level so I just walked to the end of the hallway, pushing the door open the sun hit my skin and it was war my. I had been hiding away for so long I forgot what the actual sun felt liked. I shut my eyes for it was too bright for them to handle this fast. When I opened my eyes I saw spots as my eyes got use to the bright circular thing in the sky. My chest hurt as I walked sock-less in my boots back to my own personal hell on earth.

I wasn’t sure at this point what would be worse - Louis being at the dorm and then leaving or me coming home and it was all empty and it would just be me and the silence. There had been radio silence from his end since he sent me the message. I wasn’t sure if I should answer and if I did what I would say. My mind was muddled with questions, doubts and regrets for how I acted. I had been the entire weekend reliving every moment I had with Louis and analyzing what I did and how that would have led to me pushing Louis away.

“Okay Harry, you need to just deal. This is life and it sucks but that doesn’t mean that Louis is just going to leave you. No, you are just going to walk back up to the dorm, lock the door and talk it all out with him. Neither of us will leave until we talked, cried and if it ends up with us ending us then we will go from there,” I mumbled to myself as I scanned my ID and headed up the steps to the dorm.

I kept telling myself that everything would be okay but I had that same feeling I got before I read Louis text. That it wasn’t going to be okay, that something bad was about to happen and I was just too stupid to realize it. My feet walked down the hallway with a purpose but they felt heavy. The air around me felt heavy and if I had been in a film I know there would either be sad music letting the audience know I was about to be wrecked again emotionally or there would be a big climactic music where the viewer knew I would reunite with my love. My hands shook as I hoped for the happy ending. I needed the happy ending. I was the happy ending kind of guy - the one who hated to watch a film where it ended sad or unfinished. I knew my story with Lou wasn’t finish. 

Unlocking the door I pushed the door open and the dorm was black. I was happy in a way that Louis wasn’t home but as I walked in my life started to resemble more of the opening scene in The Last Five Years than the scene in any happy romantic comedy. I took a shaking hand and flipped on the lights and there laid a half empty flat. 

Everything that was Lou’s had been stripped down from the walls. His desk and bookcase were empty, the telly was gone along with the couch and other blankets, pillows, the plates, silverware, kettle and without even stepping into the bedroom portion I knew that his dresser was empty, his bed was stripped and the closet now only housed my belongings. Even the picture of us on the top of the Empire State Building was gone off the wall. Maybe he brought it with him, or maybe he binned it. My eyes fell on a note that was on the coffee table that said there with a single lonely chair. 

I set my rucksack on the ground and walked over to the table. It was a note and I didn’t want to read it, but I knew if I didn’t then I would only be hurting myself even more. I grabbed the envelope with my fingers and took a seat on the red chair, pulling my knees up to my chest I tore open the top of the envelope and pulled out the handwritten letter from Louis. 

 

“Harry,   
I packed my things and moved to a single for the rest of the term. I know that we both have a lot going on with finals and I have to focus on football. I am sorry for the pain that I caused you and I’m sorry that you were never safe when you were with me. All that is fixed now, and you can be safe and never have to worry about it. I’m doing this for you Harry and no one else.   
Yours,   
Louis?

Leaning forward I set the letter on the coffee table and sat back into the chair. I wasn’t sure - this didn’t feel like I was safe. It didn’t feel like he was doing this for me. He was being Louis and running. Running my hands through my greasy hair I knew I needed to shower but I couldn’t - i needed to get out of my dorm and off of campus. I slipped my mobile out of my back pocket, my fingers shook as I unlocked it and then shot off a text message to the only person I knew would listen that I hadn’t just spent three days with saying nothing to. 

**Is he there?- H**

**No I kicked him out - R**

**You can't stay the night - R**

**I know. Can I just come over. I need to talk and I need tea. I don't have a kettle - H**

**I thought you used Louis? - R**

**He moved out - H**

**Screw tea I'll bring out the wine - R**

 

***

As soon as I stepped foot into Rowan's flat she handed me a glass of wine and I found comfort in her couch. I had changed into a pair of jeans and plain white t-shirt with my boots. I didn't shower- but I did smell and the fresh clothes helped me not be so obvious about it. I know I probably looked as if I had been run over by a semi and then left to die in the middle of the road. Funny enough, I felt worse than I actually looked.

I felt at home at Rowan’s flat but I could smell the faint scent from the cigarette Louis smoked. I saw the mug that he always used a her flat in the sink and his jean jacket hung on her coat rack. My heart attacked as I was reminded of him and I wanted to take the jacket and bury my face in it, rubbing the smell of Louis on me so I would never be without it. I had reached the point of pathetic lonely boy.

"What happened?" Rowan asked me as I pulled my legs up to my chest and rested the bottom of the wine glass on my knee. 

She had put on the best breakup music there was - Lana Del Rey - She had gotten out a red and white bottle of wine. We had finished the red in a few minutes of me just drinking and saying nothing. I wasn’t sure what to say but my lips were loose now as the alcohol was allowing me to speak my mind and not compressing everything. 

I wasn't sure where to begin, for I wasn’t sure where it began. "He went to study in the library Thursday… I stayed in the dorm to watch the films I needed to. I knew he was stressed so I was giving him his space and with his knee he has been a bit on edge with the state game. So I left the dorm to take a break and get some coffee when I literally ran into him. He seemed off - frazzled and if he had been knocked off his balance of life. He mumbled something about practice and then left. I got my coffee and a few cookies and headed back to the dorm. He was at practice for a whole twenty minutes before he came back to the dorm. He didn’t want to talk about anything and went into the bedroom. In a few moments he came out yelling about not being able to concentrate and that he needed to leave and that I couldn’t do anything. He exited and then ended up here,” I told her all that I knew.

“That was fun, a stressed and pissed off Louis. I walked in from work and he told me I smelt like a french whore with the perfume I was wearing,” Julia told me with a smirk. “I punched him in the arm if that makes you feel better?”

I giggled from to much wine, “a bit.”

 

I took another sip of the wine and held up  
My hand for Rowan to give me a breather beefier another glass. “Then I was at work and I got this,” I said as I unlocked my mobile and handed the text message to Rowan. Her mouth dropped and I saw this look come over her that was one I grew worried. She looked as if she would kill someone and not even care if anyone saw. She then passed the phone back to Julia who gasped out loud before she looked up at me. “I then ended up at Niall’s and have been in a relationship with his futon until he politely told me I smelt and that he was kicking me out.”

“I kicked out my couch potato who smelt worse. I’m pretty sure that he has nicotine poisoning but I was so pissed I didn’t care,” Rowan said shaking her head as she topped off her wine and reached over to pour me another glass, ignoring me telling her now. "He is a fucking ass, I have no excuses for him. Other than something triggered this crazy shit and he lost it."

I didn’t care if they made excuses for him. I was already doing that and I wa the one sitting crying over a bottle of 3 dollar wine heartbroken. "So while he was hiding here I was hiding at Niall's," I admitted, though I'm sure both of them had figured that out, or Niall had informed them. "The dorm feels wrong now, everything feels wrong. My entire life feels as if I was sucked into an alternate universe where it sucks... And I'm not sure what I feel which worries me," I said closing my eyes and tilting my head back as it bumped against the wall. "Maybe it was something I did - maybe I shouldn't have been so... so open about us."

"Jesus no," Rowan said exasperated, setting her wine glass down on her steamer trunk coffee table and pulling her hair back away from her face.. "This is Louis being a fucking coward. He runs and even though he thinks he is protecting you he isn't- he is.... god he needs a good punch in the nuts."

Julie laughed, setting her empty glass in the table next to her she said her legs crossed like a pretzel in the chair. "He does, but you were being you. Fully and all you. Don't ever fault yourself. You did nothing. Nothing Harry this is all Louis and don't defend him," she held up her hand as I was about to open my mouth. "You loved him with a love that was so true and pure that you never should think otherwise."

Was it? At this point I wasn’t sure if I had built this grand romance up in my head and I had been living this ideal movie when reality crept in and it shook me awake and I was no dealing with the consequences. Maybe the ideas of my hopeless romantic heart had gone to far and Louis couldn’t keep up for he didn’t see the world through the glasses that I did. 

"But I feel like it was me. I feel I pushed him to this point. Maybe he thought I wanted to get engaged to soon. Or that I was rushing things with meetings parents and then the holiday to Greece.... which was his fucking idea and yet I feel as if it was my fault! What the fuck is wrong with me?!" I asked my eyes stung as the tears I had been waiting to fall finally made their appearance. "Why do I always feel bad for things when it's not my fault? Am I that pathetic that I need to feel this guilt in order for them to come back? I’m a pathetic man who deserves this. All of this.” I finished off the wine in my glass with a gulp and set the glass on the steamer trunk before burying my face into my knees. I felt arms wrap around me and I knew it was Rowan.

“You aren’t pathetic and no one deserves this,” she told me with assertiveness I needed. “You are hurt and you cope with placing the blame on yourself for you have such a big heart you rather you have it on you then for Louis, and no matter how much he has hurt you, you don’t want him hurting anymore,” Rowan stopped as, turning her body towards me I faced her. I needed a good Rowan talk. She was level headed and was able to see the situation from both sides which helped me when Louis was so far from me at this moment.

“I can’t and won’t speak for Louis,” she started off taking my hands and giving them a squeeze. “But I’m going to speak from an outsider who has seen the two of you over the past several months and 1; you are not engagement crazy you are Harry and you have enjoyed all of that before me and Niall were engaged. 2; He loves you and you love him don’t ever forget that. No matter how shitty it is right now at this point sitting on my couch crying, remember and know that he still loves you to the moon and back and he thinks this is helping to protect you. Louis protects what he loves at all costs. So you must mean a hell of a lot to him for his mind to think this was the proper answer. And 3; love always wins. No matter what love comes out the victor. Hold onto love.”

Love. I was so confident about love and that it was always there and I wanted to believe that but I wasn’t sure. I took the back of my hand and wiped my nose and then took my fingers and cleared my eyes from tears.

“Thank you for just listening…. I didn’t want to bother Niall and Louis is probably over there now doing lord knows what… but I think I’m going to go for a walk,” I said pushing myself up from the couch as the three glasses of wine rushed to my head. “I am fine, and I won’t do anything stupid. I just… I just need to think,” I told her bending down and giving rowan and hug and then giving one to Julia.

“Let me know when you get back to the dorm and if you need to call and you can crash on the couch - but only if it’s bad and you can’t handle it,” Rowan told me and I gave her a weak smile as I grabbed my jacket and headed out of her flat.

I wasn’t sure where I was going. I just needed to walk. My mind was still at first, I just walked, I let my feet guide me, my hands deep into my pockets as I kept my eyes straight ahead and I walked in the sea of people in Chicago on a Sunday. The city, while still pulsing was at a lull. There was the Sunday pace of life as I found myself on Michigan Avenue. I knew I needed to sober up so I headed to the first Starbucks I saw. I got a tall coffee. Black. Stepping back out onto the street’s my heart fluttered as I remembered when Louis showed me around the city.

He was trying not to be a nerd but he was excited to tell me about the architecture, the history and the culture of Chicago. He took me to places I would have never gone and we even stopped and sang along with a young college guy playing his guitar for money.

 

It was in the fall and he was playing 'God only knows' when I began to hum along Lou tossed in a few dollars and then took my hand, he places the other one of the small of my back and began to slow dance with me in the street as the sun was setting. I hummed as we danced and people walked past. 

None of it mattered, I was in love and with a man who was so romantic he didn't even realize it. As my feet walked over the pavement I looked across the way as I remembered a rainy spring day when the   
heavens opened up and the rain came down. I took off running for coverage when Louis grabbed my hand and pulled me out in the middle of it all. He smiled, the one where his eyes would wrinkle and his face was brighter than the sun. He had tilted his head back - spread his arms out and stood there in the rain.

“You are going to get sick!” I had yelled at him as the people with umbrella’s walked past us as if we were high - or homeless. “Louis!”

He just laughed, his eyes moved back to me as he took my hand and pulled my body close to him, his left hand on the small of my back as he tilted his head and kissed me.

I had felt a surge of electricity run through my body that kiss. We ended up getting a taxi back to the dorm and stripping each other from the wet clothes before having a shag and curling up in all the blankets we owned after telling stories from our childhoods. Those moments were genuine love. Some felt as if they belong in a film but our life was our own moving picture and we were the directors. By habit I found myself standing in Millennium Park. My boots on the grass as I looked around at the natives who were enjoying a Sunday in the park and you had the tourists who were enjoying prime time to take the typical Bean picture.

Sometimes we would just pass through and other times we would stop I would take a few pictures and Louis would just lay down on his back, close his eyes and take a nap. Other times I would fall asleep on his stomach as he played with my hair and talked about everything and nothing when he thought I was asleep, but I would always be listening to him. I heard him tell me his deepest fears, and while I wanted to talk to him about them I knew it was easier for him to speak to me when I was asleep. I know I spoke to him about things when I thought he was asleep even though I half knew that he wasn’t .

I found a spot where I could lean up against a tree and enjoy the shade but still get the spring almost summer air into my lungs. I had forgotten how good it was to be outside. I didn’t want to feel this way. This… this vacant feeling of being lost. I believe in love. I wouldn’t be hurting the way I did if I didn’t believe in the power of love. Love hurt and this was far worse than with Kevin.

I set my coffee down next to me as I moved to my left side and slid my mobile out of my back pocket. Swiping and typing in my code I pulled on Louis’ message. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say. I was just going to type and send it. I needed to let my heart do the talking and not my brain.

**Lou….Tommo,**

**I don’t know what to type in response to your last message other than you are wrong. While you are fighting this silent war with yourself and other forces that I don’t know about I am fighting the war for us. I have been from the first day you kissed me and I will continue to fight for us until we are dead and can’t fight anymore. I love you and as much as this hurts me I know that you are hurting. I’m not angry…. I’m not bitter. I love you and I want you to tell yourself that when you think no one else does. I will be here for you when you need me. I’m not leaving for I’m not done. I will give you the space that you need but the day you are ready to talk to me and the day you are ready to come home I will be standing here my arms open for you.  
je t’aime de la terre à la lune.** _(All my love from the moon and back)_

**Your Hazza**

I hit send before slipping my mobile back into my pocket. Laying down on my back I closed my eyes and waited, I had to put my faith and trust in love and in Louis. That was all that I could, and while I did I enjoyed the fresh air and sun on my skin. Letting all the stress out and focusing on the final few weeks of Uni and making sure that I stayed focus but never losing sight of Louis and I.I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is unedited so I am sorry. 
> 
> I know that it's a shorter chapter but I wanted to change up the length for some of them and there will be longer ones that are coming up. I felt that if I tired to stretch this out it would loose the feeling I was trying to get across. I'm also sorry if it was a let down from the update that you all were hoping for I didn't have writers block but I'm in a happy mood in my life and I had to really try and make myself sad to get this chapter out. 
> 
>  
> 
> I love you all for your comments and your love. You are amazing and I owe all this to you (: 
> 
> XO  
> Vi


	29. broken [l.t]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Oh, yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it you can either rum from it or learn from it || Rafiki (The Lion King)_

Life sucks. All of life it all sucks. From waking up in a form that was old and dirty. To having to go to practice where the team was filled with a bunch of incompetent idiots. To having to make tea for just me and the fact that I was eating everything because I was so fucking stressed, and sad and I couldn’t fit into my jeans as comfortable as I use to. Life. Sucks. I had to keep my mind on the single game that kept us from State and not going to State. My professors has been gracious enough to accept my final papers early and told me to come to class but not to worry too much about classes. I took advantage of this and stayed in this single lonely dorm room. 

Some say I was wallowing in my pitty. Others said I was a coward and I was hiding from the world and a certain 6’1 giraffe of a boy with long hair. I called it neither of those things. I called it - self preservation and protection of the one I love. I did go to one class, every Monday, Wednesday, Friday Rowan showed up with coffee, unlock my door (how she would get a fucking key I had no idea and she wouldn’t tell), drag my ass out of bed and lead me to class. I would sit in the 70 minute class just to please her. We didn't’ speak about Harry. We didn’t speak about the break up. We didn’t speak of anything much. Mostly graduation. I told her my mum and Daniel were coming out. She said we would all have to go out after with her parents and Julia’s. I agreed - but I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to do all of that. At this point I would like to just have my diploma, not have to walk and just disappear back to Doncaster. Jobless. Like the loser I tried to hard to run from but I ended up running towards. 

My feet walked heavily towards the footie field. It was our last practice till the game Friday. We had a scout coming and my nerves were in full swing. I knew I would never play professionally, due to my knee and well my lack of outstanding talent. None of that mattered, it was a scout and I was nervous. Human nature sadly. I adjusted my bag on my shoulder as I walked into the locker room. 

“Hey Lou,” Oli said to me as I waved at him and walked over to my locker. I didn’t want to talk, I just wanted to change and to get on the field. “Are you okay?” 

“Fine,” I said gritting my teeth stripping off my shirt and slipping on my jersey - grabbing my cleats out of the bag. I toed off my trainers and bending down I slipped each foot into my cleats and began to lace them up. My hands were heavy as my mind flashed back to Harry. 

It was after I had my accident and it hurt like hell to bend down. I had tossed my shoes across the room and while I knew I shouldn’t walk on the pavement with my cleats I wasn’t going to show my teammates that I couldn’t bend down and tie my own fucking shoes. Harry had walked out of the bedroom, he had rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and smiled as he sat down, slid each cleat onto my foot and tied them fro me. He said nothing, he stood up, kissed me on the lips and then went back to bed. 

I could feel the tears in my eyes. Squeezing them tight and sucked the tears back in as I reached into my duffle and began to wrap up my knee. Tapping my knee I pushed up from the bench and headed on out with my team to the field. I wasn’t sure if Coach was even going to let me do the whole workout but I was going to do all that I could. 

“Hey, where have you been?” Calvin asked as we began to run our five laps. I said nothing as I kept running. “You look like hell man, what happened?” 

“Nothing,” I said jogging. 

I felt Calvin sigh. “Did you and Harry have a fight?” 

I turned my head at him, “Why do you give a fuck?” I hissed as Calvin stopped, he grabbed my arm pulling me back a bit with a jerk. “Let go of me, I have to warm up,”I hissed pulling away and continued with my warm ups. I ran my five laps and then we did our stretches and Coach came out onto the field, blowing his whistle we huddled up and he gave us the drills he wanted us to work on. 

I watched as Calvin tried to walk over to me and I just took my head at him. I didn’t want to talk to him. I heard a few of the guys talking about the scout they saw in the stands and I did my best to black there conversation out. I didn’t want to think about having to impress someone. I just wanted to make sure that the team was ready for the game tomorrow. We needed to be ready and the way we barely one the last game I wasn’t sure that we were ready. 

“Lou you need to talk to me - if you are going to be a jerk then why even show up?” Calvin asked me as we got ready for the scrimmage game. 

“Why don’t you fuck off and let me practice,” I told him as I smirked and ran to kick the ball off and we began to scrimmage game. My knee cracked a bit as I ran but I ignored it. I passed the ball to Oli who then kicked it into the goal and I was happy. This was the kind of skill we needed out there on the field. We needed to look like a well organized ballet. 

“Pull back!” I yelled as Calvin didn’t listen and Ross from the JV Team stole the ball from him and ran down the field. “Why didn’t you listen?” I yelled as I walked up to Calvin and shoved him. “Why does no one ever fucking listen to me? I am the fucking captain and just listen to me jesus fucking christ!” I yelled as Calvin held his hand to stop me from coming at him. 

“What is wrong with you? Do you have had a stick up your ass since you walked out on this field now what is wrong?” 

I shook my head. “None of your business now let’s just play, or are do you want to stand up with our thumbs stuck up our asses. We have a game to play tomorrow and if we lose it and then we are done. I don’t want to be done.” 

“Neither do we, so why don’t you be a proper coach Louis and just stop yelling at us for nothing,” Calvin told me but I didn't care. I wanted them to just play like proper footie players not idiots. “Now what the hell is going on?” 

“Let’s play like proper players and not the idiots that you are all standing around being.” 

“Are you talking about us, or are you talking about yourself there Lou? Is there some dirty laundry you want to air out or do you want to continue being a dick?” 

Clenching my jaw I just looked at Calvin. He had no right to talk about my person life. He had no right to share my personal life with the team. “I’m done.” 

“Is that what you said. You just walked away from everything even Harry?” Calvin yelled. I stopped in my tracks, turning around I ran at him shoving him down on the ground. Kneeling down my chin quivered . “He loves you and you walked away for what? Louis you are the biggest coward I care about you and - you need to talk to someone about all of this.” 

“No.” 

I stood up, leaving him lay there a I walked off the field. 

“If you want to know how much of a coward you are will be if you leave. Louis we are your family, your team. You don’t need to run from us.” 

Ignoring the words of Calvin I tossed my hand in the air as I walked off the field and towards the locker room. I heard Coach yelling at me but I didn't listen. I shoved the locker door open, it crashed into the wall and it seemed to shake. My shoes clicked on the floor as I grabbed my duffle, not bothering to change my shoes I stormed out of the locker room and walked down the hallway. My body shaking with anger as I felt a sting in my eyes and my chest felt as if I had a thousand pound weight on it. He had no right. 

My personal life was mine. Rowan had no right to tell him. No one has any right to my life. No one but Harry. 

I shook my head. No. No. Harry was done. Gone. He needed to be out of my system. Move on and get over the silly man with long hair, too many tattoos and a heart of gold. 

"Mr. Tomlinson," I heard a voice behind me. Turning around I saw a man in dress slacks and a button down tucked in with a tie. He was a scout and I was the biggest dick on that field. I had taken Stan's spot as the dock on the team. 

"I know I should apologize for my actions but the truth is," I stopped as the man walked towards me. "The truth is that you shouldn't be looking at me, I have a rubbish knee and to be frank I'm a dick. If you want to know who to watch it's Calvin."

"The man you just had a fight with?" The man asked as he put his leather folder under his arm. 

"Yes, I'm a dick but I'm not a bastard. He is a good father, a fantastic football player, so look at him, not me," I said turning on my cleats and leaving the field. I wasn't sure where to go or what to do. My dorm was cold and hollow, it felt wrong and even when I did all I could I always ended up clutching the picture of me and Harry I took with me when I left. 

Part of me felt like an idiot for what I did. But another part of me reminded me what I did was correct, it was proper. I was protecting what I loved and I love Harry. 

"Just stop thinking about him," I hissed to myself as I began to riffle through my duffle for a smoke and lighter. I stuck the end of the smoke between my lips and just that helped calm my nerves, my hand shook as I ran my thumb over the black lever and lit the lighter dumping my hand around the end of the cigarette blocking the wind. As soon as it was lit I shoved the lighter back into my duffle and took a long drag. 

I felt my body unwinding. My muscles relaxed as my shoulders slouched and my entire state of mind seemed to be zen. God bless nicotine. 

I watched the smoke evaporate from my lips into the spring air as the campus buzzed. It was dinner and all those who were stupid or poor were headed to the cafeteria. Seeing as I was poor I was about to join them. I had used all my credits at the quick service area last week so I was stuck sitting alone and being surrounded by the packs of freshmen, and shop mores who all ate together. There were a few juniors and seniors like myself who are alone, did homework and went about our business. Such was the circle of life at Uni. 

I took another drag as I turned my head looking both ways as my cleats clicked across the street. I needed to change my shoes before I ruined my footie shoes. Holding my smoke between my lips I took a seat on the bench in front of the cafeteria. Setting my duffle beside me I toed off my cleats and slipped my blue Nike trainers on shoving my footie shoes into my Nike duffle as I saw my phone screen light up with Rowan's name and a picture of her flicking off my camera. Harry had taken the photo and set it as my background. 

"Hello," I said answering the phone and removing the smoke from my lips and tapping the end. 

"I need your help. My mom gave my brother and evil which who shall not be named a bunch of old boxes of his stuff but there was a box of my stuff and miss 'I'm a stuck up bitch' won't give the box back to my parents and they are out of town this week for a conference for my father and she is threatening to throw out my stuff! My stuff, if I don't get it now. Julia is at work and Niall is at work and if I go alone I will kill her. I will literally," Rowan said pronouncing every syllable in the word literally. "Kill her, and I won't run. I'll own up to it - fuck I'll even say it was premeditated." 

"When?" I asked as I heard a car horn. I looked to my left and there was the famous blue Honda Rory. The passenger side window rolled down as I saw Rowan on her mobile looking at me. 

"Now. I made you a snack for the ride there and we can get food on the way back. I'll pay," she offered.

I ended the phone call, standing up I dropped my smoke, putting it out with the heel of my trainers I grabbed my duffle as the boot popped open for me. 

"Thank you," Rowan said as I shut the boot and walked around and got into the passengers seat. 

"What's in the box?" I asked as she shifted into drive and we took off. I had assumed Rowan had all of her belongings with her when she loves it not the flat with Julia. 

"Books, my Girl Scout stuff, a few old papers from school. It's stupid stuff but it's memories. Like the program for when I was in the play 'Miracle on 34th Street’ my freshman year of high school. Or the signed bandana from the Fall Out Boy show Julia and I went to with her elder brother Jack and my brother Riker. Like yeah it's junk to Shannon but it isn't to me," she explained as she gripped the steering wheel. 

I had a box. A box of everything Harry. From the first meal together, the ticket stubs from movies, museums, plays. I had pictures and magnets and random things that he had given me, written me or said. I had every song in a flash drive he had ever sung in the shower or around me. I kept a bracket he made me on holiday break when he was bored but most of all, I keep all the photos of us in there. Safe from the world and prying eyes of idiots. 

"It's not stupid," I finally managed to say as the lump in my throat few larger. No matter what I did life seemed to always remind me of Harry. "Don't they live close to your parents?" 

Rowan snorted and nodded her head. "I'm telling you Shannon is the spawn of the devil - like Rosemary's baby. That's my sister in law," she explained as I watched her grip tighten on the steering wheel. "She is pregnant. Another baby," she said and I knew that stung. "Part of me thinks she wants me to go over there so she can be an ass about it."

I reached over and grabbed Rowan's hand and have it a squeeze. "I'll tell her off," I said as she smiled and turned off at the exit for Frankfort. 

As much as Rowan wasn't happy about what I chose to do about Harry she was still Rowan. She never made snide comments about Harry to me, nor did she bring him up. She spoke about him if I brought him up or if it called for it. 

"Snacks? I'm fucking hungry and I didn't eat," I asked as she reached to the back seat and handed me a bag of goodies from her flat. Rowan fell silent and all that was make sound was her music from her iPod as I ate away at the crackers, the chocolate and the water she had also packed for me. the ride seemed to go by in a lash for before I knew it we were off the highway and in Frankfort.. Her face seemed to be drained of all color and her hands shook as she headed toward her brother and sister in laws house. They lived nicely.

The house was the typical middle class suburban, white color working house. It had a reddish brick front, a three car garage, 4 bedrooms, three and a half baths and a finished basement. I had seen pictures, and heard stories about events that have taken place at the house of hell. But this was my first time visiting it. The turn signal clicked as Rowan almost had to force herself to turn down the street. 

"Did the car break?" I asked as I saw the speed reduce from 25 to 5. I felt the stare from Rowan, I smiled and tried to play it off but I was fucked. "I was trying to make you feel better but I'm guessing I should stop." 

"You guess correct Tomlinson," she told me as we coasted to a stop in front of the house. While it would have been better if there was thunder. Lightning and ominous music playing I still felt odd about the house. "Fuck let's get this over with," she said but we stayed in the car. 

"Are we like Phoebe when she went to meet her father now? Because I need to piss soon," I said as Rowan's mouth dropped. "Yes I made a pop culture reference, I'm not a complete tit, plus -" I stopped.

"What?" 

I shook my head, "nothing."

"If you say his name I will get out of the car."

"We will be here for days then," I told her but my heart has been saying his name since he - I - left. Clearing my throat I pressed the red button as my seat belt unbuckled and I sat there, the engine in the car off as we both looked up at the front door. "Hazza." The name came out of my mouth in a whisper, it was as if I spoke his name to loud it would hurt even more than my heart ached. It was this dull pain that spread across my chest when I thought about him. 

"Fuck," Rowan whisperer as she unbuckled herself and pushed the door open. She was going to make this quick and I was going to be sure to be right on her heels. Shutting the door I ran up the driveway after her. "Okay just get the box and leave. Just leave. Don't say anything just smile and leave," Rowan mumbled to herself as her body stopped and saw the box on the front step. 

"That was surprising easy," I whispered as Rowan bent over, grabbing the cardboard box that had 'Rowan's Keepsakes' in faded marker on it. Turning on our heels I had the sole of my black and white vans on the pavement to step down from the small concrete porch when the front door flung open and Ezra stops there. 

"Aunt Ro and Louee!!" She yelled as she looked at me and then her aunt. Her arms wrapped around my waist as she squeezed as hard as she could. "Can you come in and play?"

Rowan smiled, it was her fake smile but it looked genuine to most people. Kneeling down, she set the box back down and gave her niece a hug. "Not today love. Lou and I have to head back to school we have things to get done before we are out for the summer," she lied but rightfully so. Ezra nodded as if she understood but she was still upset. 

"Lou!" Joshua yelled as he walked past the door. "Did you come to play Fifa?" 

I was about to open my mouth was Shannon came strolling to the door. She was 4 months pregnant and she acted as if she was about to pop. He hand cupping under her belly to make it known to both myself and Rowan. "Oh you finally showed," she said leaning against the door. "I would invite you in but you might have some germs and I don't want to get sick and it harm the baby." 

Rowan smiled through her teeth as she stops up and with that grabbed her box again. “We were leaving now - Lou and I need to get dinner and make it back to campus for graduation stuff,” she lied. I wasn’t going to argue I wanted to leave now and not have to be around this. 

“You know maybe the lies you tell are the reason God has punished you,” Shannon said as I wanted to punch a wall. Not this conversation again and not now. She told Ezra and Josh to go back in as she stood there. “Have you thought about that Rowan?” 

“I can’t have kids due to a condition I was born with. It’s none of your fucking buisness and we are leaving,” Rowan told her turning on her heels we kept walking. We could hear Shannon yelling after us but rowan didn't care what she had to say, not did she have anything else to say to her. She popped the boot of the car, set her box in there as i got into the car and she got in a few moments after me.She buckled up, put the key into the ignition and we took off. I waved to Shannon and then stuck up my middle finger as she gasped and I laughed. It felt good to give her a taste of her own medicine. “Sorry about lying… and about her being a bitch” 

“I would have lied if you didn’t,” I told Rowan as she turned up her music and we headed towards the highway to make it back to her flat. “I’m sorry she brought up the kids thing again. I know you have told Niall and that he is okay with it - she didn’t have the right to talk to you like that.” 

“She does this whenever she has a kid. I’m use to it by now, it hurts but I don’t really listen to much of what she says to me,” Rowan assured me with a smile but i could tell she was still a bit upset about it. I pulled my knees up to my chest and watched out the window as the music filled the car again. I knew Rowan was going to call her mother when she got home and then talk with Niall. I would get home and go back to a cold and lonely dorm probably with an email or two from Coach on my behavior and not to pull that shit again. I probably would to be honest if anyone talked about Harry again to me. 

I wasn’t paying attention to the music that was being played, Rowan had one f her many playlists on and I just zoned out, but my body grew tense as I heard a tune I knew all to tell. I couldn’t speak or move as the words began to play through the car speakers. 

_“There’s a shop down the street where they sell plastic rings for a quarter a piece, I swear it. Yeah, I know that it’s cheap not like gold in your dreams but I hope that you’ll still wear it. yeah, the ink may stain my skin and my jeans mall all be ripped. I’m not perfect, but I swear I’m perfect for you.”_

I reached forward and turned off the radio. 

“What the hell,” Rowan hissed as she reached and turned the music back on. 

“Off please,” I said as I reached to turn it back off when she made another face and her hand left the steering wheel as she slapped my hand way. 

“No, I like this song and since when do you care what song I have on,” she told me and I didn’t want to tell her. So I sat there, arms crossed over my chest and my head turned towards the window and the song crept into my soul and I felt myself coming undone. 

_“And there’s no guarantee that this will be easy. It’s not a miracle ya need, believe me. Yeah, I’m no angel, I’m just me but I will love you endlessly. Wings aren’t what you need, you need me….”_

As the words played in the car I felt my stomach turning into a ball my chin began to quiver and my eyes were blurry. I took the back of my hand and wiped the tears that were falling and even when I tried to stop them they kept falling. My chest felt as if a ton of bricks had been thrown at me and my hands shook. The world seemed to be fuzzy and all I could hear the the song. The song that harry would sing in the shower when he thought I wasn’t listening, the song he would hum to me when I was trying to get to sleep but couldn’t. The song that I claimed as our song, it was ours and held the world in the lyrics. Words that were written about a stranger but fit our lives so perfectly that i was sure they could see into the future and saw me and harry Happy and in love. 

“Where are we going?” I asked as I noticed we had pulled off the highway. I cleared my throat to try and hide that I had been crying. I didn’t need Rowan seeing that. I didn’t need to talk about it. I didn’t need any of this. Rowan said nothing. She kept her eyes on the road as I saw we were in Downers Grove. The car pulled up to the park we always went to when we were in town, the park where we were safe to talk about anything and everything openly with no judgement. 

She pulled into a spot in the car park, putting her car into park and turning it off. She got out and headed to the picnic bench. I waited there in the car - I knew once I stepped out of that car I was done. Everything would come crumbling down, I would have no wall to hide behind. I would be exposed and that was more terrifying than being in pain. My hands shook as I opened up the car door. I stood up as the spring air hit my body and it felt good to breath it all in. My knees felt like jello as my hand shut the door and I told myself to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I reached the table. I took a seat next to Rowan, laying down so i was looking up at the sky which was blue and a few clouds that seemed to be fake and almost as fluffy as cotton candy. 

“Harry sang me that song,” I confessed as Rowan laid down next to me. “He… he sang it in the shower and when I couldn’t sleep. It was our song and it hurts to listen to it.” 

“I didn’t know,” she told me sympathetic and I knew she was. I never told her. I never told anyone. I didn’t want it to be tainted by anyone. It was pure when it was just me and Harry’s. “What is going on in your head Lou.” 

“I’m afraid that I made a mistake. That…. that I was scared and I convinced myself that if I left Harry I would be saving him from Stan,” I explained as I squeezed my eyes tight to stop the tears from falling. I was so tired of crying all the time and I wasn’t a fan of crying in front of Rowan. “I convinced myself that Stan was the problem when it was me. It was all me, me being afraid that if I exposed all of me that he would run. That if the dark dark parts of my life would be to much to deal with. That my family would suffocate him and that he would see how broken I am. how pathetic, and weak I am. That I was more dependent on him than I had been on anyone in my life and that if he left I would be left shattered.” 

“Like now?” she asked me as I nodded my head as I felt the lump in my throat forming and my stomach began to toss and turn inside of my body. I was going to be sick if I kept talking about it, but as much as I tried to stop I couldn’t. I wanted to get this all out and then maybe, just maybe I would feel better. 

“I feel empty. I have had this pain in my chest since I told him that I had to break up with him and I can’t sleep I see his face, and I can hear his voice and there is some of my stuff that still smells of him and I sleep with it every night, holding it close to me and pretending for those few moments of rest that he is there with me. That I am happy again, that I’m whole again. I never realized that he made me whole. Is that stupid? Please say it’s not for he made me whole. he was the light to all the dark areas of my life and ironically enough I was the light to his dark areas of life. I never felt so free being with someone or unashamed of my faults,” I told her as the words kept coming out of my mouth like vomit. Not stopping and the more I walked the better I felt in my chest. 

Swallowing I tried to talk past the watermelon sized lump in my throat. “I had pushed him so far away and that I was blinded by the idea of being loved by someone that I believed in true love. That I looked ahead to the future that wasn’t just tomorrow. I feel my head is laughing at my heart gong ‘haha fucker you actually thought love was real. Everything is balls - up and you look like a pathetic wanker,’ and I am.” 

“Remember the video you did for me?” 

Why the hell was she asking me this. Yes I remember she took me to a dodgy building and questioned me about my feelings for Harry. I hated her but also loved that she did for I kissed him that day. “Yeah….” 

“Think back to those words you told me and then think about how you came running to me that cold day in december with a flash drive begging me to use what you had recorded. I listened to it and cried, the kind of cry that I did when I watched Sherlock jump off the ledge for John out of love. Those words you said weren’t words of a man who was being guided by a hard boner in his pants. Those were were from a man who opened his heart up to love and was letting love consume his being,” she explained. “I think the exact words were ‘not fleeing for fear of the repercussions, the cruel words or what society says. I’m standing up for myself, my heart and life. i want to feel love and I want to give real love back’ those words, your words have stayed with me Lou all these months and they have stayed with the people who watched my film and they have stayed with Harry,” Rowan said as I felt a tear fall down the side of my face. 

I remember those words. I remember saying them and being so afraid for the world to hear them. “There was more,” I told her. “I said that I had to fight a battle everyday with my default actions, words and behavior and have to reprogram my mind to recognize that my old ways are hurtful and not caring. I was moving forward and leaving years of pain and lies and hurt behind and looking toward what my chest feel like when I’m happy. Dragons.”

The dragons were there, they seemed to stir whenever I thought about harry but they laid dormant in a way. I missed it all, the rush, my face always wanting to smile and me having to force myself to be serious. Knowing that no matter how bad the day was I had Harry. 

“That’s not pathetic. You aren’t a wanker. You are in love and sometimes we act thinking we know what is best but after awhile we realize that we made a mistake… we are all humans and just because we made a mistake doesn’t mean we need to damn ourselves to a live of sorrow.” 

Rowan was right. I knew she was right and it hurt that I was wrong. “I’m broken Rowan,” my voice shook as I spoke and I reached over and took her hand. “I’m so broken and I can’t put myself back together. I miss him and I would give up every hope and dream I have to be with him again. To feel whole, happy and to have the dragon's back. I don’t need a big house, or a lot of money. I just want to wake up every morning with my arms wrapped around his body and go to bed every night with a kiss from him. I want to hold his hand in mine and I want to just be able to smile again for no reason but the fact that he is mine,” the tears were falling from my eyes like a waterfall and I couldn't stop them and it felt good to finally cry. “I love him rowan and I fucked it all up and ‘m not sure that I can fix it.” 

I felt arms wrap around me. I buried my head into Rowan’s chest as my entire body shaking as I cried. 

“I don’t want it to be broken. It was the one thing that wasn’t broken in my life and I fucking… I fucking broke it…” I managed to say between sobs as I tried to catch my breath. “I need to fix it. Fix it all.” 

“It’s not broken forever and you aren’t broken either Louis. You are more whole than you have ever been,” Rowan reached into her purse and handed me a blue box. “I found this in my flat, I’m assuming you threw it in anger. Hold onto this Lou, hold onto the words that you spoke about love and just fix it. Stopping sitting with your thumbs stuck up your arse. Do something, only you can fix this when and how you want to.” 

My hand shook a bit as I took the box and felt a smile on my face. I had thought I had lost the ring forever, but leave it to Rowan to have it with her. The box felt light as I held it in my hand, I bit my bottom lip as I took the bottom of my shit and wiped the tears and snot off my face and held the box next to my heart. 

I was going to fix this. I was going to fix everything and this was the first step.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being patient with me. I had taken my day off and forced myself to finish up this chapter and the one after it. I would have updated sooner but Post Concert Depression is hitting me hard the past two days and I've been trying to keep on going. 
> 
> But the show in Chicago was amazing. I loved every second of it and there was something so incredible standing there next to my best friend seeing a band that honestly has brought up together as best friends. I might have teared up during **act my age** as I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and we sang out the words together. 
> 
> I hope that you all enjoy this chapter and the progress of Louis. Comments are much loved for they honestly are something I love to see and they always bring a smile to my face. 
> 
> XO  
> Vi


	30. emergency [r.f]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _What feels like the end if often the beginning || Anonymous_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTE THIS CHAPTER IS TOLD FROM THE POV OF ROWAN. SO PLEASE WHEN YOU READ THIS KEEP THIS IN MIND.***
> 
>  
> 
> *(note at the end of the chapter to explain why)

I had enough of this shit. I had sat there and done my job as the dutiful friend. I listened to when Louis curled himself up on my couch and would stare at the blank tv screen and then complain that I didn’t make the tea like Harry. I nodded my head as he complained about every from the temperature in my apartment, to the birds outside chirping to my phone going off with too many texts when he was trying to talk to me. I had gone out to coffee with Harry as he sat there and poured his heart out to me, second guessing everything he had believed in and asking me what he should do. I hugged him and told him to keep believing in love. Never saying who was right (Harry) or who was in the wrong (Louis dumbass Tomlinson).

I had kept my lips closed when people asked me if they had broken up, it was as if they were some celebrity power couple and the entire campus was worried about their fate. Or maybe the were worried Louis would hinder their chances at State. Either way I would walk away or make up some shitty lie. I was dying inside, I should be focused on finding a job and graduation, and planning a wedding but all my mind can think about is how to get Louis and harry happy again. which means they need to be Louis and harry again (or as Julia, Niall and I called them Larry).

Harry had stopped eating basically which hurt me to see him. he was living off tea and crackers and i wanted to shove an entire cake down his throat. while Louis was just munching on everything he could. He had the added pressure of the game on his hands and then n when he was going through emotional stuff he usually would eat and then work out - but due to his knee he was cut down to only eating. I wanted to just slap them and tell them to wake up but that would do little to no good at all for them. I knew how Louis felt, how he really felt and it was eating away at my soul. I had kept this to myself but I knew that Niall and Julia knew I had something that i was keeping from them. I had before with personal issues with Louis but this one was bigger and deeper than anything else. For the first time in four years I saw a raw side of Louis - he wasn’t defensive when I talked to him about Harry. He just unraveled in front of my eyes. The final brick in the wall blocking his heart was chipped away and it call came crashing down with a harsh reality of what he had done - and that it wasn’t him being brave but scared.

I rolled over onto my back as Niall slept next to me. I couldn’t get the picture of Louis out of my face from the other day, my mind was searching and trying to figure out every possible way to help him. To help harry. I didn’t want to play match maker - I didn’t want to force them to be with each other when they didn’t want to. but they both wanted to, they were both afraid of getting hurt even more if they admitted to the other person and they denied them of the love they once had again. I looked up at the ceiling and watched as the fan hummed the rhythmic hum as it rotated over and over again. We had two and a half weeks left of college. We had the soccer game in two days and if we won’t that State the following weekend and then graduation. Louis would go home to Doncaster - Niall and I would go to Ireland, Julia would be in Jersey and harry would be back at home in Cheshire. The clock was ticking away and I was done sitting around. It was time for me to take action and do all I can until it was out of my hands. I owed that to Harry and Louis.

“You are thinking really loud,” Niall mumbled as his body rolled over so he was facing me. I turned my head and looked at him, I wasn’t sure if Niall was just talking in his sleep, like he did when he had too much to eat before bed, or if he was actually awake due to me thinking too loud. I watched as his eyes fluttered open and I could see his blue eyes in the dark, his lips curved up into a smile as he looked half asleep but he was up to talk to me. “You have been walking around like a grief stricken puppy since you and Lou went to get your box from your brothers. You are either upset about your sister making a comment about you not being able to have kids - which she has no right saying and Lou had the right to tell me - or something happened with Lou and you have been worn by a pink promise not to tell anyone,” he said his voice was deep from the sleep he was trying to get. “now i think there is a loophole where you can tell a fiance who is half asleep and when it’s between the hours of 2 and 3am,” Niall lifted his head and looked at the clock. “Oh look it’s 2:41.”  

I laughed as I rested my head on Niall’s chest. His arms wrapped around my body as he laced his fingers with mine. “I know you and Julia joke that I like to metal with my friends love lives and I do in a way, but I promised not to with Lou and Harold but,” I paused not sure how to word this. I wanted to tell Niall everything, just open my mouth and let everything come out like word vomit. “But… you remember when my grandmother passed away and I acted like I was okay but then you took me aside and I just came apart?” I asked Niall as I felt his head nodd before he said that he did. “I saw that happen in Louis. I’ve known him for four years Niall and the man is one to make jokes and hide behind his emotions but he let Harry in - he got spoooked and now he doesn't know what to do. He opened his mouth and everything came out from emotions, to fears, and sorrows, to dreams he had with him. He cried the deep gut cry where you just can’t speak and it consumes your entire being.”

“Oh jesus….” Niall said unable to say anything else.

Sitting up, I turned on the lamp by my bed and looked at my fiance. “I love them both. I love them like my brothers and they had been through a lot and Harry has been strong but there is only so long you can hold onto a rope you feel that is breaking before you let go. I don’t want him to let go for even though he doesn’t know it Louis is holding on to the other end of that same fucking rope,” I felt my chest growing tight as my eyes began to fill with tears. “I’m done sitting back and just smiling and nodding to them both and saying ‘it will be okay’ because it won’t until someone does something.”

Niall took the palms and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before he sat up with a look in his eyes. “I’ve been waiting for you to come to this - screw them getting together on their own you have Louis the most stubborn man alive and Harry the second. Sometimes fate needs a little kick in the arse and that is what we are here for,” Niall took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “Harry had the same moment with me the other day. He told me he was starting to realize that love was just a pipe dream. No one, especially the Harry I watched in your video should think that love is a pipe dream. So what is the plan?”

I took a deep breath in. I wasn’t sure that I had one. Yet that is. “I’m not sure. Just - whatever we do we do it with love and with their best intentions in mind.”

Niall pressed his forehead against mine, kissing my nose he smiled at me, his eyes reassuring me that I could do this. “You always do Ro. Now, I love you so much and you are amazing but let your brain take a break tonight okay. Over thinking won’t help anything. Plus you need Julia and probably Calvin to help us if we are going to succeed in this,” yawning Niall kissed me as he laid back down. I turned the lamp off with a click and laid down next to him. “When did our lives become a movie?”

“Everyone's life is a movie, we are each the director and we cast who we want. We are just following a pretty clique plot line at the moment,” I told him with a kiss. “They will be okay right?”

“If they want to be,” Niall said to me and I knew that deep down he was right but that wasn’t going to stop me from fighting for them.

***

“Thanks for letting me bring Ruby,” Calvin said as he took a seat on the couch, he had brought the stroller up and unbuckled her and set his daughter on his lap as Niall set a coffee cup for him and then a sippy cup for Ruby. Julia set the plate of pastries we had gotten for this meeting before taking a seat down next to Niall on the couch and looked up at me.

I hadn’t been able to sleep after my talk with Niall, so I had gotten up and pulled out the dry erase board I had and began to plan my plan. I was still in my leggings, one of Niall’s shirts and my hair was up on the top of my head. I didn’t need to look put together for this and I had been to lazy to change before Calvin showed up. While I had many drafts of this plan the one that i had settled with had been one I was proud of. It was simple. Your basic Point A to Point B to Point C plan. A few subplots but for the most it was straight forward.

“So… why did I get a text at 5 am saying to be here at 7 am on a Wednesday? Are you sacrificing me to help Louis and Harry or am I joining a cult?” Calvin asked as he tore off a piece of the doughnut and gave it to Ruby who ate it with excitement for it was probably much better than the normal breakfast food she got.

“Funny Rodgers, but no,” I told him rolling my eyes. “I have called you all here today for we have a few things in common. We want the best for Louis and Harry and we have seen what this stupid breakup has done to them and we have all been on the end of Louis lashing out at us some more recent than others,” I said as I looked at Calvin. “We have seen Louis at his best with Harry even at his worst with Harry. We have seen Harry grow with the help of Louis and I refuse to let it all throw away from Louis being a dumbass and Harry being another dumbass.”

“I think you should go into motivational speaking,” Niall joked with me as I gave him a two finger salute and stuck my tongue out at him so not to use the bird in front of Ruby. “Oh, wow dirty Rowan.”

“Watch it Horan - I can go for the entire summer if I need to,” I snapped at him as he huffed and sat back into the couch. “So, last night I came up with this,” I said as I removed the sheet from the dry erase board

**Project Larry**

Objective: get them to talk

Goal: get them together if they want to be and they do

Game Plan: soccer games

Julia choked on her coffee as she set it down on the coffee table with the doughnuts. Clearing her throat she, “The fact you wrote the damn shipname we call them makes me realize this is why are were best friends Ro,” she shook her head at me pausing to take a sip of her coffee before starting up a valid point of this plan.. “Okay how do we get them to talk. Louis won’t even say his name and when he does it looks like someone punch him in the balls and he can’t breathe.”

Pointing a marker at her I smiled. “Excellent question my young jedi. That is what brings us to the game plan,” I said taking the end of the marker and pointing to the board. “Soccer, there is a game Friday and we just need Harry there,” I explained as I reached around the back of the board and stuck a nice cutout face of Harry smiling. I had spent all night working on that one and a few others to help illustrate what needed to be done. Julia covered her mouth as Niall bent forward laughing so hard i was sure he was going to piss himself as Ruby smiled and pointed at the picture.

“Hawy!”

I smiled at her, “Yes, that is Mr. Harry and we want him happy don’t we Ruby?”

“Hawy sad?” She asked turning her head up to her father who looked at me. “Hawy no sad.” Calvin shook his head for he knew I did this so he would help, he was a sucker for his daughter and she had taken a liking to harry so if she knew he was sad she wouldn’t be sad as well. “Daddy fix.”

“You are good and horrible,” Calvin told me as I just smiled. I knew I was horrible, and I didn’t care at all. “I don’t get it why do we just need Harry at the game. It’s a soccer game…. they won’t speak to each other and if Lou knew he would probably refuse to play.”

They were thick. Thicker than Louis on his most stubborn days. I stood there, my hand on my hip looking at them. Both Niall and Calvin looked back at me, with blank and confused expressions on their faces. I waited, bending down to take my coffee mug off the table and wait till it clicked with one of them. My eyes looked over as I saw the smile spread across Julia's face and there was a spark in her eyes behind her glasses as she nodded her head and laughed.

“Please tell me you have a Louis head to use before I tell these daft idiots what the plan is,” Julia told me as I pointed at her, raised a brow and slapped a head of Louis on the board next to Harry’s. She clapped and then turned toward Niall and Calvin. “They are connect souls. So if Harry shows up Louis will just know and him knowing that Harry is there and that harry didn’t leave and that he isn’t leaving and that the words he told him via the text message were truth he will talk to him and have that hope and fire lit under his ass to get him back.”  

“For Louis coming to his game is a sign of love. For harry it’s a sign of love,” I explained as I added a soccer ball and a heart. “It seems stupid and easy but it’s the way to get them to be in the same place and have those feelings again and not running. Something both have become good at and i want to kill them both for.”

It didn’t need to be words to get them together it was the actions each took towards each other. It was the small things that Harry would do for Louis by showing up to a game that means the world to him. for Louis it’s knowing that Harry is there and the words that he believed in won’t fall with empty promises like so many things in his life. I didn’t need to say anything, I just needed to sit there at a soccer game with Niall, Julia and Harry like we always did.

Calvin raised his hand. “So…. do I tell Lou that Harry is coming or not?”

I opened my mouth when Niall looked at me, his face changed as a smirk of the devil spread across his face. “No,” he told him as he sat up on the couch as he leaned towards me.  “We don’t know if harry is coming…. do we Ro?”

I pressed my lips together and shrugged as I took a sip of my coffee. So there was a hiccup in my plan.

“Rowan Judith Marie Flagda have you gotten Harry to agree to go to this footie game on Friday?” Niall asked me again and I narrowed my eyes at him. He was going to be dead to me if he kept up with the sassing. “So where is plan A.1 where we get Harry to go to the game for I’m sure he has offered to work.”

“I can ask Ami to take shift,” offered Calvin. “I mean he was going to watch Ruby at the game but I can ask her… but you owe me a month free of watching ruby.”

“Sure,” I said waving my hand in the air. I loved Ruby and I would watch her for a year if it meant Harry couldn’t hide at work. “Niall when you get lunch with Harry today just bring up that we are going to the game and that he should come for we will make it to State and that he wouldn’t want to miss it. If he says no drop the topic. I’m getting dinner with him tonight to help with him a film project, I will bring it up and we plant the seed with the help of Julia when we come back to the apartment. That is all that we can do and then we ask him once on Friday and tell him where we will be sitting and the rest is up to them.”   

I waited for them to protest. To say it would never work but what I got was smiles. From Julia, Calvin, Niall and even Ruby. “It’s simple, effective and might actually work,” Niall said leaning back on the couch. “So we inform Louis about none of this?”

“Correct. He needs to know and he will. We will move to phase two once we wint state,” I told them proudly setting the marker down and grabbing a doughnut taking a bite happy to finally eat and that my plan was going to work. I had placed all my eggs in one basket and I needed for it to work. I needed Harry to just listen and come. I needed Louis t tell Harry everything that he told me. I needed them happy again.

Once Calvin finished with his coffee he was out for he had to drop ruby off at his parent’s house and he had practice and then class when Julia was going back to bed since I woke her up at an ungodly hour and Niall had class as well. He told me he would talk to Ami and tell her why she needs to take Harry’s shit without telling her and that he wanted it in writing about me watching Ruby for a month’s worth of days for free. I began to clean up the apartment as Niall hopped into the shower and Julia went back to bed. My mind felt better about Harry and Louis but part of me was still worried. Pressing my lips together I let out a moan and grabbed my wedding planning stuff. I was off of classes until Graduation basically minus the one I had with Louis that I attended. I didn’t need to get clothes on till later when I went out with Harry and Niall gave me the report from when he would bring up the soccer game to him.

I listened as Niall sang to himself in the shower, the water soon turned off and I saw a very white ass of an Irishman I loved run from the bathroom to the bedroom with his hand over his dick incase Julia was still up. Laughing, I shook my head and began to look into flights for the time of year we would be getting married to see how affordable it would be for his family.

In moments he was out, dressed in his black skinny jeans, Nike tennis shoes she recently got a black shirt with his newsboy hat he loved, and I loved on him. He headed towards the door before he walked back, taking a few extra seconds to give me a kiss and a smile. “Love wins Rowan, I know you believe that, I believe that. Harry and Lou believe that…it will be okay, I promise you.”

I was going to hold onto that promise. I needed it to be okay for Louis and Harry more than for me. Now I just held my breath and hoped that this plan would work somehow.

***

I was dying on the inside as Harry and I sat at my kitchen table and he wrote his script for the film class and I read it over. I wanted to talk about Louis, I was itching to talk about louis but I had promised not to mention anything until Julia showed her face and brought up the soccer game. But she was stuck trying to get home from Whole Foods. “Take this out - it is a bit redundant with having both the male and female stating the same thing basically the same way,” I explained to Harry who nodded. He was quiet today and he had been since the whole breakup. He turned into himself and I could even tell by this short script he was writing that he was giving up on happiness all together. “And you sure you want to end with the man drowning himself.”

“Yes,” Harry said to him as he looked up from his laptop screen. His hair was pulled back and he looked much younger than he was. He was in what I knew was one of Louis’s shirts and the same pair of jeans he had been wearing since the break up. At least he had showered recently for his hair was wet when he arrived for dinner and it wasn’t from rain. “It dark isn’t it….”

“A bit coming from you. I mean I understand why you are having him die but it’s a bit heavy. Why don’t you just elude to that and not actually have it in there. Let the reader and or viewer come to the conclusion to what happens to Guy 1,” I offered him. “I know I ask all the time but you okay”

Harry shook his head. “No, but I can admit that I’m not now so that is progress… right?” He asked me as his fingers still typed on his keyboard. “Niall asked me the same thing today so we talked a bit I guess. He is worried and I’m fine I’m not going to go mental and do something stupid like shave my head or anything.”

“Good, you might not look good bald,” I joked as he rolled his eyes. “I’m here and it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it but we are here and it’s okay to not be okay just talk to us and what you tell Niall he will keep a secret if you want him to so don’t think that he will tell me.”

“I know, and I don’t care if he does. I just talked a lot about it today and I’m not sure I want to talk about it again… if that makes sense,” he said his hands pausing from moving as he smiled, it was a small one but it was a genuine one at least. He wasn't hiding behind a fake smile to please me or anyone else.

We went back to silence as I read over what he had written so far as he finished it up. I was happy and relieved when the front door opened and Julia came in her arms full of bags. “Fuck the L,” she hissed walking to the kitchen and setting them all down. “Hello harry, sorry for my language,” She said to him as she turned to me. “I got the food and then I stopped and got face paint for Friday so we are going all out for this game and I don’t care what Niall says he is to. If he can get excited for Derby he can get excited for this.”

I laughed, Julia should win an oscar for her acting and lies she was telling. Niall was excited for the game and he would paint his entire body if he really wanted to. “You still coming like always right?” I asked Harry as he looked up at me. He had a look of fear, panic, pain and confusion. “I know he will be there he is on the team - but he won’t know that you are there and it’s one of the last few things we can do as a group before graduation and do you want to take that away from me and Jules??”

“Guilt trip much?” Harry laughed shaking his head. “I don’t know Ro... “

“Don’t think in the way where you will see Lou but that you can be given free beer and have fun,” Julia added as she unpacked the food and put it away she could see that Harry wasn’t going to move and he had the same answer he had given Niall.

“I work and wouldn’t be off till the game was almost... “ Harry stopped as his phone screen lit up and I saw it was Ami. “Just kidding…. I don’t work apparently Ami needs the hours and wants to take my shift. Wasn’t she going to the game to see Calvin”

“Who knows all we care about is that you don’t work!” Julia said ignoring his obvious logic to this plan and I was going to kiss her on the cheek when we were done for saving my ass.

I was so glad that Calvin came through for me. “So yes!” I cried clapping my hands as he swallowed and I saw him clench his jaw as my stomach dropped and I was beginning to freak out that the plan was going to fail and I had no backup plan. Other than kidnapping both of them and locking them in a room till they talked or killed each other.  “Don’t say no, even if you come for the last ten minutes and then leave come. You can’t live life in fear if he sees you and the more you avoid him the harder it will be when you do see him.”

I watched as Harry hesitated answering me, “I will try.”

“That’s all I ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was having issues trying to bridge the two chapters and I had talked it over with the two people who I trust most to talk about my fics with and we agreed that a chapter from Rowan's POV would be fun and different. We have been seeing everything from Harry and Louis that it was nice to have a change with Rowan who cares about them both and wants the best for them. It was fun to write this chapter for Rowan is close to my heart as a character. 
> 
> I also wanted to give you all two chapters since I've sucked at updating and I felt horrible and that well I wrote this today and as hell proud! Now it's not edited but it will be soon. 
> 
> Hope that you all enjoyed! 
> 
> XO  
> Vi


	31. lost [h.s]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I've been let down but I've got some hope in disguise. I'll make it through all these cold days even if I gotta stay inside. You know the sun's finally rising, I see the frost turn to gold. I've got this young love inside me. Must be what's burning my soul || Red & Gold (Young Rising Sons)_

I wasn’t sure why I was here. I had woken up and found myself standing at the entrance of the football stadium as students decked out in school shirts, and spirit gear. I was there in my jeans, a simple grey shirt and boots. My hand held my mobile as i waited for Rowan to show up, she was running late from work and I wasn’t going to walk in there without her, or Niall or even Julia as backup. I wasn't sure if I could even walk in there with them. I had done a great job to avoid Louis for the last few weeks and now as the first time I would see him in person. It was also the first time I would be around a large group of people that wasn't in a classroom where I could run to the loo a dn escape. There was no escaping this time. I was stuck, but I needed to be stuck, I needed to push myself and not turn into what i was when Kevin left.

“You made it!” Niall yelled in my ear as his hands grabbed my shoulders and gave them a squeeze as my body jerked out of the trace that i was in. “Oi, you will be okay mate. You have me and Rowan and Julia,” He assured me as I turned my head and saw rowan and Julia smiling with a water bottle in their hands, I figured there was some form of alcohol in it.I forced a smile on my face, the game had begun but that didn’t matter - I just needed to remember to breath. To keep breathing.

“Merci d’être venu ( _Thanks for coming_ ),” Rowan told me as Niall huffed as she spoke to me in French. He hated when Louis and I spoke to each other in French but it annoyed him even more when it was Rowan for she wouldn't crack and tell him what it was about ( _Louis usually did_ ) “Si c’est trop pour toi… tu peux toujours partir ( _If it’s too much… you can always leave_ ).”

Rowan wrapped her arm around my shoulder as we walked into the stadium and headed on up to our normal seats.

“Je sedia toujours prêt à partir si tu en as besoin ( _I will always leave if you need_ ),” she added as my eyes kept focused on her and not on the field. “Okay?”

I nodded, taking a deep breath as I turned my head and looked down at the field as Louis stood there on the field as he wanted for the ball to be thrown back onto the field. I wasn’t sure if I was going to vomit or pass out - maybe pass out in my own vomit. My knees shook a bit as I braced myself on Rowan.

“Je vais bien ( _I’m okay_ ),” I promised her. I wasn’t going to give up this easy. I needed to do this for me - for Louis. for us. Exhaling loudly I stood up tall and watched the game. I watched as the guys ran back and forth on the field, our team scoring, the other team then scoring. It was back and forth and my heart was killing aching. I watched as Louis, his face flushed and the sweat coming down off his brow. He untucked his jersey and wiped off his face as I noticed that his once flat stomach had a bit of pudge to it. He was stressed - I saw that when I got back from Cheshire.

“We are down by two, shit,” Niall hissed as the buzzer rang for halftime and Louis looked gutted on the field. His head hung as he walked over to the bench and grabbed a water bottle and headed with the team into the locker room. Sitting back down bench everyone seemed to head to the loo or to get food, and a few sat down as they had the halftime show. “Did you finish off the beer?” Niall asked as Rowan nodded her head and handed him an empty water bottle.

“Yes,” Rowan laughed as I wished she had more left for it would help kick my nerves I had. “You okay H?”

I nodded.

I wasn’t sure. I had been in a haze and was on an adrenaline rush but I was now crashing. My eyes darted around the stands and I was glad that I didn't know anyone besides those I was sitting by. I didn't have to worry about Stan, he had been banned from all sporting events unless both Louis and I were notified.

"Harry!" I heard a voice call out as I turned around and saw the sophomore on the newspaper Hubert. I had run into him when I was waiting for Professor Cornwall and he was leaving the office of Janacek. "I reporting the game and wanted to know what you had to say about your boyfriends performance," he said sticking a microphone into my face.

"What?" I asked as my body tried to compress what was going on but was kicking into flight mode. Louis and I never told anyone we were on a break...or whatever the fuck we were. We just weren’t seen around but I thought that it wouldn’t be noticed by most of the school population.Leave it to a reporter to figure something was wrong with Louis… I even knew something was wrong with Lou by how he was playing and it hurt me.  He was so focused on this game and I was messing him up.

"Number 28. He seems a bit distracted out there, is it stress from finals or letting the team down? How has he been in the dorm?"

My mouth flopped open but no words came out. I wasn’t sure how Louis was. Was he in pain like me? Was he okay and having fun? Had he retreated back to his old ways? Did he miss me? I tried to push the words that were all trying to get out but the only thing that came out was a sound of a dying goat. Hubert looked at me, a bit confused as I tried to speak but I stood there, my body began to clam up and my chest felt as if it was on fire.

“Nice hat mate!” Niall said as I knew he was trying to deflect the questions. Hubert smiled and then turned back to me, He wasn’t going to leave until I have him an answer and I didn't have one.

“No comment,” I managed to say to him my voice was soft and I felt my chin quivering as I tried my best not to break down into the tears I had thought had all dried up. I watched as his hands scribbled something into his note book. He gave me a false smile as if he was happy with my answer - he was going to ask around and he was going to find out. Louis was playing like shit because of me. He was off his game due to me. “Hubert!” I yelled as he stopped, turning around he climbed back up the steps and stood in front of me. “He is playing his best and they are a good team. Louis has his heart in the game and he and the rest of the team are going to fight for this game… you can write that, I said as I felt Rowan grabbed my arm and gave it a squeeze.

“Thanks Harry, I wish you and Louis the best of luck in the future,” Hubert said with a truly happy smile on his face as he took the steps two at a time and I felt the world spinning around me. Sitting down the teams came back out on the field but I couldn’t stand. I wanted to, but my legs were rubber and my breath was labored as I tried not to have a panic attack. I motioned to Rowan that I was fine. My eyes closed for a few seconds as I gathered my thoughts and myself. I heard the whistle blow and they began the second part of the game.

I stayed seated, I listened with my eyes closed as they gave us a play by bly of when someone scored, or someone messed up. I couldn’t look at Lou after talking with Hubert. I couldn’t look at myself after that mess of a quote, or the fact I wasn’t sure how he felt and why he was off on his game. He was distant from calvin, and Oli and the rest of the guys on the team. I wasn’t sure if he had a row with them or was just closing in on himself. As I sat there, my mind began to think of the worse possible things that Louis could have done, I was afraid that his knee was going to give out, or that someone was going to hit him in the face. I had this pit in my stomach that the scouts were going to pass him by and then what?

Standing up I opened my eyes as they focused onto the field, we had a few moments left in the game and we were down by one. “I need to go,” I said without looking back at my friends and heading down the steps of the stands. I didn’t want to be here, I  needed to go. “Stay,” I called back to Rowan as I heard he stop in her tracks. I made it down to the ground and turned the corner from the stands to leave when my body stopped me. I wasn’t sure why but I turned around and watched as Louis stole the ball and ran as fast as he could down the field, his face was beat red and he looked as if he was going to pass out. My eyes glanced up at the clock as it counted down.

0:10, 0:09, 0:08

With each second Louis made his way down the field passing each member of the other team as he weaved and dodged like a pro that he was. He was grace out on that field, poetry in motion and I loved to watch him play. He had this joy on his face that no one could take away from him.

0:07, 0:006, 0:05, 0:04

There was a stillness in the stadium as Louis got up to the goal, he took a second to line it up and as the clock ran down to 0:00 the ball soared through the air, through the hands of the goalie, hitting the back of the net as the entire school went mental. Louis dropped to his knees as I had to stop myself from running out there on the field. My eyes lingered on him as his eyes looked up to the stands, his face dropped but he turned around and I wasn’t sure if he saw me but my eyes locked with him - my lips twitched a bit before I turned and headed back to my dorm.

“Breath, breath, breath,” I told myself as I kept my head down and moved the opposite way that everyone else was. My hand fumbled to find my Id but as soon as I got into my building I took the lift and walked as fast as I could into my empty door. My hands shook as I unlocked the door, I quickly shut it once I got in, pressing my back against the door my legs gave out and I slid down to the ground. “Breath….” I said as I felt the tears falling down my face. They weren’t sad tears - they were happy ones. Louis had just won the game and I was hiding in my dorm. “You are a pathetic person,” I told myself building up my confidence to go out and face Lou even more.

I sat there on the floor for a few moments as I tried to collect my thoughts that were bouncing around like they were on speed in my head. I had to get this under control but as I took a deep breath in and out my mobile went off. It was my mother’s designated ringtone she set (so I would answer when she called) she had told me. Sliding my mobile from my front pocket I pressed the green circle to answer.

“Hello,” I said praying my voice didn’t sound like I had been crying or was about to die.

“Darling I was calling to see what kind of dinner’s Louis would like me to cook - I know you said he doesn’t like the healthy food but I refuse to feed you boys rubbish when you are here… Harry what is wrong?” She asked as my voice registered with her and her mother instincts kicked in and before I could even tell her the tears began to fall down my face. I pulled my knees close to my chest as my body shook.

I opened my mouth and tried to speak but nothing came out. I heard my mom moving around on the other end of the phone as she seemed to be walking over to a quiet part of the house. “Harry darling you need to breathe, what happened with Louis?” My mother asked me her voice calm and I listened to her as I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. “One word at a time honey,” she said to me and I knew that I was going to have to tell her eventually. I just didn’t know that eventually was going to be today.

“I think it’s… we ended… I will be coming…” every time I tried to start a sentence about Louis the words seemed to fail and I was start another one and that would fail as well. “He and I are on a break for personal reasons and until he… we sort them out I will be coming home alone,” I managed to tell her as the words left my lips it was real. I was going home in two weeks and it would be me. With my bags and a broken heart. Tilting my head back against the door I wanted to wake up from this dream. From this nightmare of a life I was living. “I’m… sorry to… it’s just hard…”

I heard my mother move on the other end of the phone. She didn’t say anything, just listened as I could hear Gemma’s music in the background as she made tea and I wanted to be home. I tried to transplant myself back home but I was in a dark dorm room alone. “What happened Harry?” she finally asked me.

“I… I don’t know…” I managed to choke out a few words. I did know but I didn’t. It was long, mess, complicated and confusing and something I didn’t want to have to relive. Not now. Not on the phone either with my mother. “He… he got scared and he ran… I made him run… I was too much of me and pushed him… It’s like it was with K…” my throat began to close up as I gasped for breathe.  

“Shhhh…. breathe and when you can talk,” she told me. “Harry you love this man very deeply and I know who you are, you have a heart of love and if you have withheld the information about telling me about Louis then you have some faith that this isn’t over,” she assured me. “Harry… you still there?”

“Yes,” I muttered. “We won the footie match… Lou scored the final goal and we are going to state,” I said sucking the snot back up into my nose and clearing my throat. “So that means i will be getting a call from Rowan to go to the game.”

“And why wouldn’t you go?” she asked me as if she didn't listen to everything I had just told her. “Harold Edward Styles if you went to this game so why the hell wouldn’t you go to state. Not just to see Louis but to support your school and to go to a game that by my understanding of when Louis and you facetimes with us last has never happened and would make history,” she chuckled as I shook my head as Louis had been more dramatic than a Shakespeare Play.

“Mum….”

“No,” she said her voice was stern and I knew she had her lips pressed together as she tried to give me a look through the phone. I needed to avoid a FaceTime where she would rip into me. “I will call that young nice woman and have her drag your skinny arse from that dorm to that footie game,” she said and  knew that she would. “Now, take a deep breath in, make a cuppa, clear your head and then call me back. I love you, and I know you don’t want to talk about this now and when you are ready give me a ring.”

My mother knew me better than I knew myself. “I will,” I told her as I wiped the tears from my eyes. “I love you mum, and thank you so much.”

I could almost see her smiling on the other end of the phone. “You are my son, and you will always be that, so get some tea and clear your thought.”

I nodded my head, “okay,” I was going to listen, I needed to clear my head and to process all that was going on. Outside the window I could hear the victory cheers and the partying began. I hung up with my mother and sat there for a few moments. The silence was ended as there was a knock on my door. I said nothing as there was another knock and I knew that it had to be Rowan.

“Harry open up. Please,” she asked me.

Shutting my eyes closed I shook my head. No. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to be left alone. Alone is all that I really had left, just a few more weeks of being alone and then I could be alone with my thoughts at home - Liam would drag me out to the pubs and get me pissed drunk and I would sleep on his couch crying over Louis.

“Harry please I want to make sure that you are okay. Just let me know that you are okay,” she said as she knocked on my door again instead of pounding to cause a scene. “Harold.”

Taking a deep breath in, I reached up, turning the handle of the door I moved out of the way so there was a big enough space for Rowan to walk in. Her head turned to see where I was before I shut the door, Rowan cleared her throat and took a seat down next to me on the ground. She crossed her legs, her hands placed on her knees as she waited for a few moments before speaking to me.

“Tell me what is going on in your mind - if it’s word vomit then that is fine.”

I opened my mouth to speak but felt the tears filling my eyes again. “I… I can’t.,” I said and I couldn’t. I couldn’t keep holding to this idea, ths torn and worn and tattered idea that Louis and I would be together forever. “I have tried… Rowan I have given everything that I have for this and I don’t feel…. I can’t do,” taking a deep breath in I composed my words. “I can’t be in a relationship with someone who has given up. I’ve done that once and I refuse to put myself through that again - especially when I love him so much.”

Rowan wrapped her arms around me as he chin rested on the top of my head. “Remember when we first met and I asked you to be in my film? Remember when you wrote those words wrote and you told me?”

Why was she bringing this up. I did remember but I didn’t want to. I was stupid, naive and pathetic. I had clung to this idea that I was fed via hollywood, and other social media and outlets. True love was a joke, and it was never going to happen for me. The pit of despair grew in my stomach and hope vanished from every pore of my being. “That Harry, that man who wears flowers in his hair and eats too many doughnuts but doesn’t tell Louis. The Harry who sees love in the smallest of things is in there, he has just been knocked down a few too many times and needs to gain proper footing.”

Snorting, Rowan was always the best at pep talks.

“You have been knocked down but not beaten,” she assured me. “The light that seems to be dimming you need to hold onto it. Hold on with all your might Harry, I know it’s just me saying this but know that Louis isn’t giving up on you.”

“It sure as hell feels like it,” I said my eyes closed as if I opened them up it would all be a reality. “I can’t stop loving him Rowan… I try and think of something else… hell anyone else but it all comes back down to that unshaven, hates to take showers, man who claims he is 5’9 sassy ass of a man and… and even if we don’t get back together I won’t stop loving him and that scares me so I can’t be this empty shell. I can’t live this life that isn’t being lived.” My chin began to quiver again as I thought about the feeling I had and never being able to get rid of it. I couldn’t live like this the pain was too much and I wouldn’t be able to go on for much longer. Maybe I would just run away to some other country in Europe.

“Then keep loving him,” she said as I sat up and pulled my legs back towards my chest. “We are going to get a room for state - I will come by at 9 and if you want to come we will leave at 9:15. If you don’t show by then we will leave. No questions asked - no text begging you to come. My offer is now on the table and when Friday comes you can take it or not,” she said reaching down and giving my hand a squeeze. “I’m going to get some food, do you want me to come by with some dinner?”

I shook my head no. I wasn’t hungry. Hadn’t been for a long time.

“Call, and while I know I have a rule the couch is open for you,” Rowan said as she pushed myself up off the ground, reaching her hand out towards me I took it as she helped me stand up. “Turn some lights on, don’t sit in the dark.”

I nodded.

“I will know if you didn’t,” she joked with me as she turned the door handle and opened them up. Leaning over she kissed my cheek and headed on out of the dorm before she left she took her hand and flipped the lights on as the room was illuminated and my eyes squinted. I didn’t want to be in this room alone, walking over the coffee table I grabbed my headphone, plugging them into my mobile I slid my Id into my pocket and made sure I had my key.

I wasn't sure where I would end up but I was going to walk until my mind stopped thinking and that I was okay. I stuck my earbuds into my ears, putting my music I had on my mobile on shuffle I left the dorm and began to walk. The sun felt warm on my skin but my chest was tight as i was worried I would bump into Louis as he got drunk and celebrated his win. My feet moved across Chicago, I soon blended in with the crowd and I was just another face, another body, another human walking around the city.

When I came to it I was at the Lincoln Park Zoo. My lips twitched up as I thought about the date when it began to snow and how Louis was bummed that the date had gone south. It was perfect to me, I loved everything about that date. I walked around and watched the animals, taking a few photos and seeing if that would clear my mind. Anyway to escape was better than none at all. My mind kept circling back to the video that I helped Rowan with. I believed in love and I believed in this weird way that Louis still loved me. I was done trying to fight for someone who wouldn’t fight with me, his words on how he was going to stay with me and he wasn’t going to be like Kevin. I didn't need someone who was like Kevin, but Louis wasn’t turning into him which made it even worse. He was just leaving  and I loved him. I couldn’t stop, while I was able to turn off Kevin’s love I had I couldn’t turn off Louis’s.

My mind didn’t fully listen to the song that came on next, I was in another world as I walked around the zoo, I smiled at a few kids who ran by their faces painted as a lion and frog. It wasn’t until I took a seat on the grass and my ears registered the song. It was a song I sang to Louis, to myself. It was our song, and even when I didn’t say it out loud I knew that it was our song, a song that spoke to both of us without us having to say a single word.

_“Ink may stain my skin, and my jeans may all be ripped. I’m not perfect, but I swear I’m perfect for you. And there’s no guarantee, that this will be easy. It's not a miracle ya need, believe me, yeah, I'm no angel, I'm just me. But I will love you endlessly wings aren't what you need, you need me.”_

The song filled my ears, filled my soul and that small spark of love that was fading was ignited again. It was small, but it was strong. I was going to fight for this as best as i could. I was going to give it all and hope that Louis gave it all back to me, but I gave myself a deadline. I was going to be done once he walked across that stage and weather I was there to kiss him a congratulations or leave before he can see me.

“You can do this Harold, just hold on. Don’t give up. Let love win. Let love prove society wrong. Let love prove you wrong,” I told myself closing my eyes as I put the song on repeat before getting up and heading back to the dorm with strength. Hope slowly coming back. 


	32. up [h.s & l.t]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I never meant to break your heart. Now I won’t let this plane go down. I never meant to make you cry. I’ll do what it takes to make this flu, oh you gotta hold on, hold on to what you’re feeling. That feeling is the best thing, the best thing, alright. I’m gonna place my bet on us, I know this love is heading in the same direction. That’s up || Up (Olly Murs)_

**h.s**

I shouldn’t go. I shouldn’t want to go. But I wanted to go. No.  No, I needed to go. The entire morning I had been packing and unpacking then packing again a small bag to ride to the State footie game which was a close to five hours away. When i wasn’t removing and and putting back the clothes into my duffel I was pacing back and forth in the dorm, hell I’m shocked I didn’t wear a hole in the floor to where I could see the people living below me. hey would ask, and then leave it be. She had texted me and told me that they would be leaving at 9 to allow us to get there check into the hotel and settle in. My body was torn. my head was telling me one thing and my heart was screaming the opposite. I set my toiletry bag in my duffel before I zipped it up, sliding my rucksack on my back I took the duffel by the hande. I had till 9:15 to get down to her car. if I was late she would be gone and I would have fucked up any chance I had to get back with Louis.

Silly as it was, if I showed up he would know I was always there like I promised and if I wasn’t then I was just like everyone in his life who had lied to him and let him down. I didn’t want to be like that. It hurt me to do and face him but if this hurt was going to give him the faith he needed for us to be us again then I would hurt until the day I died or until the flame burnt out. I knew that i was trying hard to keep it alive but I felt is flickering as it was dying. I had only a few moments left till I gave up on everything I’ve believed in for my entire life.

I had tried to be okay. I tried to focus on school, tried to focus on my life but my mind was plagued with Louis. I was reminded daily when I woke up and was alone with an ache in my chest and every night when I closed my eyes and all I saw was his face. My life was nothing at this moment. I was just going through the motions, not living. With each step I was trying to live, I scooped up my green jacket and made sure that I had my dorm key and billfold. It was 9:12, I knew that I was cutting it close but I hadn’t been sure about going until I was packing up to go home for the summer and I saw the shirt Louis got me with his number on it and it read ‘Columbia Soccer’.

I shut the dorm door and walked down the hallway, students rushed around me, the buzz of us possibly winning this game, the excitement filled the air and I felt out of place. I wanted to be happy, to have this joy bubbling up inside of me but all I could think about was being hurt. Being rejected. Pushing the door open I jogged down the steps, my boots clicking as I had to hurry up, I didn’t want Rowan to leave, at least I didn’t think I wanted her to leave without me.   

Reaching the main floor I followed the group of students out, the warm sun hit my skin and I saw the blue car. I walked a bit faster as Niall jumped out of the car he waved, a ridiculous happy smile was plastered on his face as he called out my name. A few people turned to look at who he was yelling at, I felt my face flush red as I lifted my free hand and motioned hoping that he would stop talking so loud. Rowan must have popped the boot from in the car as Niall stood there with it wide open waiting for me.

“Glad you came Harry,” he told he as he patted my shoulder more chipper than I had seen him in a while.  

“Yeah,” I paused as he took my duffle and wedged it between the two Ver Bradley weekenders and his orange, green and white duffel. “I’m not sure if I will be the happiest of companions but I am here,” I told him sliding off my rucksack and setting it on top of everything as he shut the boot before pulling me into a hug. I was taken off guard at first but I wrapped my arms around this crazy man.

“That is all that matters mate,” Niall assured me as I stood there. I needed a hug, and if it wasn’t Louis Niall was the runner up for best hugs in the world. I would have stood there longer but we were torn from our moment as Rowan honked the horn informing us they were leaving with or without us. Once we got into the back of the car Rown handed me some coffee and a banana nut lice from Starbucks before pulling out of the car park and heading towards the game.

While I enjoyed my breakfast Rowan and Julia talked amongst themselves about summer plans and a few things about the wedding as Niall was passed out,, his head pressed up against the window, and his mouth opened as he snored slightly. It was nice and odd being out of my dorm and around people I actually wanted to be around but soon I would be just a blurb in a sea of fans at the game and I was glad to be hidden in the mass of people that would be at the game. I wondered what Louis thought if he cared if I came or not. I had only what Niall and Ro told me when I asked them. While I didn’t think they were lying to me, I did feel they were sugar coating how Louis was doing with this break up … break.. trial separation or whatever they wanted to call it.

The issue, and beautiful thing about Louis was that he was Louis. He had this superpower to bottle his emotions and let them sink to the bottom of his soul never to worry about them again. While I had the superpower to have my entire life written all over my face for everyone who passed me to know that I was dying internally. I had promised myself that I could make it through today, and I kept reminding myself over and over as Rowan and her led food did her 82 on the highway.

Everyday I wanted to send Louis a text, telling him that I was still here, that I loved him, asking him how he was doing. I knew that when he was stressed he over worked himself and with this game, finals and graduation he was at the max that his mind could handle. My heart ached knowing that I wasn’t there to help him. But I told him I was going to give him space, he needed the space and I needed him. I closed my eyes and listened to the music in the car as my mind though about the holiday we had planned. I checked everyday and we still have everything booked. I wasn’t going to cancel anything that Louis and I had planed. Those airline tickets home were the single strand of hope keeping me going.

“He will be happy that you came,” Rowan said looking in her rear view mirror at me. I opened my eyes and looked at her. “I’m not saying it to just make you feel better either.”

I gave her a weak smile.

“Nialler wake up, we are getting more coffee and you can piss,” Rowan said as Niall opened his eyes, clearing his throat and wiping the slight drool off the side of his mouth. We pulled off the highway and made our way to the nearest Starbucks. I needed a water and was happy to stretch my knees after two hours of being in the car. I hadn’t decided if I was actually going to show up at the game - maybe I would just find a place to get a cuppa and read. We all piled out of the car and headed on in, Niall making a B line for the loo as I grabbed a juice and water bottle as rowan ordered herself some tea and Julia got a water as well. “What are you thinking?” Rowan asked as Niall ordered his food and drink while we waited.

“Don’t tell Lou I’m here, okay,” I told her as I looked down at my shoes. “I rather sit in the stands and him not have to worry and can focus on the game.” Part of that was a lie. I just wanted to be able to leave as if i was never there if it was too much for my heart to handle.

“Let’s get back on the open road!” Niall sang out with a sandwich in his hand and a coffee in the other. Rowan smiled as we all headed back to her car. My books clicked across the pavement as we reached her car, Rowan unlocked it as everyone piled in, she stood by her door and looked at me.

“You sure?”

I nodded my head, “yes.”

The rest of the ride was the normal car ride, Julia was the DJ, Niall farted way to much and my mind was on Louis when I didn’t want it to be. Rowan sang along to the songs and I felt happy for moments here and there. My stomach began to not up as we pulled up to the hotel to check in. Rowan parked her car as we unloaded the boot my entire body felt as if I was walking on clouds as we walked in.  Rowan checked us into the room and I told Julia as we walked down the hallway I would sleep on the floor. She just rolled her eyes and said that Andy wouldn’t be upset if we shared a bed for a single night. The room had two queen beds and Niall fell face first onto the one he and Rowan would be sharing. We got ourselves settled in while we each took tours in the bathroom Niall took a nap, his mouth opened as he snored away. I unzipped my bag and looked down at my options for the game.

I pulled the grey shirt out along with a flannel and headed into the bathroom. I shut and locked the door as I looked at myself in the mirror, my face was gaunt and eyes puffy from the lack of sleep for what seemed like a year but it was  only a few weeks. I hadn’t  bothered to do my hair, I just pulled it back and added my head back to keep the shorter strand from falling on my face. Turning on the water in the sink I splashed some water on my face, to help wake me up but to also cover up the tears that I felt were coming from the stress.

You aren’t giving up Harry. You made it this far. I told myself drying my face off as I slipped off my car clothes and slipped Louis’ footie shirt on and the flannel on over, rolling up the sleeves I took a deep breath in. I wanted to give myself a nice pep talk but I didn’t know what to say. I just was trying to make it to the end of the day. That was my pep talk. Make it through today.

“We are getting food so hurry up Styles!” Niall said pounding on the door. I closed my eyes and mustered up all the strength I had to face this weekend with grace and courage even if it ended up shittier than my life already was. Now to face my demons that were waiting for me at the football field.

***

**l.t**

We sat in the locker room as Coach gave us the pre game pep talk. I was half listening to his words as I looked down at my cleats. My stomach had been in knots since we got on the bus and I had managed to only vomit six times from the hotel room to the locker room. I just didn’t want to get out on the field and lose whatever was left in my stomach out there. I rubbed my hands together and took a deep breath in as my heart was heavy. I had told Rowan to ask Harry to come, but made her promise not to be obvious about it.I wanted him to be there, to see his face smiling at me. But she told me that she would tell him but that was it. She wasn’t my messenger and he was his own person so if he didn’t show it wasn’t her fault. No, if he didn’t show up it was my own fucking fault and I knew this now.

I needed to see him. If I saw him in the stands I would know that he was there for me like he had said. I would go up to him after the game, get down on my knees and apologize to him. Tell him that I would do whatever it took for him and I to be together. That I was sorry. Sorry for listening to the voice of my father. Sorry for not believing in us when I did, I did I was just a coward. Sorry for causing him to lose the weight that he did and to cause him the sleepless night and assure him that the pain he felt was only magnified by ten with myself.

“Lastly,” Coach said as my eyes looked up at him as he spoke to us. “You boys has been through a hell of a lot this season so no matter what happens step out onto that field you are winners in my book. You have grown as a team and while some of the members are no longer with us we persevered and have come out victorious. Now let’s bring it in and go out there and win!” He yelled. We all stood up from the benches, putting out hands in Calvin started a cheer I half chanted. We broke from the huddle and headed on out to the field.

I usually fed off the energy of the crowd but today I wanted to hide from them. “You okay?” Calvin asked me. This was the first time he spoke to me after I went off at him during the game last week. I had been too ashamed to say I was sorry, I was too ashamed of my life up until this point to really do much of anything. “I know you talked to the scout about me. Thank you for giving me the chance for Ruby and myself..”

“Cheers,” I told him as I tried to remember to breathe as we walked and I could hear the cheers. My stomach seemed to flip flop and I closed my eyes right and told myself I wasn’t going to be sick.

“Where is your head?” he asked me as we waited until they announced us and we would charge onto the field. “Louis…” .

I knew I was a liability - everyone on the team was worried that I was going to fuck up and we were going to loose. I was afraid that i was going to fuck up and we were going to loose. I had done my best to find my center or whatever people had told me to do. I had focused on something happy - I told myself that if we won this game I would talk to harry. We would go home this summer and start over. I also needed to win this game for me - I needed to win for I wasn’t going to give up on this. If I could finish to the end with footie I could spend the rest of my life with Harry. I had the ring in my duffle in the locker room as a reminder of the me I needed to get back to somehow.

“I’m in the game,” I snapped before opening my eyes and looking at Calvin, “I promise,” I lied, but I had been lying to myself and everyone around me for a month almost it was easier now than actually telling people that I was dead inside. “Sorry.”

“I understand Lou,” Calvin told me as he took a deep breath in and we walked with the team towards the field. “Just know that he still loves you. It’s hard to stop loving when it’s true love,” Calvin assured me as someone nudged me from behind.

“Hopefully you can keep up fat ass,” Nathaniel snarled at me. I want to snap back at him, for he was one to talk he could barely run half the field without looking like someone punched him in the nuts and knocked the wind out of him, but I just rolled my eyes. He wasn’t worth it to me my focus was on the game, and Harry. “Put on a few pounds there Tomlinson. Break up that bad you took to eating all carbs and stop running.”

“Fuck off.” I said as we were given the cue to head out onto the field. As my feet stepped onto the grass my soul came alive. My eyes scanned around to see if I saw Harry even though it would be hard I had this feeling that he was there. The fans cheered for us as I headed over to the other captain of the team. We shook hands and they had won the coin toss so they chose the side and we kicked off.

“Watch yourself pretty boy,” the captain hissed as he looked at me and then my knee as he jogged back to his team. I shook my head as Calvin and I went back to our starting team.

“We know we can beat these fuckers. Now let’s show them and everyone that we are a serious team and if they don’t think so they can fuck themselves. Just have fun, be a team and enjoy this,” I told them as the ref blew the whistle and we headed to our spots on the field. I took a deep breath before I ran and kicked the ball and the game that could change my entire life began

***

**h.s**

We were halfway into the first quarter and the opposing team had scored two goals while Louis (with the help of Oli, Calvin and Ian) scored three. But now the other team was starting to play dirty and I was getting pissed the the refs weren’t calling the fouls that everyone was seeing, even me a man who knew little about the technicalities of the game but sure as hell knew they were illegal. My eyes followed Louis as he ran down the field trying to get the ball away from the player with the number 14 on for the other team. My mouth gasped as I grabbed Rowan’s forearm as Louis dodged by jumping out of the way for a ball that was headed straight towards his knee.

“Bloody coward,” I hissed as Coach called for a time-out and that was my cue to use the loo. I had been nervous and my bladder loves to not hold anything when my nerves kick in, kind of like a puppy. “I need to piss. Anyone need anything?” I asked as they all shook their heads no.

Moving down the row we were sitting in I took the steps two at a time as I jogged down the metal stands and headed where the signs told me to go for the loo. It was quiet as everyone was in the stands watching the game, which was nice to be able to get in, empty my bladder, wash my hands and then headed back out to watch Louis. Walking into the stall I shut the door and listened to a few guys come in a bit drunk and took a piss before leaving. Once I was alone I was able to empty out my bladder and headed to the sinks to wash my hands. My eyes looked at me in the mirror and I had color, maybe it was from the sun, or it was a flushed face from seeing Louis. I was starting to see Harry and not the ghost of a man I was for the past few weeks. My hands reached over and I took a few paper towels, wiping them over my hands I tossed the used towels into the bn and headed back out.

The stands exploded with cheers and I knew that we had blocked a goal. My heart filled with joy knowing that we might actually win this game, as long as Louis didn’t have an accident. Knowing Louis’ track record that was a 80% chance he would end up heart and a 100% chance my heart would shatter when it happened.

Shoving my hands into my pockets of my jeans I made my way back to the seats when I felt like someone was following me. I tried to shake the feeling but the slower I walked the faster I felt someone was coming up on me. Stopping, I looked around and realized there was no one to hear me scream and it would be drowned out by the play by play of the game, as I turned all the way around Stan stood there, his jeans looked worn and faded in the way they were old, he had on a blue t-shirt and white converse with a hat on his head as if no one was supposed to know the piece of slime was at the game. I knew I should turn around and tell rowan and then tell Coach. Every part of me knew that was what I should do, say nothing to him and just walk away and be the bigger person.

But that had worked out so fucking well for me the past few times I was going to try a new approach. Face the spineless tit head on.

“I thought you were banned from school functions,” I said as I walked towards the man who was several inches shorter than me but still thought he could beat me up.

His eyes seemed to laugh as the cat like smile appeared as if he was going to push me off a building. “You know for a fag you sure have loose lips to speak to me that way,” he said trying to threaten me without using threatening words. I stopped as my boots came toe to toe with his converse. “I heard the word around campus that your butt buddy dumped you. Guess he wisened up and realized that soccer was more important than your sad ass of a human,” he laughed as he flinched backwards as my hands formed into a fist and I moved closer towards him. Ohh, someone has a bit of bite in them.”

I wasn’t going to hit him. I would just be doing what he did, and everything I told Louis would fall void.

“Just leave Stan,” I said as he shook his head at me. Learning forward he took his pointer finger and poked me in the shoulder, my body moving a bit backwards from the force of his hand pushing me. “I am warning you Stan,” I said to him one last time before I snapped.

I had always told Louis that hitting was the answer when someone was a jerk and that it just promoted violence and with Stan that is what he wanted, but sometimes you have to say ‘fuc it’ to your own rules when a cockroach just won't go away. I had nothing else to really live for at this point , my entire life had been a shit show since Louis left so why not try a new approach to life.

_No. Walk away._ I told myself shaking my head as Stan began to speak to me.

He laughed. “What are you doing to do? You are like a baby giraffe, and you couldn’t hurt a fly.”

No I was going to walk away. I was going to be the bigger person if t killed me. Looking the pathetic man up and down I turned on my heels and headed back towards the bleachers to watch the rest of the game before half time. My feet moved a few inches before I felt two hands on my back and my body was lunged forward as Stan shoved me. Shoved me like a five year old does when someone takes his toy in school. Stumbling my feet lost their balance and my knees knocked on to the hard concrete ground as my hands stopped my face from crashing.

“Fucking swine,” I hissed under my breath pushing myself up off the ground and brushing my now torn jeans.My head lifted up as Stan was laughing, he was holding his stomach as his back bent backwards and he laughed as if he had just heard the funniest joke in the world.  “You berk,” I said as I felt my body moving towards him, he stopped laughing as his eyes grew wide like saucers. My hands reached out in front of me as I took my right hand and swung at him. My right fist met Stan’s left jaw, his head turning as I heard a crack in his neck as some blood when flying out of his mouth. I must have dislodged a tooth. Taking my left hand I gripped the top of his shirt and pushed him up against the pole that was helping keep up the stands. Holding my right arm under his neck I pushed him upwards so he was standing on his tiptoes as he opened his mouth to talk, I had applied enough pressure that he could still breath but not utter a single word.

I felt my blood boiling as I opened my mouth to speak to Stan. “Now, I’m going to say this once and if you have any sort of brain you will listen and heed my words,” I told him as y face was inches away from his, “You are to stay away from me. ou are to stay away from Rowan, Niall and Julia. But most of all you are to stay the fuck away from Louis. You aren’t to speak to him, look at him, get on any social media and talk about him and if your little minions come hear any of them they will pay,” I explained as the words seemed to be pushed through my teeth and I tried to remain semi calm as I spoke to Stan. “Now, I’m going to let you go, you are going to get back into your car and drive back to Chicago. I’m not going to tell anyone about this and you can tell whatever story you want about why you have a busted jaw and an eye that will be turning black and blue soon I don’t give a flying fuck just stay away from me and my friends.”

Stan’s eyes usually full of hate were now small and panicked. He was scared as his entire face seemed to be that of a small child who was just reprimanded by his parents. I felt that I had been the first person to finally put Stan into his place over these years. “I want you gone from my life and Louis’s life. You understand, blink once if you understand.” I said as his slowly blinked his eyes. “Now I’m going to let you go and you better fucking run Stan. I will come after you and I have nothing else to lose at this point in my life so I would be worried.”

Removing my arm from his neck I backed away as he his hand covered his face and he walked back towards the car park. My face was stoic as I made sure he left, once he was a small dot I leaned against the pole as my knees gave out under me. “Shit.” I whispered as I held my right hand. I had hurt it and I needed ice, my knees stung as I could see there was some dried blood from falling and my hands were scraped on the palms. My chest shook as I took a few deep breaths in and cleared my head. Closing my eyes I counted to ten before standing up, taking a deep breath in and exhaling I headed back to the stands. My feet walked up the steps as my eyes looked at the scoreboard and saw that we were down by a goal, as I walked up to my spot my eyes were locked on the field below me. I moved down the row as Rowan turned towards me as everyone cheered as Louis stole the ball from player number 36 from the other team.

“That was a long piss,” Rowan told me as we clapped as Louis passed the ball to Oli who passed it to Calvin who managed to score tying the game up. I knew Rowan and she was looking at my knees and hand . “Harry what happened?” She asked worry in her voice as she lifted up my right hand and I winced a bit in pain.  

I looked down and saw that it was bleeding at the knuckles. “Nothing.”

Without even saying anything Rowan gave me the look any sister would give her brother who was lying to her face. I knew that I would get a talk to in the hotel room after the game but for now she let it be so not to cause a scene with Niall and Julia who were both too engrossed into the game to mind what we were talking about on the side.

“It’s nothing Rowan, I promise you I’m fine,” I told her and I was in a way. I watched Louis run down the field and I don’t know what came over me but I smiled and yelled, “bottes leur le cul Tommo. Montres leur qui est le boss sur le terrain!” ( _Kick their asses Tommo! Show them who's the boss on the field!_ )

I watched as Louis froze on the field, his head turned towards me and even though he was far away I saw the smile I longed to wake up to and his hands as he gave me a thumbs up.

We were going to be okay.

***

**l.t**

“Bottes leur le cul Tommo. Montres leur qui est le boss sur le terrain!” I heard the one voice that mattered the most yelling. My entire body seemed to freeze and part of me felt like I was in some silly chick flick written by the Nicolas Sprinkles guy. My eyes scanned the stands and I saw a tall man, who was like a bloody string bean cheering for me. He wore a shirt that bore my number on the back, and a smile that lit up my entire world.

He had come.

He was standing there cheering for me.

He was wearing the shirt.

After all the shit, and the pain and the weeks of being a dick there Harry stood, with Rowan, Niall and Julia a smile on his face. He did care. He was there, always had been. He never gave up.I wasn’t sure I would have been able to handle if he had given up on us. I felt my lips curving into a smile as I gave him a thumbs up, I waited for a few seconds for his own thumbs to pop up and I knew it was all going to be okay. Turning my attention back to the game I was in fighting mode - fighting for this game and fighting for me and Harry.

“Oli!” I called out. I wasn’t going to show up but there was a pep to my step. Oli kicked the ball up as I hit it with my head down the field to Ian who was making his way towards the goal. I took the bottom of my jersey and wiped the sweat from my brow as I ran down the field cheering as Ian made his first goal of the season. We all ran and gave him a hug and high fived each other. “Keep it up lads! We have a few minutes till half time!” I called out as the goalie tossed the ball down the field and we ran to get it. The captain from the other team, Jordan got to the ball first and with quick feet and ran past me. “Fuck.” I hissed turning as fast as I could and ran after him.

“What is wrong pudgy? Eat to much before the game?” Jordan mocked as I kicked the ball with the tip of my cleat away from his feet and over to Carl. I feel back as he kept running before realizing that the ball was heading back towards the goal the opposite direction. “You will pay!”

“So is the game of life, best keep up mate,” I laughed running down to help assist Carl and score another goal before the buzzer ran out. “Chris!” I yelled as he passed the ball and I kicked it in with one swift motion. The stadium erupted in cheers as I gave another thumbs up towards Harry. Everything was going to be okay.

Jordan got the ball and the time was running out on the clock before we had our halftime. I ran backwards as I wanted to try and get the ball away from him. But as I did he stopped, causing me to stop confused at what he was doing. With one swift motion I saw the ball heading to my face, I felt the impact on my mouth, my neck snapped backwards and I heard a crack as my entire body jerked backwards causing me to fall down on my back hearing yet another crack. I heard a gasp as the refs blew the whistles. My eyes got all blurry as the lights seemed to blind me as I laid on my back and moaned in pain. I needed to get up and finish this game. I moved my neck a bit as I tried to get the taste of copper out of my mouth and stop the buzzing in my ears. “Hazza…” I mouthed but I wasn’t sure if anyone could hear me. My eyes cleared up as I saw Coach’s face but that’s not who I wanted. “Harold. Harry. Harry!” I called out as I felt a hand that find perfectly with mine give me a squeeze to calm down.

“No need to yell darling, I’m here,” his voice was deep, I had forgotten how deep it was until he was there, his hair pulled back and his dumb dimples showing as he smiled down at me, but even with his smile he had a look of worry in his eyes. I turned my head and spat out the blood and saw my front tooth came out as well. Brilliant… my mum would love that for graduation.

My eyes locked on Harry, my hippie who I loved and I never knew why I ran. I did, but I was stupid. “Sorry,” I uttered to him as I heard him chuckle. He bent down over my head and gave me a kiss as I knew there was medics out on the field.  

“Oh shut up you nutter, can you move your legs?” He asked. Wincing I moved them both and I felt an ache all over my body. God this felt worse than when Stan beat the shit out of me. “Okay here,” he took the sleeve of his flannel and wiped off my mouth. “Smile,” he said as I moved my lips he smiled back as Calvin handed him something. “Maybe the tooth fairy will come.”

“I'm 22 Hazza not 8,” I said as I slowly sat up with the help of the Coach and Harry. “I can play,” I insisted even though I felt like I had been dropped off the skydeck at the Sears Tower and then run over by a truck.  

“No. You are out Lou and you are going to the doctor's,” Coach told me as they helped me up to my feet. I couldn’t be out and I didn’t want to be out.

“Coach.” I said as the ground seemed to move around me and I felt as if I was going to vomit. “Okay. Doctors.” I said to him as I saw  several Rowan waiting for us at the bottom of the stands. With the help of Harry and Calvin I made it over to the side of the field. Before I left and was taken in my personal ambulance driven by Rowan I turned to Calvin, “Beat these fuckers.”

“We will,” he promised me as Harry wrapped my arm around his shoulder and walked from the stadium to the car.

“I’m sorry,” I said as I spat blood on the ground as we walked. My mouth felt as if I was never going to free it from the copper taste. My gum hurt and I knew that I was going to need it to stop bleeding soon. “I mean it Harry I’m-”

“Why don’t we just get to hospital and then we can talk. I’m not mad I just want to make sure that you are okay,” He said looking at me as he kissed the top of my nose. “You played amazing.”

“I’m out of shape.”

“You are perfect to me,” he assured me as he kissed me on my nose. I was but Harry looked at me and none of it matter. I saw Rowan pull up with her car, getting into the passengers seat we took off for the nearest hospital. I left the game and I knew my team would be fine. I also knew that harry and I would be fine.

***

**h.s**

No matter where I went all the hospitals were the same. The same smell, the yellow hue to the lights and the rooms with the bland color of the walls and very sterile. I felt uncomfortable but that didn’t matter we got to the Emergency room and they brought Louis back in right away, I went with him as Rowan stayed out in the lobby to keep track of the game and to inform Niall and Julia of what was happening. Once he got into a room they got the bleeding in his mouth to stop, which I was grateful for. I had been able to give them all his medical information and what medicine he was taking for his knee and tell them about the injury with the knee and others.

After checking his blood pressure and taking his vitals they took his to get a few X-Rays for his neck and spine while I waited in his room. I could hear a few of the nurses talking in the hallway as I fiddled with my mobile. I wasn’t sure if i should contact his sister and mum yet so I held off. It took a good twenty minutes but Louis was slowly walking back into the room, he smiled to me as the cotton was out of his mouth but there was a missing tooth and it made me laugh but I tried not to.

“I look like a hillbilly I know,” he joked taking a seat on the hospital bed as the nurse left and it was just us. I wanted to talk about us, but I didn’t know if this was the right setting, but with the way our relationship was going it seemed the hospital rooms were the right setting to talk about us.

“Do you want me to text your mum and let her know or do you want to wait until after the state game?” I asked Louis avoiding the topic until he brought it up. I wanted him to be the one to bring it up for if he didn’t then he wasn’t ready to be a couple again.

Louis shook his head as some fringe fell in his eyes. I leaned over on the bed and pushed it out of his eyes as he touched the stubble on my face. “you need  shave,” he told me with a smile and a slight lisp due to the missing tooth and pain medication they had given him. “I know you said to wait but I can’ wait Harry I just… I need to tell yo this and I need you to promise to sit there and listen to me until I’m done. I‘ve been trying to find the words and they are all jumbled and wrong but i want to make it right.”

“Okay darling,” I promised as I took his hand. I watched as Louis sat up straight, his mouth opened to speak before he shut it pausing before he began again.

“I thought I was protecting you. That I was helping you by leaving so you didn’t have to put up with me but I was running. I… my entire life when things were too happy I would run for I knew life was going to go bad. I have been running from this man, my father for my entire life. I was afraid that I was going to turn into this man who just up and left one day never realizing that my actions were already causing me to draw closer to him,” Louis explained choosing his words with care, his eyes never leaving mine. “My father walked away and choose a bottle over me, my sister and mum which that bottle was what ended his life.”

I cocked my head at Lou, I had never realized that his father was dead, the way he talked about him he was still alive and around in his life. But he was, more so than actually being alive. "I felt like I was turning into him with the fighting and how I would act out and I thought running would well, stop me but it pushed me further into his corner."

"What changed?" I asked fearing the answer I had been waiting weeks to hear.

"I was empty. I - I realized that the best of me was brought out when I was us. I felt that I had nothing else in life. Nothing mattered and that I was a fucking wanker. You helped me be the best person I could be and I felt that I was helping you be the best and most amazing Harry I know,” he said as his voice wavered but he kept the tears at bay. “I also realized when my jeans didn’t it that I had been stress eating without knowing it and I tried to blame it on end of the year stuff but it was about you. I was stressed that I had fucked it up bad and you would never come back, or that no matter how much I said I was sorry and worked to change you would still see me as an arse and never want to be with me again… maybe even run back to Eli.”

I tried to hold back a laugh but it came out as a snort. “I would never run to Eli… it’s you I’ve wanted since I’ve moved in and it’s you I will stand by like I promised Lou, I’m here for the long hall and no matter what life throws at us I’m not leaving. I’m the anchor and you are the rope and don’t ever fucking forget that.”

Louis lifted my hand and gave it a kiss as he stopped his eyes shot up at me. “What is this?”

I was about to say nothing but lying wasn’t how I wanted to start this new part of us. “Stan showed up, shoved me to the ground so I might have punched him in the face…” I said trailing off as Louis let out a hearty laugh, his eyes squinting as I could see the wrinkles around the outside of his eyes. “It’s not funny, I feel horrible.”

“Love is worth fighting for,” he said and he was right. “Especially the love we have Harry. I was looking at photos and those stupid snapchat videos and I wanted to be that couple. I felt like an outsider and it was then I realized my father had won yet again in my life. His vile words he would yell at me pulled my soul so far from my flesh and bones that I was two people with a disconnect. I hurt from hurting you. I wanted to share my triumphs with you and even my failures but I came home to an empty dorm and an empty heart."

I bit the bottom of my lip as I held Louis hand tighter and prayed no doctor would walk in and stop him from speaking.

"I'm sorry I hurt you. I don't want to go back to what we were for that was bad. I want to move forward and be us. I will be me fully and I want to face the demons and lay down my baggage at your feet."

I leaned over his bed, cupping his face I pressed my forehead against Louis's, I listened as he breathed and I took in his sent. I had missed the faint cigarette smoke, sweat and the coconut shampoo he took that was mine when he moved out.

"I want to start the new part of the story of us. One where we communicate. We talk before running and we listen. I never want you to feel you can't talk to me - ever. I'm here like I said in the text Louis William Tomlinson I'm not going anywhere. You are forever stuck with my baby giraffe arse."

Louis chuckled opening his eyes and looking into my soul. "I love your baby giraffe arse."

"And I love the dimples in your spine," I said kissing. His chapped lips gently. The dragons that had laid dormant were now alive and flying all over my stomach and chest. "I love you."

"I love you more," he whispered back as there was a knock on the door. I sat back in the chair as the curtain opened and the doctor walked in, my hand never leaving Louis’s. I don’t think he was ever going to let me go after this talk.

"Your knee is in fine condition Mr. Tomlinson as is your neck and back. I would say ice tonight rest and I will give you some pain relievers so you can play the game tomorrow. Also get a mouth guard."

"We will," I said speaking for Louis my heart happy that he was okay and there would be no lasting damage to his body after this game. “I will make sure that he does nothing but rest to make sure he gets better,” I looked at Louis who arched a brow at me as if  couldn’t control him but I could.

Louis cleared his throat as the doctor began to write his discharge papers. "I can play tomorrow?"

"Oh yes, you might be a bit sore but you are physically fine to play," he assured Louis. "Now here is a prescription for the pain meds just go to any pharmacy and have it filled and start taking them tonight for a week to help the muscles."

I took the script from the doctor as he told us to be safe and heard on out. The nurse came it and gave us the all clear to go. I helped Louis sit up and he held onto my arm as we slowly walked out of the room and into the lobby. I pushed the button as the doors opened rowan spun around as she had a look on her face that made me worried - I didn’t want Louis to hear they lost when he got the clear to lay tomorrow. He would be devastated.

"Shit. We lost didn't we,” Louis said as she shook her head and Louis and I both looked at each other. A smile came across her face and Louis laughed as he pulled my body into his and gave me a hug and kissed me on my lips.

"Won! Coach refused to win in a disqualification and Jaylen made the last goal!" She explained to us as I held Louis and felt him crying a bit from being so happy. “Lou you and the guys did it,” Rowan said as she joined in our hug and kissed the top of his head.

“And we can celebrate later, we need to get these medications in your body, and get you to rest and eat some food,” I told Louis as he made a face but winced a bit from the pain in his body. Smiling that he just proved my point he poked my face and we headed to rowan’s car.

"Niall is getting your bag and I can run to the store,” Rowan told us as she unlocked her car and Louis slowly sat down in the passenger's seat as I got into the back. We drove to Louis’s hotel room and as I went to get him settled Rowan headed to the store to pick up the things he needed and get his prescription filled. I had to get a new key from the lobby but we finally made it from the lift to his room. Louis was slow to walk but I rather him take it easy than push him. Reaching his bedroom I unlocked the door, holding it open as he walked in.

“Why don’t you shower and then we can get you some food to eat,” I told him as Louis stood there, he placed his hands on the bottom of my flannel and pulled me into him. “Louis….”

“I just want you here. Please don’t go tonight. No sex. I just missed you,” he said burying his head into my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around his body and held him close his head on my chest. I missed his body with mine, I missed waking up with his arms wrapped around my body and his head buried into the back of my neck. I just wanted him tonight. I needed a cuddle if I was going to be honest.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I promised meaning every single word.

Louis took my hand as we walked down and sat down on the foot of the bed. “Now, what happened with Stan?”

Biting my bottom lip I laughed thinking about it. “He was at the game, he just pushed me to far and I snapped. I…. I thought I wasn’t going to get you back and I had nothing else to fight for. It was wrong and I should have -” I was stopped as Louis placed his hands on my face and gave me a kiss.

“So, what happened to no physical altercations there Rocky?” Louis asked me with a snark and I could punch the man if he wasn’t already injured. I shook my head as he stood up and slipped off his blood strained jersey rolling it up in a ball in his hand as I leaned back on the bed.

“Yes, and you also said you wouldn’t be a prick but we both lie,” I said with a raised brow as Louis tossed his bloodstained jersey at me. “Shower and I will get some food for us and then you can take your pain medication and get some sleep. You have horrible bags under your eyes.” I told him as he walked past me into the bathroom. “It will be nice to get a full nights rest for the game tomorrow.”

Louis smiled, he turned and looked at me before he walked into the bathroom, “I love you Harry. I mean it with every fiber of my being.”

Standing up I walked over to him, my hands rested on his waist as I pulled him close to my body, his bare chest pressed against my covered one. My lips pressed against his as his hands ran through my hair and my hands ran up and down his back. “I love you with every fiber of my being Louis William Tomlinson, and that will never stop.” I kissed him one more on his lips before slapping his arse before he shoved my out of his way and shut the bathroom door.

I listened as the showered turned on and I made my way to clean up the clothes he had in his room. The old domestic habits falling into place even after the time we had apart. Laying out his clean (I use that word loosely I don’t believe Louis did laundry since we broke up and probably had a fit when Rowan refused to do it for him) pajamas on the bed as I grabbed the room service menu and began to order us some food, I had not even a proper meal in days and Louis had vomited all the food he had up.

Love wins. I now knew I was never going to doubt that   



	33. triumphant [l.t]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _we loved with a love that was more than love || Edgar Allan Poe_

Rolling over in the bed I felt a cold spot next to me, it wasn’t fully cold but that harry had gotten up about fifteen minutes ago. I opened my eyes and saw Harry's flannels on the chair and his boots were still by the door, there was no shower running so he was either done or had yet to get in. Sitting up I pushed the fringe from my face and pressed my tongue up against my gum where my right front tooth used to be. I needed to get that fixed before graduation and my mother went mental on me... so would Lottie.

I heard the bathroom door open as Harry walked out, his hair was semi white and he had my jersey on, his black pants showing as he smiled at me, he had brushed his teeth and was most likely done his morning routine. “While you were passed out I ordered us some eggs, pancakes, you some bacon and I got some turkey bacon and then some coffee and fruit and some apple juice,” he told me as he crawled back into bed next to me.

I mumbled burying my head into the pillow. My entire body had pain shooting through from my knees to my neck. Coach had come by last night to check in on me and told me the game wasn’t until 5 and that I didn’t need to be to the field till 4. Harry said he would make sure that I would be there. I wasn’t sure what time it was, but it was early enough for H to order breakfast for us.

"So we going to have a lazy morning?" He asked as I felt his damp head rest on my stomach as he laid down under the covers with me. “How are you feeling this morning darling?”

"Like I was thrown off a bridge, run over by a car and then sat on my an elephant," I admitted  opening my eyes and looking down at Harry who smiled his dimples showing off, I pushed his hair out of his face. I missed the lazy mornings, I missed see this man when I woke up and when I went to bed. "But I feel like I'm on top of world about us."

Harry stretched his neck towards me and gave me a small kiss on my lips. "Me to. Anything else you want to talk about? I know that we talked a lot last night, and we bore our souls but I don’t want us to hold anything back."

I pressed my lips together thinking if there was anything else. "Limo or make Rowan drive us to the airport when we fly home?"

Harry poked my side as I giggled. "Seriously Lou," he said as I closed my eyes and thought about it. We had talked all night. We had talked about how I was an idiot. We talked about how I felt, how Harry felt. We talked about what the plans were moving forward in our relationship. We both apologized. We cried, laughed, and kissed. I talked through my fears and explained why I did what I did and Harry understood. I told him I wouldn't push him away again- I promised. I meant it this time.

"Would your mum prefer chocolates or flowers when I meet her?"

The smile I loved spread across Harry's face, his dimples out in full force as he covered his face like an embarrassed child. "Flowers and we can pick up her favorite dessert at a local bakery," he said removing his hands.

"Perfect. So when is the food coming I'm famished?"

Harry chuckled as he buried his head into my chest his wet hair flipping everywhere as there was a knock on the door. He lifted his head to give me a kiss before slowly getting up from the bed calling out, "coming" as he grabbed some cash from his jeans that were lying on the chair.

I listened as the door opened and Harry made polite small talk. Sitting up I smoothed out the covers in the bed and tried to make it look decent as Harry carried the first of two trays of food for us. I shouldn't be eating this, I needed to drop 10 pounds. It was as if Harry knew what I was thinking as he set the second tray down and climbed back into the bed gathering all his hair up and pulling it back into a bun as I grabbed my glasses from the bedside table and slipped them on my face.

"Eat. You can go on a full workout craze once this weekend is done, but know you are amazing and I don't care if you have the Tommo tummy or not. You're still my Lou and that's what matters to me,” he said with a kiss as he removed the lids from the food and we dug in.

I had forgotten what happiness was. I had been so bogged down in thinking that the pain of missing someone was all there was in the world that I lost the feeling of joy I had sitting on a bed with the man I loved eating pancakes and eggs with bacon and horrible coffee and orange juice. I forgot how light my soul felt as Harry would make a stupid joke breakfast joke (today’s was: what do cats eat for breakfast? Mice Krispies).

As he talked gesturing with his hands he grew excited telling me about where he wanted to show me, how he was excited for me to meet his sister and that we would become best mates and he would be left to hang with his mum during the days we are there. He told me Robin would give me crap about liking the Rovers but don’t let him steam roller over me. He then said he was thinking we should see a musical in West End for fun one night London and I agreed. I wanted to see Matilda since I had missed it in Chicago. I watched the way his face lit up as he spoke about his parents and his sister, his eyes seemed to sparkle as he told me how we could camp out one evening.

I listened as he spoke and I knew I was never going to be selfish again. I was done being selfish, it was no longer about me and my feelings but about us and our feelings. I wasn’t going to take this special and authentic love for granted ever again. Nothing would ever compare and I never wanted to find out. Harry was mine and I was his. Forever and ever. My eyes looked over at my duffle as I knew in the bottom of it was a blue box. That contained a ring. I wanted to jump off the bed, throw my clothes all out of the bag and get down on my knee and tell Harry I am in this forever but something didn’t feel right. No. This wasn’t the time. It was coming up but this… this wasn’t it.

“You  okay there?” He asked me as he covered the empty plates and cleared the trays from the bed.

“Just thinking,” I told him as I turned my head back towards him. “I love you,” I assure him again as he leaned over and kissed me on the lips.

“I know silly you made that clear last night,” he said his voice deep and I wanted to slap him as he knew when he did that I got all hot and bothered. A giggle escaped his lips as the dimples appeared on the sides of his face as he stood up from the bed and carried the trays over to the door.

“I’m in this forever. Us. Me and you. This,” I said motioning my hand between the two of us as Harry cocked his head and raised a brow. “I’m not proposing you git. I’m just saying that I’m not running no matter how bad it gets with the outside world. I’m here. You can’t get rid of me.”

I watched as he walked across the room, he kneeled on the bed and crawled towards me as we laid back onto the pillows, the sheets and comforter a tangled mess around us. “I don’t ever want to get rid of you Louis Tomlinson. You are the rope to my anchor and we will ride every storm together. I’m never leaving you so I guess we will have to learn to love each other a little more since neither of us are leaving the other.”

Leaning forward I kissed him on the lips as his rolled over onto his back. “Good. Now I might have to prove to you that I love you a little more than I did last night.” Harry’s hips hitched a bit as I pressed my lips on his neck and let out a laugh as he wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me on my jaw.

***

The energy was all around us as we stood on the field, I looked into the stands and I felt as if I was in a film. The lights were bright and the faces were almost a blur but I saw the one that I needed. Harry stood next to Rowan, Niall and Julia wearing my jersey and a smile as wide as the Chesire cat on his face. My heart was racing where I could feel the pulsing in my ears as the stadium was filled with cheers and chants. Calvin and I walked to the center of the field as the other team did the same.

“Glad you and Harry worked things out,” Calvin said to me as I looked at him puzzled since I had not told anyone that harry and I were together. My hand covered my neck as he laughed and shook his head. “You are happy and I saw Harry leaving your room in almost the same clothes he wore yesterday.”

“Thanks,” I said to him as he extended his hand, grabbing it we shook. “We won’t be around this summer but if you ever need a sitter come the school year you can always ask Harry or myself,” I told him as a peace offering to Calvin for how I had acted towards him.

“I’m sure Ruby would love that,” he said as we reached the middle of the field. We shook hands with the other captain and co captain before we called heads and the ref flipped the coin. It landed on heads so we let the other team kick first and we headed on back to get into our positions.

“ _Don’t vomit Louis. You are fine, you already made a spectacle of yourself yesterday now just play and when you are done and win you can have just one State shag and you know that Harry will put out for that_.” I told myself as the whistle was blown and the final game of my football career began.

I watched as the ball was kicked to the defensive players. They passed the ball up to me and Clavin, Oli and I took off but we were stopped as the ball was kicked out from Oli’s feet and he went face first into the grass. He motioned for us to keep going as we tried but they passed the defensive guys and made a cheap goal shot.

“Better watch your face captain…. don’t want to have both front teeth missing,” said a smart arse player as he laughed and gave his teammate a high-five.

“Fuck off.” I said the mouth guard making me sound as if I couldn’t speak properly. I stuck up my middle finger and then added my pointer so not to be pulled off the field for unsportsmanlike behavior. We were playing like we always did but the refs weren’t calling the fouls and they were scoring over and over on us. Roy was doing all he could to block them but they would slip by him and I could tell that he was getting frustrated.

“Roy, shake it off, you got this mate!” I said patting his back before running back to get into my spot as we attempted to get on the board with points.

“Thanks Tomlinson!” He called out as I waved to him and got back into the game. Coach even tried to rotate a few guys out to give them a breather and put in Jeff and Zack but it was no avail. As the buzzer rang for half time we were 0-8. I didn’t even want to look at Coach’s face as we entered the locker room. I knew we sucked. We all knew we sucked. There was a silence in the room as we all took a seat. We weren’t sure if Coach was going to yell at us, or if he was just going to let us sit there and realize how much we suck.  

“You boys are playing your heart out and the refs keeping being blind as fucking bats to the penalties that the other team is causing on you,” he said as he punched a locker. “I don’t give a rats ass what they say you get out there and you make sure they know we aren’t some pushovers. They shove you - you nudge them back. I will be damned if we lose by a ref’s shit calls!” He yelled as he hit a locker. “Hydrate up and get back out there with a vengeance.”

We watched him head back into the office he was using for the time we were here. A few of the guys stretched out while the rest downed their water and we talked about what we could do that would make us better. I needed a breather. Getting up I headed out of the locker room and stood in the hallway. Placing my hands on my knees I bent over and took a deep breath in as my eyes saw a pair of brown suede boots standing toe to toe with me.

“What seems to be wrong?”

I lifted my head as Harry stood there, his hand held a Gatorade out for me. Standing up I took it from his hands as he kissed me on the nose and I felt a surge of energy through my body. “Shit calls. They are better.”

Harry crossed his arms over his chest and gave me the ‘I’m not going to take that crap as an excuse’ look. He needed to stop spending so much time with Rowan her looks were rubbing off on Harry. “What Hazza?” I asked as I drank the entire Gatorade in one gulp. I took the back of my hand and wiped my mouth so there would be nothing blue left on there.

“That is not the Tommo I know,” he said serious as he raised a brow. “Get back in there, tell the lads you are sorry for being a berk and I knew that you were, and give the pep talk of your life and get back on the field and kick arse!” He told me as he pulled me off the wall and spun me around and pushed me towards the locker room door. “Oh, and before you go and kick arse out there,” he stepped in front of me, cupping my face he kissed me pressing his lips hard against mine. Resting a hand on my chest he pulled back and smiled. “Be the amazing footie player I know that you are.”

I kissed him one more time before I pressed the door open, walking into the locker room, I tapped Calvin’s knee as he moved it and I stepped up on top of the bench. Taking a deep breath in I decided to do what Harry knew I could do.  

"Mates!" I called out as all the lads as they all stopped and looked up at me. "Forget about the scouts. Forget about the coaches Forget about the fans. Get out there and play for yourself. Have fun! Enjoy this for this is our last game together as I sure as hell won't let me wish I played better. Now let's win this for us. No one else but the team!"

"Cheers!" Calvin and Oli yelled as all the players began to cheer and we chanted, building up our spirits for a comeback. We headed out of the locker room and back up to the benches and we took the field. A fire lit under us and ready to win. Fight and kick and scream until we got what we wanted. My heart was racing. I closed my eyes and counted to ten as we headed out to the field.

"You can do this Tommo! I love you! Kick ass!" I heard Harry yell to me. I felt my lips curving up in a smile I got ready for the kick off. My eyes narrowed at the captain.

It was on.

***

My chest was heavy as I stood in the huddle with my team. We were down by one goal. We had walked out onto the field with a mission and that was to win. The pep talk I gave them seemed to work for we caught up and by the looks of the other team and the coach they weren’t sure how we came back. We were the comeback kids - no we were the we got our heads out of our arses and started to play like actual footie players and not idiots - that’s what we were.

“Okay lads, I don’t want to run a play by you, nor do I want to tell you what you already known. I want to tell you that it’s been an honour sharing this field with you for four years. I am proud of what we have done as a team, and even when I’ve been a shit captain you all pulled through and helped. So let’s go out there, kick some fooking ass and win this god damn state game so we can all get pissed and celebrate!”

I put my hand in the middle as everyone joined me. Calvin lead the chat as we cheered and lifted our hands before getting out into our positions as the timeout came to an end. I wiped my forehead off on my sleeve as I grabbed the football, arching my back I tossed the ball onto the field as I ran back out with the rest of my team and we took off down the field. My stomach was in my chest, my heart was racing so fast I’m sure that If I stopped I would black out from a heart attack. My feet hit the ground and I bounced back with every step on the green grass as Oli passed the ball to Calvin and I broke free and ran ahead.

My head was counting down the clock and I knew the time was ticking down and I needed to make this goal to win. I wanted to win. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do this, that for once my life would be that of a fucking story book ending and that I could be happy. So happy and in love and I wanted to let the entire world know.

“Calvin!” I yelled as he faked out the player and passed the ball up to me, stopping it with my inner foot I headed the rest of the way to the goal, making it past the defenders. I took a deep breath in, said a little prayer and kicked. I didn’t line up, I didn’t aim I just kicked. I heard the buzzer go off as everyone in the stadium watched the the ball fly through the hands of the goalie and into the goal.

The entire stadium erupted in cheers.

I felt numb as I watched my teammates jump up and down, hugging and celebrating but my eyes went over all their heads and looked for Harry. I wanted to celebrate with him - only him. I had won this game, a game that I had been waiting to win, a game that had helped me but I needed the main who helped me.

We had won. We had actually won.  

I turned my head as the fans came running down to the field. I took off running towards them - I ran as my eyes found the tall skinny ass man whose hair bounced as he jogged down the steps, his smile was as wide as the one that I had on my own face. I pushed past the students who were congratulating me and finally through the sea of people found Harry.

His arms wrapped around my waist as I wrapped mine around his neck and he hugged me. I didn’t just want a hug - a hug is what I would give Niall…. or Rowan, even Julia. No he was more than a hug. He deserved so much more.

“It’s you,” I said as Harry looked at me puzzled.

“What?” He laughed as I wrapped my arms around his neck and looked up at my tall ass boyfriend.

““It’s you I want standing next to me when all my dream come true,” I said as Harry’s eyes widened and he let out a gasp.

“Did you just quote bloody _One Tree Hill_ at me?” He asked but I stood on my tip toes my hands pressing the cheeks of his face and pulling his face to mine. His soft lips pressed mine as people cheered and celebrated around us. Harry’s hand rested on the small of my back as the world seemed to fade away and it was Harry and I. He pulled me in close and everything was right. I didn’t need some cheesy soundtrack playing, Harry and I to be dressed up, I didn’t need the spotlight on us and everyone to see. I just needed harry, to share this moment with me that meant so much in my life. I wanted to share every moment that was important in my life, his life and our lives together.

“I love you and I know those words are simple and while I could quote more One Tree Hill  to you I’m not. I’m going to use my words to tell you how I feel. I love you Harry and I want everyone to know this - I want you to know this. I have everything I need in life in you and no matter what happens, with jobs, or school, or life I have you. My anchor. My always.”

“You,” Harry said as he pushed my sweaty hair off my face, “Louis the most romantic sod that I know and don’t you ever tell me otherwise. Now kiss me again you fool,” he said and I listened. I never wanted to stop kissing him. Ever.

“Okay you love birds,” Rowan said as I looked up and broke free from Harry’s lips as Rowan pulled me into a hug. “Oh my football star!” she called out as I embraced Niall and Julia. “Now, I know you will want to go out with the team but after you go and leave we are going to celebrate, our hotel, food, beer, and a 24 hour pool.”

I laughed and promised to text before we headed over. I took Harry’s hand and we walked over to the team. Everyone was happy, we all congratulated each other and Coach looked the happiest I had ever seen him. “You have done well boys. Get your things and enjoy the night. Don’t get drunk - and don’t get arrested. Bus leaves tomorrow at noon.” He told us.

“Hey Lou we are headed to a pub thing if you and Harry want to join us,” Oli said as I looked Harry.

“Text me the name and we will meet up in a bit,” I said leading Harry to the locker rooms where I just needed to grab my duffle and I needed a shower and to change clothes. I left the mates to celebrate. I had my own celebration that I was more excited to attend to. Harry waited outside the locker room as I gathered up my belongings. I slung the duffel over my shoulder and headed out.

Harry held out his hand as I accepted it. Our fingers laced together as we left the stadium. I had won the best trophy in the world. Love. As Harry and I walked to the what I assumed was an uber he had ordered for us I looked down at his suede boots and my worn trainers. Our hands swayed a bit as we walked.  

I had believed for the longest time that love was this ambiguous lie. That anyone who said they were in love were just idiots and lived in this world or fairy tales. Love was real and all around us. Love was a smile, a cup of tea, a good morning, or a good evening. A kiss, touch on the small of the back. It was how you lived your life knowing that it wasn’t just you. Love was the simplest concept and yet the hardest one to understand. It’s not something you can be taught, it’s something that happens. Naturally like learning to walk, or ride a bike. I learned to love because of Harry. I learned how to love myself and love others, I’m still learning to love myself and love others but I was learning.

I had lived 22 years of my life thinking that love was a lie. When in reality I had lived 22 years without someone allowing me to express my love the way I knew how and receiving it. I wasn’t a tin man with no heart. I had a heart, no one bothered to look for it until Harry.

I felt that Edgar Allen Poe said it best.

“But we loved with a love that was more than love…..  
...But our love it was stronger by far than the love  
Of those who were older than we—  
 Of many far wiser than we—  
And neither the angels in Heaven above  
  Nor the demons down under the sea  
Can ever dissever my soul from the soul  
of the beautiful Annabel Lee”  
-Annabel Lee

Love was an every day learning experience and I was ready to experience it all with Harry. Until we are old and die I was never going to stop loving him, or believing that love exists and is true. It holds healing powers, gives strength, and showed me that everyone deserves to be loved., even when you feel most unloveable.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Readers, 
> 
> There is one final chapter to be posted and I will get around to it this weekend. It was hard to even post this one for the end in near and it's hard to let something go that you have been working on for so long. Thank you again for the lovely comments, the kudos and the hits. You all are wonderful and you have made this fic more than I ever thought that it could be! 
> 
> XO  
> Vi


	34. fin [h.s & l.t]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. Maybe it's about unbecoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place || Unknown_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **please read the note at the end (:**

**h.s**

"Those go in the kitchen but be careful! We got that in London and would very much like it in one piece," I told the movers as the man in a baseball hat walked past me. "Couch just set down I'll arrange it later." I told the two men who had flushed faces carrying the brand new black couch into the flat.

Everything was happening so fast I wasn't sure what or who I was talking to. The once empty flat was now being filled with boxes that we stored at Rowan's all summer along with some of the furniture we already owned and some new items since we no longer were restricted to the lovely dorm beds. The day had begun on a crazy note with me having to pick up my books at school and do a few last minute things around campus. Louis had a job interview at 11 and the moving men arrive at Rowan’s house at 11 packed up all our belongings and now were unloading the boxes and furniture into the rooms designated on said boxes.

As much as I wished Louis was here with me to help with the move I was glad he had this second interview. Before we had left or Doncaster he had jokingly applied for a job at Sony Records in Chicago, manly to work for their branch via Interscope. I was glad he was just applying to more than just coaching jobs. We hadn’t hear anything which wasn’t to abnormal but when morning when we woke up in Greece he had an email from them about doing a phone interview. Well he did and then they said he when he arrived back in the states they wanted to have another interview.

That wasn’t the only good thing that came from this holiday. It was a trip that Louis needed in order to face the demons that had been holding him back and while he had grown exponentially there was part of him that was stuck back in the ways of the Louis I first met. I had never wanted Louis to change, but I wanted him to grow. As humans we all have our times our growing and he has a few more lessons until he was finally the Louis I knew he wanted to be and could always be. The few months away did us both good and it wasn’t just the fact we both had a nice tan tone to our otherwise white skin but Louis got back into the physical shape he wanted, I got back to the mental state I needed to be in and we both spent our days with each other and some days we spent doing things apart.  

I was glad to have met Jay and Danielle before flying out to Doncaster. It helped ease Louis isn’t knowing that when we got back to his home I only needed to meet his siblings who were just as eager to meet me as I was them. We were welcomed to Doncaster with warm faces and open arms from Louis’ family. They had decorated the house and even showed me to Louis's old bedroom. I fell in love with his new baby sister and brother to the point Lottie told him I was going to ask for a baby for Christmas instead of a puppy (which I'm not -  not yet anyways).

The biggest step Louis took this summer was facing his father finally - more specifically the grave where his father was buried. he had been killed a few years back in a drunk driving accident that was his fault. I held Louis’s hand that day in the cemetery as we stood there for several moment in silence before he began to talk. Yelling at his father, cursing him, and finally telling him that he was done. At the end of the two hour talk his face was blotchy from crying, his eyes swollen and bloodshot, cheeks stained with tears and his nose running with snot but he stood up tall and smiled.

It was the smile I had been waiting to see, the one where his eyes squint, and the skin around his eyes gets all wrinkled, his lips curling up to show off his teeth and his face seemed to change and he was a child. From that moment on all of Louis was free. He no longer had the voice of a man who was no good for his son looming in the back of his head. He walked with confidence and love.

This then translated to when Louis went to meet my mum, step father and Gemma, he was mister personality - which at first I was thrown off by, but once he had let go of everything he had been carrying around he was comfortable as himself. He and Gemma hit it off and a few mornings they left before I woke up and went for a run, or Louis would be having coffee with my mum outside on the patio. He made my house his (mess and all) which filled my soul with joy. We spent late nights watching the stars and then early mornings in an open field watching the sunrise. Part of me felt as if it was another universe and I was just visiting but when Louis kissed my lips I knew this was just a new part of our story.

"Knock knock," came a voice and I was happy to see a friendly face. Rowan stuck her head into the open doorway and smiled. She had spent a majority of her summer in Ireland with Niall and his family. She was tanner than normal, and I knew it was from the week in Spain she spent with her family and Niall’s on holiday. Her long hair was pulled up into a bun on the top of her head as a few strands of hair framed her face. She had moved from her normal dresses and had on a pair of olive ankle skinny trousers with a cream peasant top and jean shirt over it paired with her normal brown sandals. Her arms were weighed down by reusable bags that I hoped deep down inside of me was food for me and Louis. "I have staples for you and Louis....." She looked around as she set the bags on the kitchen counter. "Where is he?"

I took a few bags from her hand and set them on the kitchen counter. “Second job interview with Sony,” I reminded her as I watched the movers bring in the finale boxes with all had ‘Louis shite put anywhere’ scribbled on them in his chicken scratch handwriting. “So it’s been me, which is fine just crazy with movers, and then the beds were delivered and the neighbor under us a sweet girl but lord she never was going to leave,” I told her exasperated as I was pleased to see she had gotten us milk, sugar, coffee and Louis favorite nutella along with some fruit and crisps.

“All done Mr. Styles,” the man in the hat said as he and his two fellow movers stood in my living room. I grabbed my billfold from the counter and handed him a 20 as a tip. Thanking him again they headed out the door and I shut it behind them.

“Now that there is silence I can go into the bedroom and attempt to unpack it all before Louis arrives which I don’t even know when that will be,” I told Rowan as she finished putting away the food.

"Well," she said pushing up her jean shirt sleeves. "Julia is in Jersey for a few more days and Niall is at work so put me to work," she told me beaming with a smile.

I was grateful for Rowan's help and showed her to the master bedroom. Before we moved in we had a painting party and made the place feel more like us. While the paint color was a bit of a row we settled in grey for the bedroom and s white for the rest of the house and a red for the spare room.

As we made our way into the bedroom there was the new bed that sat in the middle of the room along with a dresser and two bedside tables and boxes. Boxes full of shoes, clothes and even more shoes that belonged to Louis. Taking a deep breath we both got to work - I pulled up a pandora station as Florence + The Machine filled the decent sized bedroom. Rowan and I began to move the furniture around to where it looked best. Once we finished arranging the furniture Rowan went to making the bed as getting the bathroom set up while I hung the photos around the room.

Louis didn't care how I set up the room, all he wanted was a bedside table and to make sure that we had a bed with a headboard (he was specific in what he wanted with the spinals and he wanted the metal kind). I had ordered one on the beach in Greece, It was simple and clean lines and looked great with the wall color and white sheets I got for the bed. It was nice we had upgraded from prison sized twin beds to a queen. Though some how Louis ended up spooning me, no matter how large the bed, which I loved. I loved waking up each morning and knowing I can see his scruffy face, kiss his chapped lips and have him moan he needs to piss as he jumps out of bed and runs to pee.

“So are you two going to christen the room tonight?” Rowan asked as she stood up and looked around the room. It was done, all the photos were hung, clothes put away, boxes broken down and ready to be binned and all the clothes and shoes (Louis never has a right to complain I have too many shoes. The man is a hoarder of Vans and Converse). I tried not to smile as Rowan wrapped her arms around me and kissed me on the top of my head. “God both of you are so funny when I talk about your sex life. Well I will go before your boo gets home and my Irish lad has informed me he is hungry and wants to get dinner out,” she laughed as she took her mobile off the dresser and checked it. “Ah my time to go.”

Rowan grabbed her purse as I showed her to the front door. I had a lot more boxes to get through but I was done for the day, or until Louis came home which he had yet to text me which worried me a bit. Thanking Rowan again for the food in the fridge she gave me another hug. “I’m glad you came to America last year Harold you did us all a lot of good and now it’s like I have another brother.”

“You already have like ten brothers,” I joked with her as she playfully punched my arm. “No it’s nice to have a sister around now go before Niall eats the furniture in the flat.”

Rowan’s laugh echoed down the steps as she headed out of the flat. I turned around, shut the door and listened to the silence hoping that it would be interrupted by Louis calling or texting me so I would know what happened with his interview.

***

**l.t**

My mobile died. Of all the times for my mobile to die it was when I have the best and biggest news to tell Harry up to this point of my life and our relationship. My black oxfords moved as fast as my legs would move across the pavement. My heart was racing and I wanted to just start singing - god I had watched too many musicals with Harry on our holiday.

_Fuck it_. I told myself as I broke out into a sprint, my leather messenger bag bouncing off the side of my body. I saw the flat as I rounded the corner, the movers had gone and knowing Harry he would have already unpacked most of the flat which was nice but I wanted to do it together. As corny and pathetic as it sounded this was our first official place together and I wanted to unpack it together. Or unpack for a few moments and then maybe have a nice shag on the couch. With every step as I jogged home my jacket pocket hit me and i felt the box I had kept for months.

I had traveled with me to Doncaster, Cheshire, London, Greece and all the place in between we spent this summer. While I had many opportunities to get down on my knee - seeing as Rowan told me that it was the proper way to do it and she would kill me if I didn’t - it never felt right. I had tried a few times when we were on holiday. One time we were outside laying on the trampoline my mum and Danielle got for my siblings, we were looking up at the stars and talking about the future and how far we had come. I had the ring in my pocket but as I was about to ask him when Fizzy came out and told us mum had fresh brownies and tea. The second attempt was a fail as well; I had planned a romantic dinner on the beach for Harry and I when we were in Greece and it was going to be the time. We had spent the entire day by the pool and I went inside to talk a nap, Harry stayed out he wanted to get a bit more sun. Well a few hours later he was sick and sun poisoning. I cancelled the dinner and rubbed aloe on him all night as he laid in a cool bath.

So the ring stayed with me, for the third attempt. I would be able to pull it out whenever it felt right no matter where that was. My chest felt as if it was on fire as I stopped to catch my breath in front of the flat. I heard a window open and looking up Harry stuck his head out, his hair was pulled back into a bun and I smiled as I saw the new cartilage piercing he got when we went out in Cheshire with his mate Liam. We got pissed at a bar and I told him it would be hot if he got his ear pierced and the next morning it was there, and I had no complaints about it - his mum was a bit shocked and he got sick when he realized there was a needle that went through his ear.

“What the hell?” He asked yelling down to me. “What happened?”

“Mobile died,” I yelled up placing my hands on my hips as I felt my entire body throbbing and my back was drenched with sweat. “I got the job!”

Harry’s face lit up, his hands fluttered to his mouth as he let out a cry of joy. “Get your arse up here so I can kiss you, you amazing man!”

“Yes sir,” I called back opening up the gate and walking over the pavers and up the steps I was met with an open door and a smiling boyfriend. Even on moving day Harry looked nice with his usually black skinny jeans, he was sporting a Doncaster shirt he picked up while visiting my family and my blue trainers he had grown fond of wearing. Harry threw his arms around my neck as mine wrapped around the small of his back. He bent down a bit and kissed me and even after almost a year of dating the dragons were still in my stomach bigger and louder than ever. Harry’s lips always felt soft against mine and I’m sure he knew I had smoked a few after my interview to calm my nerves but I knew he loved the way my lips tasted after a smoke. “Sorry.”

“Charge your mobile,” he laughed kissing me one more time before pulling me into the flat. “I want to show you what I did today and then you can tell me all about the job and change and we can unpack the kitchen,” he said his fingers laced with mine as he dragged me up the steps. His feet moving a lot faster than mine that were throbbing from running in dress shoes I wear about two times a year.

Once my feet reached the second floor Harry walked me into the flat, while the front room was filled with boxes he did put a desk at the bay window that looked over the street the couch was against the wall with his chair he got back when we lived in the dorm. The telly hung above the fireplace where there was boxes stacked in the kitchen. On the fireplace there numerous picture frames of me and Harry. Some from out trips, some from graduation and then other stupid selfies he was so insistent on taking.

“I have a lot of the random boxes that we sent back from our parent’s that we can go through and then my mum sent us some Christmas decoration and other things that my mum thought we might be able to use,” Harry explained as he stood his back towards the door that was closed. “Okay my darling, I spent the day getting this one room ready for us tonight and as a way to say thank you for finding this amazing flat.”

“I have to piss Hazza so hurry,” I laughed as his green eyes narrowed at me, his hand turning the handle as he opened the door slowly for dramatic effect. I felt my mouth drop as I walked in and looked at our room. While my eyes scanned around room as I saw the photos of us on the beach in Greece, the stupid selfie Harry snapped of him kissing my cheek and I was laughing as Big Ben was behind us. Hanging on the wall were photos Harry took on our travels and my favorite picture of us tan and on a boat about to go parasailing. “Hazza….” that was all I could say as I looked around. I stood in the middle of the bedroom as I felt Harry’s arms wrapped around my waist, his chin resting on my shoulder as he kissed me softly on the cheek.

“I thought we should have a proper place to sleep tonight on our first night in our new home together,” he said kissing my neck. “Now you use the toilet, change all the clothes are put away, I will order pizza and bread sticks and the fridge has beer and we can enjoy the first night without cable and crap food while sitting in a kitchen with no table.”

I laughed turning around I kissed Harry on his nose gently. “Okay sounds good. I talked to the cable company and we will have wifi and telly tomorrow. I need to get my xbox hooked up.”

Harry rolled his eyes at me. I shrugged my bag off my shoulder, setting it on the stool that was at the food of the bed. Unbuttoning my jacket I laid it down next to my bag. Harry scooped both up. “We have a lovely invention by the front door where we can hang these,” he informed me as I mocked him shutting the bedroom door after I heard the mad man with a bun cackle as he walked towards the living room.

***

**h.s.**

“I’m going to use your card to order the pizza, mine has expired and I never activated the new one!" I called to him as I hung up his bag and jacket on the coat rack by the door. I reached my hand into the pocket of his jacket feeling for his wallet. Reaching down further my hand hit something that was hard. Not his wallet. I looked up to make sure he wasn't coming out of the bedroom, my hand grabbed the mysterious box and I pulled it out a little.

It was blue. More specifically it was Tiffany blue.

I heard the bedroom door open as I dropped the box back into the jacket pocket and opened his messenger bag. Digging through trying to find his billfold and remind myself to breathe and not over think. It might not even be for me. It could be a ring Niall got Rowan, or Rowan got for Niall, or a ring for me from Tiffany’s and it was a ring. For. Me. Shit.

"Can you charge my mobile?" Louis asked with yawn walking out in cut off joggers he made into shorts and my packers hoodie. "Have you ordered yet?" he asked me walking into the kitchen and opening up the fridge and looking to see what food Rowan had gotten for us.

I shook my head grabbing his mobile and wallet. _Okay act normal. Just- you are fine Harry. Just fucking breathe_. I told myself as I felt my heart in my throat. I plugged in his mobile as I ordered the pizza via my mobile as Louis got to work unpacking the kitchen. "Hour," I said setting my mobile on the counter, I pulled up my pandora and selected the Ed Sheeran playlist. "So interview?"

Louis stood up and set the plate in the cabinet. "Well it wasn't the exact position I was looking for- but it's a start to learn the industry since well I was a jock and can speak French," he laughed. "I'll basically be the assistant to the man who works with smaller bands via Interscope part of Sony."

"You know if you meet Lana Del Rey"- I told him as Louis shook his head as he wasn’t going to let me finish my sentence.

"I'll say my boyfriend likes your music but I'm sure he only listens to it when he is high," he sarcastically said trying not to laugh. I gasped as Louis hissed between his teeth as I threw a rolled up ball of newspaper at him. "I will get her autograph and fanboy for you."

I smiled,"good boy," patting Louis on the head. "So what else?"

"It's salary pay so we can afford this place and food - and don't go on about money we are in this together and now it's my time to support us as you finish up school," Louis explained as he broke down a box and tossed it in the living room. "Also we need a few more kitchen items, my mum said she will get us a toaster and other things we need but it was easier for us to pick them out."

"We can go to Bed Bath and Beyond tomorrow, since it's my last day of freedom until classes begin," I said saddened that I was going back. "It's going to be weird without you, Rowan and Julia."

Louis paused and smiled, "you got Nialler and I'm always here."

"Lou as much as you say you aren't a romantic, you are," I told him unwrapping a mug and setting it on the open shelf we hung for our coffee/tea bar. "When do you start work?"

"Next Monday, they told me to get settled into the flat and they have to wait for the drug test and background check to clear. I need new clothes."

My eyes lit up as Louis huffed. He hated shopping. No - he hated shopping for adult work clothes. He loved shoe shopping. "We will get that done tomorrow as well, we can look online first."

A look of relief washed over his face as he set the one pot in the cabinet next to the oven. We had made it about halfway through when the buzzer rang. I grabbed the cash from my billfold and headed down to get the dinner. "Cheers," I said handing the young teenager the tip as I took the large pizza and garlic bread from him. He smiled and headed back to his car as I made my way up the steps to the flat. "Okay we don't have a table but we have-" I stopped as Louis was setting a blanket in the kitchen floor. He had paper plates and napkins along with a few beers opened.

"Picnic?"

God I love this man.

Louis stood up and took the box where the bread was off the pizza box and set it down in the floor. I toed off his trainers and took a seat next to him. My back leaning against the wall as he played the food and handed me my pizza and a beer. "A toast," he exclaimed holding his beer up. I raised mine as he began to speak again. "To a year of memories, or success, and of love. We are moving forward and not looking at the past and letting that dictate who we think we deserve to be. I love you Harry Styles and thanks for being my better half."

He tapped his beer bottle with mine as we each took a drink. "I love you Lou," I said leaning over and kissing him. "But I also love pizza and I'm famished."

As we ate Louis told me more about what he was doing which he was excited. He never thought of himself working in music- it was just a job he thought he would apply to for fun. He had applied for a few coaching jobs at private schools around the area but they didn't seem to show much interest. I watched him talk and the excitement was just oozing out of him. He was happy, and as weird as it was I was tickled pink Louis was finally Louis. He walked a bit taller, spoke with more confidence (and a hell of a lot more sass), he was affectionate in public with hand holding and kissing me here and there.

Two Chicago style slices in and all the beer gone, my stomach was about to burst. The six pack of Strongbow was gone and Louis and I sat on the blanket his legs crossed over mine as he played with a stray strand of hair that fell from my bun. "Sorry I wasn't here to help move in," he admitted as I tapped his knee. "I mean it. This is our home and I wanted us to move in."

"Life happens babe," I assured him leaning my head against the wall. My body was screaming at me to sleep, it had been for a while but with the carbs and cheese and alcohol it was on full blast now.

"I want to make it up to you," Louis said as he leaned over and kissed me on the neck. I kept my eyes closed as I felt his body move, he was sitting in my lap, his legs bent so his bare feet were planted on the blanket. His lips sloppily traced down my neck as I felt my trousers getting tighter. As his lips were pressed to my neck he gave a giggle. "Someone is excited."

Opening my eyes I saw the wicked look his his blue eyes, the one where he fakes being innocent but once he smiles you can see the true nature of Louis. Playful and horny at the moment. While Louis thought he had the upper hand I flashed him a smile, for a moment he paused as I knew he was falling prey to my dimples. I took this moment and used my hands and slid them up his thighs as I watched his body squirm. “Trousers getting a bit snug?” I asked him as he smashed his lips against mine. My back arched as a slight moan escaped from my lips as he kissed me down my neck and his hands ran over my chest under my shirt. “Bedrwoom.” I slurred as I moved my hand, knocking over the beer bottles as Louis stood up and I followed. My hands never straying far from his hips and our lips only parting as we tried to maneuver our bodies through the kitchen and to the bedroom.

My shoulder hit a wall as Louis cursed his foot hitting the corner of the door as I walked backwards into the bedroom. My hands grabbed the bottom of my hoodie on Louis - pulling it over his head I messed up his hair but it would be ruined by the time I was done with him. Louis’ hands quickly unbuttoned my trousers as he pushed me on the back onto our bed, it shaking a bit, lord I hope that we didn’t break the bed the first night we shag. Kissing my stomach he slowly pulled the trousers off of me tossing them on the clean floor as his lips moved up my stomach and he kissed my neck.

“Naked. Now,” I stuttered as Louis pulled down his adidas joggers and smirked. “Drawer,” I said moving up on the bed as my hand motioned towards the bedside table. I tried to breath as I listened to Louis open the drawer grabbing the lube and a few condoms I sat up, wrapping my arms around his neck I kissed him as I pulled his body against my naked one. “I want you inside of me Louis,” I whispered into his ear.

Louis and I moved up on the bed as he kissed my neck, setting the lube and handful of condoms down next to me, he pushed my shirt up, sitting up he pulled it off my head and tossed it on the ground. Laying my head back down on the pillow I watched as Louis opened the bottle of lube, opening me up I bit the bottom of my lip, not wanting to give him the pleasure just yet. I wasn’t sure that I was going to last to long, not with the alcohol in my body and Louis having a more determined look than that of Lewis and Clark when exploring the West. I felt his fingers slide out of me and in a few moments he slid into me. He felt so right as he began to ride me my hands grabbed the bars on the headboard.

“Glad I wanted this headboard,” Louis smirked kissing my collar bone.

“Shut the fuck up and make me come,” I hissed at him through my teeth letting out a cry and arching my back as everything went black for a few moments.

***

**l.t.**

My mind was running as my body was screaming for me to sleep. Harry and I had three go rounds before we both took showers (first one was together and failed as we both needed to shower again. Separate this time). Harry had quickly fallen asleep, his wet hair laying on his pillow as I watched his lips pushed together and his eyes seemed to flutter a bit behind his closed eyelids. He looked like the cross of a puppy and small child sleeping, the moonlight shone on his face as I watched him a bit. It was early in the morning and I wanted to pause this time and soak it all in. It was peaceful, and our room had been marked as ours and thank god the bed was still standing - sadly there were marks on the wall from the headboard hitting the wall multiple times. Each time Harry took a breath in, my mind thought about the ring that was sitting in the top drawer of the bedside table. I had moved the ring from my jacket pocket so Harry wouldn’t accidently find it. I had lasted six months and I wasn’t going to fuck it all up now.

_So we get engaged, and then when Harry graduates we can get married that summer. Have two years to plan and save with my job. We can go to London and have the ceremony there with our families and Rowan and her family would fly out with Julia and Nialler. We could go back to Greece on our honeymoon or maybe France. Spend a few weeks renting a flat and getting lost in the cities, drinking late and waking up to a lovely morning shag. But the names. What would be best. I thought to myself tapping my thumbs on my bare chest as my eyes locked on the ceiling. Harry Tomlinson-Styles and Louis Tomlinson-Styles. No….. Louis and Harry Styles-Tomlinson. That sounds better. But if he doesn’t want to have both last names maybe he would want to take Tomlinson. Harry Tomlinson. That sounds good. Louis Styles. Eh…. not to bad._

“Hazza are you asleep?” I whispered in the dark as the moon was the only light that was shining in our room. I turned my head and watched as his body laid there, his back towards me, his hair was wet from his shower and by the job he did on me I knew why he was so tired. “Hazza,” I whispered again. “Are you asleep?”

“Yes,” came his groggy voice. He obviously wasn’t asleep and I hated when he did this but I loved him anyway.

“What sounds better, Tomlinson-Styles or Styles-Tomlinson?” I asked him moving my head back as my eyes focused back in on the ceiling. I needed to know what he thought. I didn’t want to assume he would want my name, maybe he loved his last name so much that he wanted to keep it forever. But if we have kids maybe we would want them to have both. They were both towards the end of the alphabet so it didn’t matter in that aspect. I felt the bed move as I listened to the lap click on and the light illuminated the room as Harry sat up, his eyes were groggy half of his hair was plastered on his head while the back stuck up with bed head.

“What?” He asked me confused squinting his eyes as he tried to comprehend such a simple question. I wasn’t sure why he was making it such a big deal about it. Sitting up I turned and looked Harry who rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

“What last name sounds better?” I asked him again pushing my glasses up on the bridge of my nose. “Or would we just go with a single name? Like Harry Tomlinson sounds better than Louis Styles. I am more apt to lean towards the double name for us.”

“Are you on drugs?” Harry asked seriously looking at me behind my glasses.

“What?”

Harry removed my glasses, his face centimeters away from my face as he looked at me in my eyes and I looked back giving him a slight eye roll. I took my glasses back and slid them on my face as he shook his head and pushed his hair away from his face. “What are you talking about Louis?”

I huffed, turning to my bedside table I opened the top drawer and pulled out the blue box. Harry’s eyes lit up but he wasn’t that shocked. “You saw it!? When? Did Rowan tell you!”

Harry shook his head smiling which didn’t help with the anger I was feeling. “I saw it in your pocket and I didn’t…. is it what I think it is?” Harry asked me as I nodded. Opening up the box the silver ring sat there. This was the reaction I wanted as his hands fluttered to his mouth as he gasped a bit and his eyes filled with tears. He bit the bottom of his lip as his eyes looked up and locked with mine. “Louis…. when did you get it?”

“New York,” I told him setting the box on the bed. I took both of his hands and held them in mine. “I’m not a romantic by the means of society tells us to be. When I was in New York there was a moment when we stood in Central Park where you were taking photos and something just clicked and I saw myself with you forever. So the following day I went out and got the ring and have been carrying it around with me in my pocket since that day,” I took a deep breath in pushing the emotions bubbling up in my chest and causing it hard to speak. “I know that I have been a monster at times and we have had more bad days than good but we have overcame those. I faced the demons I never thought I would be able to face and you stood there with me waiting for me to speak when I was ready. I had wanted to ask you a few times when we were on holiday but it was never right… I don’t know if this is right us in our pants in bed at 4…” I said looking at the clock on the wall. “4:17 in the morning but today is a day that seemed the right day to ask you.”

“August 21st?” He asked me inquisitively.

“I walked into a dorm room that I thought was a single only to find a tall string bean of a man standing there with long hair like that of a wild ape man in the jungle bright ass boots and shirts that I never saw a man wear in my life. It was the day you walked into my life turning it upside down, seeing me as a human and loving me the way I never realized I could be loved and helping me understand that I can love the same way back.”

Harry sat there, his eyes filled with tears as his chin quivered and he tried to keep back his tears that were about to fall at any moment.

“And now that I have given you this lovely monologue will you tell me what name you like best?” I asked Harry pressing him again for an answer. Harry laughed, the tears began to fall from his eyes as he choked back an ugly cry before wrapping his arms around my neck and pressing his plump lips against mine. My hands wrapped around his body, my hands resting on the small of his back as my fingers twirled his long hair which I loved so much on him.

“You Louis William Tomlinson are the most romantic sob I have ever met in my life. I love you and I will love you for the rest of my life until we are old and still causing a ruckus together. “I don’t care where you asked me, I care that you asked me and that you love me and I see that in your eyes and your heart,” his hands pushed the fringe from my forehead. “And just think we didn’t need to end up in hospital for this to happen.

“Ha. Ha. Ha,” I laughed at him sarcastically as he poked my side making me flinch a bit.

“Well,” Harry said as he held out his hand. “Am I going to have to put the bloody thing on or will you bow to society and put it on my hand for me?” He asked and while I wanted to push him down and kiss him I picked up the box, pulling the ring out I slid the silver band onto his left hand on the finger that was always naked from the numerous rings he wore. “Was that so hard?” he laughed as I pushed him down on the bed, my hands on the side of his head as I kissed him on the lips.

“I love you.”

Harry wrapped his arms around me neck as he pulled my body onto his and rolled me so we were lying next to each other, our feet hanging off the side of the bed his left hand pushed my fringe out of my face as I smiled at the ring that was on his hand. “And I love you two Louis Tomlinson.” He kissed me again as the dragons flew around in my stomach and chest.

Harry curled into my arms, resting his head on my chest we laid in the middle of our bed, the cotton sheets wrapped around us and the duvet almost fully on the ground, I wrapped my arms around and held him. Both of our bodies relaxing and our breathing syncing up. I could feel my heart racing as I looked down and saw Harry’s hand.

He had said yes.

He wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He wanted to put up with my crazy. He wanted to be with me. No one else. He wasn’t going to leave. He loved me and I loved him. It was the simplest concept in the world and it made me the happiest man in Chicago. My eyes began to grow heavy as I just let them close I heard heard Harry speak, his voice was deep and groggy.

 

“How about Styles-Tomlinson. I want to have your last name for the rest of my life.”

  
I wanted that to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. Okay well I first off by saying five months ago when I came up with idea I never in my wildest dreams thought I would have gotten the feedback, met the amazing people I have, or have enjoyed writing this fic as much as I have. This was my first Larry fic and I was a bit worried but you all who read, commented and all the above thank you. I honestly love to write, and have since I was in the 4th grade and being able to share something that I hold very dear to me to all of you has been amazing. I love you all and I've said it over and over but thank you. I never went into this fic wanting to reach a certain number of hits - I just wanted to write a fun story and I did that. 
> 
> I have a few people I want to thank (Just picture me standing up on the stage accepting like an Oscar of a Tony award as I give these thanks & thankfully since I'm typing this there is no music to cut me off). 
> 
> 1) I need to get down on my hands and knees and thank my Beta. They have been (and still are) amazing. Rea I have been so happy to be working with you on this, you are honestly amazing and if I could I would fly to where you are give you a hug and get a beer with you and talk all things 1D, Larry and Life!!!! You have been so gracious with me and my chapters that were sometimes crap and turned them into beautiful pieces of art! Love ya!  
> 2) I need to thank my amazing French translator Morgane, she has been amazing to get to know over these past few months and has been amazing with my 0 knowledge of the French Language (unless it was spoken in Beauty and the Beast). Thanks for being truly amazing and I'm glad to call you a friend  
> 3) My best friend Jacq. She has answered the dumbest of dumb questions for me, she has given me advice how to go with this story and she has been an amazing support. Love her and her crazy Texas ass. 
> 
> This last chapter was hard for me to post since it's well. The End. I have more story ideas brewing in my brain and I'm going to be focused on my Angel one but thank you all. I'm still going to be updating it with the pretty chapters when they are done being beta'd. 
> 
> Thank you all. I am writing this as I have my eyes full of tears. I love you all so much. So. So. So. So. So much. 
> 
> XO  
> Vi


End file.
